Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[carhill]

TBH, to me it sounds like he needs a bit more maturing in the work/personal balance area to be emotionally and physically available for a complete intimate relationship. I base this opinion on personal experience and knowing a number of very successful men who are personal friends. Part of being successful is prioritizing and managing time, as time is the most precious of commodities. Right now, he sees you as 'two times a week' priority, for an unknown amount of time, versus 168 hours a week of actual time. I'll bet, if he's like most of the successful men I know, he sleeps maybe 3-5 hours a night, since the brain is always churning. So, he has a lot of wake time to prioritize and manage. Apparently, given his relationship history, he has a pattern of this type of prioritization. That's good information. His style, priority and preference is valid. What remains is whether it is compatible with your style, priority and preference.

 

Today, at my age, if I were facing a similar circumstance, meaning being in your place, with a 'career woman', I'd give her the key to her place back and bid her farewell. We're in different places in life. YMMV

[daphne]

TBH, to me it sounds like he needs a bit more maturing in the work/personal balance area to be emotionally and physically available for a complete intimate relationship. I base this opinion on personal experience and knowing a number of very successful men who are personal friends. Part of being successful is prioritizing and managing time, as time is the most precious of commodities. Right now, he sees you as 'two times a week' priority, for an unknown amount of time, versus 168 hours a week of actual time. I'll bet, if he's like most of the successful men I know, he sleeps maybe 3-5 hours a night, since the brain is always churning. So, he has a lot of wake time to prioritize and manage. Apparently, given his relationship history, he has a pattern of this type of prioritization. That's good information. His style, priority and preference is valid. What remains is whether it is compatible with your style, priority and preference.

 

Today, at my age, if I were facing a similar circumstance, meaning being in your place, with a 'career woman', I'd give her the key to her place back and bid her farewell. We're in different places in life. YMMV

 

For the love of god, what is YMMV Carhill?

[Ms. Joolie]

I felt his response was cold. He didn't seem to put much thought into my feelings. It was all about him and what works for him. Yes it does hurt because I'm crazy about him. I usually hear from him every night but tonight I decided it would be better off we didn't talk. Even though we had a good night last night, I'm still upset. So I just texted him and told him it wasn't necessary he call me tonight, he didn't respond. I take it he either fell asleep or he didn't like that I don't wanna talk.

 

I was rereading the thread and this post hit me like a rock. You don't have to tell him things like, "it isn't necessary to call me tonight." In fact, communication is crucial right now as you two work this out together.

 

Don't be upset over fulfilling on your own happiness. It can actually be fun.

[carhill]

For the love of god, what is YMMV Carhill?

YMMV - your mileage may vary = your experience may differ from that I offer.

[daphne]

YMMV - your mileage may vary = your experience may differ from that I offer.

 

Kthx

[SarcasticBlonde]

Not good. I texted him and told him I thought we needed to talk. He called me and I knew by the tone in his voice that it wasn't good. He was at work so it was a short conversation. He said he has been thinking about things too and that with work being so stressful he hasn't been able to think clearly.

 

He said he didn't know I was so unhappy and prior to our argument about my request to spend more time together, he felt fine about things. He said he isn't sure he can give me what I'm asking right now. I told him that I adored him and that I'm happy in every other aspect of our relationship. He said he thinks he needs a day or two to think about things. At this point I was just getting more and more upset. I felt the tears coming and just blurted out "maybe we should just end it now". It was a complete defense mechanism. I regretted saying it right away. I told him I thought we needed to talk in person and he agreed. I said I would rather do it sooner than later.

 

He offered to come to my place but I know he is working late, so I offered to go there. I asked him if he felt pressured to talk to me tomorrow. He said a little, but he would rather us talk sooner than later. I said once we talk tomorrow night, he can take whatever time he needs. And obviously I have some thinking to do as well.

 

I just don't understand how something so good changed just because I asked for more time with him? We had a wonderful holiday season. My family adores him and he loves them. We had a magical weekend away. And now all I can do is cry and feel heartbreak coming on. I'm even considering calling out of work tomorrow I'm such a wreck.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I texted him I'm sorry for getting upset. He responded back with "I'm sorry too, and I'm sorry if I ruined your night. We will talk more tomorrow and I will try to give you more of my thoughts"

 

I told him I didn't want to lose him over this and but I will respect whatever the outcome may be. I know he was at work and hes busy but all he said to that was "ok". wtf?

 

For the first time in my life I tell a guy I care about what I need and now I'm close to getting dumped. Now I feel that he thinks I don't appreciate him and that he couldn't satisfy me. When its just the opposite.

[Star Gazer]

After about 35 minutes of arguing he said that he felt that seeing me twice a week was enough for him. He said that is what he is "comfortable" with.

 

I know everyone needs space, but twice a week isn't enough for me.

 

I told him that I wasn't going to change my mind aoout needing to see a man I'm in a relationship with more than twice a week and that and maybe we are looking for different things.

 

I think twice a week when you live an hour apart and have only been dating 3 months, combined with his busy work schedule, is sufficient... at least sufficient enough where you shouldn't be guilt tripping him into spending more time together beyond what he's comfortable with.

 

That's my personal opinion. But you have to decide what works for you.

 

You've expressed you need to see him more than twice a week. He's said that's what he's comfortable with. So it seems you two are at an odds and incompatible right now. Yes, with the veiled threat of a breakup, he agreed to see you more often, but you're right that it's forced and outside of his comfort zone. It sounds like he agreed only out of fear of losing you if he didn't comply. That speaks to how he feels about you, but I sense he'll come to harbor some resentments because of it.

 

Do you want him to be uncomfortable? Can you look beyond what you want, and find a compromise that's best for the relationship you have that you think is so great right now?

[SarcasticBlonde]

I think twice a week when you live an hour apart and have only been dating 3 months, combined with his busy work schedule, is sufficient... at least sufficient enough where you shouldn't be guilt tripping him into spending more time together beyond what he's comfortable with.

 

That's my personal opinion. But you have to decide what works for you.

 

You've expressed you need to see him more than twice a week. He's said that's what he's comfortable with. So it seems you two are at an odds and incompatible right now. Yes, with the veiled threat of a breakup, he agreed to see you more often, but you're right that it's forced and outside of his comfort zone. It sounds like he agreed only out of fear of losing you if he didn't comply. That speaks to how he feels about you, but I sense he'll come to harbor some resentments because of it.

 

Do you want him to be uncomfortable? Can you look beyond what you want, and find a compromise that's best for the relationship you have that you think is so great right now?

 

 

Read my last entry. There have been some changes. No of course I don't want him to be uncomfortable. I guess I just didn't understand how he could be uncomfortable with spending time with me if he cares for me. But maybe that speaks volumes and I need to listen to what I'm not ready to hear..

[daphne]

For the first time in my life I tell a guy I care about what I need and now I'm close to getting dumped. Now I feel that he thinks I don't appreciate him and that he couldn't satisfy me. When its just the opposite.

 

I know you're upset right now but I think that you're not seeing teh full picture. I don't think it's because you expressed what you needed that things are off kilter. I think it's the way you chose to go about expressing it. He may have reservations about trusting you because your attitude seemed more punitive than necessary, given the situation. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you need. It's an entirely different thing to try to control his response to your request by punishing him.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Star's right on the money.

 

OP, if you're really at a loss for why these events are occurring as they are, I recommend you review each post that at least mildly offended you, as each one I reviewed not only told you this was coming, but also why...

 

you will be dumped (this time). review and learn from this episode.

 

all the best.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I know you're upset right now but I think that you're not seeing teh full picture. I don't think it's because you expressed what you needed that things are off kilter. I think it's the way you chose to go about expressing it. He may have reservations about trusting you because your attitude seemed more punitive than necessary, given the situation. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you need. It's an entirely different thing to try to control his response to your request by punishing him.

 

But I didn't punish him. All I did was choose not to speak to him for one night (last night). Thats all.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Star's right on the money.

 

OP, if you're really at a loss for why these events are occurring as they are, I recommend you review each post that at least mildly offended you, as each one I reviewed not only told you this was coming, but also why...

 

you will be dumped (this time). review and learn from this episode.

 

all the best.

 

 

I think you are a sadist that gets pleasure out of someone elses pain. Please leave my post alone.

[Seamless74]

He said he didn't know I was so unhappy and prior to our argument about my request to spend more time together, he felt fine about things. He said he isn't sure he can give me what I'm asking right now. I told him that I adored him and that I'm happy in every other aspect of our relationship. He said he thinks he needs a day or two to think about things. At this point I was just getting more and more upset. I felt the tears coming and just blurted out "maybe we should just end it now". It was a complete defense mechanism. I regretted saying it right away. I told him I thought we needed to talk in person and he agreed. I said I would rather do it sooner than later.

okay its official.... now your being a nightmare..... Man stop bothering that dude at work hes already working his ass off now hes got you calling up there and messing with him, and hes got to worry about some crazy chick coming over to start a fight with him after he gets off... I can see your relentless and starting to stew a bit too much just by the amount of time and effort youve spent on this post..

 

What youve got to understand is that this whole "why wont you spend more time with me" thing you got going is just putting you under his thumb; its a no win deal he spends more time with you you feel bad because you think he really doesnt want too. (unless having people do things they dont want to because you cry enough about it is something your into) or he just cant do it and then you gotta back up your talk and leave... You need to chill and quit being a baby,,

 

Best option for you is to give him space and go ahead and live your life I bet if he was wondering where you were at all the time as opposed to just knowing that your waiting on him all the time youd probably be spending more time with him already...

[SarcasticBlonde]

I will do my best to save what I have with him if it means keeping things as they have been. I have not been as vocal with him as I have been here for obvious reasons. I'm here for advice and to hear other people's opinions on my situation.

[daphne]

But I didn't punish him. All I did was choose not to speak to him for one night (last night). Thats all.

 

Blonde,

 

Speaking as a girl who's done the same thing, you can't kid a kidder. The tone of your post was punitive. You're angry. I get it. I'm not saying you should get dumped for it, unlike Nostradamus. I'm saying that understand where the ineffective behaviors are, not at the fact that you asked for what you wanted. You texted him and told him you didn't feel like talking. It was a bit punishing. You won't give me my way so I'm going to pout and make you work harder.

 

A smart woman knows that she has to be more balanced about these things. If you really wanted to give him space and time, you could have told him that in the first conversation or asked him for space. The way you did it was, imo, a way to push him away to see if perhaps he would chase after you harder to earn you back.

 

Objectively, if you're honest and self aware you can check the behaviors that don't work and find better ways at getting waht you want. That doesn't mean you'll always get your way, but when you do it'll probably be with little to no resentment, whereas pushing someone to get it does the opposite.

 

Disclaimer: I do not always do all of these things at once. I pick and choose when being a brat gets me nowhere.

[Star Gazer]

Read my last entry. There have been some changes. No of course I don't want him to be uncomfortable. I guess I just didn't understand how he could be uncomfortable with spending time with me if he cares for me. But maybe that speaks volumes and I need to listen to what I'm not ready to hear..

 

Not everyone thinks and feels the way you do. Even when completely smitten, some people need a lot of down-time away from their SO, and it has nothing to do with how they feel about their SO. Sometimes it's cyclical, sometimes it depends on what else is going on in their life, sometimes they're just trying to pace the relationship. I know that when I'm into a guy, I rarely want to see him even 3 times a week at first - and that's when he's local!! Add an hour drive and a heavy workload and I'd be seeing him much less, regardless of how much I'm jonesing for him. I need significant "Star time."

 

Quite frankly, I think you may have majorly freaked him out. Your demand for consistently spending more time together ("or else!!!") is likely something he cannot meet, regardless of his feelings for you. He may also think that you might be constantly dissatisfied with what he's able to provide you, both in terms of time and other things. Feeling as though you can't meet your woman's needs is a horrible feeling for a guy to have.

[SarcasticBlonde]

okay its official.... now your being a nightmare.

 

Best option for you is to give him space and go ahead and live your life I bet if he was wondering where you were at all the time as opposed to just knowing that your waiting on him all the time youd probably be spending more time with him already...

 

 

Actually no I'm not being a "nightmare" and If I want to spend time on my post I have every right to do that. I don't understand why this forum is so hateful.

 

He will have his "space" and I have never been the kind of woman to "wait on a man" or "stalk" a man. Just the opposite. I don't think letting him wonder where I'am is going to do anything productive. Thanks anyway.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Not everyone thinks and feels the way you do. Even when completely smitten, some people need a lot of down-time away from their SO, and it has nothing to do with how they feel about their SO. Sometimes it's cyclical, sometimes it depends on what else is going on in their life, sometimes they're just trying to pace the relationship. I know that when I'm into a guy, I rarely want to see him even 3 times a week at first - and that's when he's local!! Add an hour drive and a heavy workload and I'd be seeing him much less, regardless of how much I'm jonesing for him. I need significant "Star time."

 

Quite frankly, I think you may have majorly freaked him out. Your demand for consistently spending more time together ("or else!!!") is likely something he cannot meet, regardless of his feelings for you. He may also think that you might be constantly dissatisfied with what he's able to provide you, both in terms of time and other things. Feeling as though you can't meet your woman's needs is a horrible feeling for a guy to have.

 

I'm not a perfect person and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. I probably could have reacted better about it. I'm not saying I did it right. I should have thought about it before I reacted regarding increasing our time together. But keep in mind he didn't exactly say it in the best way either. I don't know if what he needs to think about is regarding us staying together or deciding if he can spend more time with me. I guess I need to step up and tell him I handled it wrong, etc.

 

I don't think I freaked him out. This man asked me to go out of the country with him. He met my family very soon. He has said things that surprised me too. It hasn't been a one way thing.

[Ms. Joolie]

For the first time in my life I tell a guy I care about what I need and now I'm close to getting dumped.

 

Do you get how great this is? For the first time ever you are telling a guy you care about what you need! This is great! How it looks is just the way it looks, but be glad that you have done this. You've opened the door for adult communication. Sure it came about a little off being that you were upset, but just take responsibility for the miscommunication and continue on communicating what's important to you.

 

Stay strong with what you are requesting of him, and be able to listen to what he has to say about it. It will work out. You weren't feeling the way you were when you posted this over nothing.

 

In my relationship, we are in a series of conversations about our future together. I have no idea how it's going to turn out yet, but I have to be committed to what I'm committed to. We love each other and we don't want to let go, but we are listening to each others needs now.

 

The best advice I got recently was from a guy I was chatting with last week, a brilliant guy. He said something like, "You know those older couples you see, hand in hand, that have been together for decades? You know what they have? A relationship, something they've both worked on together for years."

 

So what I get from that is that it's rough, but you've got to express your needs. You want what you want. You two have to work together as adults. If it's going to last, you two have to build relationship.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

[SarcasticBlonde]

Do you get how great this is? For the first time ever you are telling a guy you care about what you need! This is great! How it looks is just the way it looks, but be glad that you have done this. You've opened the door for adult communication. Sure it came about a little off being that you were upset, but just take responsibility for the miscommunication and continue on communicating what's important to you.

 

Stay strong with what you are requesting of him, and be able to listen to what he has to say about it. It will work out. You weren't feeling the way you were when you posted this over nothing.

 

In my relationship, we are in a series of conversations about our future together. I have no idea how it's going to turn out yet, but I have to be committed to what I'm committed to. We love each other and we don't want to let go, but we are listening to each others needs now.

 

The best advice I got recently was from a guy I was chatting with last week, a brilliant guy. He said something like, "You know those older couples you see, hand in hand, that have been together for decades? You know what they have? A relationship, something they've both worked on together for years."

 

So what I get from that is that it's rough, but you've got to express your needs. You want what you want. You two have to work together as adults. If it's going to last, you two have to build relationship.

 

I'm sorry I don't see this as being a good thing. I'm not trying to be negative but now I feel like I'm going there tomorrow for him to end things.

[carhill]

OP, my understanding is that your BF is ethnic Japanese who has spent most of his life (adult life?) in Great Britain before moving to the US for work. Also, you share this:

 

He has only had one serious girlfriend and that lasted 2 years and ended right before he moved to the United States. From what he told me he asked her to come with him to the US thinking she would come but she turned him down.

In totality, it is quite possible his cultural background and relationship history and perspective are pivotal in this apparent incompatibility, perhaps even beyond his dedication to job, work ethic, and specific relationship dynamic with you. Opinion?

 

OP, I'll bet the folks here who are being harsh with you are hard-driving, hard-working successful people. They understand your BF's perspective and identify with it. This exemplifies the wide range of relationship styles, as well as lifestyles, of people. If there is a lesson in this, it can be one of people-picking, as well as *how* one handles the challenges relationships thrown at them.

 

If you had to do it all over, what, if anything, would you do differently, accepting that this path is one path of many and is completely valid?

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry I don't see this as being a good thing. I'm not trying to be negative but now I feel like I'm going there tomorrow for him to end things.

 

Which will hurt. But the good thing, the silver lining, is that you stood up for your needs. Now, many will argue that you might want to re-evaluate your needs, and how and when you communicate them to your SO. But for now, be proud that you had the cajones to speak up and express them. If this relationship ends, you'll learn that it's not the end of the world to move on when you find your needs don't match his.

[daphne]

Blonde,

 

Just let him say what he has to say and don't try to control it. Try to remain rational and as unemotional as possible. I know you're feelings are hurt right now, but it's hard to communicate well if you're too upset.

 

There's nothing wrong with telling him what you need. You just have to be sure that you aren't demanding it. If he suggests time off, GIVE IT TO HIM. Don't fight it. Agree with him. And please do not humble yourself to taking too much blame here. No one's perfect but it's counter productive. If he does decide to take a break or whatever, just tell him you understand and roll out. No reason to try to change his mind. I promise you, it will make things worse if you do.

 

It's entirely possible that you'll get there and talk things out. Be prepared for that possibility too. It'll be ok, regardless.

[daphne]

If you had to do it all over, what, if anything, would you do differently, accepting that this path is one path of many and is completely valid?

 

This right here.