Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[ConflictedGuy27]

Before I go further, I'd like to understand what you're saying because I'm having difficulty digesting it.

 

Are you saying that beautiful women are bratty? Or that bratty women are beautiful?

 

neither. I called OP bratty earlier. I stand by that; regardless of her attractiveness.

 

now then, I'm assuming her avatar is her. in which case, she is very beatiful (whether she agrees or not is bedside the point... I could line up 30 guys that would agree by simply going door to door).

 

I don't deal in silly generalizations like all attractive women are X. not only is that foolish, it simply wouldn't accommodate the hottie girl next door that fails to realize she's a hottie. but I digress...

 

I have zero ill will toward OP; however, I see a pattern I've witnessed first hand, twice, therefore i'm throwing out my two cents for constructive purposes only; despite my approach -- i'd be lying if I told you I wasn't pleased I have your attention, blondie.

[SarcasticBlonde]

neither. I called OP bratty earlier. I stand by that; regardless of her attractiveness.

 

now then, I'm assuming her avatar is her. in which case, she is very beatiful (whether she agrees or not is bedside the point... I could line up 30 guys that would agree by simply going door to door).

 

I don't deal in silly generalizations like all attractive women are X. not only is that foolish, it simply wouldn't accommodate the hottie girl next door that fails to realize she's a hottie. but I digress...

 

I have zero ill will toward OP; however, I see a pattern I've witnessed first hand, twice, therefore i'm throwing out my two cents for constructive purposes only; despite my approach -- i'd be lying if I told you I wasn't pleased I have your attention, blondie.

 

I guess negative attention is attention.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Wonderful! Wishing you the best in your conversation with him tomorrow! Don't be petty, be great.

 

 

....Gosh, I can sound so wierd on these forums. I mean to say, let go of being upset and make the most of life.

 

Thanks. Its hard to be positive at this point, but I'm trying.

[Star Gazer]

I really thought he cared about me enough to give me what I was asking. Thats all.

 

Do you think that love, even assuming he feels love for you, is enough to give you whatever you ask, even if it makes him uncomfortable?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Do you think that love, even assuming he feels love for you, is enough to give you whatever you ask, even if it makes him uncomfortable?

 

 

I don't think its love anymore. And thats what I didn't understand, the "comfortable" thing. We enjoy each others company and have a great time. It felt like he was hitting rewind.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I guess negative attention is attention.

 

I'll take your word for that, love; since I have yet to dabble with passive aggressiveness & all.

 

good luck during your face to face. no bull sh*t, don't be defensive. just hear him out and process it. resist any knee jerk reactions to defend.

 

silence may very well be your best friend.

I recommend you use it.

[Star Gazer]

I'll take your word for that, love; since I have yet to dabble with passive aggressiveness & all.

 

Nope, just full-on aggressiveness.

 

I can say it because it takes one to know one. Play nice, guy.

[Star Gazer]

I don't think its love anymore.

 

Can you answer the question? If a man loves you, do you think he should do whatever you ask of him, regardless of how it makes him feel?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Can you answer the question? If a man loves you, do you think he should do whatever you ask of him, regardless of how it makes him feel?

 

of course not. I was just very hurt that seeing me one more day wouldn't be ok. I mean why not just have us see other people? If he only wants to spend x amount of time together. I felt rejected and didn't feel like a relationship to me.

[Eddie Edirol]

of course not. I was just very hurt that seeing me one more day wouldn't be ok. I mean why not just have us see other people? If he only wants to spend x amount of time together. I felt rejected and didn't feel like a relationship to me.

 

In fairness to you Blonde, it wasnt a relationship. I see your issue, I lived it....I hurt someone in the process.

 

I was your bf in my last relationship, saw the gf 4 times a week at first, then I started losing interest in her, she was asking for more, and I scaled back the visits because I wasnt into her enough to talk to or see her more. I thought I would have been into her, and i wasnt. We would up fighting about just this situation where she wanted to see me more, and I broke it off with her, because I wasnt interested in saving the relationship. I told her the same thing he told you, wasnt comfortable seeing her more often. I just didnt want to see her and completely kill the last bit of attraction I had for her. I had to end it just to stop wasting her time. Wasnt fair.

 

I knew I wasnt into her then, but I REALLY realize I wasnt into her because I want to see my new girl all the time now. I dont think its about what you deserve, its about what feels natural to you both.

 

You want a serious relationship where you both initiates contact and visits. As busy as he is, I truly think hes not into you if he is content with twice a week. Thats just speaking from personal experience where I gave the same exact excuses.

 

If he is thinking the same way I did, he doesnt want to let you go just in case its a mistake. Maybe eventually gain attraction to you again, but that wont happen if you nag him about it.

 

Just dont contact him, let him do all the contacting. Let him make all the plans, and you will know quickly how badly he needs to see you. To be honest, he probably wont.

 

You just want him to initiate something, its not unreasonable, but you most likely wont get it with this guy. Give him a chance, but then move on if it doesnt happen.

[SarcasticBlonde]

In fairness to you Blonde, it wasnt a relationship. I see your issue, I lived it....I hurt someone in the process.

 

I was your bf in my last relationship, saw the gf 4 times a week at first, then I started losing interest in her, she was asking for more, and I scaled back the visits because I wasnt into her enough to talk to or see her more. I thought I would have been into her, and i wasnt. We would up fighting about just this situation where she wanted to see me more, and I broke it off with her, because I wasnt interested in saving the relationship. I told her the same thing he told you, wasnt comfortable seeing her more often. I just didnt want to see her and completely kill the last bit of attraction I had for her. I had to end it just to stop wasting her time. Wasnt fair.

 

I knew I wasnt into her then, but I REALLY realize I wasnt into her because I want to see my new girl all the time now. I dont think its about what you deserve, its about what feels natural to you both.

 

You want a serious relationship where you both initiates contact and visits. As busy as he is, I truly think hes not into you if he is content with twice a week. Thats just speaking from personal experience where I gave the same exact excuses.

 

If he is thinking the same way I did, he doesnt want to let you go just in case its a mistake. Maybe eventually gain attraction to you again, but that wont happen if you nag him about it.

 

Just dont contact him, let him do all the contacting. Let him make all the plans, and you will know quickly how badly he needs to see you. To be honest, he probably wont.

 

You just want him to initiate something, its not unreasonable, but you most likely wont get it with this guy. Give him a chance, but then move on if it doesnt happen.

 

That's pretty depressing. Just what I didn't want to hear.

 

So should I not meet him tomorrow to talk? He offered to drive to my place but I know he works late so I offered to go to him. Not sure why he was so keen to come to me..:/

 

I feel like maybe now I shouldn't meet with him.

[carhill]

He offered to drive to my place but I know he works late so I offered to go to him.

Darn...

 

Wish you would've let him take charge and negotiate in your territory. Regardless, definitely do meet with him. Stand up, be counted and deal with what comes. This is important to you. Let your words and actions reflect it. He'll say what he'll say and do what he'll do. That's out of your hands. Focus on resolving it in a positive way and go in with that mindset.

 

I feel like maybe now I shouldn't meet with him.

 

You should have been a fly on the wall when my exW and I had the 'divorce talk'. It was painful but we both faced it as mature adults. Think about how much better the worst possible downside for you is versus that. It's highly likely there won't be a downside at all. Regardless, chin-up and go to it

[Eddie Edirol]

That's pretty depressing. Just what I didn't want to hear.

 

So should I not meet him tomorrow to talk? He offered to drive to my place but I know he works late so I offered to go to him. Not sure why he was so keen to come to me..:/

 

I feel like maybe now I shouldn't meet with him.

 

Stick to your original plan and let him come to you. if he doesnt call to have this meeting, then he doesnt want to do it. Then see if he tries to act like nothing is wrong, let him bring it up. He already knows you want to see him more, he knows that you are going to step back and let him initiate, let him do it. if he doesnt really want to see you more, then he wont do it even after youre not pressuring him anymore. And worse than that, if you walk, he probably wont be that hurt either...which would be your definitive answer.

 

I know its not what you wanted to hear, but I think you needed the truth in the back of your head just in case it happens so it only hits you like a bean bag rather than a mack truck. I saw you getting attacked here and just had to let you know I understood what you were looking for, and offer a different answer.

[Nexus One]

I just don't understand how something so good changed just because I asked for more time with him?

 

Facepalms himself. You know damn well that the mere request for more time with him is not what brought you in the current situation. If you continue to ignore this fact, then the outcome has already been set in stone.

 

Now I feel that he thinks I don't appreciate him and that he couldn't satisfy me. When its just the opposite.

 

That's because you communicated exactly that and planted exactly that idea in his head. It's what happens when women play games with men, because and I'll say it again. Men only understand clear and direct tactful language, they DO NOT understand games when it comes to women. They will not read between the lines of your actions or words. They take your actions and words literally and exactly the way they come out of your mouth.

 

I actually feel like saying: "I told you so". Because you ignored the advice I and others gave you regarding this very point. I, as a man, felt very strongly about the advice I gave you, because the things I mentioned are so strong in men that they're pretty much universal truths, give or take a few exceptions.

 

The man you like is first of all a man, that means he already operates in a certain manner that men do, on top of that he's an engineer. He's a rationalist and irrational behavior will drive him away from you.

 

I'm here for advice and to hear other people's opinions on my situation.

 

That's not the idea that I got from you, as you ignored pretty much all advice, except for the advice that emphasized the intentions you already had. You don't have to do anything anyone here tells you, it's your call in the end, but some things are so obvious that if you willfully choose to ignore them, then you're working towards a result that will naturally flow from that.

 

Throughout this thread I had the feeling you were setting up to sabotage the very thing you wanted, a relationship with him.

 

When this is all over, either with a happy end or bad ending, then after a few months with a fresh perspective re-read this thread and try to learn from the mistakes.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Nexus One

[SarcasticBlonde]

Facepalms himself. You know damn well that the mere request for more time with him is not what brought you in the current situation. If you continue to ignore this fact, then the outcome has already been set in stone.

 

 

 

That's because you communicated exactly that and planted exactly that idea in his head. It's what happens when women play games with men, because and I'll say it again. Men only understand clear and direct tactful language. They will not read between the lines of your actions or words. They take your words literally and exactly the way they come out of your mouth.

 

I actually feel like saying: "I told you so". Because you ignored the advice I and others gave you regarding this very point. I, as a man, felt very strongly about the advice I gave you, because the things I mentioned are so strong in men that they're pretty much universal truths, give or take a few exceptions.

 

The man you like is first of all a man, that means he already operates in a certain manner that men do, on top of that he's an engineer. He's a rationalist and irrational behavior will drive him away from you.

 

 

 

That's not the idea that I got from you, as you ignored pretty much all advice. You don't have to do anything anyone here tells you, it's your call in the end, but some things are so obvious that if you willfully choose to ignore them, then you're working towards a result that will naturally flow from that.

 

Throughout this thread I had the feeling you were setting up to sabotage the very thing you wanted, a relationship with him.

 

When this is all over, either with a happy end or bad ending, then after a few months re-read this thread and try to learn from the mistakes.

 

Ok. I did not ignore any advice as far as my actions with my boyfriend go. What I talked about here I didn't actually do. He usually calls me on a nightly basis. The only difference is he called me a little earlier than usual since he knew he would be at work late. I didn't go through with ignoring his call or playing any games. The conversation happened in a clear and calm manner. No game playing. He doesn't know about everything I said here. You have to look at this situation and keep in mind I had not spoken to him since Sunday morning. We had a great night on Saturday. Our arguement happened on Friday and yes I was planning on bringing what I was looking for up again but I wanted to post here and get different opinions before doing that. Any thoughts he had since the last we spoke he came to on his own, not because of anything I said I was gonna do here.

 

We did talk last night because of some advice I got here. I didn't brush him off or give him any game playing ultimatums. I just said him saying I was clingy for wanting to spend more time was hurtful. He came back with the fact that he has been so stressed out at work and things were so busy that he hasn't had time to think clearly. And he wants me to be happy but doesn't know right now if he can give me that extra time. I really don't think he gets that I was talking about time he wasn't spending at work, even though I was very clear about that on Friday. His work comes first, and I knew that. So I guess If I want to save this I need to be crystal clear about my understanding about this tonight. I'm hoping that when we meet it isn't to say goodbye. Because prior to Friday he said he felt things were fine. And for the most part that's true.

[ConflictedGuy27]

...So I guess If I want to save this I need to be crystal clear about my understanding about this tonight. I'm hoping that when we meet it isn't to say goodbye.

 

if you want to save this, do your best to keep his interests and motivations in mind, sincerely.

 

the underlying problem that you created was an idea: "I need what I need, no matter what you need; and if you can't give me what I need, without compromise, I'm either leaving, or I'll make you give it to me."

 

the raw idea would sound something like that, IMO.

 

to fix your situation requires that you sufficiently squash the idea that he matters less than you.

 

minimally, try to keep your discussion equal. best case scenario, and what I believe you should be shooting for, is attempting to highlight what it is you can do to help him, since he's all stressed and stuff.

 

I think you should appologize and tell him you weren't thinking enough about ways you could help him. I'm not suggesting you lie or kiss his proverbial "butt", but I'm convinced that showing some sincere humility can go a long way toward helping you fix things with your bf.

 

if I were him, and I felt no humility from you, or worse, a staunch resistance to really consider my feelings/needs then I'd become frustrated, then disappointed because that would prove to me that it couldn't work.

 

& frankly, OP, no man wants to dump a hottie. I have a strong sense that he'll be taking a final look under the hood tonight. just be sweet and focus more on him then yourself and I'd bet you two will patch things up.

 

good luck.

[SarcasticBlonde]

if you want to save this, do your best to keep his interests and motivations in mind, sincerely.

 

the underlying problem that you created was an idea: "I need what I need, no matter what you need; and if you can't give me what I need, without compromise, I'm either leaving, or I'll make you give it to me."

 

the raw idea would sound something like that, IMO.

 

to fix your situation requires that you sufficiently squash the idea that he matters less than you.

 

minimally, try to keep your discussion equal. best case scenario, and what I believe you should be shooting for, is attempting to highlight what it is you can do to help him, since he's all stressed and stuff.

 

I think you should appologize and tell him you weren't thinking enough about ways you could help him. I'm not suggesting you lie or kiss his proverbial "butt", but I'm convinced that showing some sincere humility can go a long way toward helping you fix things with your bf.

 

if I were him, and I felt no humility from you, or worse, a staunch resistance to really consider my feelings/needs then I'd become frustrated, then disappointed because that would prove to me that it couldn't work.

 

& frankly, OP, no man wants to dump a hottie. I have a strong sense that he'll be taking a final look under the hood tonight. just be sweet and focus more on him then yourself and I'd bet you two will patch things up.

 

good luck.

 

Well thanks for some kind words, this time. Yes I know my approach of threatening to end it over his lack of time wasn't the right one. I should have thought about it before I acted off my emotions. I acted quickly and when I was emotional. Not good.

 

I don't want him to think that I don't appreciate what we do have because I do. I just wanted a little more. I don't think it was a lot. But my expectations are not his. I'm guessing he feels that "he wasn't doing good enough" and maybe that he won't be able to please me.

 

I need to get that out of his head.

[Ms. Joolie]

Just remember that you are not doing anything wrong, SarcasticBlonde. You want a relationship! He has a valid 'excuse' about his work, but does this excuse work for you?

 

If he isn't available right now for a relationship with you, when will he be?

 

Right now my BF is not available for the relationship I want and I am not available for the relationship he wants. It's difficult because we love each other so much, but we are just not on the same pages in this. Neither one of us wants to budge to the others needs. And we shouldn't, not if we don't want to.

 

So you two are going to meet tonight on different pages, what are you going to do?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Just remember that you are not doing anything wrong, SarcasticBlonde. You want a relationship! He has a valid 'excuse' about his work, but does this excuse work for you?

 

If he isn't available right now for a relationship with you, when will he be?

 

Right now my BF is not available for the relationship I want and I am not available for the relationship he wants. It's difficult because we love each other so much, but we are just not on the same pages in this. Neither one of us wants to budge to the others needs. And we shouldn't, not if we don't want to.

 

So you two are going to meet tonight on different pages, what are you going to do?

 

I don't think my request was wrong but my approach and threat was. I should have taken time to think about and than wait till we saw eaxh other in person to discuss it.

 

I care about him way too much to walk away over something that may be temporary. Of he can't give me more for the time being because of his job and stress, than I can more more understanding of that. And I can wait it out.

 

But if its another thing all together and he doesn't want to spend more time with me because he doesn't enjoy my company enough or any other reason like that than I may need to let this relationship go. Because any reason like that would mean he's not that into me. And I want someone that cares for me and wants to build on that.

 

I know he cares about me but I don't know the extent of it. One of the other posters said when he told his ex he only wanted to see her twice a week it was because his attraction for her wasn't strong and he was trying to hold onto her in case it came back. I hope that isn't my boyfriends reason.

[Ms. Joolie]

The way you have handled this initially may not have been the way you really wanted now that you look back. You can admit this to him and get it out of the way, if you like.

 

I know you care for him, and he has cared for you. That's why he has called you every night. You don't have to worry that he has not enjoyed your company. My request to you is meeting up with him tonight knowing he's cared for you and listening to how much he cares for you.

 

You really want a relationship with this guy, and you've been hurt that it looks the way it does right now. I'm glad you two are meeting up tonight to talk about this. This is a generous thing for your guy to do, and its been generous of you to let him know what's really going on with you.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

[ConflictedGuy27]

I don't think my request was wrong but my approach and threat was. I should have taken time to think about and than wait till we saw eaxh other in person to discuss it.

 

I care about him way too much to walk away over something that may be temporary. Of he can't give me more for the time being because of his job and stress, than I can more more understanding of that. And I can wait it out.

 

But if its another thing all together and he doesn't want to spend more time with me because he doesn't enjoy my company enough or any other reason like that than I may need to let this relationship go. Because any reason like that would mean he's not that into me. And I want someone that cares for me and wants to build on that.

 

I know he cares about me but I don't know the extent of it. One of the other posters said when he told his ex he only wanted to see her twice a week it was because his attraction for her wasn't strong and he was trying to hold onto her in case it came back. I hope that isn't my boyfriends reason.

 

I sense a few things after reading this.

 

cheif among them is what i'd call an irrational insecurity. I assume you're serious when you entertain the idea that he may not be that into you... that's amazing to me and points that you're failing to process the obvious.

 

refer back to your own post where you listed many of the things he does to show he cares. remember? calling you daily, taking you on trips, seeing you 2 - 3x per week w/ a long commute and difficult work schedule. listen, guys that aren't into a woman do NONE of that stuff -- especially the daily calls.

 

the "he may not be into me" stuff is wildly inappropriate. if I were your bf and you played that card it would support the "it's all about me" idea because I'd say to myself, "wow, she's either forgotten, or fails to appreciate all that I do for her. how much more must I give her so she can see?"

 

I would throw that entire notion right out the window, OP. this man is into you.

 

one other thing. try to help him. it's team work time. whether there's a viable solution that you two can work out or not isn't even the point. a man loves a helpful woman. it shows us they care for us. best of all, in your case, it would demonstrate compassion for his obligations and a willingness to actually compromise.

 

IMO, any apologies you make tonight are empty without the "let's talk about how I can help you" component. help each other; cause that's what relationships are about. if you just stick to, "hey I shouldn't have forced an ultimatum on you, I'm sorry" all that says is you were disappointed by the outcome of the tactic you tried.

 

again, what truly drives home an apology is a willingness to do things differently.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I sense a few things after reading this.

 

cheif among them is what i'd call an irrational insecurity. I assume you're serious when you entertain the idea that he may not be that into you... that's amazing to me and points that you're failing to process the obvious.

 

refer back to your own post where you listed many of the things he does to show he cares. remember? calling you daily, taking you on trips, seeing you 2 - 3x per week w/ a long commute and difficult work schedule. listen, guys that aren't into a woman do NONE of that stuff -- especially the daily calls.

 

the "he may not be into me" stuff is wildly inappropriate. if I were your bf and you played that card it would support the "it's all about me" idea because I'd say to myself, "wow, she's either forgotten, or fails to appreciate all that I do for her. how much more must I give her so she can see?"

 

I would throw that entire notion right out the window, OP. this man is into you.

 

one other thing. try to help him. it's team work time. whether there's a viable solution that you two can work out or not isn't even the point. a man loves a helpful woman. it shows us they care for us. best of all, in your case, it would demonstrate compassion for his obligations and a willingness to actually compromise.

 

IMO, any apologies you make tonight are empty without the "let's talk about how I can help you" component. help each other; cause that's what relationships are about. if you just stick to, "hey I shouldn't have forced an ultimatum on you, I'm sorry" all that says is you were disappointed by the outcome of the tactic you tried.

 

again, what truly drives home an apology is a willingness to do things differently.

 

I have a very hard time believing when someone cares for me. I have some emotional baggage I need to try to let go of.

And yes I understand it will take more than I plain "I'm sorry" in my situation. I'm assuming he thinks I may be impossible to please and it may be too much of a chore for him to deal with.

 

I have never dated someone with a job like his before and I think I really didn't "get" how demanding and draining it is. I took his not wanting to see me more personally, when now I'm seeing the light of what it really was. It really was the stress and exhaustion he has been under at work. With also trying to make me happy. He has been worn out the last few weeks and I'm really just now "getting" it.

 

He told me this month would be tough. He did, but I didn't really hear him.

[Ms. Joolie]

If I were you, I would consider whether this demanding and draining job of his is going to work for you in the long run.

 

Is this man really going to provide for you the relationship you need in the long run?

 

Just things to consider.

[SarcasticBlonde]

If I were you, I would consider whether this demanding and draining job of his is going to work for you in the long run.

 

Is this man really going to provide for you the relationship you need in the long run?

 

Just things to consider.

 

It isn't always like this for him. The first 2 months we dated he had much more time.

 

This is a temporary thing that will happen a few times a year. And yes that is something I think I can work with.

[Eddie Edirol]

I agree with conflictedguy. I like the approach of offering how you can help him de-stress first before deciding to drop it entirely. I supposed when you talk to him about this you will be able to gauge where your relationship stands with him.

 

I did forget to mention in my situation that I reduced my phone conversations to every other night with my ex, so if he's talking to you every night, well thats better.