Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[hydorclops]

Zengirl: I think it's a bad thing when it comes from a place of need or negativity, i.e. "I feel so strongly about you; why aren't you doing X for me" is very different from telling a guy he's amazing and you love him, as he is. At least in my experience.

 

Strong feelings + conflict = Scared Man

 

Strong feelings + harmony = Happy Man

Exactly.

 

"It's so fun to be with you, I want to hang out more."

 

Here's your boyfriends negativity, maybe based on fear:

 

"You're clingy."

 

He could have said, "I'm a little scared."

[zengirl]

Well if thats true for him, its too bad a few bad days cancel out the last 3-4 months.

 

I don't mean that they "cancel" it out, but whenever you get BIG new information about an SO, you might have to process. Some people process by discussing it with their SO; some need to process alone. Some people process so quickly they barely noticed they did; some people process so slowly, the relationship ends simply due to processing time.

 

Generally speaking, after the fight, I'm willing to bet he felt a few things:

*Guilty

*Incapable of making you happy

*Like he never wanted that to happen again because it was so stressful and intense

*Confused (Is this girl who I thought she was?)

 

Whenever you do something that prompts negative emotions in the other person, especially if it is done in an emotional manner, as yours would, there's a greater chance for volatility. Men who act/present like this man don't tend to like volatile, emotional situations, and they tend to wonder how the heck they got there and what happened and how it can be avoided. He's an engineer, so I imagine there will be an efficiency cost/benefits spreadsheet in his mind. Maybe not a conscious one. But I bet he approaches relationships like a thinker, whereas you approach them like a feeler. Doesn't mean it can't work. I know many thinker/feeler relationships. But you have to understand each other, and your situation is a prime example of what happens when you don't. A small situation becomes a break. Or a break-up.

 

Really, you cannot control his choice. So just make yours---you'd want him back if he came back or you wouldn't---honestly, and do what you can to stay okay with whatever he chooses.

[SarcasticBlonde]

 

Really, you cannot control his choice. So just make yours---you'd want him back if he came back or you wouldn't---honestly, and do what you can to stay okay with whatever he chooses.

 

I GET that, really I do. It just BOTHERS me that I'm supposed to just WAIT around. Like I'm disposable. I'm beginning to think that I don't know if I want to be with someone that can't tell me, even an inkling, how he feels about me

[Ms. Joolie]

The most productive time to express strong feelings is when things are good, but somehow I see so many people (and this isn't just you, but human nature in general!) wait to express them when they're unhappy about something.

 

"Good" and "bad" feelings needs to be expressed, and it is productive to express them both. She couldn't deal with what she was dealing with alone. She had to involve him in some extent. How she went about communicating her feelings was a lesson to be learned though. It's usually a lesson for all of us.

 

She wasn't wrong to express herself to him. I believe our feelings are simply an indicator of how things are occurring for us. She needed clarification from him to get a new perspective. This has to be done tactfully and not simply coming from an emotional outburst.

 

There is always conflict to deal with. How conflict is dealt with is what matters. I just hope this conflict doesn't scare him off and he's able to discuss things again soon.

 

I do think he needs a couple days though. If he doesn't come around again than he couldn't handle it. Live and learn.

[Jannah]

OP, you're obviously a very "feely" individual and I think you need someone, who can handle you.

 

But take a look at this thread. It's reached 300+ posts in the span of three days with 4,185 views.

 

Maybe go out for a nice brisk walk and let off some steam, otherwise, I am going to have to ask the mods to shut this thread down because just seeing it pop up as much as it has - is driving me crazy.

[SarcasticBlonde]

OP, you're obviously a very "feely" individual and I think you need someone, who can handle you.

 

But take a look at this thread. It's reached 300+ posts in the span of three days with 4,185 views.

 

Maybe go out for a nice brisk walk and let off some steam, otherwise, I am going to have to ask the mods to shut this thread down because just seeing it pop up as much as it has - is driving me crazy.

 

ask the mods to shut it down? isn't this forum for threads and talking?

[SarcasticBlonde]

OP, you're obviously a very "feely" individual and I think you need someone, who can handle you.

 

But take a look at this thread. It's reached 300+ posts in the span of three days with 4,185 views.

 

Maybe go out for a nice brisk walk and let off some steam, otherwise, I am going to have to ask the mods to shut this thread down because just seeing it pop up as much as it has - is driving me crazy.

 

how bout just not looking at it. There are some threads here I first wasn't interested in reading, so I guess what? I don't.

[zengirl]

I GET that, really I do. It just BOTHERS me that I'm supposed to just WAIT around. Like I'm disposable. I'm beginning to think that I don't know if I want to be with someone that can't tell me, even an inkling, how he feels about me

 

I don't think the idea is bad -- not knowing whether he's the guy for you -- but you're on Defcom 1 here, and I think that's where this all went wrong in the first place. Or maybe you just can't date guys like this one. Some people can handle all that overwhelmingly strong emotion and some can't, maybe. I'm not sure. I know I personally find getting this worked up counterproductive.

 

"Good" and "bad" feelings needs to be expressed, and it is productive to express them both.

 

Sure, but to say people don't like strong feelings is incorrect. People don't like strong, bad feelings. That's. . . true. Of almost everyone. Who's emotionally healthy. Now, that's not to say you shouldn't express sadness or anger or frustration when you feel it -- I agree that you should. What I'd point out is there are WAYS to do that which don't transfer strong, negative feelings to the other party (i.e. a way to bring up a need not being met that does not make the other party have a strong negative reaction). Which is kind of what you go on to say, so I think we agree.

 

I do think he needs a couple days though. If he doesn't come around again than he couldn't handle it. Live and learn.

 

Agreed, but I don't think that makes him a bad guy.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I don't think the idea is bad -- not knowing whether he's the guy for you -- but you're on Defcom 1 here, and I think that's where this all went wrong in the first place. Or maybe you just can't date guys like this one. Some people can handle all that overwhelmingly strong emotion and some can't, maybe. I'm not sure. I know I personally find getting this worked up counterproductive.

 

 

 

Sure, but to say people don't like strong feelings is incorrect. People don't like strong, bad feelings. That's. . . true. Of almost everyone. Who's emotionally healthy. Now, that's not to say you shouldn't express sadness or anger or frustration when you feel it -- I agree that you should. What I'd point out is there are WAYS to do that which don't transfer strong, negative feelings to the other party (i.e. a way to bring up a need not being met that does not make the other party have a strong negative reaction). Which is kind of what you go on to say, so I think we agree.

 

 

 

Agreed, but I don't think that makes him a bad guy.

 

Defcom 1???

[Ms. Joolie]

Which is kind of what you go on to say, so I think we agree.

 

Yes. I was only questioning whether or not "the most productive time to express strong feelings is when things are good" actually. I would say it's also most productive to express strong feelings when things are not so good. We don't want to batter people with emotion, but we need to express ourselves in such a way as to be heard.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I feel like I can't do anything right regarding this mess

[Ms. Joolie]

I feel like I can't do anything right regarding this mess

 

No worries. We are all here living and learning. Your guy here not excluded.

[zengirl]

Sorry, SarcasticBlond, Defcom 1 is like a level thing (it's all-out war on the military system). I realize that sounds a bit flippant on re-read, and I really didn't mean it. You just seem WAY emotional at the moment, to a point where it seems destructive and a hinderance to your own well-being. Which is not to say stop being sad, but maybe do something to help yourself cope and find some temporary peace.

 

Yes. I was only questioning whether or not "the most productive time to express strong feelings is when things are good" actually. I would say it's also most productive to express strong feelings when things are not so good. We don't want to batter people with emotion, but we need to express ourselves in such a way as to be heard.

 

By strong feelings, I meant emotionally intense feelings. I don't think expressing the bad feelings when they're still intense is productive. But I'm one of those back-away-and-process people, so the emotional posters may disagree with me.

[Nexus One]

I feel like I can't do anything right regarding this mess

 

That's partly our(collective forum members) fault. We present you with so many opinions and viewpoints, do this do that, etc. But that's what you get on a forum.

 

I agree with depplover_1980's viewpoint that you might need a break from the forum. Let things sink in. And let daily life take the upper hand again in order to get some fresh perspective. Kind of like a reset.

 

Otherwise you'll be playing this tape in your head over and over again, wearing yourself out.

[SarcasticBlonde]

That's partly our(collective forum members) fault. We present you with so many opinions and viewpoints, do this do that, etc. But that's what you get on a forum.

 

I agree with depplover_1980's viewpoint that you might need a break from the forum. Let things sink in. And let daily life take the upper hand again in order to get some fresh perspective. Kind of like a reset.

 

Otherwise you'll be playing this tape in your head over and over again, wearing yourself out.

 

 

I have a hard time talking about this stuff to family/friends, which is why I'm here.

[depplover_1980]

Yes but you are have gone full circle more than once now with it and for a while you saw your errors but now I am not convinced it has sunk in yet.

 

If you want to read helpful stuff, search for psych articles on 'how to survive a break up' so you know what you need to be mentally preparing in case. I would treat this as over and build on yourself and if he comes back then it will be a great surprise and you'll be of healthier mind.

[Jannah]

I have a hard time talking about this stuff to family/friends, which is why I'm here.

 

It might be more helpful for you to at least share your feelings and concerns with your family, you just spent the holidays with them, so its not like you aren't close with them. Besides, they've met your boyfriend, so it could really help to sort through your feelings by talking with them. If it can only help, then why not try to talk to those closest to you?

[SarcasticBlonde]

It might be more helpful for you to at least share your feelings and concerns with your family, you just spent the holidays with them, so its not like you aren't close with them. Besides, they've met your boyfriend, so it could really help to sort through your feelings by talking with them. If it can only help, then why not try to talk to those closest to you?

 

I just don't feel comfortable in this situation...mostly because all the screwing up I have done.

[Jannah]

I just don't feel comfortable in this situation...mostly because all the screwing up I have done.

 

That's what family is for.

 

You could at least try, I hope that you do.

[ConflictedGuy27]

...zengirl, I know I got swept up in your hot analysis' and professed sexy-time feelings for you earlier today, but I must confess, it's not working out between you & I.

 

I mean, you said some things, & so did I (...not necessarily to each other), and that was good; you know?

 

I'm just not sure you can be the woman I need in my life right now. plus, your bf & all... it's just... complicated; but that's what happens when LS posters move as fast as we did today.

 

it's better this way, zen; trust me. ...& we'll still be cool though; since we'll probably run into each other here & there (...on LS). hey, I may even quote you from time-to-time; but if I do, just know it's merely a friendly gesture, okay? try not to read into it, love.

 

let's just remember those few hours we shared today, okay? -- our hours.

[SarcasticBlonde]

That's what family is for.

 

You could at least try, I hope that you do.

 

I will when I'm ready. Its a lot easier to get beaten up by you guys than it is by friends-family

[OceanGirl]

Hugs SarcasticBlonde, I am really sorry that you are hurting.

 

I read most of the posts and thinker/feeler dynamic is present here to the extreme. I am a feeler myself and had many failed relationships with thinkers. I tend to react exactly like you do. But there is no greater turn off to a thinker than an emotional outburst.

 

Sure, you could have repressed your emotional nature and handled this differently HOWEVER sooner or later there would be another conflict and another outburst where you would forget to repress and it would cause similar outcome. What I am trying to say is that it's next to impossible to repress huge parts of yourself on consistent basis.

 

Having dated feelers too, you have no idea how much easier the communication with them is. They get your emotions, they respond with being emotionally open themselves. They don't get scared off by strong emotion. So all in all I think you have an inherent incompatibility (with your ex bf) that will leave both of you very frustrated if you were to get back together.

 

On another note, I think that apart from him not wanting to spend 3 days a week with you, you come across as intuitive and have probably picked up on some other small signs that his feelings may be fading. Even if this was done on an unconscious level. He was probably having some doubts about your relationship and then your outburst was the final nail in the coffin.

 

Right now the discrepancy of your feelings for each other is huge. That's why I think that any further texts even those where you try to come across as rational, or even worse those that say how much you care about him are actually counterproductive. They will only highlight the fact that he doesn't feel the same way at this point and this will push him further away.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Hugs SarcasticBlonde, I am really sorry that you are hurting.

 

I read most of the posts and thinker/feeler dynamic is present here to the extreme. I am a feeler myself and had many failed relationships with thinkers. I tend to react exactly like you do. But there is no greater turn off to a thinker than an emotional outburst.

 

Sure, you could have repressed your emotional nature and handled this differently HOWEVER sooner or later there would be another conflict and another outburst where you would forget to repress and it would cause similar outcome. What I am trying to say is that it's next to impossible to repress huge parts of yourself on consistent basis.

 

Having dated feelers too, you have no idea how much easier the communication with them is. They get your emotions, they respond with being emotionally open themselves. They don't get scared off by strong emotion. So all in all I think you have an inherent incompatibility (with your ex bf) that will leave both of you very frustrated if you were to get back together.

 

On another note, I think that apart from him not wanting to spend 3 days a week with you, you come across as intuitive and have probably picked up on some other small signs that his feelings may be fading. Even if this was done on an unconscious level. He was probably having some doubts about your relationship and then your outburst was the final nail in the coffin.

 

Right now the discrepancy of your feelings for each other is huge. That's why I think that any further texts even those where you try to come across as rational, or even worse those that say how much you care about him are actually counterproductive. They will only highlight the fact that he doesn't feel the same way at this point and this will push him further away.

 

thanks, you make several valid points. But I still have the same questions lingering. Why not just let me go? I'm not ready to do that and if there is any chance he wants to give it another go and I still feel the same I will try. IF I feel the same.

 

But why not just let me go?

[Jannah]

I will when I'm ready. Its a lot easier to get beaten up by you guys than it is by friends-family

 

That's more like it.

[SarcasticBlonde]

That's more like it.

 

Thanks :)