Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[zengirl]

...but...three months in? You consider 3 months in to a relationship to be the middle part of it?

 

I do. The beginning of the middle, but the middle. The middle of the pre-marriage relationship, at least. I consider the first 2 months the beginning, generally months 2-6 the settling in, and anything past that is pretty far in for me. At this point, I wouldn't be with someone more than a year if I didn't intend to marry them, though. It really depends on your age/status/the kind of relationship you want, but this guy sounds like me and my BF---people who know they're looking for a LTR that's heading to marriage.

 

You have made some great points in this thread, Zen, but here I really feel like it boils down to "too much too soon."

 

Could be, though I've been seriously immersed in every LTR I've ever had by 3 months. And I've never had a TMTS situation. So perhaps just something I have less information on; usually, I see those TMTS situations as things that happen with guys who aren't really looking for a serious LTR.

 

If this guy was looking online, and expressed from the beginning that he was seriously considering any woman he dates as a LTR or life partner, then it seems to me it wouldn't be the push-too-hard, pull-back situation. Especially with the description of the guy. He sounds very much like an introverted, Asian, engineer in every way, even if I didn't know he was one. The TMTS guys are usually more . . . big and fantastical. This just sounds like a guy who is seriously considering people as LTR material to me because that's a priority he's set in his life.

 

Of course, I could certainly be wrong, but that's my read. I've seen TMTS stuff, and many stories on LS scream of it. This one, didn't really.

[SarcasticBlonde]

 

I am still downright disappointed in his reaction to her reaction though. I would have hoped he would be more understanding for her misunderstanding. If that makes sense. But then, if he is uncomfortable with his own feelings, he is surely more uncomfortable with a woman's feelings!

 

 

I'm thinking he is uncomfortable knowing I feel so strongly for him.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I do. The beginning of the middle, but the middle. The middle of the pre-marriage relationship, at least. I consider the first 2 months the beginning, generally months 2-6 the settling in, and anything past that is pretty far in for me. At this point, I wouldn't be with someone more than a year if I didn't intend to marry them, though. It really depends on your age/status/the kind of relationship you want, but this guy sounds like me and my BF---people who know they're looking for a LTR that's heading to marriage.

 

 

 

Could be, though I've been seriously immersed in every LTR I've ever had by 3 months. And I've never had a TMTS situation. So perhaps just something I have less information on; usually, I see those TMTS situations as things that happen with guys who aren't really looking for a serious LTR.

 

If this guy was looking online, and expressed from the beginning that he was seriously considering any woman he dates as a LTR or life partner, then it seems to me it wouldn't be the push-too-hard, pull-back situation. Especially with the description of the guy. He sounds very much like an introverted, Asian, engineer in every way, even if I didn't know he was one. The TMTS guys are usually more . . . big and fantastical. This just sounds like a guy who is seriously considering people as LTR material to me because that's a priority he's set in his life.

 

Of course, I could certainly be wrong, but that's my read. I've seen TMTS stuff, and many stories on LS scream of it. This one, didn't really.

 

Maybe it was too much, too soon. But I still think he is a pretty wonderful guy.

[zengirl]

He didn't warn me, though. Not until I asked. That doesn't really matter, I guess. I just had a nagging feeling that something was "off". It wasn't just the "2x a week" thing. But his initiating seeing me stopped. I took a step back and realized I was doing most of it. Yes he was calling me on a nightly basis but it still felt like he was pulling back. I even expressed this casually -about lack of initiating- and told him I felt that I was doing too much of it. I guess I didn't give him a chance to change it. But I'm still not sure he was INTO me.

 

I thought he told you his work was going to pick up and that it gets busy a few times a year. Am I misunderstanding?

[zengirl]

Maybe it was too much, too soon. But I still think he is a pretty wonderful guy.

 

I also wanted to add on this that it's very Japanese (I'm halfsies and have lived in Tokyo) to get involved quickly. Many people there get married at the 3 month mark, far more common than here in the U.S.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Sunshine, I need to clarify something. He never said he wanted to marry ME. But he made is known that is what he is looking for (an LTR) when it comes to dating someone. We met online, not sure if I ever expressed that.

 

When he told me I was the first woman he dating since he has lived in the US I was pretty shocked.

 

Whether or not he said he wanted to marry YOU, did you have several conversations about marriage? Or was it a one-time "hey, what are you looking for, generally, in a relationship?" inquiry that was then left alone?

 

Nothing wrong with the latter. However, if it was the former (and I have been there myself), my opinion is that repeated conversations about marriage/future so early in a relationship -- even if it's not specific to the other person -- inevitably create an intensity and momentum that can be hard to back down from later, and can unnaturally accelerate the pace of a relationship, as one or both parties wonders whether they've met THE ONE while daydreaming about weddings and babies, all before they have really gotten to know the person.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I thought he told you his work was going to pick up and that it gets busy a few times a year. Am I misunderstanding?

 

 

After I nagged him why I wasn't seeing him, he told me.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Whether or not he said he wanted to marry YOU, did you have several conversations about marriage? Or was it a one-time "hey, what are you looking for, generally, in a relationship?" inquiry that was then left alone?

 

Nothing wrong with the latter. However, if it was the former (and I have been there myself), my opinion is that repeated conversations about marriage/future so early in a relationship -- even if it's not specific to the other person -- inevitably create an intensity and momentum that can be hard to back down from later, and can unnaturally accelerate the pace of a relationship, as one or both parties wonders whether they've met THE ONE while daydreaming about weddings and babies, all before they have really gotten to know the person.

 

It was more of a "what are you looking for in the long term" kind of convo....

[sunshinegirl]

It was more of a "what are you looking for in the long term" kind of convo....

 

Okay, so that's good...

 

As a bystander, it's interesting to surmise what happened, and to notice the similarities with what I've gone through. Maybe I'm off, given some of the cultural considerations others have mentioned; maybe I'm downplaying the role you played in all of this. Regardless of all that, at the end of the day the sad reality remains that he has stepped away from you and there is nothing you can do to compel him back into your arms and life.

 

I'm not sure I would have advised sending your text, but if you feel it clarified your intentions and hopes, okay, that's cool. Now all you can do is stay away (don't contact him again), and move forward with your life as though he is not going to be part of it. He stepped away, so he is the one who needs to step back in.

 

(((hugs)))

[SarcasticBlonde]

Regardless of all that, at the end of the day the sad reality remains that he has stepped away from you and there is nothing you can do to compel him back into your arms and life.

 

I'm not sure I would have advised sending your text, but if you feel it clarified your intentions and hopes, okay, that's cool. Now all you can do is stay away (don't contact him again), and move forward with your life as though he is not going to be part of it. He stepped away, so he is the one who needs to step back in.

 

(((hugs)))

 

When he would say some of the things he did about marriage and possibly leaving the US. I told him I want to get married and moving could always happen. But I also expressed that I thought it was too soon to answer those questions in regards to him. He seemed ok with that.

 

And yes I know the ball is in his court now. When we talked last night he said he didn't think of it as a break up, but more of a "break" I don't really see the difference:confused:

 

But anyway, He knows I like to go out and be sociable with people. I don't party like I used to but I still do girls night and hang out with friends, on the weekends. And I get my fair amount of attention from the opposite sex. So I can't help but wonder if he wanted me to know he still considers us together, so I wouldn't explore other options. Not that I'm ready for that.

 

I don't plan to contact him again. But I have to ask- why do you think the text was a bad idea?

[Ms. Joolie]

I'm thinking he is uncomfortable knowing I feel so strongly for him.

 

I think that in general you have strong feelings, and he doesn't. My guess is that he's been taken aback by your display of emotion, but that he really has cared for you.

 

That your emotion and your concern over the last five days is a dealbreaker for him though is just ridiculous to me. Even if his interest suddenly waned in these last two weeks, I would expect a better conversation about it then "I don't know how I feel, let me think."

[SarcasticBlonde]

I think that in general you have strong feelings, and he doesn't. My guess is that he's been taken aback by your display of emotion, but that he really has cared for you.

 

That your emotion and your concern over the last five days is a dealbreaker for him though is just ridiculous to me. Even if his interest suddenly waned in these last two weeks, I would expect a better conversation about it then "I don't know how I feel, let me think."

'

 

Me too.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I think that in general you have strong feelings, and he doesn't. My guess is that he's been taken aback by your display of emotion, but that he really has cared for you.

 

That your emotion and your concern over the last five days is a dealbreaker for him though is just ridiculous to me. Even if his interest suddenly waned in these last two weeks, I would expect a better conversation about it then "I don't know how I feel, let me think."

 

 

Its too bad telling someone you feel strongly for them is sometimes a bad thing.

[zengirl]

I think that in general you have strong feelings, and he doesn't. My guess is that he's been taken aback by your display of emotion, but that he really has cared for you.

 

That your emotion and your concern over the last five days is a dealbreaker for him though is just ridiculous to me. Even if his interest suddenly waned in these last two weeks, I would expect a better conversation about it then "I don't know how I feel, let me think."

 

Its too bad telling someone you feel strongly for them is sometimes a bad thing.

 

I think it's a bad thing when it comes from a place of need or negativity, i.e. "I feel so strongly about you; why aren't you doing X for me" is very different from telling a guy he's amazing and you love him, as he is. At least in my experience.

 

Strong feelings + conflict = Scared Man

 

Strong feelings + harmony = Happy Man

 

That's how I've always seen it. When women have strong feelings, they're more likely to "fight" for a relationship. With most men I know, especially introverted men looking for LTRs (especially especially introverted Japanese engineers), the more they care, the more they're likely to be hurt, scared, confused, and generally stuck when there is major conflict + emotion at the same time. Processing is just different. I don't think it's biological (but socialized), but it's what I've noticed.

 

Strong good feelings can easily turn to strong bad feelings.

 

And again, this is not to blame you or beat a dead horse, but I don't think the issue was that you expressed yourself. That would be a sad lesson to take. I think it's just the situation/manner in which you expressed yourself and the direction the emotions took.

 

The most productive time to express strong feelings is when things are good, but somehow I see so many people (and this isn't just you, but human nature in general!) wait to express them when they're unhappy about something.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I think it's a bad thing when it comes from a place of need or negativity, i.e. "I feel so strongly about you; why aren't you doing X for me" is very different from telling a guy he's amazing and you love him, as he is. At least in my experience.

 

Strong feelings + conflict = Scared Man

 

Strong feelings + harmony = Happy Man

 

That's how I've always seen it. When women have strong feelings, they're more likely to "fight" for a relationship. With most men I know, especially introverted men looking for LTRs (especially especially introverted Japanese engineers), the more they care, the more they're likely to be hurt, scared, confused, and generally stuck when there is major conflict + emotion at the same time. Processing is just different. I don't think it's biological (but socialized), but it's what I've noticed.

 

Strong good feelings can easily turn to strong bad feelings.

 

And again, this is not to blame you or beat a dead horse, but I don't think the issue was that you expressed yourself. That would be a sad lesson to take. I think it's just the situation/manner in which you expressed yourself and the direction the emotions took.

 

The most productive time to express strong feelings is when things are good, but somehow I see so many people (and this isn't just you, but human nature in general!) wait to express them when they're unhappy about something.

 

I did tell him how I felt prior to all of this. I told him weeks before.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I think it's a bad thing when it comes from a place of need or negativity, i.e. "I feel so strongly about you; why aren't you doing X for me" is very different from telling a guy he's amazing and you love him, as he is. At least in my experience.

 

Strong feelings + conflict = Scared Man

 

Strong feelings + harmony = Happy Man

 

That's how I've always seen it. When women have strong feelings, they're more likely to "fight" for a relationship. With most men I know, especially introverted men looking for LTRs (especially especially introverted Japanese engineers), the more they care, the more they're likely to be hurt, scared, confused, and generally stuck when there is major conflict + emotion at the same time. Processing is just different. I don't think it's biological (but socialized), but it's what I've noticed.

 

Strong good feelings can easily turn to strong bad feelings.

 

And again, this is not to blame you or beat a dead horse, but I don't think the issue was that you expressed yourself. That would be a sad lesson to take. I think it's just the situation/manner in which you expressed yourself and the direction the emotions took.

 

The most productive time to express strong feelings is when things are good, but somehow I see so many people (and this isn't just you, but human nature in general!) wait to express them when they're unhappy about something.

 

Why doesn't he just end it now? I'm sitting here and thinking...whats the point in holding out! All the reading and different replies, ideas, etc..are really making me think. This whole "time apart" thing seems pointless. I'm pretty sure he knows what he wants to do. Why put me through the torture?

[depplover_1980]

Have you not learned anything? He wants space and time, it may be pointless to you but not to him and he won't know what he wants. You have to be patient now and refocus away from here even, which is obsessing over it again and again.

 

I know limbo is bad and it's the not knowing that kills you but you have no choice, as really you don't want it ending, so stop saying so.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Have you not learned anything? He wants space and time, it may be pointless to you but not to him and he won't know what he wants. You have to be patient now and refocus away from here even, which is obsessing over it again and again.

 

I know limbo is bad and it's the not knowing that kills you but you have no choice, as really you don't want it ending, so stop saying so.

 

This place is keeping me sane, lol. I only say its pointless because I feel confident his feelings are not very strong for me. So why not just let me go..

[depplover_1980]

Hey you really need to drop this pathetic act and start getting a bit of confidence about it all you know? It is the only way forward, even get a bit mad at him in your head for putting you through it. Think 'his loss if he doesn't want this fine figure of a woman'.

[zengirl]

Personally, I doubt he knows what he wants, from your description of him. Or if he does---what he wants is the girl he used to know, before he saw this new dimension, and he can't have that. So he has to decide what to do with this new information.

 

That doesn't mean you have to wait around or do anything in particular that isn't productive for you. In fact, perhaps you should take the same time and decide if he's really what YOU want.

 

I did tell him how I felt prior to all of this. I told him weeks before.

 

Oh, wasn't saying you didn't. But I'm saying the telling him in the good times probably didn't do any issues---the expression of attachment, in a negative/needy way, however often turns people off. It's a matter of learning to filter your energy in a more productive way. Not easy, or even always possible, but generally helpful in relationships. Again, it was a more general statement----I don't think your expressing your feelings for him seems to have done anything horrible. Things were going along nicely.

 

It sounds like you are much more emotional than he, even more than a typical male/female socialization issue. This may be an incompatibility. It is certainly part of why he needs time/space now, I would imagine. I would need the same thing, after such an outburst. Again, I'm not trying to malign you. It seems like you realize what you did that was unproductive in general, and that's great. Can't undo it, and that sucks. But from everything you've said, it sounds like he was into you.

 

Into you enough to deal with the resulting drama/emotional consequences? Maybe not. And maybe you need someone who is. Or maybe you need less drama. That's really your call. Probably, it's a combination of the two, and nobody was perfect here (translation: lest it seem like it, I'm not saying this is all your fault; I just find it unproductive to attempt to give him advice since he isn't reading).

 

But I just don't buy that because he pulled back for two weeks, when he told you he was busy with work (seems logical/reasonable), and then needed space after a massive blowup, that he was never into you. At least the you he'd seen before this. He may not be into THIS side of you. And you may need someone who is, or you may elect to change this side of you---both of those are possible, regardless of what he decides. He can't unsee what he's seen, though. He has to process.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Hey you really need to drop this pathetic act and start getting a bit of confidence about it all you know? It is the only way forward, even get a bit mad at him in your head for putting you through it. Think 'his loss if he doesn't want this fine figure of a woman'.

 

I'm not acting, promise. And what you say is easier said than done. Please just let me feel sorry for myself, today at least.

 

 

I'm def angry, thats one of the reasons, I initially told him not to contact me during this time and returned his keys to him. I just wanted him to end it right there. Instead of putting me on hold.

[depplover_1980]

I'm not acting, promise. And what you say is easier said than done. Please just let me feel sorry for myself, today at least.

 

 

I'm def angry, thats one of the reasons, I initially told him not to contact me during this time and returned his keys to him. I just wanted him to end it right there. Instead of putting me on hold.

 

No not letting you girl, come with me and we'll have a dance. I am dealing with dumpsville here myself as you know but I think 'his loss big loss' and it is true. If he doesn't come round then he didn't appreciate you enough in the first place and you need to dust your lovely legs down and find someone who will. Once you learn to love yourself more that is...

 

Cocktail?

[fishtaco]

Why doesn't he just end it now? I'm sitting here and thinking...whats the point in holding out! All the reading and different replies, ideas, etc..are really making me think. This whole "time apart" thing seems pointless. I'm pretty sure he knows what he wants to do. Why put me through the torture?

 

Looks like from this post, you are still going at it, all guns blazing -- apparently he's now torturing you, while rubbing his hands together laughing maniacally. Has it occurred to you that perhaps he may be as confused and hurt as you are, and this is how he deals with it?

 

And your attitude of "just end it" has proliferated the whole thread. Guess what? He feels it too, and he's feeding off of it. Human interaction is not just words only. It's important to: 1) know what you want 2) talk like what you want 3) act like what you want 4) think like want you want. If you don't do that you can be sure he is confused.

 

Both of you are responsible for creating this situation. And this was just a small tangle to begin with. Very unfortunate.

 

Three months is a short time. Being an Asian engineer myself, I can tell you it'll take more than three months for me to "love" someone. So whatever his attitude is now, may not be a good indication of how he will feel two years from now. No one can predict the future. Maybe it'd be a good idea for you to not jump the gun and assume things, whether they are positive or negative assumptions.

 

If you are so sure about ending it, then you should do it instead of waiting for him to pull the trigger.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Personally, I doubt he knows what he wants, from your description of him. Or if he does---what he wants is the girl he used to know, before he saw this new dimension, and he can't have that. So he has to decide what to do with this new information.

 

Well if thats true for him, its too bad a few bad days cancel out the last 3-4 months.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Looks like from this post, you are still going at it, all guns blazing -- apparently he's now torturing you, while rubbing his hands together laughing maniacally. Has it occurred to you that perhaps he may be as confused and hurt as you are, and this is how he deals with it?

 

And your attitude of "just end it" has proliferated the whole thread. Guess what? He feels it too, and he's feeding off of it. Human interaction is not just words only. It's important to: 1) know what you want 2) talk like what you want 3) act like what you want 4) think like want you want. If you don't do that you can be sure he is confused.

 

Both of you are responsible for creating this situation. And this was just a small tangle to begin with. Very unfortunate.

 

Three months is a short time. Being an Asian engineer myself, I can tell you it'll take more than three months for me to "love" someone. So whatever his attitude is now, may not be a good indication of how he will feel two years from now. No one can predict the future. Maybe it'd be a good idea for you to not jump the gun and assume things, whether they are positive or negative assumptions.

 

If you are so sure about ending it, then you should do it instead of waiting for him to pull the trigger.

 

 

I'm expressing myself here right now. Thats all. He isn't reading this. I don't expect him to "love" me by this time. Care? Yes.

 

He asked me if I was happy with the way things were going prior to this. I told him I was. He has me if I wanted to continue it. I told him I did.

 

He asked me questions, and I answered all of them. For me, he didn't do the same.