Wife is stay at home mom. But...

[QuestionLove73]

I've posted a few times here before, and my marriage has survived 6.5 years thus far. However I still feel there are a lot of inequalities in my marriage.

 

For instance yesterday I was casually surfing the internet yesterday and came across a bento box since I am trying to lose weight and eating healthier. I had brought up the fact that in the 11 years we have been together she has made my lunch once or twice. This is in contrast to the dozens and dozens of lunches I had made for her early on in the relationship. Now that she has been a stay at home mom on-and-off for nearly 2.5 years she still has not done that.

 

This brought up some more repressed issues I have had. Things like she hardly ever cooks (I can count 20-30 times in 11 years), most times the house is not clean, the dishes not done, laundry is not done. Now I am far from chauvinistic, and if I was a stay at home dad I would be expected to do the same, and yes the two kids we have (4 year old and a almost 3 year old) are a handful to manage. But I am expected to get up at 4:30 every weekday, work, get home at 4-4:30, and then many times either cook or go get take out food, and split the housework at least 50/50 (although sometimes it feels that it's more like 60/40 or 70/30).

 

I am just not even sure what I can do at this point. This discussion yesterday prompted a f you on my Facebook wall, and she brought up a couple times I was acting chauvinistic. The reason we probably have lasted this long is we try not to argue about these things, but it really bothers me a bit that it seems I am expected to do more.

 

Now from her perspective managing the kids is such a challenge that it's impossible to do anything, and like I said the kids are a handful, but there are numerous times where I am letting her sleep in on the weekends (till like 10-11am or even longer) and I am able to get the dishes done, start a tub of laundry, and cook breakfast.

 

*SIGH*

[Els]

The easiest solution is to hire a housekeeper to just do the cleaning, laundry etc until the kids grow older. If the marriage is good in all other ways, I think the cost will be more than worth it. It's difficult for an outsider to know if she's lazy or if the kids are truly the Duo From Hell.

 

My perspective is that the full housekeeping tasks AND taking care of two very troublesome kids must be extremely tiring. I currently do most of the housework for me and the bf because I am on holiday, and it feels like a half-day job. Grocery shopping, pay bills, tidy stuff, vacuum, mop, plan meals, cook, do dishes, laundry, iron... I can't imagine having two kids on top of that with no help. I'd probably go berserk.

Edited January 16, 2011 by Elswyth

[QuestionLove73]

Oh the kids are a challenge, but I would say they are not unmanageable. A lot of times they just require direct supervision so they don't go off the deep end, but my wife would rather do things like be on Facebook to play games or chat with her old friends.

 

Some other prefaces, this is not easy for both of us since our families are hundreds of miles away so this is a "do it on our own" raising of our kids.

 

I wish I had the money to hire a housekeeper, as it is I had to pull them from daycare (we had them in for 2 days a week for each) since it is so damn expensive here in the DC area ($1500/mo for that 2 days a week for both, $2000/mo for a full week for both). Plus my wife is very uncomfortable with strangers so even if we could afford it she would probably not like the idea of a housekeeper.

 

No the marriage has other issues (we are still relatively sexless, some other issues that my past post describe) but we have kinda pushed that aside since in general we do get along generally well. Just don't bring up the issues.

[Els]

Huh. I did not know housekeepers were so damn expensive there. Seriously, $1500/mo for 2 days a week? Damn, now if I could get myself a job as one there, I could be all set with only working 2 days a week!

 

I think you guys probably need to negotiate a duty schedule (for both of you) and stick to it.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Oh the kids are a challenge, but I would say they are not unmanageable. A lot of times they just require direct supervision so they don't go off the deep end, but my wife would rather do things like be on Facebook to play games or chat with her old friends.

 

Some other prefaces, this is not easy for both of us since our families are hundreds of miles away so this is a "do it on our own" raising of our kids.

 

I wish I had the money to hire a housekeeper, as it is I had to pull them from daycare (we had them in for 2 days a week for each) since it is so damn expensive here in the DC area ($1500/mo for that 2 days a week for both, $2000/mo for a full week for both). Plus my wife is very uncomfortable with strangers so even if we could afford it she would probably not like the idea of a housekeeper.

 

No the marriage has other issues (we are still relatively sexless, some other issues that my past post describe) but we have kinda pushed that aside since in general we do get along generally well. Just don't bring up the issues.

 

 

Well I would definately disconnect the internet and use that money for a housekeeper...or cleaning lady. A cleaning lady (independant that is) will usually go for $100 to $200 a day. I wouldn't hire a company..as they are much more expensive than having a lady over once a week. Check online..like kijiji or craigslist..there are plenty of very affordable women on there looking for this type of scenario..cash only being the incentive.

 

I think your wife not wanting anyone there is because she's probably embarrased. Therefore..plan an outing day with you and the family...and have the lady come over that day. It will be easier for the lady as well.

 

Once your wife comes home she may just get that motivation back! But I would stick with disconnecting the internet and as much as she will hate it..well thats just too bad! I can't imagine you having to come home after 12 hours of work to a dirty home with no dinner made. That is not very normal. Both me and my spouse work..and we have a deal with whomever gets home first..they will start dinner...but thats not even the case with you because well..shes at home all day.

[TigerCub]

Oh the kids are a challenge, but I would say they are not unmanageable. A lot of times they just require direct supervision so they don't go off the deep end, but my wife would rather do things like be on Facebook to play games or chat with her old friends.

 

Some other prefaces, this is not easy for both of us since our families are hundreds of miles away so this is a "do it on our own" raising of our kids.

 

I wish I had the money to hire a housekeeper, as it is I had to pull them from daycare (we had them in for 2 days a week for each) since it is so damn expensive here in the DC area ($1500/mo for that 2 days a week for both, $2000/mo for a full week for both). Plus my wife is very uncomfortable with strangers so even if we could afford it she would probably not like the idea of a housekeeper.

 

If she's a stay at home mom why did you need to put them in daycare in the first place?

 

No the marriage has other issues (we are still relatively sexless, some other issues that my past post describe) but we have kinda pushed that aside since in general we do get along generally well. Just don't bring up the issues.

I'm no expert, but just avoiding talking about certain problems doesn't make them go away. You're just in denial about issues that really hit home with you. Being in a sexless marraige, feeling that she's not pulling her weight with the home stuff, and i don't know what other issues you got - but I just think that things will just get worse if the issues themselves are being ignored and all this anger and resentment builds.

[Kamille]

How involved are you with the children when you get home? Maybe the solution could simply be that instead of you cooking dinner and her supervising the children (as she's been doing all day), you trade up tasks.

 

Or maybe your wife just doesn't like to cook. As such, she could brainstorm easy recipes (easier and less time consuming than a bento box) that she could cook - while you supervise the children.

 

 

 

This discussion yesterday prompted a f you on my Facebook wall, and she brought up a couple times I was acting chauvinistic.

 

How on Earth did this very private topic make it onto your facebook wall???

[Moanin]

How on Earth did this very private topic make it onto your facebook wall???

 

Agreed......it seems so immature.

[flowergirl77]

Perhaps your W is depressed? I would look up some info on that. Letting things go like that, and having a hard time keeping up and coping are signs of depression..do some research.

 

I have been a SAHM for over 6 years, and definitely struggle to keep up with the duties. Sometimes I just feel like letting it all go because it is never ending, repetitive tasks day in day out, and sometimes it feels like my whole life is housework...plus trying to manage little kids needs etc..it can be really challenging.

I can say that staying at home all day everyday with little children, is much more difficult a job than any paid job I have ever had! Going to work or school is my break! Maybe she is just really unhappy in her role, I know I was, but had a hard time admitting it to myself. I stayed home with them because I didn't want a daycare raising my children for me..and I had the luxury of a H who makes enough $$ to allow for that... but not everyone is fulfilled in the SAHM thing.

Maybe you can sit down and make a schedule or chart-dividing the tasks..and communicate how you are feeling. Good luck.

[Els]

How involved are you with the children when you get home? Maybe the solution could simply be that instead of you cooking dinner and her supervising the children (as she's been doing all day), you trade up tasks.

 

Or maybe your wife just doesn't like to cook. As such, she could brainstorm easy recipes (easier and less time consuming than a bento box) that she could cook - while you supervise the children.

 

How on Earth did this very private topic make it onto your facebook wall???

 

Great advice. I hope OP wasn't thinking about the true Japanese bento box... those things are incredibly time-consuming and difficult to make!

 

I also second the bolded, which I somehow missed in my first reading.

[fltc]

Why not discuss with your wife her getting a job and using the money towards hiring a housekeeper? Maybe her problem is that housework isn't challenging and outside employment might be something she'd enjoy?

[Els]

Why not discuss with your wife her getting a job and using the money towards hiring a housekeeper? Maybe her problem is that housework isn't challenging and outside employment might be something she'd enjoy?

 

This is also a good idea.

[Star Gazer]

Huh. I did not know housekeepers were so damn expensive there. Seriously, $1500/mo for 2 days a week? Damn, now if I could get myself a job as one there, I could be all set with only working 2 days a week!

 

He was quoting daycare costs. $1500 is still on the high side, but it's definitely possible.

[Nightsky]

You’ve been with her for going on 7 years and this is the way she is. If you want her to change you can try talking to her, but it may not happen right away or at all.

 

My mother was a stay at home mom. My parents took turns cooking, and it was actually my father who enjoyed cooking more. When I was old enough I got a small allowance to clean up my clutter not that I always did the greatest job. We always had a cleaning lady who came once a week.

 

Since it seems to be your goal to eat healthier and lose weight that stirred up your anger I suggest you pack your lunch. A lunch box of healthy food to snack on and eat while at work isn’t that hard to pack. Just mix it up with different fruits and nuts, some carrot sticks or something, then maybe a sweet potato and grilled chicken.

 

Pick your battles.