After 5 year Affair, multiple attempts at NC, Depression.....SUCCESS!!!!

[Sebestiano]

While I'm sure my super ultra secret motive is a great hook to chew on (I bet it is, really), the opinion of the esteemed "bit on the side" community is sadly not something I care to tend to.

 

Call it tough love. She doesn't need support, she needs a head exam. Having followed this bad teen drama she calls her "life" every step of the way so far, I'm perplexed. She won't listen to a single one of you "yes" women; if she had half a brain she would've grabbed this Michael by the balls, planted a kiss on his lips and cut all ties with the married man she's still attracted to. Who still has feelings for her. And she would've made sure they both know she's never going to that dark little place. The future with her new man should be all that matters.

 

Moronic. I think she's keeping that door open as a rebound tactic. There is no other excuse for it. They were not a legitimate couple, and therefore he is not an "ex" she should look back fondly upon. He was a married man she f****** around with in her spare time while he made babies with wifey. It wrecked her mental state and almost cost her her career. And yet still she fought on, for the much coveted spot of "second best".

 

Oh, and another thing. If one goes to a somewhat prestigious job interview, they conveniently leave out that they drink beer while watching the rugby. They play up their own achievements and abilities, or outright lie. It's called face saving.

 

Why, exactly, would I need to save face around any of you?

[jj33]

I must admit KismetGirl, when I first came across your little plight... I thought you were the biggest airheaded idiot in the history of infidelity.

 

You constantly threw yourself at MM like a lovesick puppy, considered asking about his wife a "morbid curiosity", and consistently put her down in your little rants - "she's apparently dull...", or "I KNOW he finds me more attractive than her...", and honestly, I considered you a moron. What you did to your MM's ignorant family is fairly revolting, heightened by your ineresting little refusal to cut him loose. I can't imagine what his wife or children have done to warrant their husband and father frothing after you, after and during all these years. What a horrible role model.

 

He's clearly a gnat of a man for wanting his sad little mistress on the side even after you've finally grown the f*** up, but I'm confident your newfound idyllic existence will be met with some less than flattering consequences somewhere down the line.

 

And when it does, I hope you enjoy your loneliness. You'll still have a married moron willing to make you his second best tool again.

 

You certainly deserve it.

 

Sebastiano

 

Sebastiano as you just joined in February 2011? You must have been so busy to have read all of the many many pages recorded in KG (one of the most popular posters' threads). I suspect you are another poster reincarnated.

 

Leave it alone whoever you are. Put the socks away.

[jthorne]

Well, I certainly wouldn't say it they way Sebestiano has, but I'll second once again, that it's disrespectful at best to keep contact with xMM. And while Michael may say he's okay with it right now, he may not be later.

 

I don't know why KG is still in contact with xMM. I can guess, but they would be just that- guesses.

 

Whether or not Michael is a keeper or not, only time will tell. But xMM is definitely NOT a keeper, so he needs to go.

[KismetGirl]

Don't worry guys....as soon as I saw Sebastian's idiot commentary I skimmed over it and forgot about it. Only a pretty pathetically small man, in many senses of the word, would feel so morbidly horrid about his own life that the only way he can foster "advice" is to insult someone who is obviously trying to move on. If he only joined this website in Feb 2011 and has already read ALL my threads from the beginning, I am either skeptical or beyond impressed at his intricate speed-reading abilities (that's sarcasm for Sebby-boy, ya know, in case he missed that.) That or he is, as JJ said, some other poster reincarnated, wasting what little pathetic life he has coming to insult people he doesn't even know. lol.

 

Some people are of the "never forgive" mentality. Obviously, we all know I'm neither a moron, nor an airhead, and I'd giggle a little inside if Sebastian knew or realised that many physicians that have treated him have their own personal dramas because...you know....we're human beings and make mistakes, and our intelligence hasn't got anything to do with it.

 

I won't waste another breath on him, and if he puts up another post, he's going on ignore, so don't sweat it. He isn't worth paying any more attention to than a gnat....an annoyance in the background.

 

It is impossible for me to cut off ALL ties with MM due to our work relationship, this much we all know. Should I sever friendly ties? Maybe. But what's the point of making it hostile when we have to interact anyway? Im not going out to romantic dinners and staying out all night with him. We have a chat on the phone now and again, and sometimes during our work shift we grab lunch together. Big deal. Last time I saw him despite admitting he is an attractive man, I had no desire for him whatsoever. I mean, if Sebastian believes that someone becomes physically unattractive because you break up with them, the only airhead I see is unabashedly not me. Just because I can objectively identify MM as attractive doesn't mean I'm going to fall back into bed with him. I started that affair when I was barely into my 20's and I'm around the 30 mark nowadays....if you all were the same person from early 20's to almost 30 I'd be surprised. I've learned a lot over time and I can't see myself going back to MM. Ever. There's no sexual desire anymore, no desperate longing....just a friendly fondness. And what's wrong with that? Am I expected to hate him out of the blue? I don't think that's possible, really, if we're being realistic. We've gotten past this already. We get along, we have to work together, I see no reason for us to hate each other. He's being respectful of my relationship despite inwardly knowing he still cares for me, and it is what it is.

 

I'm focused on Michael now, and if it didn't work out with Michael, I wouldn't go back to an affair for the simple reason that it's shown me that I can really, really care for someone BESIDES MM, and I hadn't felt that way in quite some time I'm afraid.

 

All the naysayers on this board, it's become painfully apparent that anyone who comes on a board like this to do nothing but insult and be abrasive and totally moronic themselves, I've got to feel some pity for....people like Sebastian must be sad, sad little people. Pity, pity, that's all I have for people like him, to be so very angry at someone they don't even know, that calls for a vapid delusion of one's ability to perceive reality.

 

Gee....I sound like such an airhead huh?

 

Thanks for the positive words to everyone else. I think I am going about things at a proper pace. I'm hiding nothing from Michael. He is friends with girls who still have a thing for him and I don't flip out because I am confident that he doesn't want them. He can have that same confidence in my being social with someone like MM, who fancies me, but with whom I have evolved into a different relationship altogether. There's no jealousy in this relationship, only total honestly and communication so far. Maybe that's not for everyone, but for us it is working perfectly. So....yeah, that's about it. GOOD THOUGHTS! I should enjoy my night off....I so rarely get one anymore....will be back later

[pole_cat]

Lol, no , I'm laughing because you're an idiot. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, caring physician in residency, with a great career, wonderful friends and family, and now an amazing, perfect boyfriend, and I've never been happier.

 

You , on the other hand, are a sad and pathetic loser who has nothing better to do than insult someone you've never met.

 

I pity you. Your life must be really sad. Have you been cheated on? You know what, don't answer that, because I don't care. Because that doesn't give you a right to be an a**hole.

 

And you are now going on ignore, so feel free to write whatever you want, but you will be blocked, ignored, and eventually reported to the board moderators for harassment. Have a lovely day, this will be my last response to you.

 

Wow! How did you get through medical school in two years?

[jthorne]

KG,

I've been thinking about this. Please accept my apologies if I have come of as one of the nay-sayers. I am just afraid the continued contact with xMM may ultimately be self-sabotaging.

 

Have you considered that maybe Michael is really uncomfortable with your contact with him, but doesn't feel like he can say so? Have you also considered that the continued contact with xMM allows you to rub Michael in his face? Not saying you are doing that, but the thought has crossed my mind. I am not making judgments about your intentions, but please think about this: the next time you feel you can discuss it, would you consider telling Michael that if he ever becomes uncomfortable with your contact with xMM to tell you and you will cease that contact immediately? Can you make that kind of promise and keep it?

[whichwayisup]

Good question there J.

 

If she can just keep things at a minimium with exMM, only see and speak to him in professional situations, and cut out the coffee's/lunches/phone calls and personal chit chat, then it would be better. Though, I figure this will just happen naturally as time goes on and her and Michael get more serious.

 

I do think that Michael is letting her do what she wants, because he doesn't want to come across as controlling or tell her what to do, who to be friends with etc.. Though I'm sure when the time comes K distances herself even more from exMM, Michael will appreciate it alot.

[KismetGirl]

Wow! How did you get through medical school in two years?

 

.....I just literally started residency/intern last year. Im trying to keep it a bit anonymous by not being totally accurate with my age which is why I say things like 20-ish-something or 30-ish-something and am not totally up front with exact ages/years, etc and other identifying info. Glad to see you're focusing on the important things, though. Thanks for that substantial bit of contribution to the conversation. Ciao.

[KismetGirl]

KG,

I've been thinking about this. Please accept my apologies if I have come of as one of the nay-sayers. I am just afraid the continued contact with xMM may ultimately be self-sabotaging.

 

Have you considered that maybe Michael is really uncomfortable with your contact with him, but doesn't feel like he can say so? Have you also considered that the continued contact with xMM allows you to rub Michael in his face? Not saying you are doing that, but the thought has crossed my mind. I am not making judgments about your intentions, but please think about this: the next time you feel you can discuss it, would you consider telling Michael that if he ever becomes uncomfortable with your contact with xMM to tell you and you will cease that contact immediately? Can you make that kind of promise and keep it?

 

All valid points/questions. I actually did tell Michael to just say the word and if it bothered him I'd stop speaking to exMM altogether (barring work things which makes it a bit hard but I digress), and he said he was ok with it, so , Im believing him I guess.

 

I was having a conversation about this with a girlfriend last night and I told her that I thought perhaps ceasing communication with exMM at one point when I haven't got to work with him anymore might be a good idea and it's something Im seriously considering but haven't quite gotten to that point yet I guess? I don't know. I know Im not at risk to start up with him again and that's heads and tails of where I was mentally even a few months ago I suppose....so it's a start.

 

So , yes, I did offer that to Michael , and said if he ever wanted to just say the word, and if he did I'd keep my promise.

[KismetGirl]

Good question there J.

 

If she can just keep things at a minimium with exMM, only see and speak to him in professional situations, and cut out the coffee's/lunches/phone calls and personal chit chat, then it would be better. Though, I figure this will just happen naturally as time goes on and her and Michael get more serious.

 

I do think that Michael is letting her do what she wants, because he doesn't want to come across as controlling or tell her what to do, who to be friends with etc.. Though I'm sure when the time comes K distances herself even more from exMM, Michael will appreciate it alot.

 

I think you pretty much nailed it on the head here with everything WWIU.

 

I'm phasing him out, bit by bit. Discussed with my friend last night that I felt as me and Michael got more serious that I might really have to totally cut everything off because despite him trying to be a good boyfriend, and not seem controlling by letting me keep up the friendship, they'd likely be really...uncomfortable, to say the least, should they ever be in a room together so I think if it gets to a point where me and Michael are getting more serious and things, I'd have no choice but to cut off MM on a personal level entirely, but I think im slowly getting there anyway.

[pole_cat]

.....I just literally started residency/intern last year. Im trying to keep it a bit anonymous by not being totally accurate with my age which is why I say things like 20-ish-something or 30-ish-something and am not totally up front with exact ages/years, etc and other identifying info. Glad to see you're focusing on the important things, though. Thanks for that substantial bit of contribution to the conversation. Ciao.

 

Your post circa September 26th, 2009

 

...doing everything myself sometimes....Ive been fiercely independant my whole life but lately I just want a break!

 

Anyway, things got a little stressful this year and I decided I needed to wait ,

so

Im

taking MCAT in jan 2010 now. Four months ! Argh~ thten will submit application next year. It gives me some extra time to study and, more importantly, save up some direly needed moolah.

 

It's cool, I've been keeping busy. Have been going out ALOT more than I was for a while. I think I was out till 6 in the morning every night from Wed to Sunday last week, and somehow still went to work. Nutter.

Im

being pulled in ten million directions between work, studying, family, friends but...

[Mimolicious]

Your post circa September 26th, 2009

...doing everything myself sometimes....Ive been fiercely independant my whole life but lately I just want a break!

 

Anyway, things got a little stressful this year and I decided I needed to wait ,

so

Im

taking MCAT in jan 2010 now. Four months ! Argh~ thten will submit application next year. It gives me some extra time to study and, more importantly, save up some direly needed moolah.

 

It's cool, I've been keeping busy. Have been going out ALOT more than I was for a while. I think I was out till 6 in the morning every night from Wed to Sunday last week, and somehow still went to work. Nutter.

Im

being pulled in ten million directions between work, studying, family, friends but...

 

Whoa! Really?

Pole, what have YOU been doing since July 2009? There must be mad poles in your hood (11 post later) to climb...

You went through all that searching?

[Shocking Pink]

Maybe Polecat is the angry, jilted MM?

[steelknife]

LOL!??

 

So SOON? I'm not sure if you read my whole post, or you just skimmed, which is understandable as it is bloody long....but after our last D-Day I did not see him again for 17 WHOLE MONTHS. I would not say that is a short time or "so soon", would you?

 

Regardless the point of this posting was to show that, yeah, I was miserable before, but I have a wonderful, amazing, perfect boyfriend now that treats me like a princess without me even trying, begging, or rationalising.

 

If I can find it so can anyone. You will eventually look back on your situation and be glad you are no longer in it, and you WILL find a situation that is better, and a man who can give you the 100% devotion you deserve. I did, and it feels amazingly wonderful. Best of luck to you :-)

 

im so sorry kmg. my apologies.

[KismetGirl]

Hi everyone

 

Long time no see/speak/post

 

My life is, right now, busy to say the least so not much time for online postings sometimes. I had a sort of ....how to describe....maybe just a daydream down memory lane tonight in the midst of being sick and tired of reviewing things for work and I thoguht of this site and how much some of the people here really helped me keep my sanity at times, even though I'd never met any of you.

 

There are many on this site who just the same tried to make me feel horrible when I was already down, and I will never understand people like that, but for those that helped (you know who you are) , I am eternally grateful for your insight.

 

I hope that if anyone ever came here in my past situation (being the OW or OM) and read my story, that they got some hope out of it.

 

It's been what seems like forever since I first came here, in the midst of an affair of my xMM, feeling like I'd never be able to leave. Feeling like I'd never love anyone like I loved him, feeling like no one would ever make me feel the same way again, and of course I was wrong. But I'm only human, after all, and emotions make it difficult to be rational at times.

 

I hope that for anyone feeling desperate and alone, that you can take some solace in knowing it won't stay that way.....IF you don't let it stay that way.

 

For every one story you hear where the mistress and the married man end up happily together, I assure you there are thousands that don't. It's by far the rare event for affairs to have happy endings. And why would you want someone damaged? Why would you want someone who you had to CONVINCE to leave his wife, who know has alimony and child support payments, who will never have you as their focus anyway?

 

I met a man who I mentioned here last post, named Michael, and I am still with this man today. We're pushing on and later this year we will have our TWO YEAR anniversary. If you had asked me two years ago if I thought I'd be with him, I'd probably still have thought that I'd be longing for xMM and feeling no one would ever love me.

 

It's a long road, I have to tell you, and not an easy one. Me and Michael have our problems, as with any relationship....and one of the reasons I thought about this website was because I was considering posting on the relationship boards for advice on some relationship concerns I have (nothing serious just growing pains of any relationship i suppose/stress), but for the most part we are pretty happy, in love, and I often feel lucky to be where I am these days :::knock on wood:::

 

Anyway, if anyone ever has questions about how I got over my affair, read my old threads or PM me and Im happy to try to answer them. There is hope, but you have to want better for yourself, and believe that, even though it's hard to do, sometimes the best thing is to just walk away.

 

THe simple rule of life is this-- if it's not making you happy, then it's probably not good for you. And I don't mean making you happy for an hour while your married man sneaks off to shag you and then run home to his wife for dinner. I mean long term happiness, every day, in and out.

 

I hope everyone is well....see you on the flip side.

[spice4life]

I remember you kismetly and always enjoyed reading your posts. They are always so well written! You certainly have talent.

 

Best wishes to you on this new part of your journey. So glad to hear that your xMM is out of your life for good. So there is life after an affair after all.

[LadyLost]

Kismetgirl. Wow. Wonderful

I am so happy to hear your story

I love your last couple of paragraphs. You really do have to believe you deserve better and you are right, if it's not making you happy (correct, it's made me unbelievably miserable), then it's probably not good of you (light bulb moment!!)

[jwi71]

KG,

 

Our fiery resident ginger.

Do I get to say "I told you so" now?

 

Congrats on your life. Your growth.

Your happiness.

 

You must, of course, announce the next step here.

(and can I say "I told you so then too")

[Owl]

Hey...I feel obligated to throw in an "I told you so" as well! :)

 

Very glad to hear how things are going for you, KG! It's always hard to see how things can get better when you're in the middle of a crisis...but it's awesome to stand back and see how awesome they've become once the crisis is past.

 

Rock on lady!

[GettingOver]

Dear KG,

Thanks for all the post, especially "happy" updates. It's like a ray of light. When you are in this "crisis" you really think that life is over, he was the love of your life, you will be stuck in a dark place forever and never love anyone in that special way.

You example shows that happiness is possible even after so much drama, heartbreak and depression.

I am new here and never posted any supportive comments for you but I still wish you happiness from the bottom of my heart!!!!! And I am very happy for you, and your post put a smile on my face!

[COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR]

[KismetGirl]

Thanks everyone-- you are more than welcome to say you told me so I suppose lol, can't stop you there

 

Everyone needs time to come around. Hard to see straight when you're really emotional/depressed sometimes. I think everyone trying to tell you you're wrong makes most people even more defiant, though, or I know that's how I felt much of the time.

 

My current relationship, not without it's problems, (as most relationships have some issues, especially somewhat new ones) is still miles and miles away from where I thought I'd be before. I'm pretty happy most of the time aside from some stupid arguments we've been having recently, though I have faith we'll get through those lke any couple. We're currently doing the long-distance thing because of our respective jobs and it makes the stress a bit overwhelming sometimes on things that shouldn't blow up like they do.

 

Overall, though, I'm pretty happy and the point of me coming back here to update was to let other people know in my situation (former situation) that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but they have to choose to go down the right tunnel....ya know. Some tunnels are dead ends (eg- affairs) and you'll never get anywhere good if you keep going down the same one.

 

Hopefully I'll have nothing but more good news to report in the future :-) Cheers all

[whichwayisup]

So happy that things are going well in your life KG. You certainly deserve this! Thanks for the update. I hope that your words help others who are struggling to get out and see your situation as inspirational and gives them strength to leave and find their own happiness and healthier path to be on.

 

All the best Kis!

[twinsmom]

KG, I'm so glad you came back to give us an update. Of all the previous posters who have slacked off over time, you're the one I think about the most. I guess I'm going to be the lone "Negative Nelly" here, and I'm sure I'll be told that, but you said two times that you're "pretty happy". I guess I just want to hear that you're "gloriously happy"! You implied that your relationship is encountering some normal growing pains, and some problems that seem to be inherent in long-distance relationships, and I understand that. But, since Michael is your first serious relationship since your years-long relationship with MM, I'm concerned that you really want it to be "the" relationship you've desired for so long. I apologize if it sounds like I'm raining on your parade, as I really don't mean to! I was the OW once, too. And I certainly don't pretend to know what goes on with you and M. I don't. I just hope that you're not "settling" with someone because MM was an ass and unavailable, and you desire that "true-love" experience with someone else. You deserve the very best, and you deserve the feeling of being "head-over-heels" in love with someone. Please forgive me if I'm reading things into your relationship that aren't there. As I said, there's no way I can know what goes on. I just know that you deserve to be supremely happy, and I hope you are!

 

Take care.

[KismetGirl]

KG, I'm so glad you came back to give us an update. Of all the previous posters who have slacked off over time, you're the one I think about the most. I guess I'm going to be the lone "Negative Nelly" here, and I'm sure I'll be told that, but you said two times that you're "pretty happy". I guess I just want to hear that you're "gloriously happy"! You implied that your relationship is encountering some normal growing pains, and some problems that seem to be inherent in long-distance relationships, and I understand that. But, since Michael is your first serious relationship since your years-long relationship with MM, I'm concerned that you really want it to be "the" relationship you've desired for so long. I apologize if it sounds like I'm raining on your parade, as I really don't mean to! I was the OW once, too. And I certainly don't pretend to know what goes on with you and M. I don't. I just hope that you're not "settling" with someone because MM was an ass and unavailable, and you desire that "true-love" experience with someone else. You deserve the very best, and you deserve the feeling of being "head-over-heels" in love with someone. Please forgive me if I'm reading things into your relationship that aren't there. As I said, there's no way I can know what goes on. I just know that you deserve to be supremely happy, and I hope you are!

 

Take care.

 

Hey

 

Its ok, I think you're just picking up on my being a bit stressed out with work/life right now, and me and Michael had a few fights the last couple weeks so that's probably why I wasn't gushing like I normally do, but actually, no, we're really happy. Read my previous posts about my current relationship in this thread and you'll see I was really surprised and fell head over heels for Michael! It's hard to sound like you're gushing when you're piss*d at an argument ;-) But we made up and all is well in the world. He's actually just got off the phone with me right now and it's all as it should be.

 

I think anyone who goes for two years with someone and says they are goo-go gaga with stars in their eyes 24/7 and acts like their partner is perfect with no flaws is lying to themselves, so yes, I know he's not perfect and we have things to work on, but what relationship doesn't? I think the distance is our biggest stressor sometimes, not to mention our ridiculous work schedules right now, but yes, we are really happy and I do not feel like I am settling.

 

Honestly Michael is everything I ever wanted in someone-- he's funny, he's smart, we have an amazing physical attraction and relationship, and he adores me. He looks at me like I'm the most amazing woman he's ever met, and honestly, Sometimes I stare at him and get little butterflies in my stomach wondering if this gorgeous man is really my boyfriend!

 

When I was with MM I used to feel all these longing feelings, but then at the end of the day he was never mine and never would be, and I used to think, god, Im never going to meet a man who Im this physically AND emotionally attracted to. I was convinced I'd have to settle in one or the other, that you can never have both, that something is always missing and I don't feel Im missing anything right now. I tried dating several people over the years that me and MM were hooking up (more than several), and even a few after we stopped hooking up, but none ever worked out and I never felt strongly about any of them. It's not like I couldn't get anyone else to be attracted to me and settled for Michael out of some desperation that someone actually likes me. I fell for Michael because it was just right.

 

Me and Mike actually broke up briefly last year, for just a few weeks, and it was a result of some stupid argument that likely got out of hand because of distance stress and lack of proper communication, but we were both miserable being apart and we ended up back together. Since we've gotten back together we have had our fights, and unfortunately stress is stress and even the most in-love people let it get to them sometimes, as have we. But in the end of the day I love him a lot, and I know he loves me and we work on it. I have a man who really loves me, and I don't feel like I'm settling at all. If I felt that way, I'd let him go the way of all those others I dated before, during, and after MM that didn't work out. I'm not one to stay with someone I dont really like all that much just so I won't be single !

 

So, you were keen to pick up on my hesitant language, but for the wrong reasons-- honestly I was just mad at him from some recent arguments, but its not a big deal and we're working on it. I honestly cant' wait to see him in a couple weeks-- he sent me a message this morning saying all he could think about was laying in bed with me and cuddling, even if we did nothing else.

 

And you know what, even if he hadn't been "the one" (and who knows what will happen) he was still a big factor in letting me see that there were love and attraction and intense feelings to be had with people that were NOT MM, and that is something I had trouble believing for a long time.

 

For anyone else reading this, I want them to know the same thing. You may not find "the one" right away, but believe that you have the emotional ability to feel that intense way about someone other than your MM or MW, even if it doesnt feel like it. Even if my current relationship isn't forever, it was still a good thing in enabling me to know love existed in a healthier way.

 

And frankly, no one can predict the future, of course, but I'm happy where I am, I really, really am. I'm in love, and that's all I need right now. I'm not the type of person to predict irrationally into the future, because hell, people are married for twenty years and end up divorced. All I know is that today, I am in love, and if I am still in love in the morning I am another day further from the misery I felt when I was in that affair. If that's not a good reason to wake up in the morning, I don't know what is ;-)

[twinsmom]

Thanks for clarifying! That's great to hear! And shows that there's still hope for me yet.