After 5 year Affair, multiple attempts at NC, Depression.....SUCCESS!!!!

[woinlove]

Kismet, the suggestion that you are bipolar because you are thrilled with your new romantic interest is totally off the wall. First, new romantic interests typically are thrilling. And second, it does seem one gets a special boost from falling for an available man after having recently endured the ups and downs of loving a MM. Makes sense to me. All the little (and big) things you compromised on by loving a MM are gone and the future is bright with possibilities.

 

Another former OW started a thread much like yours, just a bit later - it's called I've met a Man, a SINGLE Man! . Seems like you two are going through something similar at the moment and are both very happy.

 

Again, good for you - it's wonderful to see you so happy.

[Mino]

Hi Kismet! Wow, just peeked in Loveshack for a min and I saw your post. I was really moved by your post. Dont know if you remember my story, but I too had a mm for 6 years. Mine moved out 4 times, ( if I remember right : ) Until the day came where i said enough. I went out on a date with a sm. I started falling for this single man, he was very much like your Micheal. My mm got jealous too. The difference was , my mm didnt know anything for about 9 months. After he found out, he stepped up his game. He stood at my door, daily... He filed for Divorce... He moved in with me. Its been 6 months... I let me sm go.... I still get text from him 2 a week, he said he understood why I went back... I felt after 6 years, we were on the last chapter, and we never finshed... so I felt I had to step back in order to move forward. So I am on the opposite end of you... You moved forward with the new man, I steppped back. Life has been wierd. I cant say I am 100 % happy. I see so much more today... Cant say I feel this will last forever. As a affair partner , he was fun, loving , and exciting... intense. As a life partner, Im bored to death most days. He is not easy to live with. moody tries to be controlling.. and many days I miss the sm i let go. Part of me feels, I have to stay, after all we went through, after his divorce, I owe it to him. So Kimet, I believe your on the right track. I wish you well, and dont look back : )

[woinlove]

Hi Kismet! Wow, just peeked in Loveshack for a min and I saw your post. I was really moved by your post. Dont know if you remember my story, but I too had a mm for 6 years. Mine moved out 4 times, ( if I remember right : ) Until the day came where i said enough. I went out on a date with a sm. I started falling for this single man, he was very much like your Micheal. My mm got jealous too. The difference was , my mm didnt know anything for about 9 months. After he found out, he stepped up his game. He stood at my door, daily... He filed for Divorce... He moved in with me. Its been 6 months... I let me sm go.... I still get text from him 2 a week, he said he understood why I went back... I felt after 6 years, we were on the last chapter, and we never finshed... so I felt I had to step back in order to move forward. So I am on the opposite end of you... You moved forward with the new man, I steppped back. Life has been wierd. I cant say I am 100 % happy. I see so much more today... Cant say I feel this will last forever. As a affair partner , he was fun, loving , and exciting... intense. As a life partner, Im bored to death most days. He is not easy to live with. moody tries to be controlling.. and many days I miss the sm i let go. Part of me feels, I have to stay, after all we went through, after his divorce, I owe it to him. So Kimet, I believe your on the right track. I wish you well, and dont look back : )

 

Personally, I think you should try to let the feelings expressed in the bolded above go, and only stay if it makes you really happy thinking you will share you life with this man. He made the decision to have an affair and to divorce. Those were his decisions and with them always comes the possibility that one will be alone.

 

I left a MM a bit after his divorce became final and it was one of the best decisions I made because it freed me to meet the love of my life several years later, someone I have always wanted to share my life with.

 

People can carry a lot of guilt around during and after an affair and this may be even worse if one goes through the MP divorce along with them. I think one is happier if you acknowledge and take responsibility for your past actions, learn from them, but let go of the guilt along with deciding how you want to behave and live into the future and making decisions that are right for you.

 

Maybe this is a bit of a t/j, but Kismet might find it useful. It is not unheard of for xMM to finally divorce once they feel they are losing the OW and since, Kismet, you appear to be keeping MM a bit in your life still, you should be prepared in case xMM tries to guilt you.

[Zale]

Honestly, Michael's willingness to just look the other way at your continued contact (in any form) with your ex-MM baffles me. How anyone in his situation could feel - anything - other than seething hatred towards the person who had you "on the side" for god knows how many years with a wife and kids at home is... absurd. Especially knowing that this guy still wants you, and expresses noticeable jealousy at your relationship. I'm gobsmacked at how passive an attitude he has in regards to it; I'd be either outright disgusted or, more likely, brandish a fake smile and offer to give his wife a phone call.

 

You really have a keeper here.

[whichwayisup]

Kismet, I'm so happy for you! Michael sounds awesome..Wish you two the best!

 

Also, you're very well spoken, obviously since you're a writer. That was a great post reply..

 

 

Mino, nice to see you on LS. Been a while! All I can say is, when the bad outweighs the good, if you're unhappy alot of the time, don't stay with him because you feel you owe him. If he left his wife to be with you, only because he felt like he was losing you to another (single) man, then that's on him. I hope you're able to not be bored to death, it sounds like he isn't the man you hoped he'd be, or the loving relationship you two would have together, outside of the affair dynamic. Take care..

[awkward]

I am so happy for you KG. You have made a lot of progress with healing your heart. And the added bonus of a new love, just makes life that much better.

[fooled once]

OWoman--

 

I will try to be as calm in my response as possible, but I am going to assume you are not in any way an addiction or healthcare professional. I am both of the above. If you ARE a medical person or work with mentally ill and drug addicted people as well, then you should be a bit ashamed to make a frivolous diagnosis such as this on someone you do not know. I do not say this to insult you, as you have often been very nice in your postings, but I feel very strongly about these types of things so forgive me if I feel I must address it a bit before answering your questions that lay beneath the suggestion of mental health disorders you've just given me.

 

Of course you only see the "extremes" of my feelings. You do not see me on a daily basis. Why would I come on this board to write about my daily mundane activities? Do you want to hear about when I wake up, have a cup of tea, walk my dog, watch TV? Lol, of course not, and so boards like this are largely composed of emotionally driven posts, which naturally would seem to represent the "highs and lows" of a persons life without focusing on the average times, which obviously are a majority of what my life entails, as do most peoples.

 

Bipolarity, for those reading, and contrary to popular belief, is NOT something in which you're happy/manic one second, and depressed wanting to kill yourself the next. It is a cyclic disorder in which people go through phases, lasting days and even weeks, of one or the other: manic episodes and depressive episodes. It is a serious disability when properly diagnosed, and not one that should be given to anonymous people on a message board, because while I know better than to take a post like yours seriously (and again this is not to insult you, I am trying to educate others reading), other people may not know better and may start to think there is something wrong with them when in reality they are having quite normal, emotional reactions to things going on in their lives. People often confuse rumour and things from movies for reality of psychiatric and medical conditions, or things their friends or family tell them. A big problem I have with patients is that they tend to tell each other completely unsubstantiated rumours about medications, treatments, and etc, and they start to believe each other just becuse one of them has experienced it. For example, there is a big misconception that methadone, since you brought that one up, makes people's teeth rot. I have tons of patients who believe this because other patients told them "hey my teeth feel out when i took methadone.". No, they didnt. They fell out because you haven't seen a dentist in 30 years, and your drug-addict lifestyle is not conducive to proper dental hygeine....it is a coincidence that now that you are sober and on methadone that you are noticing that your teeth have been rotting the whole time. Get my drift?

 

Life is about highs, lows, and the in-betweens. On a board like this, you will likely hear more about the highs and lows, for reasons I said above. People come to write here when they are feeling emotional....not when they're having a cup of coffee and want to tell everyone about the oil change they are getting for their car later.

 

I have a writer's background and as such am very descriptive when relaying my pleasure or distaste with a situation. I am in a new relationship that thrills me, so obviously it would appear I am in a "high" or whatever you called it. Come see me when I'm at work a few hours earlier, I assure you I'd appear stressed out and not happy at all in some moments, but that's not because Im being "bipolar" today. Do you not think it is normal to feel a simliar "euphoria" from one relationship to another? I really, really loved MM so I used to gush about him yes. And when I was unhappy, I was very unhappy. I am now in a real, normal relationship and I am ecstatic about it, so when I write, I write to show how happy I am, and because I want other OW's reading to really, really understand that no matter what ups and lows they go through in their affairs, that it is possible to be so very happy with someone new and real and normal. If it would make you happy for me to come write about the cup fo tea I'm drinking right now, about how my back is hurting tomorrow after work, about how I'm bored sometimes when it gets quiet at work, I'd be happy to do so, but that is a bit dull and so I see no point to write about it. I come here, like many others, to write when I am stressed and want to vent, and thus, it is normally when I am A) very happy or B) very unhappy.

 

And as for replacing one "addiction" with another, it really irritates me when people bring up the "heroin for methadone" example. Do you work with methadone patients? because I do. I can assure you that methadone and heroin are not the same thing, and going out to cop heroin all day long is a vastly different lifestyle than take one dose of a medication once per day so that you can focus on addressing your addictive behaviour. It is no different than taking any other medication once a day. This is not the forum for me to intricately explain the psychological, physiological, biological and social basis of addiction medicine, but take my word on it that please think long and hard before making such baseless claims to people on a message board. I AM a professional in the medical world, and I scarcely make such accusations to people on these boards, because it is difficult to diagnose anything without seeing someone and I don't want to be irresponsible by giving people such ideas.

 

So to answer your underlying question, no, I do not think I am replacing anything. Do I think meeting Michael has helped me to really put that final nail in the coffin of my Affair with MM? Yes I do, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I was already nailing the coffin of MM Affair shut, slowly yet surely, I was just having some trouble putting that final nail in it. I was, as I said in my last post, actually come to a point where I was telling myself that maybe I would be better off being alone for a while from ALL men, and was actually OK with that idea.

 

I think it is perfectly normal to feel lonely when you are single sometimes, and to want to have a partner. Many people feel that way. In fact, I do not know many people who willingly want to be alone for the rest of their lives. People crave love, they crave affection and interaction in a romantic sense. Love and sex makes the world go round, and let's be honest, it's what drives most people at the end of the day. A great relationship can make the rest of life's stressors seem not as bad, and a bad one can make an otherwise great life seem dim. If I was not with Michael, I think I'd be ok. I have friends and family, and a career that takes an incredible amount of my time and focus. But , now I have this person who I adore , who feels the same way back, and it's just a nice feeling. It's not an addiction, it's not a replacement, it's just.....nice. It makes me smile. He's not even here right now, as I said, he lives pretty far away from me at the moment because of work, and so we can only see each other in person every 3 weeks or so, if not a bit less sometimes, but we make it a point to speak on skype (cheaper than phone and more fun with the video options ;-) ) nearly every single day, even if its just to say good night and "i miss you". Every morning I wake up and I have a cute email or text from him to tell me I brighten up his day just by existing....if that is a bad thing, then hell, call me an addict because he makes me bloody well smile and that is a nice thing. Addiction is a terrible thing. If you are one, have been one, or work with one, you would or should know that addicts are not happy people. They use their drugs (whether a person-drug or a drug-drug) to feel happy for a temporary time, and then they plummet back into the unhappiness that they are really trying to cover up. With Michael...I'm not trying to cover up anything. He isn't a substitute for anything....he is a wonderful complement to my life right now. I can't see him as often as I'd like right now, but that's ok, because he makes me smile just by being him, and we're ok with the long distance thing because we know if its meant to be, and we still like each other, we'll find a way to make it work eventually.

 

The difference between real love and infatuation/addiction, is that in the latter you spend your life desperately trying to keep that "high" from going away (even though you know it is a doomed endeavor), while the former is not something you have to struggle with....it is a wonderful complement to your life just as a matter of being.

 

I hope you did not take my post as insulting to you , I know that isn't how you meant it to me ( I hope ) but I find it an inherent responsibility on my part sometimes to address certain things, hopefully you understand where I am coming from, and I hope I answered your other questions.

 

Cheers

 

Love this post Kismet. I had a dear dear friend who died 3 years ago - he was bipolar. I will forever miss him. I too get so frustrated when I see posters throwing around diagnosis all the time - especially bi-polar. People should educate themselves before opening their mouth and throwing around labels.

 

ENJOY your relationship with Michael. So many of us are so happy for you - you are entitled to your happiness. Gush all you want and revel in the love you have and the love you give. I met my H a few months after my 2 year affair ended and we have been happily married for almost 13 years We married 8 months after meeting. I am sure some would think I was rebounding or whatever but I know me and I know my heart.

 

Best wishes to you on your new love. I hope you continue to scream from the roof tops how happy you are. I 100% agree with what wrote below:

 

perhaps the most important point, and one that I never wanted to listen to when I was so involved with MM....if someone REALLY, really wants to be with you, and I mean, if they can't live without you, they will find way to be with you. They will deal with the divorce, the financial difficulty, the being shunned by family and friends. If they truly want to be with you, they will go hell and high water to be with you , because you know what? Divorce happens to many people, and it's not the end of the world. It's rough, and it can cause scars, but so can living in an unhappy marriage, and if they were that miserable, they'd bloody well leave.

 

If they don't leave, they aren't miserable enough to do so. They very well may be in love with you, but that doesn't matter, because their actions say they are otherwise happy with their lives. Wasting years waiting is horrible and a waste of time, I can't even begin to tell you. When I said that my heart soars at the very picture of Michael's face when we have our little video chats because he's living far away from me right now, just seeing his face, it's incredible that feeling. And he tells me he feels the same way. And he's MINE. HE IS MINE. MY boyfriend. NOT someone else's husband. HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME AND ONLY ME. When he comes to visit me in a couple weeks, he won't be rushing home to his wife, he won't be hiding. I get to introduce him to my family and friends, I get to walk in public holding hands and kissing, I get to be a REAL couple.

 

Enjoy each and every minute of what you have!!

[IzzyB]

OWoman--

 

And as for replacing one "addiction" with another, it really irritates me when people bring up the "heroin for methadone" example. Do you work with methadone patients? because I do. I can assure you that methadone and heroin are not the same thing, and going out to cop heroin all day long is a vastly different lifestyle than take one dose of a medication once per day so that you can focus on addressing your addictive behaviour. It is no different than taking any other medication once a day. This is not the forum for me to intricately explain the psychological, physiological, biological and social basis of addiction medicine, but take my word on it that please think long and hard before making such baseless claims to people on a message board. I AM a professional in the medical world, and I scarcely make such accusations to people on these boards, because it is difficult to diagnose anything without seeing someone and I don't want to be irresponsible by giving people such ideas.

 

Cheers

 

Hi KM, congrats on being free of the MM and finding new love!! Its great that you are happy and that you posted about it so other OW know that there is hope!

Regarding Owoman's post, I dont think she was trying to be mean, i think its more like she was addressing the fact that you seem so up about this and she would hate to see you come crashing down. True that doesnt indicate bipolar d/o but i believe thats what she meant.

Regarding your post, as you know, addictions dont have to be so extreme, ie. the heroin addict/methadone example (and to be honest, Methadone IS a replacement for the heroin, just because its physiological and controlled does not mean it isnt a replacement, it is) But did OWoman even mention heroin for methadone? I dont remember that.

With addictions, there is a range from the most mild to the most extreme - heroin, crystal meth, etc, in which case, there is no middle ground. Its actually very easy to replace addictions (on a MUCH smaller scale than heroin and meth etc) and that doesnt even mean it is a dysfunctional replacement, ie, replacing smoking with an addictin to working out.

So translating her comment on replacing one addiction for another as if she is implyingyou are at the level of a heroin addict seems off the mark to me.

 

I hope you dont mind that I posted this, i in no way intend any disrespect to you, or anyone. I just thought maybe I could moderate the extreme interpretations a bit.

 

I wish you only the best and real happiness with your new man

[KismetGirl]

Hi KM, congrats on being free of the MM and finding new love!! Its great that you are happy and that you posted about it so other OW know that there is hope!

Regarding Owoman's post, I dont think she was trying to be mean, i think its more like she was addressing the fact that you seem so up about this and she would hate to see you come crashing down. True that doesnt indicate bipolar d/o but i believe thats what she meant.

Regarding your post, as you know, addictions dont have to be so extreme, ie. the heroin addict/methadone example (and to be honest, Methadone IS a replacement for the heroin, just because its physiological and controlled does not mean it isnt a replacement, it is) But did OWoman even mention heroin for methadone? I dont remember that.

With addictions, there is a range from the most mild to the most extreme - heroin, crystal meth, etc, in which case, there is no middle ground. Its actually very easy to replace addictions (on a MUCH smaller scale than heroin and meth etc) and that doesnt even mean it is a dysfunctional replacement, ie, replacing smoking with an addictin to working out.

So translating her comment on replacing one addiction for another as if she is implyingyou are at the level of a heroin addict seems off the mark to me.

 

I hope you dont mind that I posted this, i in no way intend any disrespect to you, or anyone. I just thought maybe I could moderate the extreme interpretations a bit.

 

I wish you only the best and real happiness with your new man

 

Hi there

 

First, thank you for the well wishes, I hope it continues to go well with the new guy as well, he's really amazing and I feel very lucky to have met him so far. One can't predict things, but he's really like no one I have ever met before....a true gem of a man in every way so far.

 

Yes I know OWoman, she did not mean disrespect, which is why I said I wasn't trying to be mean to her or insult her, the only reason I felt compelled to write is that I feel one must be a bit careful when they write on here sometimes....many people are very emotionally compromised when they come on here, and they may take things like what she said to heart and feel that there is something seriously wrong with them. Real mental illness is a serious thing....not the fluff that many people have reduced it to. Maybe I am focusing on semantics, but if she wrote that to someone else I would suggest writing something like "focus on the fact that you should make sure you are not using this new relationship to distract yourself from MM" rather than insinuating it's entirely possible that I have Bipolar disorder...ya know? Just saying.

 

A) yes she did mention the heroin-methadone example, go back and read her post.

 

B) I have 6+ years experience working with drug addicts and methadone clinics going back before I even went to medical school, so there isn't anything you can teach me on that topic....trust me. If it is a "substitute" , than so is any other medication used to help someone live a normal daily life. It is far from a perfect system, but I've known many people whose lives were improved by this "substitution". Part of my research interests lay in finding a better system of treating addiction, but nothing is a perfect system. If you've ever been a heroin addict or seen one in the midst of their addiction, you'll know that there is a distinct difference between using heroin and the lifestyle associated with that, and going into a clinic and taking a legal medication one time per day and going about your business. I'm not here to get into social debates on addiction medicine, so let's not go into this any further please, because it's a bit off-topic anyway.

 

C) thank you for the kind words, they're appreciated, and I hope my story in general is a help to at least some OW's out there feeling a bit dim about any positive future they can have in the romance department....I know that at times I felt a bit dim about it, and was mad at "fate" for making me feel so strongly for someone I could never have, but it looks like things finally changed and that's not something I always believed.

 

Cheers,

KG

[woinlove]

But did OWoman even mention heroin for methadone? I dont remember that.

 

Yes, see below.

 

I am concerned that you've simply replaced one addiction with another - like a Heroin addict moving onto Methadone, or an alcoholic becoming a born-again christian.

[IzzyB]

Yes, see below.

 

Thanks Wo, i didnt remember that. Well, those are two extreme

examples

[KismetGirl]

Love this post Kismet. I had a dear dear friend who died 3 years ago - he was bipolar. I will forever miss him. I too get so frustrated when I see posters throwing around diagnosis all the time - especially bi-polar. People should educate themselves before opening their mouth and throwing around labels.

 

ENJOY your relationship with Michael. So many of us are so happy for you - you are entitled to your happiness. Gush all you want and revel in the love you have and the love you give. I met my H a few months after my 2 year affair ended and we have been happily married for almost 13 years We married 8 months after meeting. I am sure some would think I was rebounding or whatever but I know me and I know my heart.

 

Best wishes to you on your new love. I hope you continue to scream from the roof tops how happy you are. I 100% agree with what wrote below:

 

 

 

Enjoy each and every minute of what you have!!

 

Thanks FO

 

It is a bit odd isn't it? I've always told myself "you can't love someone unless you know them so and so length of time", but with Michael it's quite different. Even with MM while I had an immediate attraction, I didn't get to the "love" stage until a couple years in.

 

I haven't uttered the L-word to Michael yet, because I'm not the type to do so so quickly and etc, but truth be told, every time I speak to him it takes everything in my to keep myself from saying "I love you" when Im saying goodbye. It seems like such a natural thing to want to say to him already, but i've been holding back until at least his next trip to visit me. There's no reason to rush anything, especially with the distance right now, but I can admit to myself I feel that way about him already. He's really amazing!

 

There is a fine line between listening to your gut, and being confused by your own emotions, but I hope that maybe me and Michael end up like you and your husband, happy over a decade later ;-) I suppose only time will tell! For sure I can see that the feelings go two ways right now, and that is a good start. Last time I saw him we were laying in bed one day and he was just staring at me and said "i really want to say something right now but I don't want to freak you out, so I won't." I laughed and said ok, well, I'll leave it to your judgement to tell me whatever it is when you think it's a good idea, but I'm guessing it was something along the lines of how Im feeling and we're both just being careful not to do anything "too soon". I suspect those words will come out on is next trip to visit me in a few weeks.

 

I will come back and update for sure! :-)

[KismetGirl]

Love this post Kismet. I had a dear dear friend who died 3 years ago - he was bipolar. I will forever miss him. I too get so frustrated when I see posters throwing around diagnosis all the time - especially bi-polar. People should educate themselves before opening their mouth and throwing around labels.

 

Enjoy each and every minute of what you have!!

 

PS- I am truly sorry about your friend-- I know too well how misunderstood that sort of thing is, and sadly people with those disorders don't get the treatment they really need, nor the understanding as for people unaware, it is hard to deal with them. I'm sure your friend was lucky to have someone like you who cared, but sometimes it's just....difficult. I don't think people try to be malicious about it or anything....there are just a lot of misconceptions out there, which is why when i see something like this, I tend to jump in and take an opportunity to try to educate people a little bit. I don't mean to come off as condescending or anything, so I apologise to OWoman or anyone else if I do, but I have good intentions with it. There are people out there who sadly get misdiagnosed, and there are quack doctors out there who don't deserve to have a medical degree, but it is what it is and I hope that at least I can be someone who contributes positively, even if it's giving a bit of info on a message board to people I'll never meet ;-)

[KismetGirl]

Honestly, Michael's willingness to just look the other way at your continued contact (in any form) with your ex-MM baffles me. How anyone in his situation could feel - anything - other than seething hatred towards the person who had you "on the side" for god knows how many years with a wife and kids at home is... absurd. Especially knowing that this guy still wants you, and expresses noticeable jealousy at your relationship. I'm gobsmacked at how passive an attitude he has in regards to it; I'd be either outright disgusted or, more likely, brandish a fake smile and offer to give his wife a phone call.

 

You really have a keeper here.

 

Honestly? I don't think Michael has a hateful bone in his body. He's incredibly easy going, kind, funny and straight-forward. He can get irritated like anyone else, but he is not vindictive, jealous or an angry person and I love that about him. He said, as I indicated, that he wasn't comfortable meeting MM and didn't really care to meet him himself, and I'm sure he wouldn't be crying if I said I never spoke to MM again, but on the other end, he isn't going to judge me for something that happened in the past. He knows I'm a good person who made a poor decision. He trusts me.....I think that's a beautiful thing. We have this amazing ability to communicate with one another right now which is why I think this relationship is progressing so well. We've been so honest with each other about everything. Why should he hate MM? MM didn't abuse me , molest me, rape me, or anything of the sort. I was a willing and voluntary participant in this affair. Why waste energy on hating MM? Hate is a exhausting emotion and is useless in this situation.

 

I am with Michael. He has no fears of me going back to MM. I mean, MM is, for all intensive purposes, an "ex" of mine (albeit in an affair, but nonetheless.) People often remain on friendly terms with their exes, do they not? Michael is on good terms with nearly every woman he's seriously dated, as far as he's explained to me. Michael's last serious girlfriend, for instance, he dated her for three years, and moved halfway around the world to be with her at the time. I'm sure he loved her then. She actually lives in the same city as him right now, so she's a lot closer to him geographically than I am at the moment, and while they don't see each other often, he told me that they occasionally still speak and very rarely will see each other in social situations as they still share mutual friends. At first I was slightly irked or a bit jealous, and worried, but that was because it was a new relationship and I was still insecure about how much he liked me. But, jealousy is petty, and I knew I had to give him trust or this wouldn't work, so I did, and now it doesn't bother me anymore. As with Michael and MM, I can't say I have an intense desire to MEET Michael's ex-girlfriend or be best friends with her or something, but it doesn't bother me that they remain friends. I think in some ways the fact that he is able to stay friends with most of his exes says something about him as a person....he's a good man, and if relationships don't romantically work out, they hold no ill-will towards him. Truth be told, I'd probably be more worried if all his exes despised him and thought he was an a**hole, because I'd start to wonder if he's a nice guy in the beginning and then turns into something all these women hate. But they don't.....all his exes are friendly with him, and in a weird way that's a good thing. As I said earlier in this thread, I joked with him once that if he ever had an urge to cheat on me, to please tell me so we could figure out why and try to fix it, and he said point blank, "Look....I never cheated on the women who made me miserable, why the hell would I cheat on someone like you who makes me deliriously happy?".

 

It all boils down to trust and respect, and we have that for each other, so much so that I do not fear any other woman. I , more than many other women, should be worried about those things because I have seen just how easy it is for someone to lie to their wife for 6 years, and yet it has made me the opposite....it has made me realise that rather than focus my efforts on being paranoid and jealous, I should focus them on making my relationship the best it can be....because if he and I are truly happy together, we should have no reason to look elsewhere, and if he DID cheat on me....do you really think paranoia and jealousy would make him refrain from doing so (and vice versa)? I would think that kind of environement would drive a person crazy and make then want to cheat even more lol.

 

Trust and communication, the key to a good relationship, I think. So far so good.

 

I don't know if your last line was sarcastic or not, but yeah, he really is a keeper. He's amazing, and I can't even say that enough.....so I'll say it over and over until everyone gets sick of hearing it :-)

[KismetGirl]

Hi Kismet! Wow, just peeked in Loveshack for a min and I saw your post. I was really moved by your post. Dont know if you remember my story, but I too had a mm for 6 years. Mine moved out 4 times, ( if I remember right : ) Until the day came where i said enough. I went out on a date with a sm. I started falling for this single man, he was very much like your Micheal. My mm got jealous too. The difference was , my mm didnt know anything for about 9 months. After he found out, he stepped up his game. He stood at my door, daily... He filed for Divorce... He moved in with me. Its been 6 months... I let me sm go.... I still get text from him 2 a week, he said he understood why I went back... I felt after 6 years, we were on the last chapter, and we never finshed... so I felt I had to step back in order to move forward. So I am on the opposite end of you... You moved forward with the new man, I steppped back. Life has been wierd. I cant say I am 100 % happy. I see so much more today... Cant say I feel this will last forever. As a affair partner , he was fun, loving , and exciting... intense. As a life partner, Im bored to death most days. He is not easy to live with. moody tries to be controlling.. and many days I miss the sm i let go. Part of me feels, I have to stay, after all we went through, after his divorce, I owe it to him. So Kimet, I believe your on the right track. I wish you well, and dont look back : )

 

Mino! Hi yes , of course I remember you :-)

 

I am sorry to hear that it's not going as you'd hoped....but that was a risk wsn't it. I wonder the same thing sometimes, if me and my MM had to be in a relationship, I wonder if we'd get along as well as we do as friends or as affair partners.

 

In an affair you aren't really "with" someone are you. You get that excitement or sneaking around and having something taboo, but being with someone si something else entirely.

 

Especially with someone going through a divorce....there's one thing I've learned, irrespective of the affair, that it is never a good idea to date someone on the rebound....whether that is from a marriage, or even a girlfriend, men and women really should have breaks after serious relationships before they move onto a new one.

 

Not trying to start a new thread within a thread here, but I have to say I agree with the other posters replying to you....if you are not happy, you should not stay with him. Guilt and obligation is a terrible, terrible reason to stay with someone. He is an adult and he made his decisions knowing that nothing is certain. If he left his marriage, it should be because he was unhappy there....and NOT to be with someone else. A fine line distinction, but an important one nonetheless. Relationships should be about being a complement to one another, and not a reliance or dependence on one another, right?

 

You only have one life Mino....just one. Wasting time with someone just because you feel obligated is wasting that life. If you feel you have given if your all and he is not what you expected, then you need to do what is best for you. Maybe he'll resent you for that, but it isn't being selfish, because you're doing him a favour by not giving him another relationship that is doomed for failure. If you guys are really meant to be together, then taking a break from each other will show that to you. If you break up and you find yourself happier without him, you're really not missing anything are you?

 

i don't know if you're having an issue of being bored by something that isn't a "chase" anymore, or if MM was just better in small doses in an affair rather than as a boyfriend, but I think its entirely possible that he's not ready to be in a relatinship, period.

 

If I were you I would at the least take a break and live apart. This is too much, too quickly, being forced into something when he is likely going through some serious emotional introspection. Have you discussed the unhappiness you are having with him? That might help to shed some light on the situation, and of course you owe it to each other to communicate, but if you're really not happy after you've tried to talk about it and work on what is lacking.....if guilt and obligation are the only reasons left keeping you there.....I would say those are not good enough reasons to stay.

 

One life to live....good luck.

[Carrot2000]

He's amazing, and I can't even say that enough.....so I'll say it over and over until everyone gets sick of hearing it :-)

 

YAY for single, available men!:bunny:

[Sebestiano]

I must admit KismetGirl, when I first came across your little plight... I thought you were the biggest airheaded idiot in the history of infidelity.

 

You constantly threw yourself at MM like a lovesick puppy, considered asking about his wife a "morbid curiosity", and consistently put her down in your little rants - "she's apparently dull...", or "I KNOW he finds me more attractive than her...", and honestly, I considered you a moron. The typical twenty-something thinking she's god's gift due to pulling a married man, who let's be honest, bent you over with a few easy words and kept you on the side for sultry sex and dirty pictures, all the while making babies with his wife. A shoulder to cry on about life's many difficulties becomes a body to have fun with when the sex gets stale at home. Tragic, but not uncommon at all. Plenty of men do it and plenty of women lower themselves to oblige.

 

I say this as a man who has both been there and done that, and probably with a twenty-something boasting a little more self respect than you - it's not hard.

 

But here's what really yanks my chain. I don't think you've learned a thing. I think the only reason you've not cleaned the slate (cut contact completely with MM) for the sake of little Mikey... is because we both know you're a weak willed girl, and heaven forbid something go wrong, I think you'd go running back to him in a heartbeat. Utterly pathetic.

 

But alas, those were floating thoughts, coming and going. I personally don't think you deserve this apparent happiness, to be brutally honest, but karma has a very keen eye.

 

What you did to your MM's ignorant family is fairly revolting, heightened by your ineresting little refusal to cut him loose. I can't imagine what his wife or children have done to warrant their husband and father frothing after you, after and during all these years. What a horrible role model.

 

He's clearly a gnat of a man for wanting his sad little mistress on the side even after you've finally grown the f*** up, but I'm confident your newfound idyllic existence will be met with some less than flattering consequences somewhere down the line.

 

And when it does, I hope you enjoy your loneliness. You'll still have a married moron willing to make you his second best tool again.

 

You certainly deserve it.

 

Sebastiano

[whichwayisup]

Sebastiano , that was such an uncalled for and rude reply. Why even bother?

You joined LS just to tell Kismet off?

 

She has an opportunity with someone else and is happy.

 

Life goes on.

[Sebestiano]

What on earth are you talking about? I'm the only person in five pages of unhealthy OW sympathizing to call out the simple truth.

 

I'd say it's the most valid reply out of the lot. She's done nothing in five years aside from throw herself on this man's complete mercy, with full knowledge of the fact that he is a) married, b) actively having children with his wife, and c) having the courtesy to detail every moment of it on a public forum. Nothing more than a petulant child wallowing in self pity. You chose to be second best, and you were fully aware of that never changing fact. That's prideless. No self respecting woman, or man for the matter, settles for a static state of second best. He used you like both a sexual and emotional tool, and now you've finally grown a spine, is riddled with jealousy.

 

I wouldn't care, honestly, but even without knowing the guy, I know that Michael deserves a little better. Despite what he says, despite his "approval" - you're an absolute idiot for not cutting contact with ex-MM. He put you through a hell you willingly took part in, and if you had even a shred of respect or hope for this relationship, you'd cut all ties with that disgusting part of your history. You have a chance to create something beautiful and special with Mikey boy, and regardless of your petty excuses as to why you can't cut ex-MM loose, Michael shouldn't have the stigma. It isn't fair on him and it sure as hell isn't fair on said MM's wife and kids. If you're too weak to do it for yourself, then for the love of god, do it for Michael.

 

He's a man. You had a long standing affair with another man, and still keep in contact with him. Despite him still wanting you. Despite you still being attracted to him.

 

I don't care what the hell Mikey says, it would damn well bother anyone. Show a little decency for once in five years and cut him loose. Prove to your boyfriend that you're worth it, because you sure as heck aren't convincing me.

 

That's better advice for her than any given one of you has cared to put forward.

[whichwayisup]

If you had read my replys to her, you'd see that I am one for her ending the friendship with him completely and only keep it professional as she has to see him time to time due to work. I give you that and yes, I do agree that keeping exMM in her life as a friend is not fair to Michael.

 

With that said, I do believe as time goes on, she will change her mind as she grows even closer with Michael, and see that exMM has no place in her life.

 

THe part I was talking about was you name calling and calling her an idiot. IF you want to get through to someone, calling them an idiot or along those lines isn't going to be received well, that's all.

[lovingwhatis]

And what are you, Sebastian, God's gift to humanity?

[Mimolicious]

KG, see! I'm so happy for you! You deserve to be the one and only!

Good luck and enjoy getting to love and be loved by Michael.

 

[Mimolicious]

Just ignore Falsebestiano. I wonder the motive...

[twinsmom]

Just ignore Falsebestiano. I wonder the motive...

 

 

What she said..

[Confused4Now]

I must admit KismetGirl, when I first came across your little plight... I thought you were the biggest airheaded idiot in the history of infidelity.

 

You constantly threw yourself at MM like a lovesick puppy, considered asking about his wife a "morbid curiosity", and consistently put her down in your little rants - "she's apparently dull...", or "I KNOW he finds me more attractive than her...", and honestly, I considered you a moron. The typical twenty-something thinking she's god's gift due to pulling a married man, who let's be honest, bent you over with a few easy words and kept you on the side for sultry sex and dirty pictures, all the while making babies with his wife. A shoulder to cry on about life's many difficulties becomes a body to have fun with when the sex gets stale at home. Tragic, but not uncommon at all. Plenty of men do it and plenty of women lower themselves to oblige.

 

I say this as a man who has both been there and done that, and probably with a twenty-something boasting a little more self respect than you - it's not hard.

 

But here's what really yanks my chain. I don't think you've learned a thing. I think the only reason you've not cleaned the slate (cut contact completely with MM) for the sake of little Mikey... is because we both know you're a weak willed girl, and heaven forbid something go wrong, I think you'd go running back to him in a heartbeat. Utterly pathetic.

 

But alas, those were floating thoughts, coming and going. I personally don't think you deserve this apparent happiness, to be brutally honest, but karma has a very keen eye.

 

He's clearly a gnat of a man for wanting his sad little mistress on the side even after you've finally grown the f*** up, but I'm confident your newfound idyllic existence will be met with some less than flattering consequences somewhere down the line.

 

And when it does, I hope you enjoy your loneliness. You'll still have a married moron willing to make you his second best tool again.

 

You certainly deserve it.

 

Sebastiano

Explain to me how this is respectful, helpful and supportive? I don't believe this is suppose to be the spirit of the forum in bold?