Marriage stale. Do I quietly cheat on my wife or jump off a cliff?

[man_with_no_plan]

I have not committed the act yet. My wife and I have been together for four years and I love her but I there is no energy between us. One day I feel like if she wasn’t mind I’d die and then one day I feel as unhappy as unhappy can be.

 

To make matters worse, a colleague of mine and I have expressed GREAT interest in one-another. Problems are many but biggest ones are that 1) she is also married, and 2) she has two kids, contrary to us having none.

 

Thing is that there is this CRAZY sexual energy between me and this colleague that it is just unreal. I have to literally pull myself away to avoid doing something I regret. She is worse than me! She is crazy about me and she can’t stop talking about getting together.

 

I am so confused. I want the colleague as there is this UNBELIEVABLE chemistry between us. But I don’t want to do my wife wrong either. I couldn’t live with myself.

 

I know if I get a divorce I will never get married again. I won’t be “that guy.” My wife and I will NEVER have that energy, never had and never will. Do I break her heart and break it off, do I have an affair quietly and feel like an ass, or do I go jump off a cliff?!

[jenny]

the only thing that trumps chemistry is physics.

 

here are the laws of your life as they now stand: you have someone there. if you want to put another object in the same place, you must (gently) remove the first.

 

you have an unhappy marriage. deal with that first, then think about dating again. your current selection is a very poor one, born out of desperation, i'm guessing, rather than taste.

 

you deserve to have love, the big bang, all of it. but only if you go about this honourably.

[zarathustra]

Do I break her heart and break it off, do I have an affair quietly and feel like an ass, or do I go jump off a cliff?!

 

You've given yourself three choices: divorce, adultery or suicide. Let's rule out choice no. three, and focus on choices one and two.

 

Divorce is an option especially when there's no pitter patter of little feet. If you divorce your wife, however, you just might disqualify yourself as affair material for your married colleague. One becomes less interesting to married lovers to the extent one is available. So you end up divorced, lonely and eating cold cereal for dinner. Then again, even loneliness is preferable to the hell of another person in a terminally ill marriage. Contrary to Dr. Phil and the torrent of propaganda from the marriage counseling industrial complex even good people fall out of love and all the advice in the world isn't enough. You might be at that point, or you might not. Don't rush to judgment and give your marriage a premature burial.

 

An affair also is an option--if, in your value system, good sex justifies deceit, treachery , betrayal and the possible immolation of two marriages. You remain married in name only and your "colleague" becomes, for all intent and purposes, your shadow spouse. You both enjoy, until the inevitable discovery, the legitimacy of being married and the outlaw high of hot affair sex. But that will end--it always does.

 

Your life; your choices.

 

Good luck, my friend.

[Summerlove]

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You had replied to mine, so it's my turn to reply to yours. I became quite close friends with a co-worker, over the last year. We click on so many different levels. It started out with emails, lunches, and eventually I ended up pursuing him. Do I regret cheating on my husband? Yes. Do I regret exploring what else might be out there for me? No. I have made some good and bad decisions in regards to my marriage. However, I do wish I had fully considered the outcome of my affair. As of now, my husband doesn't know what is going on. Telling him would destroy our marriage, and him. I know that I can deal with divorce, if that is what happens, but I cannot deal with the pain that this would cause him if he were to find out. By continuing my affair, i'm playing with fire and the possibility of losing what could be the man of my life. I've always loved him and could never have imagined a life without him. But in the last 6 months or so, I began to fall out of love. I started getting more attention from everyone else, but him. I did try talking at first, but when that didn't work I pursued other options. I admitted to cheating once, and he forgave me. But I know in the back of his mind he doesn't trust me and sometimes regrets staying married to me. But now I am faced with quite a tough decision, stay married to keep him happy and live with this secret for the rest of my life, or leave and break his heart? THe only thing I have decided as of yet is to seek a therapist. My husband has already told me that he feels that he is a good husband, therefore he will not go to therapy with me. That is his choice, and I respect it, but I am still going to therapy on my own because I feel that it is the one thing that can help me. As for my affair, I have been having feelings that I haven't even felt with my husband in such a long time. This man does so much more for me, not physically, but emotionally. But at some point, I am going to have to make a decision. It will be the hardest decision of my life. But I know that I will find the answer. My only advice to you is to truly consider what your feelings are before taking any action. An affair is really not the answer, but therapy could help. And as for the "energy" what I've learned is that you can't force it to be there. I never thought I would fall out of love. But I have, and am having a very difficult time finding my way back.

[Fedup&givingup]

I agree with Jenny...good analogies and metaphors there!

[EnigmaXOXO]

One day I feel like if she wasn’t mind I’d die and then one day I feel as unhappy as unhappy can be.

 

As long as you are fluctuating so much regarding your affections toward your wife, it is better to concentrate your efforts on trying to fix what's wrong in your marriage rather than focusing so much of your energy on the potential of an affair. This way, if you finally *do* reach a mutual resolve to end your marriage, you can walk away confident that you had given it your best effort.

 

You might also want to ask yourself how much your attraction to this other woman has actually influenced your current feelings of dissatisfaction with your wife and marriage. If the colleague was removed from the picture, would you still be considering divorce? As long as you remain distracted by your fantasies, you run the risk of becoming detached from reality. Unfortunately, the later can not be avoided and will eventually come back to bite you in the …

 

The best advice I could possibly give anyone considering divorce is to make sure, that if you leave, you are doing it for yourself and NOT another person. It is the ONLY way to avoid regret later on.

 

Believe me, when its finally time to walk, you’ll KNOW it, because there will be no questions left in your mind or heart.

 

Good luck to both of you, and remember --- keep it REAL!

[Wolvesbaned]

man_with_no_plan,

 

Did your confusion come before or after your so-called colleague? If so your "colleague" may either be 1) just be an outlet that triggered your unhappiness in your current relationship 2) a woman that sparked an attraction in you that can turn into a real lasting relationship

 

1 What I mean by being a "trigger" is she (your colleague) could very well be any other woman --meaning there isn't really anything that interesting in her except for the sexual attraction factor. There are many women out there and believe it or not, you may run into a few more that sparks your fuses. If there really isn't anything about her except the attraction (and the fact she's ready and willing) then she's a dime a dozen, period.

 

You said yourself, "I couldn’t live with myself" if you cheat. Simplify things and take the cheating out of the equation. You wouldn't be able to live with it - then why even think about it?

 

2 Do you think this "colleague" of yours is long-term material? Let's review the facts: She has 2 kids, she's married, she knows you're married, and yet she's ready and willing to RISK all of that to get in your pants. Know the kind of woman you're dealing with here!

 

Even if you don't think she's long-term material (given the facts, no one in their right mind would) then please think about what type of person you're risking all the 4 years of marriage for.

 

If you're bored with you marriage why not try to spark it up. You mentioned that some days you can't think of living without her but other days you're as unhappy as can be. What are expectations in life? Are your expectations in a marriage realistic? Because in any long-term relationships there are problems.

 

My wife and I will NEVER have that energy, never had and never will.

These are mighty strong words. How do you really know for sure? Have you tried working it out at all? If this UNBELIEVABLE chemistry you're talking about can be substituted for any Sports Illustrated model that's willing to bed you, than it really isn't that unbelievable & it isn't permanent.

 

What's more important to you? A quick roll in the hay that will likely shatter all the lives around you or your wife that you admittedly love.

 

What's more work? UN-shattering the lives of everyone around you or putting in some work in your marriage and maybe finding that "spark" between you.

 

Set your priorities straight, whatever they may be. Everything's simple from there.

[man_with_no_plan]

Thank you all for your replies. It really puts me much more at ease reading them. Well, one of the things I perhaps didn't make clear in my original inquiry is that this colleague of mine is also planning or thinking about planning to leave her husband for me if it was so decided. So, it is not a one way street from my end only.

 

Jenny had said that she was clearly a poor choice (the colleague). Be that as it may, I am crazy about her but of course not about her-and-two-kids. I know it is not possible to love her and not her kids but IF (big IF) this was "the one", then am I to exclude her from my candidate list because she is a "poor choice"?

 

I am 28, a medical doctor and in a fairly good shape. This is not the first time someone has expressed interest in me, even with the ring on my hand. I don't want you to think that this is the first time this has happened that's why I am like this. I have always respectfully declined.

 

Wolvesbaned, you made an excellent point about her character; knowing I am married and still wanting something. You are right... You lose them the same way you get them I guess but would you believe that she is also unhappy with her marriage in similar ways as I am?

 

About my desires from my marriage: I am a romantic junky and I cannot help it. My wife is totally the opposite. I always buy her flowers, jewelry, do the nicest things you ever thought possible. I hardly get anything in return. It's not like she doesn't love me or she is a flake. I know she loves me but unfortunately she NEVER shows it. The thought that I put into every gift is never reciprocated, for example.

 

It's been like that forever. We have talked about it many times, but to no avail. On the other hand, this colleague is romantic. She is extraverted about love and she says (again she says - no way of knowing) that she has never felt this way towards anyone else but me.

 

I feel like there is a statue of limitations on all this! If I don’t make a decision I am stuck! Also, to answer another question, my feelings of unhappiness have always been there but perhaps with the presence of the colleague they are now accented or amplified. So, I believe it is really a combination of both things that has brought me here.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to write. I help people everyday and sometimes forget that it is ok for me to ask for help to. I am glad I did.

[befuddled11]

First of all, just because this colleague seems exciting and there's all this spark and chemistry, that doesn't necessarily mean it's real, or that it will last. It could all just be a sort of adrenaline rush......and the excitement that's occured between 2 people who aren't happy in their marriages. Things are ALWAYS exciting in the beginning of a relationship........it's called the "honeymoon phase" and they call it that for a reason.

 

You don't really "know" this woman or what she'd be like to have a relationship with. You only know the attraction and the sexual chemistry. She could be a b*tch to be in a relationship with. She could be a serial cheater who goes from one guy to another, just for excitement. She could be moody and controlling. Plus you've already mentioned that you're not crazy about the idea of her "kids." If you feel that way, your feelings aren't going to change. You'll grow to resent her kids and see them as being "in the way" of your relationship with her. She will always put her kids first.....always (err, she should, anyway)....and while you don't have any and have the freedom to do as you please because you don't have kids, that's not the case for her. Can you deal with that? Do you think it's really fair to be the catalyst for someone ending their marriage when you know in your heart that you're not into the whole "package"?

 

Also....you've only been married a relatively short period of time. Have you even TRIED to do something to recapture the spark in your marriage? Or has that thought never crossed your mind because you've been too distracted by the belief that the grass is greener on the other side? (your colleague)

 

What about marriage counselling?

 

Don't you feel you owe it to the woman you made vows and a commitment to, to at least get your feelings out there on the table and try to to work things out?

 

Any marriage can go through a 'stale' period......where things are boring and comfortable. What have YOU done to spice things up? Have you made any efforts? Have you at least TALKED TO HER about how you feel? If not, don't you think you owe her that much? Maybe she's grown complacent and has no idea how you feel.

[spencer]

If you have an affair it will make your marriage more tollerable and you will procrastinate what need to be done.

well the problems in your marriage needs to be addressed.

if you have an affair, the guilt you will feel, coupled with your needs being met somewhere else will impair your ability to make decisions about your marriage.

 

Im sorry your wife doesn't reciprocate the affections of love, and you have told her that this is important in your marriage. whats the next step.

 

mabye, layman terms dont work for you so here is the medical version.

patient complains of nausea, you give her anti-nausea meds, she's happy.

next month nausea returns with sever cramping, you give her more meds, she feels better.

to stop a bad analogy short, see where im going. you need to get to the root of your pain and not mask it with a bandaid.

doctor heal thy self

[Samson]

About my desires from my marriage: I am a romantic junky and I cannot help it.

 

JEEEeeeeezzzzz. Then you sure screwed up by getting married, Amigo!

 

Sounds like you gottalotta climbing to do to get outta this hole. Better begin sooner than later: PS; Get that Vasoectamy YESTERDAY: Nothing like kids to wipe out romance!

[soserious1]

One day I feel like if she wasn’t mind I’d die and then one day I feel as unhappy as unhappy can be

 

It sounds to me like the problem resides within you.Have you always suffered from an inability to tolerate your own affect?Folks suffering from personality diorders have a tendency to idealise or devalue people,there's no in between.They also suffer because they cannot see that in a marriage or long term relationship one doesn't walk around going gaga over their spouse all the time.There are good and bad days in every relationship and many times the bad days have more to do with other factors than they do with anything your spouse did or did not do.

[Wolvesbaned]

man_with_no_plan,

 

I'm curious as to how your feelings of unhappiness only sprouted out now? By your age I'm guessing you're at your residency or just finished, why wasn't the unhappiness obvious during medschool, or say first year rotations?

 

I know a little bit about the medical school process; it speaks volumes to have a spouse support you through it (either financially or emotionally and most of the time, both).

 

If you never had chemistry with your wife, why did you marry her?

[tattoomytoe]

make sure the chemistry with the other woman is real, and not just excitement of possibly being with another woman who is also cheatong on her husband. who's to say it will be there when it is just you 2

[Skittles]

lots of really outstanding advice and observations here......

 

 

...I agree with the basic premise that you need to determine what exactly it is that you have.

 

Sexual chemistry is the ultimate drug, natures way of making sure we continue, but when that plateaus, what do you have...a new wife with kids you aren't sure you like...

 

 

....Look at your marriage, fish or cut bait..

 

.If you cut bait, then look at your new ladies' baggage..Is there more than chemistry to get you through her children's rage against you, raging adolescence and many trips to soccer games? Money put away for their college education?

 

If you love her that much, more power to you, ..... you will need it.

 

 

 

 

 

Good Luck.

[nikkilove]

Whatever you do, do it with integrity. Obviously, if you cheat you are not demonstrating integrity.

 

Talk with your wife, is counseling an option for you (do you want this marriage to work?)??

 

Proceed as if all you have is your integrity to guide you, and the answers of what to do will come to you. If you really don't want to be with your wife anymore, end it before moving on.

[man_with_no_plan]

I cannot thank all of your for your wonderful advice. I am so impressed with the quality of people on these forums and how no one took this issue of mine lightly.

 

I am taking everything that was said here to heart. I also agree that the advice given here is priceless and I assure you that whether you know it or not, you really have helped someone in a moment of need.

 

As for an update: I feel no different. This friend of mine and I have had a few hours to just simply talk and enjoy each other’s company again and really discuss the issues at hand. The one thing I am absolutely certain of is that I will NOT cheat. I will not commit an act of infidelity as I am sure not only will that cheapen this relationship but will also make me a monster in my own mind. Besides, granted one day this relationship was to blossom, I wouldn't want this person to think that I am a cheater, even though it was with her.

 

My wife and I have talked quiet extensively now and it seems that there is no way certain issues could be remedied. For example, her concerns that I am always busy with work are an incurable syndrome as I am what I do. My frustrations with the lack of romance and affection are also inoperable tumors that she feels are simply a part of her personality.

 

For now, I am divided. I am thankful for the strength that god has invested in me not to commit adultery although EVERY cell in my body wants to do it. I don't care how good this physical act would feel, I know the guilt afterwards will be more painful.

 

This other woman is amazing but not mine. Yet again, another reason why even though the feeling is 100% mutual I would not engage in pure lust. If there is any hope for love, it has to be without lust, I feel.

 

Once again, thanks to all of you who took the time and gave your advice. I would love to hear more of your wisdom.

[hotmamma]

Man with no plan, I can tell you that you could be the man I just cheated on my husband with.

 

He is a colleague, also married with children. There was INTENSE chemistry between us for over 2 years before anything happened. We finally got together last week. The experience itself was great, but the fall-out has been one of the worst things I've ever gone through. We decided that too much of a good thing could get us in big trouble and we both love our spouses too much to risk getting caught. But now, I can't stop thinking about him when I am with my husband. I consciously feel do not feel guilty, and I'm no shrink, but I think this must be how my guilt is manifesting itself. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I haven't been satisfied by husband since I cheated. My advice: Don't do it. I'd do anything to go back.

[Dug]

I agree with hotmamma, but whatever you do......make sure you tell your wife what options you're considering. She deserves to know the condition you believe your marrige to be in, and what you think you must do to get satisfaction.