Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[Jannah]

I don't think is the deal.

 

I think it's possible that you and your bf have different needs when it comes to time together. Perhaps he is an introvert who needs more alone time, while you are an extrovert who receives affirmation of the importance of the relationship by the amount of time you spend together. Neither perspective is right or wrong, but it's possible you don't match up.

 

FWIW, I would also be comfortable seeing someone twice a week, especially at the 3-month mark and when there was a 1-hour drive involved. This would not mean that I wasn't into him, but that I like to have time for me as well as time for other friends and interests.

 

This pretty much correlates to my thoughts on the matter. I feel at the three month mark, and given both their schedules and the driving distance, 2x per week is a good pace and fairly reasonable. There doesn't appear to be large gaps of time in between spending time together, they are bf/gf, I think OP may have been feeling vulnerable and rejected by his casual comments in response to her assertion of wanting to spend more time with him.

[SarcasticBlonde]

This pretty much correlates to my thoughts on the matter. I feel at the three month mark, and given both their schedules and the driving distance, 2x per week is a good pace and fairly reasonable. There doesn't appear to be large gaps of time in between spending time together, they are bf/gf, I think OP may have been feeling vulnerable and rejected by his casual comments in response to her assertion of wanting to spend more time with him.

 

I felt his response was cold. He didn't seem to put much thought into my feelings. It was all about him and what works for him. Yes it does hurt because I'm crazy about him. I usually hear from him every night but tonight I decided it would be better off we didn't talk. Even though we had a good night last night, I'm still upset. So I just texted him and told him it wasn't necessary he call me tonight, he didn't respond. I take it he either fell asleep or he didn't like that I don't wanna talk.

[DuckFan]

Even though we had a good night last night, I'm still upset. So I just texted him and told him it wasn't necessary he call me tonight, he didn't respond.

 

Therein lies your problem. If you are upset, does lack of communication actually seem logical? You should actually try talking to him about it more. In my experience the biggest relationship issue women have is lack of meaningful communication. Men are not mind readers and some do not pick up on subtle innuendo. Say what you mean and explain yourself fully, do not expect him to know what is going on inside your head.

[Jannah]

Therein lies your problem. If you are upset, does lack of communication actually seem logical? You should actually try talking to him about it more. In my experience the biggest relationship issue women have is lack of meaningful communication. Men are not mind readers and some do not pick up on subtle innuendo. Say what you mean and explain yourself fully, do not expect him to know what is going on inside your head.

 

She did, reread her first post.

[Nexus One]

I felt his response was cold. He didn't seem to put much thought into my feelings. It was all about him and what works for him. Yes it does hurt because I'm crazy about him.

 

He's a man and on top of that he's an engineer. They think in terms of "what works". It's their nature. If you feel hurt by that you might have interpreted that in the wrong way.

 

So I just texted him and told him it wasn't necessary he call me tonight, he didn't respond. I take it he either fell asleep or he didn't like that I don't wanna talk.

 

Don't be surprised if he gets the wrong idea. And with that I mean that he'll start to think you really do not want to talk to him and are gravitating away from him, while in truth you want him to come at you. I'm not surprised he didn't text back. The poor guy is probably confused as hell right now and a little irritated.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Therein lies your problem. If you are upset, does lack of communication actually seem logical? You should actually try talking to him about it more. In my experience the biggest relationship issue women have is lack of meaningful communication. Men are not mind readers and some do not pick up on subtle innuendo. Say what you mean and explain yourself fully, do not expect him to know what is going on inside your head.

 

He said I was becoming clingy because I want to spend more time together. And I really don't want to say something I regret being I'm still pissed off. So I'm now stepping back, if he feels I'm clingy and since he doesn't put in the effort I'm not going to be as available.

[DuckFan]

Availability and communication are two entirely separate things. Say something you'll regret? You should say how you feel and be completely honest. A problem with communication in a relationship is that sometimes the parties involved do not say what is on their minds and are not completely honest with one another. If you are in a relationship that is going to last then you should never have to "edit" or be reserved in what you say. Granted, there is a difference between being honest and being down right nasty...however, being an adult with a brain should suffice in keeping those separated.

[Nexus One]

He said I was becoming clingy because I want to spend more time together.

 

I kind of got the same idea from your post/replies.

 

So I'm now stepping back, if he feels I'm clingy and since he doesn't put in the effort I'm not going to be as available.

 

I really wonder if he will make the mental connection between him telling you were becoming clingy and you now telling him you do not want to talk. You're expecting him to read between the lines of your actions. I can tell you that men do not do that when it comes to women.

 

For men: you do not want to talk him = you do not want to talk him.

 

For women: you do not want to talk to him = you want him to come after you.

 

Men's response: http://i.imgur.com/RcI4s.jpg

[DuckFan]

 

For men: you do not want to talk him = you do not want to talk him.

 

 

Amen, and more women need to realize that.

[sweet sugar]

I do think it is wise to pull back at this point. He should be initiating get-togethers. Don't initiate anymore when you are getting together. Because if he doesn't ask you to go out on a date, then he is showing he doesn't want to go out.

See how long it takes him to go out on a date.

 

Oh and him getting voicemail once in a while won't kill him. Might make him think a bit. Don't tell him not to call you though, just let it go to voicemail.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I kind of got the same idea from your post/replies.

 

 

 

I really wonder if he will make the mental connection between him telling you were becoming clingy and you now telling him you do not want to talk. You're expecting him to read between the lines of your actions. I can tell you that men do not do that when it comes to women.

 

For men: you do not want to talk him = you do not want to talk him.

 

For women: you do not want to talk to him = you want him to come after you.

 

Men's response: http://i.imgur.com/RcI4s.jpg

 

Well when and if he does notice I'm not as convenient I will be honest and tell him how he made me feel for the second time and that I'm giving him his space.

[DuckFan]

I do think it is wise to pull back at this point. He should be initiating get-togethers. Don't initiate anymore when you are getting together. Because if he doesn't ask you to go out on a date, then he is showing he doesn't want to go out.

See how long it takes him to go out on a date.

 

Oh and him getting voicemail once in a while won't kill him. Might make him think a bit.

 

I agree with you up to a point.

 

Pull back and don't "kill yourself" trying to spend time with him. Never feel obligated to pick up every time he calls, you have a life too. Do not allow your life to revolve around his and do not make him the center of your life. In short spend time with other people as well, go out without him, enjoy life, and have fun. The only caveat I will interject is this: he needs to at least fully understand how you feel and you need to ask him how he really feels about it and be totally honest with each other. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. A relationship is a partnership with compromise, not a one way street where one person follows the other like a dog on a leash.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I do think it is wise to pull back at this point. He should be initiating get-togethers. Don't initiate anymore when you are getting together. Because if he doesn't ask you to go out on a date, then he is showing he doesn't want to go out.

See how long it takes him to go out on a date.

 

Oh and him getting voicemail once in a while won't kill him. Might make him think a bit. Don't tell him not to call you though, just let it go to voicemail.

 

I felt letting him know I wasn't up for talking would be best this time around. I'm def letting him take the lead for now.

[Chocolat]

Don't be surprised if he gets the wrong idea. And with that I mean that he'll start to think you really do not want to talk to him and are gravitating away from him, while in truth you want him to come at you. I'm not surprised he didn't text back. The poor guy is probably confused as hell right now and a little irritated.

 

Exactly. You stated you wanted to see him more and he presented his pov. You didn't accept, and escalated with emotion/tears. He then agreed to spend more time with you. Your response to that is to.... tell him you don't want to talk! He can't win! Yes, I'd say he is confused as hell and maybe even more than a little irritated!

[Chocolat]

Well when and if he does notice I'm not as convenient I will be honest and tell him how he made me feel for the second time and that I'm giving him his space.

 

This is a game. If he starts playing a similar game you will be at a stand-off. Think carefully about what you want and the best way to achieve it. How would you react if you said/did something that didn't please your bf and he responded by becoming unavailable? Would you be willing to chase him?

 

Communication is essential to a relationship.

[SarcasticBlonde]

This is a game. If he starts playing a similar game you will be at a stand-off. Think carefully about what you want and the best way to achieve it. How would you react if you said/did something that didn't please your bf and he responded by becoming unavailable? Would you be willing to chase him?

 

Communication is essential to a relationship.[/quoteI

 

He said I was being clingy by wanting to spend more time together and than when I expressed being disappointed, he said we could spend more time together. I was upset that he felt I was being clingy when I thought just the opposite. We don't see each other too much and I have an outside life with work, school, friends and family.

 

Than when he said we would spend more time after all the other stuff he said to me, now doesn't feel genuine. So I will give him his space, based on what he told me about being clingy. So no I'm not playing a game.

Edited January 17, 2011 by SarcasticBlonde

[Chocolat]

He said I was being clingy by wanting to spend more time together and than when I expressed being disappointed, he said we could spend more time together. I was upset that he felt I was being clingy when I thought just the opposite. We don't see each other too much and I have an outside life with work, school, friends and family.

 

Than when he said we would spend more time after all the other stuff he said to me, now doesn't feel genuine. So I will give him his space, based on what he told me about being clingy. So no I'm not playing a game.

 

I suspect he sees it as a game. Here's why: He has no idea why you are pulling back.

• You surfaced an issue
  
• It was discussed
  
• You did not agree
  
• He yielded to your desires
  
• You shut down/closed him out
  

How the heck is he supposed to know that, when he acceded to your wishes, he did not do so with enough gusto so you are now punishing him by withdrawing?

 

I know you are going to say you are not punishing him. Ask yourself how you would react if your bf suddenly withdrew from you and did not explain why. Would you perceive this as a mature response? A warranted one?

 

If you truly believe that reducing contact is the solution to your disparate perspectives, then tell him this in a mature way.

[Nexus One]

I suspect he sees it as a game. Here's why: He has no idea why you are pulling back.

 

Exactly.

 

Men are not psychic, they are not able to read your mind and they will not read between the lines. Men's minds do not work like that. Like I mentioned before, when it comes to women we understand only clear and direct tactful language. Anything else is alchemy or voodoo to us, we will not understand it.

 

This is not because men are retards, but they simply want to know things for sure, so they only look for the most obvious signs. They use that as evidence.

So if you say you don't want to talk to him, then it's likely he will use that as a sign and evidence that you actually DO NOT want to talk to him. Because if a woman says: I do not want to talk to you. Then that's pretty clear and direct language and we WILL most likely take it literally. We will think that it is your wish and then respect it.

Edited January 17, 2011 by Nexus One

[SarcasticBlonde]

I suspect he sees it as a game. Here's why: He has no idea why you are pulling back.

• You surfaced an issue
  
• It was discussed
  
• You did not agree
  
• He yielded to your desires
  
• You shut down/closed him out
  

How the heck is he supposed to know that, when he acceded to your wishes, he did not do so with enough gusto so you are now punishing him by withdrawing?

 

I know you are going to say you are not punishing him. Ask yourself how you would react if your bf suddenly withdrew from you and did not explain why. Would you perceive this as a mature response? A warranted one?

 

If you truly believe that reducing contact is the solution to your disparate perspectives, then tell him this in a mature way.

 

I did tell him that I was not going to initiate seeing him because I would like him to step up and be proactive to see me. So he knows what's up. I'm not going to spoon feed to a grown man how he should want to see his girlfriend. So I think I will soon find out how much he cares or lack thereof.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Exactly.

 

Men are not psychic, they are not able to read your mind and they will not read between the lines. Men's minds do not work like that. Like I mentioned before, when it comes to women we understand only clear and direct tactful language. Anything else is alchemy or voodoo to us, we will not understand it.

 

This is not because men are retards, but they simply want to know things for sure, so they only look for the most obvious signs. They use that as evidence.

So if you say you don't want to talk to him, then it's likely he will use that as a sign and evidence that you actually DO NOT want to talk to him. Because if a woman says: I do not want to talk to you. Then that's pretty clear and direct language and we WILL most likely take it literally. We will think that it is your wish and then respect it.

 

I guess men see this pull back very differently. Like I said I told him how I feel, so he knows. I'm not spoon feeding him.

[Madgick1]

You are setting him up for a test and it's going to end up badly.

 

Tell him you take his complaint about you being clingy seriously, therefore you are going to let him initiate contact both via phone and in person. You are happy to talk to him and see him, but you are not going to intiate for a while--until he feels certain that you are not clingy.

 

Tell him also that you take his promise to see you more often seriously, and expect him to arrange that more.

 

If you use those clear words and expectations, he knows where you stand and what's going on. If you don't tell him why you are pulling back he will think you are game playing.

[SarcasticBlonde]

You are setting him up for a test and it's going to end up badly.

 

Tell him you take his complaint about you being clingy seriously, therefore you are going to let him initiate contact both via phone and in person. You are happy to talk to him and see him, but you are not going to intiate for a while--until he feels certain that you are not clingy.

 

Tell him also that you take his promise to see you more often seriously, and expect him to arrange that more.

 

If you use those clear words and expectations, he knows where you stand and what's going on. If you don't tell him why you are pulling back he will think you are game playing.

 

 

I did tell him all of this. I told him I meant it. So if he decides I wasn't serious, he's in for a rude awakening.

[Jannah]

OP - I realize the two of you have been together for a short period of time, but, when you do spend time together, what does it consist of?

 

What are some of the other ways, he shows he cares about you?

 

I know we as women tend to zone in on certain things, rather than looking at the big picture. So, maybe if you put some thought into the other things (such as the questions I listed above) it may help you to see things from a different perspective.

 

Here's the thing. He said he was comfortable with seeing you 2x per week.

 

It's not fair to him, if you push him at this point, for more than that. At this juncture, you are going to have to suck it up and respect his wishes, respect what he is comfortable with. This is why it is important, to pace your own feelings in terms of emotional attachment. So, maybe try focusing on that instead. I think some of the male posters also gave some good advice as well.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Sometimes, in situations like yours, I think it's best to just forget about the other person for a moment and think about just yourself and what you need / want.

 

Do you think you CAN get your needs met with this guy, in this relationship?

 

If so, are you able and willing to compromise on what your needs and wants are, without giving up your core values about the relationship you want for yourself? ALSO, without building a resentment towards the other person? Because I think that will be necessary.

 

I strongly resist the popular approach here on LS where somebody confidently states "men / women are (fill in the blank)." I do think, though, that a serious general conflict between the genders often comes via a woman's desire for a man to anticipate what she'd like and not need to be "spoon fed," and a man's permanent and oblivious disconnect from any such concept.

 

Seems like you happen to be with a man whom you'll need to tell, clearly, what you want, need and expect. I mean, you'll have to spoon feed.

 

I would suggest that when you are, to include your expectation that he REMEMBER what you've told him is important to you so you don't have to go over it again. Then you are perceived as "nagging" which is also a dead end.

 

I agree that it would be much more pleasing for ones boyfriend or husband to show initiative and intuition in meeting a woman's needs. But even though clearly communicating and working out things that would be more romantic if they came more "organically" is counterintuitive to many of us, if the man on the receiving end is genuinely interested in our happiness (and is also getting his own needs in the relationship met, of course), he will take on this "challenge" and make it his own. After some time passes, if the relationship is kept fresh and respectful, he will be fulfilling what you asked of him in a way that seems natural.

 

We hope!

[SarcasticBlonde]

I find twice a week is a lot if Im a busy man. Also an hour drive is indeed quite discouraging and he probably feels bad if you have to drive to see him all the time.

 

I'm busy as well but I make the time. I'm actually a little busier than he is. And it wasn't really a "busy" issue for him. But if he wants me to be happy and cares to keep me around I think he can make more time for me. If he doesn't care, than he won't. And no I def won't be the only one driving.