My Wife wants a seperation, How Do I Give Her the Space She needs and Still Keep Her?

[sadone68]

On November 4th, 2010 my Wife sat down and told me she could not live like we had been for the past 5 or 6 years. She told me she was not happy anymore and did not Love me like she used to.

 

We have been together for 21 years and Married for 16 of those years.

 

The issues in our Marriage I believe are all my fault, you see back in 2005 I started investing in real estate, I was going to be the next Trump. I jumped in with both feet and I thought I consulted with her about purchasing an apartment complex as well as a rental home but in her eyes I did not and then she did not want to say no because I had a tendency to tell her that she never supports me in anything I want to do.

 

Then on December 19th 2005 I quit my Job with a company I had been with for 6 months without discussing it with her I just walked out and we have 3 kids. This was very stupid of me. I found another job in about 3 months I work in the IT field so that was not an issue for me but we did have to borrow money to stay afloat and then when I sold a house I did not pay back the loan.

 

Over the next several years we all know what happened to the real estate market. This put us into a financial world of hurt. We have been living paycheck to paycheck with too much month at the end of the money. We have been so negative some months that it has just killed us. We have made some hard decisions to get us past that and they are starting to take hold but we have damaged our relationship so much.

 

In December of 2009 we filed for Chapter 13 and in December of 2010 we converted it to a Chapter 7. This was our second time filing for Chapter 7 as we did it once before back in 2001. She tells me this has brought up s many feelings to her that she just can't take it anymore at this time and needs a break.

 

We are filing for separation as soon as we can afford to file. I am thinking we will be in the black by March or April. Once that happens depending on my raise I will probably move out and we will then figure out from there what is next.

 

She is back in school now, sh cannot go back to what she used to do because of the Chapter 7 filing. I told her I will support her and that I Love her more than anything and I am truly sorry for all the pain I have caused her.

 

She tells me she can't get past what I did when I walked out of the job and bought all that real estate without her consent really even though she had to sign for it too.

 

I don't believe in Separation but I respect her decision and will give her what she wants. She tells me that we need to get our Finances in order, a new home for the kids and out of the apartment that we are now in and then we can start working on us and I know she is right but I just want to know how do I give her the space she needs and keep her at the same time? I should also mention we are going to counseling but we have only been once and we are set to go on Jan 31st. We can't afford to go every week, we are trying to get out of debt and with the Chapter 7 behind us we should be able to start gong more.

[PWSX3]

One thing I can tell you is it's a LOT harder to have two households instead of one, so being separated isn't going to be easy when it comes to finances.

 

I know she is set in her ways, she doesn't love you anymore, but I can assure you it would be a lot cheaper to try & make the marriage work then to break it apart.

 

I know there are web sites that work on relationships such as focus on the family. You could also check a local church to see what types of options they have.

 

I was married for 28yrs. & there are a lot of people on here that say they are so much better off, but that's not always the case.

 

I would also suggest she goes to a counselor about why what you did is still bothering her, I'm sure that is just a symptom of something deeper.

 

Divorce is NOT easy and when you throw kids in the mix it's even worse. I feel unless there is some type of physical abuse, couples need to work hard on the marriage.

[sadone68]

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

We have talked about that as well and we both know that it may not be possible to live in separate homes since she is in school and I am supporting her.

 

She say's who knows maybe in six months she will want me back but she cant make any promises. To her credit she was very up front with me on this and asked if she could go to school for the next two years since it would put a lot on me.

 

With that said I believe she still wants to be with me she is just very hurt by what happened and all that we lost over the last few years. I was so stupid, we were doing just fine with everything and I had to go out and play Donald Trump. We would be so well off right now with my current salary but I had to be impatient and jump in to something I knew nothing about.

 

I think she needs to talk to someone as well about what I did and why she can't get past it.

 

I know we will get through this and I Pray that we do too. I still Love her the same as the day that I Married her.

[You Go Girl]

And if the market hadn't have crashed? Then perhaps you would be rolling in dough.

But it did.

So your wife blames you for the market crashing. She did sign.

 

She supported you even though she now regrets signing. This isn't truly logical thinking. It may be that she is upset because as you state, she can no longer do the job she was doing as somehow it is restricted due to your financial situation.

 

So yes, support her going back to school. Don't file for separation. It is illogical to file for separation yet still be responsible for her financially while she goes back to school. Ex-husbands don't financially support ex-wives. This makes no sense.

 

I don't think she wants a divorce. If she did, she would understand that not working for the next two years is probably impossible, right?

 

Be attentive. LISTEN. Don't be planning what you are going to say next while she is talking. Something tells me that you are not a good listener. It is a hunch, and it may be incorrect. If so, I apologize now.

 

If you are supportive of her, attentive to her, listen well, do the little things that count without being a doormat, and show affection--kisses or hugs or whatever, eventually she will probably come around.

Apologize when necessary. Don't over-apologize or you look like a wimp that deserves a thrashing.

While rebuilding your financial situation, rebuild the trust and love. Work on it all at the same time.

[robf1971]

The issues in our Marriage I believe are all my fault, you see back in 2005 I started investing in real estate, I was going to be the next Trump. .

 

Dude, I applaud you for this. You took a risk, you can't win every time but at least you tried

[robf1971]

She is back in school now, sh cannot go back to what she used to do because of the Chapter 7 filing. I told her I will support her and that I Love her more than anything and I am truly sorry for all the pain I have caused her.

 

.

 

Why can't she get a job?

[robf1971]

We are filing for separation as soon as we can afford to file.

 

Sorry but somthing stinks. "Oh my G-d we are so poor", but somehow she has the money to afford a separation and to run 2 households. She's also done a fantastic job of making you feel guilty, so that you have agreed to support her through school.

 

You are being a doormat. Yep she can separate, in fact you can't stop her but she has to get the message that if she leaves she needs to pay for it i.e get a job.

 

eg Wife,

 

"I love you very much and don't want you to leave but I won't stand in your way. However you need to pay your own way through school"

 

She will go crazy and make you feel even more guilty but the fact is, she wants to break your family apart. She needs to feel consequences for her crappy decisions. Ohh one more thing, I've been in exactly the same position as you so I know.