Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[SarcasticBlonde]

I don't agree with you at all. A relationship should not be the only thing making you happy and she is expecting a miracle to Happiness Avenue! You speak of passion, yet if she put all her passion into the dates instead of the neediness it would be explosive.

 

The guy takes her out and they have nice dates, calls her and is honest with her and for 3 months it is great what he offers. This is a guy that some balanced woman will cherish.

 

I didn't post here to be degraded. So please post your opinion but keep it civil.

[depplover_1980]

It is completely civil, but perhaps the truth hurts? You are clearly mad about this guy or you would not be on here seeking answers, or are you really seeking back up to excuse what you already suspect is an overt neediness. Not once are you considering his needs at all. Just don't blow it as I think you'll really regret it.

 

I also suspect you would be bored by a guy all over you and catering to your every whim as you actually enjoy the challenge deep down, it is what intrigues you about him.

[SarcasticBlonde]

It is completely civil, but perhaps the truth hurts? You are clearly mad about this guy or you would not be on here seeking answers, or are you really seeking back up to excuse what you already suspect is an overt neediness. Not once are you considering his needs at all. Just don't blow it as I think you'll really regret it.

 

I also suspect you would be bored by a guy all over you and catering to your every whim as you actually enjoy the challenge deep down, it is what intrigues you about him.

 

Your comment about a balanced woman was uncalled for. I'm completely balanced. And no I don't want or like a "challenge". It would be lovely to be cherished by a man. I have never had that before.

 

I'm not "needy" lol. I want more time with someone I thought cared for me as much as I cared for him. But if he is unable to do that, than I will move on to someone who will.

[fishtaco]

Sounds like you already made up your mind. You're not here to ask for advice, you're looking for justification for your decision.

 

That's fine. But either way, passive aggressive behavior doesn't do anyone any good. Just don't do the thing where you intentionally ruin the relationship first and create all kinds of negative feelings before you break it off (like not returning calls or whatever).

 

If you want to break it off, just do a clean cut and leave. Talk to him face to face, say that this is not working out, stick to your guns no matter how much he tries to persuade you (he probably won't try very hard, not because he doesn't care, but because he's an Asian engineer, he'll hurt later, on his own time. I know because I am one myself). And go NC. God... that was a horrible night... Sorry, flash back to the night I broke up with my ex.

 

Anyway that was what I did. I deeply regret my decision to break up with my ex now. depplover_1980 pretty much described my mistake. However, every situation is different, I hope you know what you're doing, and once it's over, I hope you feel like patting yourself on the back for doing the right thing.

 

I'm sure you have plenty of other options out there. Good luck.

[depplover_1980]

Your comment about a balanced woman was uncalled for. I'm completely balanced. And no I don't want or like a "challenge". It would be lovely to be cherished by a man. I have never had that before.

 

I'm not "needy" lol. I want more time with someone I thought cared for me as much as I cared for him. But if he is unable to do that, than I will move on to someone who will.

 

No by only listening to your unreasonable needs (ie all his spare time to be spent with you) and not to his requirements you are behaving unbalanced and selfish. You are not allowing for his personality or trying to understand it, you just want him to be what you want him to be. Focus on all his great points, the things that make you smile.

 

Sorry to be harsh but it is what I see here.

[depplover_1980]

No by only listening to your unreasonable needs (ie all his spare time to be spent with you) and not to his requirements you are behaving unbalanced and selfish. You are not allowing for his personality or trying to understand it, you just want him to be what you want him to be. Focus on all his great points, the things that make you smile.

 

Sorry to be harsh but it is what I see here.

 

Gotta go bed now, hope you think about the possibility you need to compromise your viewpoints as there is a difference between compromise and settling.

[Ms. Joolie]

The guy takes her out and they have nice dates, calls her and is honest with her and for 3 months it is great what he offers. This is a guy that some balanced woman will cherish.

 

If in six months he is only giving two days a week to her, that would be a crying shame. They need to spend more time together. Two days a week is very stingy in a relationship. She wants and needs more if this is going to be a long term romantic partner for her. Now is the time to deal with this, and I think she is spot on.

[KraftDinner]

I can't believe how harsh some people are being to the OP. She wants a relationship with more quality time... oh yeah, what a bitch, right?

 

What if it was a guy coming here saying "In order to feel close to a partner, I want to have sex 4 times a week and my girlfriend only wants to do it twice a week, and she says in order to compromise she'll lie there and I can do her but she has made it clear she's only doing it because I asked her to"?

 

OP, not all men (as you know) only want to spend 2 days a week with their girlfriends. If that is something that is really important to you, then you two are just incompatible. It doesn't mean you are a clingy selfish bitch or whatever else others are trying to say.

[SarcasticBlonde]

If in six months he is only giving two days a week to her, that would be a crying shame. They need to spend more time together. Two days a week is very stingy in a relationship. She wants and needs more if this is going to be a long term romantic partner for her. Now is the time to deal with this, and I think she is spot on.

 

People act like I'm asking for a ring. I don't get it.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I can't believe how harsh some people are being to the OP. She wants a relationship with more quality time... oh yeah, what a bitch, right?

 

What if it was a guy coming here saying "In order to feel close to a partner, I want to have sex 4 times a week and my girlfriend only wants to do it twice a week, and she says in order to compromise she'll lie there and I can do her but she has made it clear she's only doing it because I asked her to"?

 

OP, not all men (as you know) only want to spend 2 days a week with their girlfriends. If that is something that is really important to you, then you two are just incompatible. It doesn't mean you are a clingy selfish bitch or whatever else others are trying to say.

 

lol. yeah I'm such an unbalanced, clingy, needy, bitch! Holy ****. How could I ask to see someone I care about more often. Such a horrible person I'm being!

[SarcasticBlonde]

No by only listening to your unreasonable needs (ie all his spare time to be spent with you) and not to his requirements you are behaving unbalanced and selfish. You are not allowing for his personality or trying to understand it, you just want him to be what you want him to be. Focus on all his great points, the things that make you smile.

 

Sorry to be harsh but it is what I see here.

 

My unreasonable needs? lol! By wanting him to be more proactive about wanting and planning to see me? Wow some people here don't have very high standards. Well I do. And actually I don't even consider my standards that high! His needs are not the only ones that matter here.

[zengirl]

I don't think the BF is being stingy with his time, nor do I think the OP is being an entitled princess. They simply have different styles. It's up to the OP if she's willing to compromise -- if she likes this guy enough to work on it or not.

 

I don't think it sounds like a sign of an uncaring boyfriend, just an introverted boyfriend who's going through a demanding job period. To me, that would not be a dealbreaker, particularly if he agreed to work on it because it would make me happy. (It doesn't sound like he's going about this in a passive aggressive way.) It sounds to me like he is trying, but he cannot make her the complete center. His work has picked up, and he has to pull back for awhile. At six months, that seems fair to me, and it wouldn't bother me the way it bothers the OP.

 

But I'm not the OP, and I don't need the same things the OP needs. Only she knows what she needs.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I don't think the BF is being stingy with his time, nor do I think the OP is being an entitled princess. They simply have different styles. It's up to the OP if she's willing to compromise -- if she likes this guy enough to work on it or not.

 

I don't think it sounds like a sign of an uncaring boyfriend, just an introverted boyfriend who's going through a demanding job period. To me, that would not be a dealbreaker, particularly if he agreed to work on it because it would make me happy. (It doesn't sound like he's going about this in a passive aggressive way.) It sounds to me like he is trying, but he cannot make her the complete center. His work has picked up, and he has to pull back for awhile. At six months, that seems fair to me, and it wouldn't bother me the way it bothers the OP.

 

But I'm not the OP, and I don't need the same things the OP needs. Only she knows what she needs.

 

We have only been dating 3-4 months. Not six. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I don't know what your problem is but you are welcome to your opinion, not insults. Thanks

 

I call em like I see em, love.

 

some are more receptive to the truth than others.

 

when I post up a thread I want your candid opinion too; especially if I'm out of line or just need a verbal slap across the face. that's what this forum should be about. can you imagine the converse? a forum where nobody said what they believed and coddled posters so as not to ruffle feathers.

 

I see no purpose in that.

 

know this, OP, I have nothing against you personally; after all, I only know you based on what little I've read about you here at LS. there's more to you & I know that.

 

be that as it may, you're acting like an immature brat, so I'm calling you on it.

I offer my opinion as food for thought; nothing more. at the end of the day you call all the shots associated with your life, not us.

 

I hope that helps you get what my "problem" is. and I fully welcome you to call me on any BS I'm throwing out there in my relationships. that's what I'm here for.

[zengirl]

We have only been dating 3-4 months. Not six. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

 

Oh, sorry. People had thrown around different time lengths, and I was confused. At any rate, Even at 3-4 months, that doesn't change anything else I said.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I call em like I see em, love.

 

some are more receptive to the truth than others.

 

when I post up a thread I want your candid opinion too; especially if I'm out of line or just need a verbal slap across the face. that's what this forum should be about. can you imagine the converse? a forum where nobody said what they believed and coddled posters so as not to ruffle feathers.

 

I see no purpose in that.

 

know this, OP, I have nothing against you personally; after all, I only know you based on what little I've read about you here at LS. there's more to you & I know that.

 

be that as it may, you're acting like an immature brat, so I'm calling you on it.

I offer my opinion as food for thought; nothing more. at the end of the day you call all the shots associated with your life, not us.

 

I hope that helps you get what my "problem" is. and I fully welcome you to call me on any BS I'm throwing out there in my relationships. that's what I'm here for.

 

You posted your opinion and threw in some low blows. I'm not going to waste anymore time responding to your nasty comments. Thanks.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Oh, sorry. People had thrown around different time lengths, and I was confused. At any rate, Even at 3-4 months, that doesn't change anything else I said.

 

I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable. If after 3-4 months he can only spend twice a week with me. I hate to think what it would be 4 months from now. 1 day a week..maybe..

[Nexus One]

I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable. If after 3-4 months he can only spend twice a week with me. I hate to think what it would be 4 months from now. 1 day a week..maybe..

 

That's an irrational fear. It's not based on any data at all.

[Ms. Joolie]

People act like I'm asking for a ring. I don't get it.

 

Oh I love LS'rs. They really know how to shake you up. Just sometimes they act like they've never had sex.

[daphne]

- Give him time to make the adjustment. How do you deal with adult professionals? You let them know what is needed, then you leave them alone to accomplish what you asked for. So maybe you should treat him like an adult.

 

- If he changes, congrats! Onward to the next issue.

 

- If he doesn't change, then that's a red flag.

 

Blonde - This is actually the best advice in this entire post. If you want something from someone, you have to state your wants and then back off. Often times, people who care wnat to make you happy. But you have to give them time, space and dignity to make THEIR OWN DECISIONS. Unfortunately, you did part of that, but then you did pressure him with a bit of gaminess to get your way. Understandable, we all do that from time to time. However, it rarely works this way.

 

State your wants. Back off and let them make the decision. You'll be surprised at how well this works. But you have to be willing to accept that you won't get your way.

 

As opposed to multiple posters suggesting that you're needy, I don't get that impression. And I've seen a LOT of needy, clingy, pushy women (and men) on this forum. There's a book called the 5 Love Languages & it sounds like you're a time person. Nothing wrong with that. You just need to communicate better that's what you need and let him decide if he wants to meet that need.

 

If he doesn't, I think you know that you have to find someone better suited for you. I understand that your ego is a bit bruised that you had to bring this up as opposed to knowing that he naturally wanted to spend more time with you. Phone calls won't cut it. They don't make a relationship at all for me either.

 

Get the book. And learn better communication maybe. Good luck.

[zengirl]

I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable. If after 3-4 months he can only spend twice a week with me. I hate to think what it would be 4 months from now. 1 day a week..maybe..

 

If it were a pattern of reduced time over a longer period, I'd agree with you. However, I doubt that's the case (Some things you said indicated his work has picked up, as many people's will around this time, after the holiday flack), and he also seemed responsive to your need to see him more. Happy about it? Maybe not. If he's an introvert (which I suspect, from your description), and he's already being stressed with work things and external expectations, and just wants some time to 'recharge,' well, then, he won't be thrilled with it.

 

I'm an extrovert, but I've spent much time with introverts. . . certainly enough to see people misunderstand them constantly. I get where you're coming from. I just don't see it indicative of his level of caring perse.

 

If it's one of your dealbreakers----"I can't be with someone who can't spend 3-4 days a week with me, on a regular basis"----then that's up to you. But it should be about the dealbreaker itself and not the "caring" you think it implies. That's my main point.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Oh I love LS'rs. They really know how to shake you up. Just sometimes they act like they've never had sex.

 

just when I was starting to shake the whole "Texan's are crazy" perception, you post this... thanks for setting me back.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Blonde - This is actually the best advice in this entire post. If you want something from someone, you have to state your wants and then back off. Often times, people who care wnat to make you happy. But you have to give them time, space and dignity to make THEIR OWN DECISIONS. Unfortunately, you did part of that, but then you did pressure him with a bit of gaminess to get your way. Understandable, we all do that from time to time. However, it rarely works this way.

 

State your wants. Back off and let them make the decision. You'll be surprised at how well this works. But you have to be willing to accept that you won't get your way.

 

As opposed to multiple posters suggesting that you're needy, I don't get that impression. And I've seen a LOT of needy, clingy, pushy women (and men) on this forum. There's a book called the 5 Love Languages & it sounds like you're a time person. Nothing wrong with that. You just need to communicate better that's what you need and let him decide if he wants to meet that need.

 

If he doesn't, I think you know that you have to find someone better suited for you. I understand that your ego is a bit bruised that you had to bring this up as opposed to knowing that he naturally wanted to spend more time with you. Phone calls won't cut it. They don't make a relationship at all for me either.

 

Get the book. And learn better communication maybe. Good luck.

 

Thanks that's great advice.

I will take a look at the book. I don't think a phone call can't be a substitute for spending time together. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

[carhill]

OP, I skimmed so apologies for this if in error; have you tried to compromise during this busy period for him and do the commute yourself, since you appear to have more time? I think I read that he's hatin' the commute part right now since he's so busy. Seems to me he'd be up for spending time with you absent that two hour round trip.

 

FWIW, my exW and I dealt with a similar dynamic while dating and during our engagement. If both people want it to work, it will. Good luck

[SarcasticBlonde]

OP, I skimmed so apologies for this if in error; have you tried to compromise during this busy period for him and do the commute yourself, since you appear to have more time? I think I read that he's hatin' the commute part right now since he's so busy. Seems to me he'd be up for spending time with you absent that two hour round trip.

 

FWIW, my exW and I dealt with a similar dynamic while dating and during our engagement. If both people want it to work, it will. Good luck

 

I have done that and he knows I would drive to see him. He gave me a key to his place a few months ago. But now he says he is comfortable with seeing me 2 times a week.