Old friend's daughter has cancer

[afriend44]

This is going to be a long story, because I don't think I can get meaningful answers without presenting all the facts.

 

My ex wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1994. She had masectomy and the doctor said it had spread to her lymph nodes and that she probably had a year to live. I kept lying to her and telling her that things were going to get better and managed to keep in pretty good spirits for 4 years, but it finally go to her. I believe that fact that she had a good mental attitude, partially because of my support, was the reason she lasted 4 years instead of 1.

 

She died in mid 1998, and a few months later I placed an ad in singles website looking for friends. I was naive and thought I could find just a friend, turns out most of the women were looking for more than that.

 

J was the first woman I met. We went out to eat, and I knew there could never be a love connection with her, but she did seem like someone who I'd like to have as a friend. I told her that, she was angry at first, but then we became friends.

 

For the next 3 years we were mainly email friends, although when neither of us was dating anyone special we would go out and do things together. One time we decided we would try to make it more than that, so we attempted to have sex. I couldn't get an erection, so she said "I think we need to just remain friends". I agreed, and we continued to be friends after that.

 

I met my wife (I'll call her S) a few months after meeting J, and we were together off and on for 3 years. We broke up 3 or 4 times during this period, and on one of these occasions I discussed what to do with J. We had issues and I was reluctant to get back together and very reluctant to get married.

 

J said that it was obvious that I was in love with S and that we should get back together. We did and we were married in December 2001.

 

In 2003 I had just started a mortgage business and W was working with me and we were sharing an office. J called and asked if I was still married. I thought that was a funny question. She said she was calling everyone in her rolodex. This was like her, apparently she was between boyfriends and needed an activity partner.

 

I told her that I was, and that I had just started a mortgage business. She said she was planning to buy a house and asked if I could get her a mortgage. W was right there in the office listening to the conversation all the time. W left before I hung up and when she got back she asked who I was talking to. I told her J. I had told W about every woman that I had dated before we were married, so she knew the story about J.

 

She said "I don't want you talking to her, and I definitely don't want you doing a mortgage for her". I thought this was ridiculous. J was never even a girlfriend and we had never spent the night together, and I had told W how I felt about her.

 

I held my ground and said "I already ordered a credit report -- what do you want me to do, call her back and tell her that my wife won't let me talk to her or do a mortgage". She said "do whatever you want to do" and left.

 

She slept in the other bedroom for two days, but I held my ground. We were new in the business and needed the money and I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

 

W said that I didn't understand women - that J wanted me. I explained that we were just friends, but W said J didn't feel that way.

 

A couple of years later J contacted me and wanted to refinance. I referred her to someone else, because I didn't want to get in trouble with W again.

 

Last week I received an email from her. Her 35 year old daughter has a rare form of cancer and isn't expected to survive. In addition to telling me about the cancer she adked if I would like to volunteer to be part of her support group and listen to her when she has major melt-downs and need to cry and vent.

 

I feel that this is the right thing to do, since I have considered her a friend all these years. However, I know my wife would be very upset. She would tell me to go ahead and do it, but her actions would speak louder than her words.

 

Here are the options that I am considering:

 

1. Tell her that I can't because my wife wouldn't approve.

2. Ignore her and never write back.

3. Do it, tell my wife and suffer the consequences.

4. Tell her I can only do it through email.

 

If I select Option #4, and don't tell my W, I'll feel like I'm cheating. My definition of cheating is if there's deception involved, it's cheating.

 

I guess Option #1 is the only option, but I wanted someone else's opinion.

[TaraMaiden]

No, in your shoes, I would go for #3.

 

If your wife has issues she cannot get over, that is her problem, and no reason to make them yours.

There is a deal of insecurity there, but there is also a question of Trust.

She may not trust you, she may not trust J. But at least, if you tell her, you are demonstrating your trustworthiness.

 

It's a question of compassion and Loving Kindness.

It's a question of being human and humane.

 

I'm afraid that much as you must love your wife, you knew J first, and J is a good, long-term friend, who in my opinion deserves better and kinder treatment than this.

 

 

That's just my view.

[blinky101]

Another option - ask your wife to be involved in providing support. Most support groups are comprised of peeps that don't know each other at the outset. Possibly involving her or giving her the option of being involved will take the perceived "threat" away.

[afriend44]

Another option - ask your wife to be involved in providing support. Most support groups are comprised of peeps that don't know each other at the outset. Possibly involving her or giving her the option of being involved will take the perceived "threat" away.

 

This could be a good option, however one thing I failed to mention. In the email from J before she told me about the daughter she said:

 

THe rest of this is confidential NOT to be shared with anyone! Please delete after you read.

 

This seems extremely strange and I don't understand why she would ask such a thing or why it would need to be confidential.

[xxoo]

This could be a good option, however one thing I failed to mention. In the email from J before she told me about the daughter she said:

 

 

 

This seems extremely strange and I don't understand why she would ask such a thing or why it would need to be confidential.

 

I agree that is strange. It is unfair of J to ask you to keep a confidence excluding your wife.

 

You need to clearly tell J that you are not available to her as a confidante if it excludes your spouse. You should have made that clear the first time it came up.

 

As for talking to your wife--listen to her concerns (she is insecure about your relationship with J). Communicate your concerns (J is a good friend, and you really want to support her during this difficult time). Ask her to help you brainstorm solutions that support J AND respect your wife's concerns. Supporting J together is one possible solution.

[Art_Critic]

I think number 1 is your best option of the ones you provided.. however if you friend was the one who had the cancer then my opinion would change but since it is her daughter I would instead suggest that she contact the hospital and get in one of the support groups for families that have cancer in them.

 

Option 1 but give her a compassionate option of a real support group of people actively going thru it.

 

Don't lie to your wife and don't continue to create wedges in your marriage with this lady.

[TaraMaiden]

This could be a good option, however one thing I failed to mention. In the email from J before she told me about the daughter she said:

 

 

 

This seems extremely strange and I don't understand why she would ask such a thing or why it would need to be confidential.

 

Damn, I hate "oops I forgot to mentions" in threads....:mad:

 

This one was just too important to forget.

I mean, you remembered everything else, except this one vital, highly significant and extremely important factor.....??

 

It's like being in charge of a meltdown-prevention programme at a Nuclear reactor, and you then recounting events, saying "One thing I forgot to mention, they did tell me not to push that red button over there"....

 

My previous advice was to go with option #3. Prior to the above, I was convinced it was the reasonable way to go...

 

In light of this revelatory "oops I forgot to mention" - Art's suggestion is bang on the button.

[blinky101]

This could be a good option, however one thing I failed to mention. In the email from J before she told me about the daughter she said:

 

This seems extremely strange and I don't understand why she would ask such a thing or why it would need to be confidential.

 

Well, she'll be quite unreasonable if she asks you to keep something/anything from your spouse. I'd tell J that you'd be happy to support her and have discussed the same with your wife and hopefully your W will take the high road and maybe make a new friend out of this and take the stress off your marriage.