layla1983 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Then everything changes!!!! How long before things changed with your significant other whether it be fighting, or wanting space or whatever??? Hopefully I'm not the only one. For me it's meet, together 24/7, everythings great for 6 0r 7 months..then WTF!!! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It is called the limerance period and is a bonding process of lust which masks the persons faults. It can last 6-18 months depending on the potency of the lust and you are then left with a real person you have to accept. May I suggest not spending 24/7 with them during that initial period and keep dating them and get to know them properly, as well as the physical so when the limerance fades out you are not surprised by what is behind the mask?! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeheartLover Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Definitely, I agree that when it all happens so fast, so much all at once, when the honeymoon phase wears off, you have to look at who you're really dating as a person, not as the object of your affection. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Definitely, I agree that when it all happens so fast, so much all at once, when the honeymoon phase wears off, you have to look at who you're really dating as a person, not as the object of your affection. Hi Free, when you spent lots of time talking about life and finding out each others real opinions on the world you get a feel for them. The man I have been seeing for 5 months is overly stubborn, can be argumentative and has told me some bad things he has done revealing a harsh selfish streak - these traits are never going to suddenly surprise me as I started to see them about 3 dates in! A much better way to do things than constant nose rubbing, bowling dates and genital rubbing! I have that too though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 For me it's 6 or 7 months. I was sooo head over heals. Now this guy looks like a clown compared to my ex. The worst part is we live together!!!! I can't stand him Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 For me it's 6 or 7 months. I was sooo head over heals. Now this guy looks like a clown compared to my ex. The worst part is we live together!!!! I can't stand him Well what are you going to do? What did you manage to ignore about him that is coming out now? Link to post Share on other sites
Jynxx Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 For me it's usually under 2 weeks... so be glad you get half a year of happiness (I wish I was kidding but I'm not) Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Emotional and his temper. He's got quite the temper. At first I was attracted to him because of the way he is, but now that I know him better OMG!!! He became friend with all of my friends and vice versa whereas my ex couldn't stand my friends because they were the party crowd and that's just not him anymore. So the new exciting , head over heals for guy is a douche!! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 For me it's usually under 2 weeks... so be glad you get half a year of happiness (I wish I was kidding but I'm not) You're fun and you will meet someone eventually, I have got through a fair amount of no hopers! Layla, what are you going to do about it then? Can you move out somewhere? I take it you have tried to talk and there is no compromise? Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I made such a big deal about being with him after my ex and I broke up and was so happy to meet him. Then I put out everything all over FB and pics of the new guy and how happy I was. Then we moved into a new aprtment (which was exciting because I thought that would help with a new place of our own)...I just don't know what to do. Either way I'll look stupid to everyone...I MEAN i MADE A BIG DEAL OUT OF ALL OF IT VERY PUBICLY....to make it worse I think I'm still soo in love with my ex but I'm sure he hates me for everything I did Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Well don't worry about what other people think here, you have to be happy. Besides you'll be the talk for a couple of days and then it will be old news with new gossip flying around - people are seldom as interested as you think. You need to talk to the new guy really, does he know you feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 This is one of the reasons women should never give up their financial independence for a man. Money gives you more exit strategy options. And I say this as a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I don't think he knows. He knows we fight all of the time, he knows he blows up like crazy. I'm such a fool to have done what I've done. My ex was such a sweetheart and I chose partying over him and he left. We were together for 3 years and just the thought of him still gives me butterflies like the day we met. I took the breakup pretty hard and then met the new excting guy. I thought he was amazing but he sucks!!! I did start talking to my ex for a few months a few months ago. Text or email. He stoppped talking to me though because I think he caught on to the fact that I would only text or email during the day and never at night because, well I was home with the current guy....I really thought he was going to be the one, but now after 7 months together he's about half the man my ex is..I'm sure my ex hates me Link to post Share on other sites
Surrealist Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It is called the limerance period and is a bonding process of lust which masks the persons faults. It can last 6-18 months depending on the potency of the lust and you are then left with a real person you have to accept. May I suggest not spending 24/7 with them during that initial period and keep dating them and get to know them properly, as well as the physical so when the limerance fades out you are not surprised by what is behind the mask?! This. You simply cannot maintain an intense relationship fueled by infatuation. It is just not realistic. You need to come down out of the clouds, gain some stability and balance in life, and work toward maturing the relationship from childish infatuation, which is often selfishly motivated (hence the fighting) to a more mature relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 So, we have a rebound relationship by someone who still is attached to their ex. OP, try this: Spend six months *alone* and independent without a *man* in your life. Check back with us then. Otherwise, you're just more support for my 'women are single for ten seconds or less' theory, and IMO it's not a theory related to relationship health. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 So, we have a rebound relationship by someone who still is attached to their ex. OP, try this: Spend six months *alone* and independent without a *man* in your life. Check back with us then. Otherwise, you're just more support for my 'women are single for ten seconds or less' theory, and IMO it's not a theory related to relationship health. Good luck Yes at the very least 6 months I would say!! It becomes fun alone after a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Have you guys met someone and went head over heals in love or whatever and then months later been like OMG what have I gotten myself into??? Link to post Share on other sites
Surrealist Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Have you guys met someone and went head over heals in love or whatever and then months later been like OMG what have I gotten myself into??? Blinded by infatuation, it is not realistic. Can you understand that concept? If not, do some research into it. This is not kill-joy, it is an understanding that will help you throughout the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Have you guys met someone and went head over heals in love or whatever and then months later been like OMG what have I gotten myself into??? Sure, we've all made mistakes in life. That's part of why we're here, to share the lessons learned. Perhaps the OP will take away a few lessons from this. One I will focus on is to 'get over' one's ex (in my case my exW) *before* entering into a new intimate and supposedly loving monogamous relationship. OP, for clarity, did you, with the ex whom you are not yet 'done', live together? If so, how long did you date prior to living together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Sure, we've all made mistakes in life. That's part of why we're here, to share the lessons learned. Perhaps the OP will take away a few lessons from this. One I will focus on is to 'get over' one's ex (in my case my exW) *before* entering into a new intimate and supposedly loving monogamous relationship. OP, for clarity, did you, with the ex whom you are not yet 'done', live together? If so, how long did you date prior to living together? My current boyfriend or my ex boyfriend?? My current we pretty much were with each other since we met. My ex and I never lived together although I stayed at his house maybe 2 oe 3 nights a week sometimes more. That was however before I started to get inot the party scene. I think he wanted me to grow a little more as a person and a girlfriend before actually moving into his house. We had plans to and all of that. BTW he's older than me and has been through all of this before with a few of his exes. We took our relationship much slower than I did with my current. I think he was smart enough to pace it so that we could grow together Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I was referring to the ex-boyfriend with whom you've been in contact while in your current live-in relationship. What is the longest continuous period that you've lived independently? This means exclusive of boyfriends, parents, roommates, etc. Could you live independently again, eschew the partying scene and *date* your ex? Is he up for that? If he is, could you make that decision today and end this dynamic with your current boyfriend? Whether yes or no, why? Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Layla, you need to learn how to take the blinders off and take things SLOWLY when you meet a guy. LOTS of guys seem "perfect" and wonderful and exciting when you first meet them. That's when you need to be careful and really get to know who they are! Spending everyday together from the very beginning & moving in together so soon are terrible things to do, IMO. It sounds like you just get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship & you don't look at things logically. Well... that's how you end up in situations like the one you're in now! You're not going to look stupid to people if you end a relationship you're not happy in, believe me. If they ask what happened since you made such a big deal about how in love you were, just tell them you moved too fast & once the real him started to surface, you knew it wasn't going to work out. I think most people will be understanding. And if they're not, who cares?! It's your life, not theirs! Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I was referring to the ex-boyfriend with whom you've been in contact while in your current live-in relationship. What is the longest continuous period that you've lived independently? This means exclusive of boyfriends, parents, roommates, etc. Could you live independently again, eschew the partying scene and *date* your ex? Is he up for that? If he is, could you make that decision today and end this dynamic with your current boyfriend? Whether yes or no, why? I had my own apartment for 1.5 years and then met my current after the breakup. He lived in the same building across the way. So it was convient to say the least because we were already neighbors. Of course all of my friends lived there too-so it was perfect and everyone got along and had a really good time together and my ex was gone. I would love to reconnect with my ex but at this point I'm terrified to even contact him. I'm sure he thinks I'm a joke. I have a huge support system so in a way. Literally if I sneeze and put it on FB 200 people are feeling sorry for me and contacting me. My ex used to hate that because I would indicate on it when we fought too and of course everyone would comment on it too and form their opinions. I guess attention makes me feel better whereas my ex can do without any attention-he just doesn't need sympathy from anyone Link to post Share on other sites
Author layla1983 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Layla, you need to learn how to take the blinders off and take things SLOWLY when you meet a guy. LOTS of guys seem "perfect" and wonderful and exciting when you first meet them. That's when you need to be careful and really get to know who they are! Spending everyday together from the very beginning & moving in together so soon are terrible things to do, IMO. It sounds like you just get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship & you don't look at things logically. Well... that's how you end up in situations like the one you're in now! You're not going to look stupid to people if you end a relationship you're not happy in, believe me. If they ask what happened since you made such a big deal about how in love you were, just tell them you moved too fast & once the real him started to surface, you knew it wasn't going to work out. I think most people will be understanding. And if they're not, who cares?! It's your life, not theirs! Believe me I learned that the hard way!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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