Janine Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I need help with my feelings. I am in an extremely serious relationship with a guy and he proposed a week ago, and I said yes... But now I am getting serious doubts in my mind...and I'll tell you why. I'm 34 and he's barely 21. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he positively dotes on her. But now, after 8 months of dating, the age gap has suddenly become a thorn in my eyes. Its not that I feel he'll leave me, because he is absolutely different from any man I've met. Its more that when put next to each other..., lets just say it doesn't exactly look like a marriage picture. Its just the figures which keep running through my mind...I'll be 40 when he is in the prime of his life...plus I don't know what my daughter thinks about having a father who is just 7 years elder to her...she doesn't have any issues with me dating him, but I haven't told her anything about the marriage. My feelings are just messed up at the moment. Please help.... Link to post Share on other sites
BabyGirl Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 You have alot to think about. You say the age difference bothers you, is there a difference in the maturity level also? What are the things that are causing you to have doubts...besides the age? Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Well, Demi and Ashton are doing it. But, the most important thing here is your daughter. You really need to have a serious talk with her to see how she feels about the whole thing. Her feelings have to be considered first in this situation. Maybe you should date a little or a lot longer before deciding on marriage especially if you are having doubts about the age difference and what it may be like in the future. Did you want more kids? If that is why you are in a hurry to marry, you still have plenty of time so maybe you should take this relationship slower. What is the hurry? Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Hmmmm....this is an interesting situation indeed. It is somewhat uncommmon for the woman to seek a younger man....statistically, ususally it goes the opposite way with the age ratio. My suspecting mind would also suggest that your daughter might see the unbiological relationship with your fiancee' differently as she matures, and their age ratio would become more typical. Whatever you do....make sure that true Love is the driving force. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I generally end up dating guys who are younger than I am. If I were planning to get married to one of them though....I would have apprehensions regarding having additional children, continuing being interested in his choice of entertainment or any other number of issues which may come up if our age difference didn't 'shift' from one generation to the next easily. As you get older, sometimes the gap can seem wider at certain points. HOWEVER, I DO believe true love would over-ride all that stuff. Please keep us posted as to what decision you end up making. Link to post Share on other sites
koobeanz Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Obviously he loves you or he wouldn't have proposed. Obviously you love him or you wouldn't have said yes. Love has no barriers, it shouldn't matter to anyone else that you two want to spend your lives together. If your daughter seems to be ok with him as your boyfriend, I see no reason that she wouldn't approve as her step-dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Janine Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I sat my daughter down last night and told her all about what had happened over the last week.... I was stunned when she was overjoyed at the prospect of me marrying him. Once or twice I thought of asking her about the awkwardness of the age gap, but thought better of it. I am still having thoughts about the age difference between me and him, and I still haven't told him about it. And suddenly, I've started thinking about what his parents might have to say about this... I have a lot to think about in the coming days and I'd appreciate it if y'all help me here.... Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Hi Janine I am 10 years older than my bf - i'm 32, he's 22 and it does concern me a bit, but only because i THINK i should be concerned when i talk to others as they are concerned. but the people that are concerned have never met him, my 37 year old flatmate says hes never met anyone better suited for me - but i dont need anyone else to tell me that. you get no guarantees in anything, i posted on here about an issue that brought up my age gap concerns and thought through them and came up with the conclusion that my lack of guarantee here is no different to any other lack of guarantee. I read recently in a womens magazine that the likelyhood of divorce is decreased by a fairly dramatic %age when the woman is older than the man, and we are in good company, the likes of cameron, madonna and demi dont see a problem - and the media have stopped painting it as an 'odd' senario, it all helps take the pressure off - but it seems to me the only person applying pressure here is yourself! now your daughter has given her blessing, which is fantastic news and should have been a concern, what other issues do you see apart from his parents? and lets face it, millions of others have a problem with the in-laws so its certainly not insurmountable if it were to be a problem - what makes you concerned about them? if hes happy, will they be? the big issue is timing and whether you want the same things out of life. i think you can get pre-marriage counselling and compatibility testing and stuff (solemate can you answer that? calling resident expert on counselling..) which might help you clarify your thinking. an issue for me was difference in experience - i have had 2 other long term relationships, and i have a deeper understanding of who i am as a result of those experiences. the only way you can get to the bottom of these issues is with communication and honesty. His life experinence may make that gap close, for eg my bf lost his twin 18 months ago - hes got experience i can only hope i dont have to go through until much later in life - and i will never go through the loss of a twin. i am thinking about making a more serious commitment in the next few months, so need to do some thinking too. i have just googled 'age gap relationships' - lots has come up so will have to trawl through it tonight - if i find anything good i'll post it back here BB Link to post Share on other sites
Janine Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I just realised that I hadn't posted anything here about how things worked out for me...So here I am... I dont know how he did it, but my love just guessed that I'd been having second thoughts about the marriage. He said he loved me more than I could imagine and he would do anything to be with me, even put off the marriage totally if thats what it took...He said we could continue dating for another year, and if I still didn't want to get married, that would be it...And I already know now that I want marry him...I'll be telling him this on his birthday this sunday... I'd really like to thank y'all for all the help you've rendered, you can't imagine how much of a difference you all are making in people's lives...I'll be making a nice little donation to this site this month...Thank You, really... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Congratulations, Janine! I love hearing about happy-ever-afters! Best of luck to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
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