Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[SarcasticBlonde]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months. We both come from different backgrounds. I grew up in the US and spent most of his life in Japan and Great Britain. He came here 2 years ago for his job as an engineer. He doesn't have any family here. He hasn't dated anyone since he moved here until we started dating. He is very different from other men I have dated in that he has never "played the field" and is very considerate and affectionate.And he is very vocal about wanting to get married and have children.

 

He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with me and my parents, siblings and extended family. They are all very fond of him.

 

I'm currently in school full time and work part time. He is a successful man and does well financially. I have had some hard financial times since I started school and he is very supportive of me getting an education and offered to help me financially if I ever need it.

 

He has only had one serious girlfriend and that lasted 2 years and ended right before he moved to the United States. From what he told me he asked her to come with him to the US thinking she would come but she turned him down. He was pretty heartbroken.

 

So even though most of the last 3 months have been positive, lately I have been feeling neglected. The last 2 weeks he has been very busy at work for some ongoing projects. He tends to stay at work very late and go in to help others on the weekend when he doesn't have to. I know his job is very important to him and I'm happy he has such a great work ethic so I'm trying to be understanding about that.

 

This past Friday night he called me after work and I mentioned to him that I would like to see him more often. We have usually been seeing one another about 2-3 times a week, but its always at my request. He doesn't initiate seeing me like he did in the beginning. He never turns down seeing me but I always have to do the asking and I'm tired of it. I told him I feel that he has gotten too comfortable and I have made it too easy for him. He than got defensive and we started arguing. He told me he didn't know I was so unhappy. I explained to him that I'm not miserable I just wish he would put in more of an effort. He has a very hard time talking about his feelings so it wasn't a very productive conversation. After a little while I felt that I was going in circles. After about 35 minutes of arguing he said that he felt that seeing me twice a week was enough for him. He said that is what he is "comfortable" with. BTW, one of those times per week isn't until like 8pm and by 11 we are in bed because he goes to work and I have school in the morning. The other day is usually on a weekend.

 

We do live about an hour away from one another but I don't mind the drive if it means I get to see him. He said the commute was a pain and that sometimes he just wants time for himself. Which I know everyone needs space, but twice a week isn't enough for me. And I also told him I guess my willingness to drive the hour and see him more often said something about how I felt for him. We have not said I love you. So I saw this as an opening to ask him how he felt about me. He said he cares about me and he doesn't think the amount of times he sees me per week, speaks for how he feels. I disagree.

 

I told him that I wasn't going to change my mind aoout needing to see a man I'm in a relationship with more than twice a week and that and maybe we are looking for different things. That maybe it wasn't going to work out.

Towards the end of the convo I was in tears. He told me he doesn't want to end things and we would spend more than twice a week together. But it now feels forced and I kinda feel like I now know his feelings are not as strong for me as I thought.

 

We got together last night with some of my friends but I had all of this nagging in the back of my head all night. He asked me if I was ok and I told him I was still a little upset about our conversation and left it at that. He stayed over last night and I didn't bring it up again. It really bothers me and I'm not sure if I'm being irrational or not. I thought maybe I should take an active step back from initiating things and not be so available. He calls me every night and tonight I figure maybe I will just let the call go to voice mail.

 

Opinions?

[SarcasticBlonde]

FYI, I'm 30, he is 32.

[Nexus One]

The last 2 weeks he has been very busy at work for some ongoing projects. He tends to stay at work very late and go in to help others on the weekend when he doesn't have to. I know his job is very important to him and I'm happy he has such a great work ethic so I'm trying to be understanding about that.

 

His works is his work. People need to make money to pay bills. Pressuring a potential partner into scaling down is unfair if you knew he had a busy life before you started the relationship. However, the fact that he has promised to give you more time and thus potentially scale down for you speaks volumes. If a man does that he's serious, because he will probably be exchanging income for time with you.

 

I told him I feel that he has gotten too comfortable and I have made it too easy for him.

 

Oh get off your high horse.

 

He than got defensive and we started arguing.

 

From a male perspective I can see why he did that.

 

He said he cares about me and he doesn't think the amount of times he sees me per week, speaks for how he feels. I disagree.

 

I believe he means what he says here. He simply needs to be practical about his time schedule.

 

He told me he doesn't want to end things and we would spend more than twice a week together.

 

He's scaling back for you, take note.

 

But it now feels forced and I kinda feel like I now know his feelings are not as strong for me as I thought.

 

Nagging and pressuring could indeed be or become a turn-off for men, but he's still with you and that also speaks volumes about him. Men in general have a high tolerance level, but they do have their limits regarding this.

 

I thought maybe I should take an active step back from initiating things and not be so available. He calls me every night and tonight I figure maybe I will just let the call go to voice mail.

 

That's giving mixed messages. You'd be confusing him and irritating him only further than you already did.

 

Look this guy is an engineer. He's probably a rationalist. The way you approached him and intend to further conduct yourself will confuse the hell out of him, because it's not rational at all. Men are simple beings, they don't read between the lines or play games. If you retract yourself from him, then he'll be thinking that that's exactly what you want. Men understand only clear and direct language expressed in a tactful manner.

[SarcasticBlonde]

His works is his work. People need to make money to pay bills. Pressuring a potential partner into scaling down is unfair if you knew he had a busy life before you started the relationship. However, the fact that he has promised to give you more time and thus potentially scale down for you speaks volumes. If a man does that he's serious, because he will probably be exchanging income for time with you.

 

I'm not talking about scaling back work at all. I'm talking about the time he ISN'T working.

[Nexus One]

I'm not talking about scaling back work at all. I'm talking about the time he ISN'T working.

 

Ok, but he already said he would spend more time with you and that he didn't want to end the relationship. Yet at the bottom of your first post you are suggesting you should now take a step back and no longer answer the phone.

 

So he gives you more time and that's the response you're considering? Or I'm missing something here?

[Madgick1]

He spent all the holidays with you and your family, now it's time to buckle down back to work. People all over America are doing this. Please don't feel neglected; it's hard to be around other people's families particularly at the holidays. That he did this for you is a good sign.

 

You need more time, he's happy with the amount you have. Can you compromise? One week see him 3 times a week, the next just two. He may need that alone time to recharge. He may be an introvert.

 

Why do you need more time? Can the void you feel be filled with a phone call? Two visits a week and a 2 hour phone call?

 

What are the chances of you moving closer to him?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Ok, but he already said he would spend more time with you and that he didn't want to end the relationship. Yet at the bottom of your first post you are suggesting you should now take a step back and no longer answer the phone.

 

So he gives you more time and that's the response you're considering? Or I'm missing something here?

 

 

Like I said it feels forced. And I feel like maybe taking a step back will let him take the lead. I'm tired of doing most of the initiating as well.

[SarcasticBlonde]

He spent all the holidays with you and your family, now it's time to buckle down back to work. People all over America are doing this. Please don't feel neglected; it's hard to be around other people's families particularly at the holidays. That he did this for you is a good sign.

 

You need more time, he's happy with the amount you have. Can you compromise? One week see him 3 times a week, the next just two. He may need that alone time to recharge. He may be an introvert.

 

Why do you need more time? Can the void you feel be filled with a phone call? Two visits a week and a 2 hour phone call?

 

What are the chances of you moving closer to him?

 

I would like to spend more time with him because I enjoy it. I want to get to know him better as a person. I don't think a phone call can substitute. And like I said my issue isn't with him working, its when hes not working.

 

Moving isn't an option any time soon. For financial reasons, school, family and friends. I wouldn't move my life around for a guy that can only see me twice a week.

[Nexus One]

Like I said it feels forced. And I feel like maybe taking a step back will let him take the lead. I'm tired of doing most of the initiating as well.

 

Have you told this to him like you told it here? Because he's the one that needs to know such information. If you cut him off without him knowing exactly why, then you will give him the wrong impression. You'll only be confusing him. Men do not understand games. It's like you want him to "get it" by letting him read between the lines of your actions. The thought patterns of men do not operate in that manner. Like I said, men do not read between the lines, they only understand clear and direct language in a tactful manner. I guess that will be especially true for engineers.

 

I also agree with Madgick. He might need to recharge from his busy work or be an introverted person. What would you do if he does indeed need that time?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Have you told this to him like you told it here? Because he's the one that needs to know such information. If you cut him off without him knowing exactly why, then you will give him the wrong impression. You'll only be confusing him. Men do not understand games. It's like you want him to "get it" by letting him read between the lines of your actions. The thought patterns of men do not operate in that manner. Like I said, men do not read between the lines, they only understand clear and direct language in a tactful manner. I guess that will be especially true for engineers.

 

I also agree with Madgick. He might need to recharge from his busy work or be an introverted person. What would you do if he does indeed need that time?

 

I did tell him how I feel. He was on the defensive. I'm not trying to play a "game". I just want him to put some effort in making a plan and time to see me.

 

If he is completely against spending more time with me, that may be a deal breaker.

[deebeechrisyo]

It seems like even if this guy does spend more time with you, you will resent it anyway because it will seem forced. I believe you already know what the outcome will be.

[Nexus One]

I'm not trying to play a "game".

 

You want him to initiate, you think you can accomplish that by not picking up the phone. That's a game in my opinion.

 

 

 

I just want him to put some effort in making a plan and time to see me.

 

You mentioned he already gave you more time. Does that mean you want more time on top of the time he already gave you? If so, does he know that? Does he know you want more time on top of the extra time he gave? Like I said you need to be clear to him, men are not psychic. Such information does not simply appear magically into their minds.

 

Don't get me wrong. I might come across a little harsh, but I mean well. What I don't get, he will probably neither. I hope you get more time with him, but he needs to know exactly how much time you want and then plan it into his time schedule of work and recharging time. In my opinion it's that simple.

[SarcasticBlonde]

It seems like even if this guy does spend more time with you, you will resent it anyway because it will seem forced. I believe you already know what the outcome will be.

 

What that I'm going to screw it up?

[deebeechrisyo]

What that I'm going to screw it up?

 

That you are going to end the relationship. It's not screwing it up if you don't think the relationship will work out. You want someone who shows more interest in you then this guy is right now. Nothing wrong with that.

[SarcasticBlonde]

You want him to initiate, you think you can accomplish that by not picking up the phone. That's a game in my opinion.

 

 

You mentioned he already gave you more time. Does that mean you want more time on top of the time he already gave you? If so, does he know that? Does he know you want more time on top of the extra time he gave? Like I said you need to be clear to him, men are not psychic. Such information does not simply appear magically into their minds.

 

Don't get me wrong. I might come across a little harsh, but I mean well. What I don't get, he will probably neither. I hope you get more time with him, but he needs to know exactly how much time you want and then plan it into his time schedule of work and recharging time. In my opinion it's that simple.

 

He said we will spend more time together, but saying and doing are two different things. I don't think you are being harsh. I posted here for opinions for a reason.

 

I told him how I feel but I'm not sure that will be enough to make him jump into action.

[SarcasticBlonde]

That you are going to end the relationship. It's not screwing it up if you don't think the relationship will work out. You want someone who shows more interest in you then this guy is right now. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Yes that is really what it comes down to. I feel like he wants a part time girlfriend. I'm not ok with it that.

[Jannah]

You want him to initiate, you think you can accomplish that by not picking up the phone. That's a game in my opinion.

 

If you go back and re-read the original post, she addressed his lack of initiative in spending time with her. And, he in turn said "he felt that seeing her twice a week was enough for him".

 

He said "that is what he is comfortable with".

 

He didn't really attribute it to his work schedule, you see, but more so that seeing her twice a week, was enough for HIM, and he's not comfortable at that point - with it being more.

 

I think maybe she felt frustrated, rejected and upset, perhaps needed some time for herself to get her thoughts in order. So, I don't think there is anything wrong with her scaling it back a bit, given what he said to her.

 

In the end, I think this is going to boil down to a compatibility issue, either way.

[SarcasticBlonde]

If you go back and re-read the original post, she addressed his lack of initiative in spending time with her. And, he in turn said "he felt that seeing her twice a week was enough for him".

 

He said "that is what he is comfortable with".

 

He didn't really attribute it to his work schedule, you see, but more so that seeing her twice a week, was enough for HIM, and he's not comfortable at that point - with it being more.

 

I think maybe she felt frustrated, rejected and upset, perhaps needed some time for herself to get her thoughts in order. So, I don't think there is anything wrong with her scaling it back a bit, given what he said to her.

 

In the end, I think this is going to boil down to a compatibility issue, either way.

 

 

Thank you, ding ding! You get it.

[Nexus One]

Thank you, ding ding! You get it.

 

But can a man get it? That was my point. You women seem to be in agreement, but it's all mysterious alchemy to us men.

 

Sure I get it after having it all laid out to me in a forum discussion, but communication in the real world is a whole other ballgame. Keep that in mind when he does not seem to "get it".

[Jannah]

But can a man get it? That was my point. You women seem to be in agreement, but it's all mysterious alchemy to us men.

 

Sure I get it after having it all laid out to me in a forum discussion, but communication in the real world is a whole other ballgame. Keep that in mind when he does not seem to "get it".

 

Telling someone you'd like to spend more time with them, see more of them, etc., doesn't exactly take a brain surgeon on the receiving end, to understand....

[Nexus One]

Telling someone you'd like to spend more time with them, see more of them, etc., doesn't exactly take a brain surgeon on the receiving end, to understand....

 

I was referring to the not picking up the phone thing and/or cutting him off. That's what I suspected him to interpret in the wrong way.

[Chocolat]

Yes that is really what it comes down to. I feel like he wants a part time girlfriend. I'm not ok with it that.

 

I don't think is the deal.

 

I think it's possible that you and your bf have different needs when it comes to time together. Perhaps he is an introvert who needs more alone time, while you are an extrovert who receives affirmation of the importance of the relationship by the amount of time you spend together. Neither perspective is right or wrong, but it's possible you don't match up.

 

FWIW, I would also be comfortable seeing someone twice a week, especially at the 3-month mark and when there was a 1-hour drive involved. This would not mean that I wasn't into him, but that I like to have time for me as well as time for other friends and interests.

[SarcasticBlonde]

But can a man get it? That was my point. You women seem to be in agreement, but it's all mysterious alchemy to us men.

 

Sure I get it after having it all laid out to me in a forum discussion, but communication in the real world is a whole other ballgame. Keep that in mind when he does not seem to "get it".

 

I don't understand what is confusing about wanting him to put in more effort to see me.

[Nexus One]

I don't understand what is confusing about wanting him to put in more effort to see me.

 

That wasn't the confusing part. The confusing part was how you intended to accomplish that.

[SarcasticBlonde]

That wasn't the confusing part. The confusing part was how you intended to accomplish that.

 

I want him to take the lead. Me not picking up his call gives me time to think about things. And maybe he needs time to think about things as well. I'm not sure he thinks I'm as serious as I am about the issues we discussed.