Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[SarcasticBlonde]

What are you in such a hurry for if I may ask? Do you feel a biological pressure to have a child before you're too old? Because that would explain the emphasis that you put on time and also the emphasis on the fact that you'd go looking for other men already 5 days after the breakup.

 

Or it could mean that you just want to experience a close loving relationship with a man, but which man that is doesn't necessarily matter to you, as long as the placeholder for your needs gets filled.

I'm not in a rush to go pick up other men.

But he told me we are not broken up. A time period was set up. I think its very unfair to keep me waiting past that, unless its communicated! I don't understand why people are against me moving on, mentally and emotionally after that. For myself I need for it to be expressed. I don't feel that I can "move on" without some kind of verbal communication. I'm not wanting him to say "I have decided, I don't want you" because like I said he can take all the time he wants but that doesn't mean I'm going to wait. Does anyone get this?

[depplover_1980]

I get it and strongly recommend you moving on, it's just you contradict yourself frequently by stamping your feet about how 'unfair' it all it etc. Fundamentally you must decide what is best for you while he is thinking regardless of what he wants now, you will also feel empowered for putting yourself first. I think you moving forward with your life is the greatest chance you have of winning him back.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm not in a rush to go pick up other men.

But he told me we are not broken up. A time period was set up. I think its very unfair to keep me waiting past that, unless its communicated! I don't understand why people are against me moving on, mentally and emotionally after that. For myself I need for it to be expressed. I don't feel that I can "move on" without some kind of verbal communication. I'm not wanting him to say "I have decided, I don't want you" because like I said he can take all the time he wants but that doesn't mean I'm going to wait. Does anyone get this?

 

I don't recall reading that you had explicitly agreed to one week. I thought you had pressed him for a timeline and he resisted it?

 

Has he actually told you "yes,SarcasticBlonde, by X day and time, I will call you with my decision."

 

Listen, I've been through this myself. It does suck. But breaks SO RARELY lead to a healthy rekindling in which the issues that led to the break are healthily resolved to both peoples' satisfaction that I firmly believe it is in your best interest to just treat it as over, regardless of him saying he still thinks you're together.

 

(It's not fair, but more likely than not, that's him buying time. My 6-years-ago guy didn't want the break either - it came unexpectedly and he probably was not prepared to make a final decision about our relationship right then and there - but a few weeks later he decided he wanted the break to be a break UP.)

[SarcasticBlonde]

I get it and strongly recommend you moving on, it's just you contradict yourself frequently by stamping your feet about how 'unfair' it all it etc. Fundamentally you must decide what is best for you while he is thinking regardless of what he wants now, you will also feel empowered for putting yourself first. I think you moving forward with your life is the greatest chance you have of winning him back.

 

 

ok so again, it needs to be communicated from ONE of us. I would hope he has enough respect for me to contact me within this time period we agreed to, to let me know SOMETHING. And what I'm saying is if he doesn't I feel I have to.

[Jazzari]

I'm not in a rush to go pick up other men.

But he told me we are not broken up. A time period was set up. I think its very unfair to keep me waiting past that, unless its communicated! I don't understand why people are against me moving on, mentally and emotionally after that. For myself I need for it to be expressed. I don't feel that I can "move on" without some kind of verbal communication. I'm not wanting him to say "I have decided, I don't want you" because like I said he can take all the time he wants but that doesn't mean I'm going to wait. Does anyone get this?

What I don't understand is why you seem to be convinced that it's over? The guy wants to think and made it clear that he wants to be together while doing so. So obviously you are important to him. You may very well be able to work something out.

 

Once you have discussed the issue with him, then you can move on if that's the way it goes. I think you need to concentrate on ways to compromise or come up with a solution. Not worry about packing just yet.

[Jazzari]

ok so again, it needs to be communicated from ONE of us. I would hope he has enough respect for me to contact me within this time period we agreed to, to let me know SOMETHING. And what I'm saying is if he doesn't I feel I have to.

I agree with this. You shouldn't walk without one last discussion making your positions clear.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I don't recall reading that you had explicitly agreed to one week. I thought you had pressed him for a timeline and he resisted it?

 

Has he actually told you "yes,SarcasticBlonde, by X day and time, I will call you with my decision."

 

 

(

 

 

Yes, he told me 1 week.

[Nexus One]

I'm not in a rush to go pick up other men.

But he told me we are not broken up. A time period was set up. I think its very unfair to keep me waiting past that, unless its communicated! I don't understand why people are against me moving on, mentally and emotionally after that. For myself I need for it to be expressed. I don't feel that I can "move on" without some kind of verbal communication. I'm not wanting him to say "I have decided, I don't want you" because like I said he can take all the time he wants but that doesn't mean I'm going to wait. Does anyone get this?

 

No I don't get it, because I don't understand the rush or the fact that you're pressing so hard on the agreed time he takes to think things over. You love him you said? What's one week then to you, even 3 weeks?

 

Don't get me wrong, if someone I liked needed time to "think things over" I would be worried too, because the situation of someone doubting their love for you is a motherf*cker if you yourself want to give a 100%.

 

I don't understand why people are against me moving on

 

I don't think anyone is against that. It's just remarkable that you say you can move on so quickly after having said how much you love him. It gives us the idea you just have a placeholder for your needs and any guy would do filling that space.

Edited January 21, 2011 by Nexus One

[SarcasticBlonde]

I agree with this. You shouldn't walk without one last discussion making your positions clear.

 

 

I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

[SarcasticBlonde]

No I don't get it, because I don't understand the rush or the fact that you're pressing so hard on the agreed time he takes to think things over. You love him you said? What's one week then to you, even 3 weeks?

 

Don't get me wrong, if someone I liked needed time to "think things over" I would be worried too, because the situation of someone doubting their love for you is a motherf*cker if you yourself want to give a 100%.

 

 

 

I don't think anyone is against that. It's just remarkable that you say you can move on so quickly after having said how much you love him. It gives us the idea you just have a placeholder for your needs and any guy would do filling that space.

 

First of all, yes I adore him. Second, ANY guy won't do, I don't date ANY guy.

 

I just think its important that HE knows I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him to take his sweet time and decide if I'm worthy or not. IF he decides he still needs more time to think past what we agreed to, he should communicate that to me, and than I can decide if I want to wait around any longer. If he doesn't communicate that, I will be the one to make communication to follow up.

[SarcasticBlonde]

What I don't understand is why you seem to be convinced that it's over? The guy wants to think and made it clear that he wants to be together while doing so. So obviously you are important to him. You may very well be able to work something out.

 

Once you have discussed the issue with him, then you can move on if that's the way it goes. I think you need to concentrate on ways to compromise or come up with a solution. Not worry about packing just yet.

 

I'm not convinced but I'm trying to be realistic. The odds are not in my favor, as most here have stated.

 

I'm respecting the time period he suggested. No calls, textes, initiated by me. After that I think communication should be made.

[sunshinegirl]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

 

Well, I can say that I am counseling strongly against contact in part because of the specific dynamics of your situation: you've been pushing and pushing him, he has called you clingy, he has asked for space, he is confused... so you contacting him with "so? have you decided? do you want me or not?" is just more of the same.

 

If you don't like the dynamic that led to this situation, then you need to also consider changing YOUR part of that dynamic, and that means recognizing that your eagerness to contact him now is part of that very same dynamic, regardless of the fact that limbo sucks.

 

Give him the CHANCE to pursue/chase you, and be the guy you said in your very first post that you want him to be. Surprise him with silence! (Which will actually be you deciding to move forward with your life.)

[SarcasticBlonde]

Well, I can say that I am counseling strongly against contact in part because of the specific dynamics of your situation: you've been pushing and pushing him, he has called you clingy, he has asked for space, he is confused... so you contacting him with "so? have you decided? do you want me or not?" is just more of the same.

 

If you don't like the dynamic that led to this situation, then you need to also consider changing YOUR part of that dynamic, and that means recognizing that your eagerness to contact him now is part of that very same dynamic, regardless of the fact that limbo sucks.

 

Give him the CHANCE to pursue/chase you, and be the guy you said in your very first post that you want him to be. Surprise him with silence! (Which will actually be you deciding to move forward with your life.)

 

How is it pushing, if he doesn't contact me within the time WE agreed to? Pushing would be me calling today, or tomorrow. Not after the time period is up.

[Nexus One]

I just think its important that HE knows I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him to take his sweet time

 

Sorry, that made me laugh a bit. Woman get off your high horse and quit playing mind games. So then he knows, then what, as if that very fact accomplishes any goal.

 

IF he decides he still needs more time to think past what we agreed to, he should communicate that to me, and than I can decide if I want to wait around any longer

 

Fair enough.

 

If he doesn't communicate that, I will be the one to make communication to follow up.

 

Fair from your standpoint, but you'd risk losing him by pressuring him. Perhaps if he decides on his own he could come to a positive conclusion. Men sometimes turn around after a while, but usually only if it was THEY THEMSELVES who made up their mind. If they sense pressure, the reaction is fear. The fear for craziness lurking below the surface. The fear that a psycho b*tch will emerge.

 

Haha sorry, I'm having a little fun here too, don't take those last 2 lines too seriously. Although...?

Edited January 21, 2011 by Nexus One

[depplover_1980]

Well, I can say that I am counseling strongly against contact in part because of the specific dynamics of your situation: you've been pushing and pushing him, he has called you clingy, he has asked for space, he is confused... so you contacting him with "so? have you decided? do you want me or not?" is just more of the same.

 

If you don't like the dynamic that led to this situation, then you need to also consider changing YOUR part of that dynamic, and that means recognizing that your eagerness to contact him now is part of that very same dynamic, regardless of the fact that limbo sucks.

 

Give him the CHANCE to pursue/chase you, and be the guy you said in your very first post that you want him to be. Surprise him with silence! (Which will actually be you deciding to move forward with your life.)

 

This along with what Nexus is saying is in the words of Simon Cowell 'bang on the money'!!

[sunshinegirl]

How is it pushing, if he doesn't contact me within the time WE agreed to? Pushing would be me calling today, or tomorrow. Not after the time period is up.

 

Two reasons:

• Because you initiating is part of an overall pattern that hasn't worked so far for you; and,
  
• Because if he doesn't contact you when you agreed to, it means he is still confused and therefore your contacting him will be experienced by him as you pushing.
  

 

I think at this stage I'm going to bow out of this thread, as I am getting repetitive. I hope some of what I've said sinks in. Good luck, however things go.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Sorry, that made me laugh a bit. Woman get off your high horse and quit playing mind games. So then he knows, then what, as if that very fact accomplishes any goal.

 

 

 

Fair enough.

 

 

 

Fair from your standpoint, but you'd risk losing him by pressuring him. Perhaps if he decides on his own he could come to a positive conclusion. Men sometimes turn around after a while, but usually only if it was THEY THEMSELVES who made up their mind. If they sense pressure, the reaction is fear. The fear for craziness lurking below the surface. The fear that a psycho b*tch will emerge.

 

Haha sorry, I'm having a little fun here too, don't take those last 2 lines too seriously. Although...?

 

No, its fine. This whole situation has brought out a side I'm not of myself I'm not comfortable with. I have been dumped before, but it was straight forward "its over". There was no waiting, no " I need to think about things" Being in limbo sucks, and its something I'm not accustomed to.

 

I think its very fair on my part, to make contact if he doesn't within the time we agreed. I guess I should assume if he doesn't make contact after a week or whatever that he hasn't made up his mind.

 

He can tell me what he tells me at that point. Hopefully based off his feelings, not because I made one phone call to follow up.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Two reasons:

• Because you initiating is part of an overall pattern that hasn't worked so far for you; and,
  
• Because if he doesn't contact you when you agreed to, it means he is still confused and therefore your contacting him will be experienced by him as you pushing.
  

 

I think at this stage I'm going to bow out of this thread, as I am getting repetitive. I hope some of what I've said sinks in. Good luck, however things go.

 

I'm taking in everything you are saying. Thanks for the advice.

[SarcasticBlonde]

This along with what Nexus is saying is in the words of Simon Cowell 'bang on the money'!!

 

OK so out of curiosity, what amount of time do YOU think is enough? 3 weeks, a month?

[depplover_1980]

I think if he hasn't got in contact with you within 2 weeks, then assume it is over and move on with your life for the following reasons:

 

1. You only dated for 3 months anyway, so a couple of weeks is adequate time for him to decide whether he wants that to continue

 

and

 

2. He knows you are suffering waiting for him, so any longer than 2 weeks to get in touch to even give you a clue shows he doesn't really care about your feelings anymore.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I think if he hasn't got in contact with you within 2 weeks, then assume it is over and move on with your life for the following reasons:

 

1. You only dated for 3 months anyway, so a couple of weeks is adequate time for him to decide whether he wants that to continue

 

and

 

2. He knows you are suffering waiting for him, so any longer than 2 weeks to get in touch to even give you a clue shows he doesn't really care about your feelings anymore.

 

Thanks for your opinion.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think if he hasn't got in contact with you within 2 weeks, then assume it is over and move on with your life for the following reasons:

 

1. You only dated for 3 months anyway, so a couple of weeks is adequate time for him to decide whether he wants that to continue

 

and

 

2. He knows you are suffering waiting for him, so any longer than 2 weeks to get in touch to even give you a clue shows he doesn't really care about your feelings anymore.

 

I agree 100%. Even though it's "fair" that you get your answer within the time agreed upon, I believe, with the relationship history and your personality (which you've shown us clearly on this thread ... and I'm sure this is played out with relationships):

 

IF you contact him for his answer, whether it's in 5 days, a week, 3 weeks, a month - and NOT saying you would be "wrong" for contacting him - I believe that your relationship with him will be either on its last painful legs, or over.

 

Right or wrong, you've brought things to a point where the best possible way you can demonstrate that you are not a clingy prodder is to just leave it alone.

 

And that is the BEST way to show him that you ARE going on with your life.

 

As I have said before, just like at the very beginning of this thread, you are possibly not compatible because of your need for attention being much higher than what he is able / willing to provide. This does not make you or him "bad" or wrong.

 

Okay. I SWEAR I am not going to participate in this anymore. It's reached the absurdity stage.

[depplover_1980]

I agree 100%. Even though it's "fair" that you get your answer within the time agreed upon, I believe, with the relationship history and your personality (which you've shown us clearly on this thread ... and I'm sure this is played out with relationships):

 

IF you contact him for his answer, whether it's in 5 days, a week, 3 weeks, a month - and NOT saying you would be "wrong" for contacting him - I believe that your relationship with him will be either on its last painful legs, or over.

 

Right or wrong, you've brought things to a point where the best possible way you can demonstrate that you are not a clingy prodder is to just leave it alone.

 

And that is the BEST way to show him that you ARE going on with your life.

 

As I have said before, just like at the very beginning of this thread, you are possibly not compatible because of your need for attention being much higher than what he is able / willing to provide. This does not make you or him "bad" or wrong.

 

Okay. I SWEAR I am not going to participate in this anymore. It's reached the absurdity stage.

 

You not going to make your 1000th post on this topic??

[SarcasticBlonde]

You not going to make your 1000th post on this topic??

 

 

If people don't want to post, THAN DON'T! wtf. Don't post to say your not going to post.

[depplover_1980]

Lol. Don't shoot the messenger!