Author LostMyHeart Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 1st lesson - Never make decisions with your heart. 2nd lesson - It's okay to leave a situation/relationship/friendship if you find it unacceptable. 3rd lesson - It's okay to love someone, but if they do not feel that way about you, do not allow yourself to be the string along. If you stay, come back for more, you are guilty of allowing them to do that to you and they are guilty of leading you on. 4th lesson - Never be afraid to be the leaver/dumper even if you love them with all your heart. If it's bad for you, do what's right for you. 5th lesson - Never put all of yourself into someone else. Put yourself first, but be good and kind to them in return...balance. 6th lesson - Never, ever let a person play with your heart...if they use guilt or manipulation to keep you coming back....let them go. I know there were a lot of things I didn't do right....but there were more "right" things in this (whatever it was) than I have had in my life thus far. I hate what I have lost, but question if I really lost anything other than myself for a while if there was nothing on the other side (not that into you). Deconstructing as fairly as I can as I blame myself more than anything. 24 hours NC and have finally cried less....I hope that is a good sign for my healing....but I know it's not going happen overnight. Link to post Share on other sites
z00m25 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 excuse my ignorance what does SO stand for? significant other? thats a guess. But yes sorry that you have to go through this i know exactly how you feel. Tomorrow marks my 1 month anniversary of the breakup maybe ill go out and celebrate the fact that I'm still alive when at first it felt like i couldnt go on Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 Hi z00m - yes, you got SO correct...not even sure if I should use that to define him, but have to call it something huh? Today was a little better....I think the first day I haven't cried in a month and only on the second day of NC. Now I see why they say NC is so powerful because still being in contact with him was truly hurting me. It gives me back control over myself as well as gives me my dignity back. I did have some bouts of finding myself worrying about him and how he is doing, so I wrote what I needed to hear instead of dwelling on him. You can't make someone love you...very real factor, so move on and get over it (takes time). On the other hand, I still get upset that he would tell me to the last day that he "isn't looking, not pursuing" someone else. I mean who tells someone that they don't want a relationship but then tells them that too?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 At times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves that we have rights. Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can't afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we've removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion. Our path, our way, is a gentle one, walked in love - love for self, love for others. Set boundaries. Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love. It's okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release these feelings. Grief is a cleansing process. It's an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future - a future free of sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 At times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves that we have rights. Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can't afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we've removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion. Our path, our way, is a gentle one, walked in love - love for self, love for others. Set boundaries. Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love. its ironic that you wrote this because i have been thinking about how hard someone was on me. and that i know they THOUGHT they had to be like this to me to abandon me and "do their thing" and move on in life. but i hate the way they went about it and i kept asking myself...why....why couldnt they have one once of compassion? so hopefully, like you said....when they separate themselves (and they are way separated from me..as separate as you can get) maybe then they will someday look back and say to themselves "i could have been more compassionate." i hope they do...because it was down right horrible for them to be one way for year and years and then do a COMPLETE 360 plus. i am trying so hard not to hate them for how they went about everything. i can accept things through love. but i am finding ti so hard to feel this way about they became so horribly ruthless, and self serving. i can truly be happy for them..if they werent so mean about it all in the end. anyway just venting. but your post gave me hope that one day when they feel they are "separate " enough..maybe they will be a tad bit sorry, they werent a tad bit kinder, in the end. (like the COULD have been) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 One day maybe...but you can't hold out for that...and wait for them to see it. I do hope you are doing okay..recalling your previous post. I just hope one day for an apology...where stopping would have been right instead of letting it linger on. I really have to try hard to remember the last time I felt at peace and was happy with him...I wish I could get that feeling back (used to tell him that when days got hard, I remembered that time of us)...but it's too late and too much has happened...some things just happen by design...a seed planted and a proverbial weed left to grow and punch thorns in our lives, not just your life but his as well. It ultimately changes one or the other. Heard this song in the car today and it brought up all the memories I would rather keep...the latter ones of his letting go...I will deal with when I am stronger. Take one day at a time hun...you know how much you can handle...and ultimately show yourself the compassion that you know you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 thank you. you are a very compassionate person and seem very wise. it's a shame he hurt you so much. but you seem very strong and forgiving...and again 'compassionate'... and i do feel that WILL get you very far in your healing it better to feel compassion than to be bitter. as for me..i wont hold out for him to get how poorly he treated me in the end. maybe he will someday..maybe he wont. all i can do is be grateful for when he was good to me and the years of goodness i had and experienced. i just cant wait till the shock and hurt is completely over someday. anyway going to listen to that song you have there in the youtube link. continue to take care and stay as sweet as you are. dont let anyone change that about you! : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) It's hard...today was a hard day...had to write a lot this morning. Then I had lunch with my uncle who has been happily married for 20 years. He liked this guy, the things I told him about him...but I recently told him it was a hard time now and he wanted me to tell him what was going on. It was good to get a man's perspective because, of course, the female conglomerate is going to take on the femi-nazi view. He was shocked at some of the things that my SO had said to me lately because a gentleman who cares about the feelings of someone else would not do that to someone they know is romantically tied to them. But I still fight the fight that he did what he had to do because he knew that I needed to find the strength to let go....and I know I did too. A part of me will always love the man that I knew when I was in his company and when he was trying to truly be good to me....a part of me will always hurt over what we lost. Part of my journal today: People who truly care about each other - even as friends - would put the care of the other's feeling first. I would have never done what he did to him...but, I also would not have led him on if his feelings were so strong and mine were not. This is the right thing to do (NC), I need to let him go, let go what is hurting me. I will never forget the wonderful times he treated me so well. I truly needed that from a man given I'd never had that before...but I do deserve to be treated better and like that from someone who can respect me. Boundaries and next time I feel like this with anyone, I will not give my heart so freely or be charmed by them until they earn my care. I wish him love and let go in that.... I will add...that I will never, ever do an LDR again...it hurts too much, especially when they let go before you have a chance to let them go. Edited February 12, 2011 by LostMyHeart Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 amen! well said Link to post Share on other sites
Yeahsussu Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I will add...that I will never, ever do an LDR again...it hurts too much, especially when they let go before you have a chance to let them go. This is exactly how I feel... I felt he let me go before I even had a chance to understand what was going on. This was a month before I had to go home to my country... He was becoming distant, didn´t wanna be intimate.. things like that. And he was the love of my life. Still is. You seem to be such an awesome person, and I wish I had your strenght. I feel like my ex still wants me to string along (with his sweet loving texts..), and I´m so weak and falling for it, even if I try to keep my distance to it. I don´t wanna cut him out of my life, but it´s hard to find a balance that I can deal with. Hugs to you, and keep posting, we wanna know how you´re doing! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 Thanks to all and hugs back....the stringing along was the hardest, and I finally realized it was me doing that to myself as much as it was him saying things that felt like that too. I really hated cutting him out of my life, but there is no balance when your emotions are all up in the air. My uncle gave me an interesting perspective yesterday that sort of made me think of things differently...had this not been an LDR and we had been seeing each other steady, it probably would not have lasted more than 3 months. Be happy for what was and take the good things from it. Spend some time to be good to yourself and when you are ready, you will know it is time to feel that way again when the right person comes along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 I went out last night with a group of friends and tried to have some fun...but I found myself studying people and how they act with each other...noticed happy couples and also warded off advances from men (of course I'm not there yet nor will be for a while). I'm not sure if I will ever put myself back out there...I just don't know how to and don't think I ever want to again. After my exH left several years ago and we divorced, I was okay with it because it was a horrible marriage and a relief that he left. It was hard getting over the way he did it, but I dated a few guys...just never progressed to anything. I hate that the first guy that finally rekindled my heart (something that I thought was dead for so long) was the one to break it. Hard day...just a hard day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Dismantling and putting away all momentos and memories...I truly hate this, I do. I stupidly sent him a letter explaining why I had to go NC....not blaming, just that I realized that it was time and he needs to go his own way and I need to let go. I understand and I need to reclaim myself...even though it breaks my heart. I will probably not hear back and I don't know if he cares, if he even sees how his words and actions that night killed me...how he could say that I could be walking away because I want someone else when I tell him and show him that there was only him...he was all I wanted and needed in my life. The hateful tone of his voice was the last thing I heard...turning my feelings for him around on me and that will always stick with me. The dismissal and coldness of it. I want the good memories back, but it hurts too much to think of them anymore. I never want anyone that close to me again......I wish I had never opened my heart....I wish that men could put the shoe on the other foot and see things from another perspective instead of just how they feel....I understood that it was hard for him, not knowing what he wanted after I told him my feelings for him - why couldn't he just let me go then instead of hanging on saying he wasn't looking, wasn't pursuing, loved being with me...but think to how hard it would be for someone who is in love with someone to have to deal with watching you replace them. A man who has had that happen to them in the past should be able to see that and have some empathy....not expect a woman to be happy being a back up plan. I guess there was no easy way out.....why won't indifference come???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 All momentos put away...every picture...every small token...tucked away in a box with my heart at the top of my closet. Talked to a counselor today to work thru these emotions...she told me that I got a glimpse of what I wanted and my heart got wrapped up in it...he got a glimpse of what he wanted too in a way. Our last night together, I made him dinner after a long, hard day at work. He told me later that the hardest thing about being divorced was coming home to an empty house. I can understand that...I truly can. Can I fault him for wanting to find his own happiness right there instead of a thousand miles away? I guess I can't as long as he does stick to that and works for it...I just wish he had been honest with me instead of making me feel like a backup plan...that's really the wrong he did me, and it's an apology that I probably will never get from him. The irony is that four positions at a company came available an hour from him with full relocation benefits the same week all of this happened. We never got to talk about because even though his words were "not looking, not pursuing", his actions betrayed him. Trust is the hardest thing to maintain in any relationship...especially an LDR. I miss him so much in my life...but the timing was just not right I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
turokturok5 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 look forget him, you deserve better, theres someone out there for you just waiting to love you with all their heart. I dated this girl for 2 months, i know it was short, but i had liked her for so long just because she seemed really nice, and was really beautiful. I couldnt believe it when she said yes when i asked her out, i treated her affectionately, i tell her she was beautiful and hold her tight, and she dumped me for being too clingy. I feel better now reading your story, because i know there are people out there who want to be loved as much as they love, you'll find someone like that, dont worry, i wish you were my girlfriend Link to post Share on other sites
Rose T Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 1st lesson - Never make decisions with your heart. 2nd lesson - It's okay to leave a situation/relationship/friendship if you find it unacceptable. 3rd lesson - It's okay to love someone, but if they do not feel that way about you, do not allow yourself to be the string along. If you stay, come back for more, you are guilty of allowing them to do that to you and they are guilty of leading you on. 4th lesson - Never be afraid to be the leaver/dumper even if you love them with all your heart. If it's bad for you, do what's right for you. 5th lesson - Never put all of yourself into someone else. Put yourself first, but be good and kind to them in return...balance. 6th lesson - Never, ever let a person play with your heart...if they use guilt or manipulation to keep you coming back....let them go. Hi LostMyHeart! I've been following your thread and I think you're doing amazingly well! You're in a much better place than a month ago, and you seem to be healing all the time. You know, you will probably look back at this relationship and thank the experience for all the lessons it's given you which will help you protect yourself and watch your boundaries in future relationships! Good for you for working on yourself and writing out your thoughts. You're going to be an amazing partner for someone in the near future. Good luck and God bless xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Rose T - Thank you so much for checking in...I'm trying really hard. I still have days when a memory hits and I feel like I can't keep it together but I know a lot of that is from my own guilt of going NC on him...I feel that the only thing he sees is that I abandoned him...I feel he will never acknowledge how his actions and words betrayed the meaning of us and why I had to do that to him. I am getting to that anger stage and that scares me because I don't want to lose the good feelings of what he meant to me...I do want to be able to look back and be thankful for the experience....I just wish things had not ended so badly...that we could have had a clean break and walked away being better for it. If he could just give me that acknowledgment...it would be like being able to release each other from the pain and hurt. I do hope to find someone amazing...someone mature in what they really want out of life and love. I do hope that is out there for me. Thank you Rose for your kind words and wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 look forget him, you deserve better, theres someone out there for you just waiting to love you with all their heart. I dated this girl for 2 months, i know it was short, but i had liked her for so long just because she seemed really nice, and was really beautiful. I couldnt believe it when she said yes when i asked her out, i treated her affectionately, i tell her she was beautiful and hold her tight, and she dumped me for being too clingy. I feel better now reading your story, because i know there are people out there who want to be loved as much as they love, you'll find someone like that, dont worry, i wish you were my girlfriend Aww, turoturok - You are sweet...I have read your threads and you are just a romantic person...that's not clingy to want to show your affection to another. You will find a woman some day that loves to be shown that she is loved...she will be the right one for you. You are so young right now, but don't ever let a woman make you lose that wonderful side of your personality...it's a blessing to have a huge heart. Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I am getting to that anger stage and that scares me because I don't want to lose the good feelings of what he meant to me...I do want to be able to look back and be thankful for the experience....I just wish things had not ended so badly...that we could have had a clean break and walked away being better for it. If he could just give me that acknowledgment...it would be like being able to release each other from the pain and hurt. wow that is EXACTLY how i feel/felt...still feel. you know you are mature enough and capable enough to know you can move forward, even though your heart is breaking. IFF and especially IF they id it in a kind caring manner (the break-up). it can still be tender and meaningful and you can place that on a nice shelf somewhere in your mind and find comfort and healing in that. but its the COLDNESS, especially after they were always so nice. its the stark contrast. its how they make you feel like dirt and meaningless when you were convinced for so long you meant something. that wounds the soul and very spirit in you, and slows the healing process incredibly. you have a right to be mad. even if he was mr great guy before the break up. the break up was done in a more hurtful manner. i feel its not a bad thing to process the anger. but just dont get stuck in it. its not healthy to suppress the anger OR get all caught up in it. that's why i always emphasize balance. but dont obstruct your feelings and healing process. let it flow. the hurt hurts. the anger trumps the hurt. then you are supposed to go back and forth with the emotions of loss until you heal completely as possible. they say this in the book mars and venus starting over by john gray and when youre lover leaves you by richard white side. basically thats the jist of the 2 books. its to just not get stuck in the feelings. i often felt that if we could just have one last conversation where he REALLY acknowledges how it didnt have to end the way he went about it, that it could have actually ended a better way...so we could look back and smile. i dont know that he gets that picture. he needed to get hurt like this by someone to know what the heck i am talking about. there are honest caring ways to go about things. and i know you are the type that could have better compartmentalized such a let down if he showed real genuine concern that resembled any love he ever professed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 NC almost 3 weeks now....one contact instance that ripped my heart out once and for all....I miss the man I cared so much for and cared about me at one time...I will always miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 How can someone love, hate and forgive all in one breath? That's the way I feel about this man. I can love him, hate something he does but forgive him all in one instant. But even that isn't enough to fix this. I've thought back to a conversation that he and I had before about jealousy and men in my life cheating on me...my insecurity in that. I could see his point that he is not those men and I should trust him, but I still look at his comment about his feelings being jumbled with this girl...suddenly talking to me about her as if I were just some friend and not his lover. He blasted me, said I was looking for something to be angry about to end it and I didn't believe him. I wanted out, fine...I'm out. I've spent the past three weeks more in agony over hurting him by going NC than I have anything else. I never wanted to hurt him, but I couldn't continue to string along and watch myself turn into this crazy person while he moved on right in front of me...telling me he wasn't looking, not pursuing. Instead, I cast him out...disposed of him as he has said...and in that, have hurt him far worse. I know that I have lost the most special person I held dear in my life, a source of my happiness but also a source of great pain sometimes, I guess mostly self-inflicted. He left the door open to letting me know that he was there if I wanted to talk and I finally did after several days of getting myself together. We always said that we would be friends no matter what, but it is too difficult once you go down this path. His side, doesn't want a friend who will cut him out...on my side, don't want the romantic entanglement without commitment. Most days I feel my world coming apart, but I know that he is moving on. Our relationship changed us both, for the good I hope. I found that I could open my heart again after having it shut for so long. I found that looking at someones actions means more than the words they say. I know that I can be good to someone who is being good to me and what it is like to be treated well. I continue to work on letting go...... Link to post Share on other sites
mbm69 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 LostMyHeart, I've just read your thread for the first time this morning. We are going through similar emotions right now. I'm also dealing with the end of an LDR. It's a little different from you because I'm already in a committed relationship and this OM is an old flame from 20 years ago that reconnected with me a few months ago. Ok, it was an affair, but I was in love with OM 20 years ago and still am today. I was in the process of possibly ending my 17 year long relationship with my spouse for him. When he got spooked and told me he met someone else. But that he still 'loved me', that I was one of the 'most important' people in his life and that he wanted to stay 'friends'. I'm going through the same emotions you are, so I completely understand what you are going through. I am in NC mode since last week and I am in total AGONY. The pain is excrutiating. I am unable to function normally. I haven't deleted him from my email account or my FB or my cell phone, but I know I will have to at some point. Just not there now. I haven't checked my email in a week. Nor have I my FB. But I told him not to contact me... that when I was ready to be friends I would contact him. Anyways, I know exactly what you are going through and I know how awful it is. What has been the most useful for me is to try and keep myself as busy as possible. Keep my mind off him. It's tough, because there are often triggers that remind me of OM, but if I don't keep myself busy, I will obsess about him all day long Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostMyHeart Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 No offense mbm69, but I can hardly relate what I am going through or what I have put the man I love through....we are not having affairs. He is single and so am I...so I just don't know how to relate to any of that since neither he nor I have ever cheated on a spouse. I feel for you, I do and I do appreciate the sentiment....but I would suggest deleting the OM and going complete NC, not only that, but do a full disclosure with your husband. I'm sorry, but cheating on your husband with an LDR in no way relates to my thread here...nor to my pain. Link to post Share on other sites
mbm69 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Ok, well, I guess I asked for the lash out. I'm so sorry, I did not mean to offend you or anything. That wasn't my intention at all. I will bow out of the discussion now. Link to post Share on other sites
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