Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[Ms. Joolie]

Wow, SarcasticBlonde, I hear you loud and clear! I have been struggling in that space for MONTHS with my boyfriend. Can you imagine that?

 

If you hold on to this upset, down the line you will be very unhappy. This is a communication that your boyfriend needs to get now, and it has to be resolved now.

 

For myself, I didn't share effectively what I was going through with the boyfriend and it never got resolved. I was feeling a lot of resentment. I was feeling unloved and neglected. It was awful. It wasn't until I started talking to another guy that was really, really paying attention to me that I woke up.

 

I was also seeing my boyfriend 2 times a week because of schedules and distance. It sucks. It isn't worth it to be in love with someone so much, keep your distance, and call that enough. You and I want and expect more than that.

 

Don't blame your boyfriend for any of this. If you want, you can blame the distance. What's most important is that you two work this out so that you are both satisfied. You've got to choose what is going to cause you to be fulfilled, even if you have to give up some things.

[SarcasticBlonde]

OP - I realize the two of you have been together for a short period of time, but, when you do spend time together, what does it consist of?

 

What are some of the other ways, he shows he cares about you?

 

I know we as women tend to zone in on certain things, rather than looking at the big picture. So, maybe if you put some thought into the other things (such as the questions I listed above) it may help you to see things from a different perspective.

 

Here's the thing. He said he was comfortable with seeing you 2x per week.

 

It's not fair to him, if you push him at this point, for more than that. At this juncture, you are going to have to suck it up and respect his wishes, respect what he is comfortable with. This is why it is important, to pace your own feelings in terms of emotional attachment. So, maybe try focusing on that instead. I think some of the male posters also gave some good advice as well.

 

I don't think I have to suck up anything. I'm looking out for me and what makes me happy. I have done enough as far as settling for less when it comes to men. I'm older now and I know what I want and what I deserve. So if he's not willing to give it to me than I will find someone that will.

[ConflictedGuy27]

OP, you're behaiving like a spoiled brat, IMO.

 

who cares if 2 - 3 days a week is all he's comfortable giving, right? damn him because you want more.

 

and when he actually communicates his boundary to you, and you don't like it, WHAM you bust out the tears and force it.

 

that feeling you've been having, you know, the nagging one? it's guilt. you feel guilty for forcing him to accommodate you for the sake of his own comfort. it's childish really.

 

you're 30 so you should have already learned this lesson - enjoy the time your given with those you've got. it's really that simple. he's giving you 2 - 3 out of 7 days of his schedule and all you want is what you want.

 

well, if you want that so badly, you should just break up and go find it; instead of trying to change him so you'll FEEL like you're loved.

 

2 - 3 days a week may be sufficient for him to feel like he's in love with you, but clearly you're more concerned with you. if YOU don't feel love, it must not be there, right?

 

I'd bet this one won't last. you being as pushy as you are may cause him to actually pull away even more.

[ConflictedGuy27]

...I'm older now and I know what I want and what I deserve.

 

you deserve to get dumped.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I'm busy as well but I make the time. I'm actually a little busier than he is. And it wasn't really a "busy" issue for him. But if he wants me to be happy and cares to keep me around I think he can make more time for me. If he doesn't care, than he won't. And no I def won't be the only one driving.

 

this is your problem. you don't even appreciate the differences in how you two prioritize your time...

 

just because he has free time, DOES NOT mean he ins't busy... are you an engineer? do you work his job? do you know how much down time is sufficient for him to feel rested and ready for another week on the job?? do you know your actual role in his life??

 

I'd suspect you don't know the answers to any of those questions, because you're "actually a little busier than he is..." not necessarily, toots...

 

you're such a child. 30? you seem more like 24 to me...

 

if it's not a match, don't play games. communicate that and act on it, you know, like grown ups do.

[fishtaco]

I don't think I have to suck up anything. I'm looking out for me and what makes me happy. I have done enough as far as settling for less when it comes to men. I'm older now and I know what I want and what I deserve. So if he's not willing to give it to me than I will find someone that will.

 

Well, I say the right thing to do is to:

- Communicate your intention - spend more time together. You did that, sounds like not in a tactful way. If you did he wouldn't have gotten defensive. But the message is out, he knows.

 

- Stay the same, i.e. no passive-aggressive behaviors like not answering calls. Passive-aggressive behaviors only cause damage, never solves anything. No mind games like making him come after you, that's for dating, you are already passed that. Dating games don't work in relationships.

 

- Give him time to make the adjustment. How do you deal with adult professionals? You let them know what is needed, then you leave them alone to accomplish what you asked for. So maybe you should treat him like an adult.

 

- If he changes, congrats! Onward to the next issue.

 

- If he doesn't change, then that's a red flag. You can talk to him about it again, give him ultimatum, cut him off if that's enough of a red flag to be a deal breaker. Up to you. But if you care about this relationship, you should give him a chance to prove either he cares or he doesn't, as opposed to just jump the gun because he didn't say how high when you said jump.

 

Three months is a short time. You are both still adjusting to each other. You can't expect a perfect fit. That is if you even care about the relationship.

 

But if you care only about what the queen wants, then maybe the queen should just dump him and go find the next subject. I'm sure you are more than capable.

[SarcasticBlonde]

you deserve to get dumped.

 

You are entitled to your opinion. I'm done settling. Period.

[Chocolat]

I did tell him that I was not going to initiate seeing him because I would like him to step up and be proactive to see me. So he knows what's up. I'm not going to spoon feed to a grown man how he should want to see his girlfriend. So I think I will soon find out how much he cares or lack thereof.

 

What you told him is not the same as what you've done. You told him you won't initiate. But what you've done is tell him not to bother contacting you at all.

 

It seems that what you want is for him to have some epiphany where he realises he can't live without you and that seeing you 4 or 5 times a week is what he wants... no, needs! Absent this, you will conclude that he is a baby who needs spoon feeding and/or that he does not care about you.

 

I think you will make your prediction come true with this behavior, but I do not think it has to be this way.

[fishtaco]

You are entitled to your opinion. I'm done settling. Period.

 

I've made that same mistake with a woman before. The ordeal made me change my thinking process. But it was too late. I lost her.

 

But you have to do what you have to do.

 

Good luck.

[ConflictedGuy27]

...I'm done settling. Period.

 

funny. it seems more like you're not willing to compromise. Period.

 

settling and compromise are not the same. grow up.

[SarcasticBlonde]

What you told him is not the same as what you've done. You told him you won't initiate. But what you've done is tell him not to bother contacting you at all.

 

It seems that what you want is for him to have some epiphany where he realises he can't live without you and that seeing you 4 or 5 times a week is what he wants... no, needs! Absent this, you will conclude that he is a baby who needs spoon feeding and/or that he does not care about you.

 

I think you will make your prediction come true with this behavior, but I do not think it has to be this way.

 

I didn't tell him not to contact me. I'm just giving him his space and not being clingy. And no I don't expect him to have an "awakening" and that things will suddenly be peachy.

[Jannah]

OP, I presented some questions which went unanswered, but I think they could be of value.

 

When you do spend time together, what does it consist of?

 

What are some of the other ways, he shows he cares about you?

 

I am also curious to know how often you saw each other in the beginning - before you became bf/gf.

 

I think it would be of benefit for you if you look at the big picture, versus being so fixated on "seeing each other more than 2 times per week".

[Chocolat]

I didn't tell him not to contact me. I'm just giving him his space and not being clingy. And no I don't expect him to have an "awakening" and that things will suddenly be peachy.

 

Hmmmm.... That's not what you've said.

 

So I just texted him and told him it wasn't necessary he call me tonight, he didn't respond.

 

He calls me every night and tonight I figure maybe I will just let the call go to voice mail.

 

I told him how I feel but I'm not sure that will be enough to make him jump into action.

 

Anyway, it's clearly your choice, but I do think it would be beneficial to think about the outcome you want and then consider the best way to get it. Games rarely work.

[SarcasticBlonde]

funny. it seems more like you're not willing to compromise. Period.

 

settling and compromise are not the same. grow up.

 

Like I said your entitled to your opinion

[Ms. Joolie]

Oh, thank God. It sounds like you've made up your mind and sound strong about it. Now that's sexy!

 

I don't know what the hell I was doing for the last several months. lol

[SarcasticBlonde]

OP, I presented some questions which went unanswered, but I think they could be of value.

 

When you do spend time together, what does it consist of?

 

 

What are some of the other ways, he shows he cares about you?

 

I am also curious to know how often you saw each other in the beginning - before you became bf/gf.

 

I think it would be of benefit for you if you look at the big picture, versus being so fixated on "seeing each other more than 2 times per week".

 

We do go out and do fun things. Go to museums, dinner, spend time with friends, etc.

We went away for the New Years weekend for a few days.

I have no complaints about what we do when we do get together.

 

Other ways he shows he cares? Hmm...he calls me every night. He offered to help me financially if I ever needed it.

 

But the two biggest concerns I had were the lack of time I see him and I always have to initiate seeing him.

 

When we first started dating he was always asking to see me and making plans. We would meet 3-4 times a week.

Not anymore.

[depplover_1980]

Your man sounds wonderful to me. Don't let your neediness ruin something great from what I have read!!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Your man sounds wonderful to me. Don't let your neediness ruin something great from what I have read!!

 

in true bratty fashion, she will.

 

dude is more than reasonable when you just read what was offered; especially in light of the logistics...

 

after OP finds the correct game(s) to get her more one-on-one time, surely she'll discover she'll also require at least 3 - 4 pints of his blood per week.

[Jannah]

We do go out and do fun things. Go to museums, dinner, spend time with friends, etc.

We went away for the New Years weekend for a few days.

I have no complaints about what we do when we do get together.

 

Other ways he shows he cares? Hmm...he calls me every night. He offered to help me financially if I ever needed it.

 

But the two biggest concerns I had were the lack of time I see him and I always have to initiate seeing him.

 

When we first started dating he was always asking to see me and making plans. We would meet 3-4 times a week.

Not anymore.

 

Don't you think - that these are all positive wonderful things?

 

So based on what you wrote - your two main concerns are: (1) going from seeing each other 3-4 times per week to twice per week; and (2) His lack of expressing a desire to see you.

 

This makes you feel unwanted/unloved. Maybe next time, approach it to him that way (you could say something like "I feel unwanted/unloved when you don't verbally express a desire to spend time with me").

 

You are his girlfriend and you should be able to communicate that to him.

 

He is your boyfriend and he should be able to empathize without becoming defensive.

[SarcasticBlonde]

in true bratty fashion, she will.

 

dude is more than reasonable when you just read what was offered; especially in light of the logistics...

 

after OP finds the correct game(s) to get her more one-on-one time, surely she'll discover she'll also require at least 3 - 4 pints of his blood per week.

 

I don't know what your problem is but you are welcome to your opinion, not insults. Thanks

[SarcasticBlonde]

Don't you think - that these are all positive wonderful things?

 

So based on what you wrote - your two main concerns are: (1) going from seeing each other 3-4 times per week to twice per week; and (2) His lack of expressing a desire to see you.

 

This makes you feel unwanted/unloved. Maybe next time, approach it to him that way (you could say something like "I feel unwanted/unloved when you don't verbally express a desire to spend time with me").

 

You are his girlfriend and you should be able to communicate that to him.

 

He is your boyfriend and he should be able to empathize without becoming defensive.

 

I have expressed these things.

[depplover_1980]

Conflictedguy is pretty full on but he echoes my sentiments. You are far too unrealistic and will ruin it for yourself; also you are highly pessimistic. It sounds like you have so many wonderful things with this man yet rather than be grateful for them, you want more and more.

 

If your life is good in other areas why the rush? Feel lucky to have found a man you adore and go with it.

[Ms. Joolie]

Stand strong for what you are committed to, OP. My guess is you want a passionate relationship. Passion doesn't settle for mediocre.

 

And, really, you are only asking for a quality relationship here. You don't want to be put off and saved for only two days a week. If you want things to progress with your guy, then this is unacceptable.

 

He really needs to listen to your needs and I hope a compromise can be made. If this can't be done, he's just not a match.

[depplover_1980]

Stand strong for what you are committed to, OP. My guess is you want a passionate relationship. Passion doesn't settle for mediocre.

 

And, really, you are only asking for a quality relationship here. You don't want to be put off and saved for only two days a week. If you want things to progress with your guy, then this is unacceptable.

 

He really needs to listen to your needs and I hope a compromise can be made. If this can't be done, he's just not a match.

 

I don't agree with you at all. A relationship should not be the only thing making you happy and she is expecting a miracle to Happiness Avenue! You speak of passion, yet if she put all her passion into the dates instead of the neediness it would be explosive.

 

The guy takes her out and they have nice dates, calls her and is honest with her and for 3 months it is great what he offers. This is a guy that some balanced woman will cherish.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Stand strong for what you are committed to, OP. My guess is you want a passionate relationship. Passion doesn't settle for mediocre.

 

And, really, you are only asking for a quality relationship here. You don't want to be put off and saved for only two days a week. If you want things to progress with your guy, then this is unacceptable.

 

He really needs to listen to your needs and I hope a compromise can be made. If this can't be done, he's just not a match.

 

I don't think I'm asking for much either. So I'm suprised to hear that the majority here think that just because the other things are good, I should settle. Like I said I have done that all through my twenties. I'm not doing that again.