Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[carhill]

OP, wow, tough evening. Hope your head is feeling better soon

 

If the phone doesn't turn up, you can pull your call records up online tonight and get his number and call from a landline and let him know you're OK. It should be obvious which number is his by all the activity

[SarcasticBlonde]

OP, wow, tough evening. Hope your head is feeling better soon

 

If the phone doesn't turn up, you can pull your call records up online tonight and get his number and call from a landline and let him know you're OK. It should be obvious which number is his by all the activity

 

I have his work number, just leave him a message. So Carhill, does it sound hopeless?

[carhill]

Good, he knows you're OK. I'd leave him to process things. He's an intellectual. The stuff from tonight has to wind through all the machinations of his mind. What's done is done. Leave it for now and focus on your stuff. Sometimes, when we live outside ourselves too much, we forget about maintenance. IMO, this is a great time to do some personal maintenance. Get some sleep

[SarcasticBlonde]

Good, he knows you're OK. I'd leave him to process things. He's an intellectual. The stuff from tonight has to wind through all the machinations of his mind. What's done is done. Leave it for now and focus on your stuff. Sometimes, when we live outside ourselves too much, we forget about maintenance. IMO, this is a great time to do some personal maintenance. Get some sleep

 

 

Don't think sleep will happen tonight. thanks.

[carhill]

Make it happen. It's something you need right now. I understand it's difficult. I don't need any more tower shooters calling me at 3am

[SarcasticBlonde]

Make it happen. It's something you need right now. I understand it's difficult. I don't need any more tower shooters calling me at 3am

 

 

I'm going to try soon.

 

I think I just need to realize its a case of "hes just not THAT into me".

[carhill]

Humor works. When it doesn't, I load up the anti-psychotics and we go marching

 

When a relationship and someone matters, sometimes this happens. Good on ya that you can value someone that much. It's a gift. Now sleep on it....

[Yvette_Sveden]

I read almost every post in this thread. While I do hope you get better soon, I'm with the majority here in that what you were suggesting to improve the quality of the relationship was too much to ask for given the circumstances of this story.

[OceanGirl]

I feel like pressuring someone to spend more time with you or to contact you more is futile.

 

Either they naturally want to or they don't. There are some things that can not be talked out.

[Ms. Joolie]

The impression I'm getting of this guy then is that he has difficulty talking about his feelings, was comfortable with seeing you only 2 times a week, has a demanding job and likes his time alone. The time you had with him was miniscule, but that was all the time he allowed in his schedule.

 

This isn't someone who's available for the relationship you want and need. I think he knows this. I think he's had this come up before, and that's why he's only had one other serious girlfriend.

 

I think there's a hidden reason, too, why we pick someone who lives 45 minutes away.

 

Anyway, so sorry to hear it wasn't a good night for you! Please don't think 'you' caused this. Maybe he will reach out to you again, but it does sound like he's chosen his ways already. I think it was good for you to let him know that a relationship with you would require more time. He needed to hear this.

[Ms. Joolie]

It really bothers me that he wouldn't listen to your need for more time together.

[SarcasticBlonde]

It really bothers me that he wouldn't listen to your need for more time together.

 

I'm extremely hurt that he couldn't tell me how he feels about me. Even with what happened. I don't understand. I almost feel lead on and lied to..

[SarcasticBlonde]

I read almost every post in this thread. While I do hope you get better soon, I'm with the majority here in that what you were suggesting to improve the quality of the relationship was too much to ask for given the circumstances of this story.

 

I'm starting to think it was less about the argument and more about how he DOESN'T feel about me.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I feel like pressuring someone to spend more time with you or to contact you more is futile.

 

Either they naturally want to or they don't. There are some things that can not be talked out.

 

 

Well, he didn't want to and I think this probably would have happened eventually. I think he knew I wasn't the "one" the whole time and he was just lonely and wanted someone to spend time with. When my time came, he would let me know. I may tell him he doesn't need to decide anything, I may decide for him.

[OceanGirl]

I am curious, apart from not spending enough time with you, were there any other signs that he may not be that into you?

[SarcasticBlonde]

I am curious, apart from not spending enough time with you, were there any other signs that he may not be that into you?

 

 

NOT ONE. Everything else showed me he cared very deeply for me. I'm shocked he couldn't even tell me that.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I am curious, apart from not spending enough time with you, were there any other signs that he may not be that into you?

 

At Christmas he spent 4 days with me. He took me away for New Years for 3 days. These were the longer amount of times. He took me to his work party and introduced me to his coworkers. He introduced me to his friends. I don't understand.

[Ms. Joolie]

Thank you for sharing all you have with us. It really helps to sort out my own situation. Like you, I want to spend more time with my boyfriend. I want my relationship to grow and now stay at 2 days a week like it has for so long. However, neither one of us can really offer that for each other right now, and we are on different pages about how we could make this work. I think the best thing to do is to just let go without investing anymore hopes for our future together.

 

I did want to point out though that your guy is going through a huge transition. He is transitioning to a new country, a new work environment and, of course, this is a busy month. I hope you won't be too harsh on him for not knowing how he feels.

[zengirl]

Well, he didn't want to and I think this probably would have happened eventually. I think he knew I wasn't the "one" the whole time and he was just lonely and wanted someone to spend time with. When my time came, he would let me know. I may tell him he doesn't need to decide anything, I may decide for him.

 

Every step of the way, you keep pushing him, and then you're surprised when he wants to step back? I don't mean to beat you up about it, since you're already down, and that's a bummer, but, really, I think you've leapt to all the wrong conclusions.

 

I think he was into you when he felt good, and then when you started making him feel stressed, cornered, like he was always disappointing you, like you were trying to control him and the relationship you had with him, like you were always dissatisfied. . . then, he didn't like THAT and decided that maybe this wasn't working. That's pretty natural. Nice people don't like disappointing other people, and most people don't feel capable of massive change, especially when there's pressure being applied, as you were.

 

Honestly, you keep trying to control this relationship, and I'm not surprised by any of his reactions, or that it's unraveled. You've replaced all those good feelings from the beginning with negative, pushy feelings from your manipulations and outbursts. How is he supposed to react? It's good that you apologized for your actions, but then you went on to push him --- controlling the contact, controlling the keys, etc. I understand why you did it. You felt rejected that he needed time. Just like you felt rejected that he wasn't seeing you enough. And it's a human reaction to push, pick at it, break up, etc, to try to regain control of the situation, to reject him before he can reject you.

 

It's wholly possible you're just incompatible, too, and that you really need a guy who can see you more, but if it's a matter of what you want not meshing with him, you wouldn't need all this drama. It might hurt, but you wouldn't wish you had him back. I don't wish I had clothes back that don't fit; maybe I wish I fit into them, but I recognize the mis-fit, you know? Either way, this isn't the way to go about it.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Thank you for sharing all you have with us. It really helps to sort out my own situation. Like you, I want to spend more time with my boyfriend. I want my relationship to grow and now stay at 2 days a week like it has for so long. However, neither one of us can really offer that for each other right now, and we are on different pages about how we could make this work. I think the best thing to do is to just let go without investing anymore hopes for our future together.

 

I did want to point out though that your guy is going through a huge transition. He is transitioning to a new country, a new work environment and, of course, this is a busy month. I hope you won't be too harsh on him for not knowing how he feels.

 

 

I'm sorry you are going through that. It isn't easy when you care very much about someone.

 

As far as not being harsh, I think thats the one thing I should feel angry about. How can you know if you care about someone or not? Especially when most signs pointed that he did care for me! I feel like someone sucked the life out of me. Even if he were to come back and decide he wants to make a go out it. I think the damage has already been done.

[Ms. Joolie]

At Christmas he spent 4 days with me. He took me away for New Years for 3 days. These were the longer amount of times. He took me to his work party and introduced me to his coworkers. He introduced me to his friends. I don't understand.

 

Was it only after the holiday season that you started feeling ignored? When did your relationship get put on the "2 days a week" status?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Honestly, you keep trying to control this relationship, and I'm not surprised by any of his reactions, or that it's unraveled. You've replaced all those good feelings from the beginning with negative, pushy feelings from your manipulations and outbursts. How is he supposed to react? It's good that you apologized for your actions, but then you went on to push him --- controlling the contact, controlling the keys, etc. I understand why you did it. You felt rejected that he needed time. Just like you felt rejected that he wasn't seeing you enough. And it's a human reaction to push, pick at it, break up, etc, to try to regain control of the situation, to reject him before he can reject you.

 

 

I wasn't trying to control anything last night. There were answers I think I needed and questions that were appropriate. If he needs to think about things, how is it productive to be contacting one another like everything is ok? If he decideds to end it, why would I keep his belongings? I wasn't rejected him. I feel I was very classy about it. And I really get my emotions in check, which was very hard for me.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Was it only after the holiday season that you started feeling ignored? When did your relationship get put on the "2 days a week" status?

 

 

We were seeing each other on average 3 times a week for while and than early this month it was one day less. And I realize now it was because he was working so much and was tired. But when I asked him about it was Friday and thats when he said, it was all he was comfortable with, at this time.

[SarcasticBlonde]

*correcting typos.

 

I wasn't trying to control anything last night. There were answers I think I needed and questions that were appropriate. If he needs to think about things, how is it productive to be contacting one another like everything is ok? If he decides to end it, why would I keep his belongings? I wasn't rejecting him. I feel I was very classy about it. And I really kept my emotions in check, which was very hard for me.

[zengirl]

I wasn't trying to control anything last night. There were answers I think I needed and questions that were appropriate. If he needs to think about things, how is it productive to be contacting one another like everything is ok? If he decideds to end it, why would I keep his belongings? I wasn't rejected him. I feel I was very classy about it. And I really get my emotions in check, which was very hard for me.

 

I wasn't saying to keep the key. (No need to go round and round about it, or ask the question, just: "Here, why don't you hold onto this key, since I won't be over for a bit" instead of asking the question, then expressing shock at his response, etc.) I was talking about the way you described the conversation. Everything you do sounds so filled with pressure, even to me, and I'm a girl + I wasn't actually present. I can only imagine how pressured he sounds.

 

I'm not saying you need to contact him if he needs to think. I am saying that stating all these rules is trying to control the situation. Needing to know how he feels, what he'll do, etc -- when he doesn't know, and the whole point of his needing time is that you've confused him so far that he doesn't know -- is controlling. And generally pushes people away. This is human nature. There's a huge difference between not contacting someone because he needs to think and you know that, and you're exercising self-restraint, and making a big deal about not contacting someone the way you did.

 

The reason he can't tell you how he feels about you is likely not because he never cared for you, but because the situation has become so negative, so fast, that he can't even wrap his head around this being the same relationship or you being the same girl as when you were moving along. Some of this is just what naturally happens when these first few big fights begin; some of it is the direct result of your actions. I'm not saying he sounds perfect---he sounds like someone who has some trouble expressing and asserting himself---but nobody is. I'm saying you've done, and continue to do, many things that seem counterproductive to your goal, which is quickly fading at this point.

 

I have no idea if you two were even compatible. But it seems to me that what happened here is that you pushed away a man who cared for you, who was in a fairly good relationship with you, over a few weeks of lessened contact, a lot of cloudy emotions, and a need for control. And yes, needing answers someone can't give you, is a need for control sometimes.