After 5 year Affair, multiple attempts at NC, Depression.....SUCCESS!!!!

[KismetGirl]

I hope this Michael fellow knows what he is dealing with. NPD can be very tough on a partner.

 

I will just assume here that you are attempting to make yourself feel special and knowledgeable by using hip abbreviations for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which I'm throwing out there so anyone unaware as to that initial set can follow. Considering I'm sure you haven't got any clue what NPD is aside from your grand experience with wikipedia articles you should probably keep your useless commentary to yourself. No one here is interested in your amateur psychology ramblings, though I'd wager to say I have plenty of patients like you. Reflection is a terrible thing-- don't forget to speak to your therapist about this problem you're having. If you actually have a career in mental health then I am equally sad that anyone has to deal with you and the dime-store degree you abuse. Either way your comments are useless.

 

As for Michael-- It's been almost two years and he's pretty happy and he's a big boy and has thus far decided for himself to stay where he is in this relationship. You, on the other hand, are apparently such a miserable human being that your greatest pleasure in life comes from attempting to insult someone you know nothing about. I suppose that means I should pity you-- which I do. Only truly sad people have nothing better to do than spend their time online trying to insult people they've no clue about when it is not warranted.

 

Pathetic. Blocked. Have a lovely day and stop wasting my time and that of anyone else who comes here to retain something positive in their lives. I would highly suggest anyone else reading this to ignore you-- I'll be doing just that, in addition to reporting you for violation of terms. Byebye.

 

For anyone else coming here for some actual hope-- as always, there is always hope. The above poster is a good example of the negativity that unfortunately comes with the territory of being in a public forum, but do NOT let these types of people ruin your day. Some people are bitter and lost and can't understand that people move forward with their lives and for the better. It is the sad person that has to bring everyone else down with them. Good day all the rest!

[KismetGirl]

Thanks for clarifying! That's great to hear! And shows that there's still hope for me yet.

 

Girl there is ALWAYS hope as long as YOU don't give up hope on yourself. Only when you start to believe that you can't get better or don't deserve better is all hope lost. Most people are good people, and even good people make mistakes and do things that even they would not have thought they'd do. If you could only hear the secrets in people's minds....you'd be shocked how many "good" people do some terrible things, far far worse than having an affair. Don't let anyone tell you that because you go through a rough period that it can't get better-- it can. I've been through the depths of depression and back, sometimes fearing I'd never be happy, and I am, knock on wood, happier than I've ever been aside from my stressful days. And everyone has those, its normal. Sometimes I want to kill Michael, but for every day Im mad at him I have 30 that Im so grateful we found each other because Im in love, TRULY in love with someone good for me, I'd wager for the first time since I was a teen. Took me way too long to figure out what a healthy relationship was despite all my other intelligence, but we learn a lot as we grow up, even when we are already adults.

 

Best of luck to you in whatever you are going through-- it does get better but you have to keep trying.

[Spark1111]

Kismetly, good luck to you and your future!

 

Be proud of yourself and your success.

 

It is a long and arduous process to heal.

 

What was among the most valuable advice you received here?

 

What was the least valuable?

 

I know that when I was in real pain, my ears weren't necessarily all that open.

[Hazyhead]

Hi KG! I sometimes come for a lurk back here, being a former regular poster and the threads I like to read most are the ones in which someone who I once read the struggles of, has now moved forwards. You sound so much more realistic about the affair now, what it was, and what he gave you. It's a good phase to reach I'm happy for you in your current relationship and that he makes you feel good.

 

It's almost like it was another person/you, I bet.

[KismetGirl]

Kismetly, good luck to you and your future!

 

Be proud of yourself and your success.

 

It is a long and arduous process to heal.

 

What was among the most valuable advice you received here?

 

What was the least valuable?

 

I know that when I was in real pain, my ears weren't necessarily all that open.

 

Hey Spark

 

I am proud of myself, even though I know I have a ways to go, but I mean that sort of in the sense that life is a continuously learning process anyway. I'm sure when I'm pushing 40 I'll look back on me pushing 30 and feel like I've learned so much, just like I did between 30 and 20.

 

As for most valuable advice, it's hard to say because there were so many postings I can't remember them all anymore (though I do remember the "faces" that came over and over trying to help no matter how much I resisted, which Im grateful).

 

I suppose at times I was just happy to have people that I could discuss the issue with and let it all get out. I have great friends for that too, of course, but sometimes people want anonymity and a greater scope of experiences to compare to. I do have to stress, however, that it was the POSITIVE people who helped me most, even if they disagreed with me.

 

I'm sure some people respond to the "tough love" thing, but I never did. I appreciate people who disagree with me if they do it in a way that isn't assuming I'm some idiot-- most of the time I was well aware of what I was doing, I just couldn't muster the emotional strength to change, and when you're so upset you try to rationalise everything even when you know it's bad for you. Some people here were incredibly patient and there for me even though I kept doing the same thing over and over, and they gave me their stories, and their advice and their ideas, and in the end all I needed was just that-- to have the support of people, and their outlook on things, whether they agreed with what I did or not, so long as it was respectful.

 

I genuinly appreciated most the people who said, hey, I don't agree with what you are doing, I think it's bad for you, but I understand why you are doing it, and I understand why you are being this way. JJ, WhichWayIsUp, Owl, jw171, and many more that I am not mentioning, but i hope know that I am grateful to them all even if I dont have the ability to list all of them by name at this very minute. Even people who, I'm sure, had memories of being hurt by my story that themselves had been cheated on, and still were kind enough to understand that at the end of the day most of us are not bad people and didn't seek to hurt anyone.

 

It took me a long time to really, really acknowledge that my MM was the most selfish one here. He really was, and continues to do so. You would think that he would learn his lesson, and he just never did. I know he loves his wife and kids, and everyone can make a mistake, but him....after I stopped my affair I thought perhaps he might end up fooling around with some new person, but I also thought that he was honestly so scared of our last D-Day and his wife divorcing him that MAYBE after getting caught so many times with me he'd learn his lesson.

 

Turns out that I find out that , even though I was the first one, I was not the last one and after me he had some little flings with one or two others and got caught AGAIN. He's apparently not very good at this secrecy and lying thing....Looking from the outside in, for once, it was so apparent how pathetic he had become. I still thought he was a physically attractive man, a good person in the grand scheme of life, and occasionally pitied him, but now I just think he's a selfish bast*rd. I feel bad for his wife, who probably can't admit to herself that he's done this to her. For once I thought about what everyone said to me and started to wonder how I would really feel if I was her. I imagined being married to Michael and finding out , when we had three kids, that he was cheating on me, and it was a horrible feeling.

 

I guess sometimes when you are so emotionally in a hole, you can't see beyond your own feelings. At the end of the day he's the most culpable here because he was the one with the emotional responsibility to her, but I have to tell myself that I shouldn't be the kind of person that contributes to the pain of another person I don't even know like that, regardless of whether or not her marriage problems are partially her fault, because it's none of my business.

 

People here tried to tell me that, and I was resistant. Years later I remember and I appreciate that they did not give up on me and believed that even though I was making a mistake that this didn't make me a bad person, just a temporarily confused one. The people here who made the most difference for me were the ones who were firm but understanding. The ones that did not judge me but who, despite not even knowing who I was in real life, took time out of their day to let me know that other human beings out there gave a damn that I was in pain, and to keep giving me hope that one day I'd see more clearly and have the strength to change things.

 

And eventually, I did change things. It's likely a combination of maturity, growing older and wiser, etc etc, and just experience. I've always been such an independent person, an intelligent person, that it was hard to admit when I'd really gone and effed things up. Sometimes its hard for me to reccomend sites like these because I remember how emotionally fragile I felt at times, and realise how many people who come here are even more fragile than I ever was. It makes me sad to see people insult and berate women, calling them horrid names just because they've made a mistake, rather than positively encouraging them to do the right thing. I understand the anger and bitterness of some people-- but being wronged gives a person no more right to belittle someone else who at one time was in the wrong. People who come here, on both sides, need to remember that their situations may suck, but the OW or OM on this website is not always some monster out to hurt every BS but are oftentimes otherwise good people who make mistakes in life. If they are anything like me, I assure you they learn from them, and for the better.

 

I can't say I regret my affair-- regret, as I've said, is a wasted emotion. No use to sit and punish yourself mentally over and over, but, it is important to learn. Everything I've done in my life has made me the person who I am today, good or bad, and I like to think it all happened for a reason. Maybe so I would appreciate my own relationships more one day, or maybe so I could understand what other peope did wrong and try to avoid those same mistakes. Who knows.

 

All I know is that in the end, I found the right thing to do, and I will be foreveer grateful to the many KIND people, even the ones who were a tiny bit rough with me, who kept trying to give support. I hope that in some way I can continue to give some hope to others that will come back in time to read up my story. I feel like often times there is so much despair on here and that is definitely not the outcome for everyone-- there's always hope if you allow yourself to believe you deserve better, no matter how low you thik you've gotten. Thanks for the kind words! I don't know if that was a good response, and god knows it was way too long as usual. sorry about that ;-)