BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Alwaysgoodgirl.....I might can give you some insight. Former OW here.....the BS and I had many discussions, in fact we talked for the better part of 2 months. Xmm had lied and told me that they were separated, not once but twice with a few years in between those time periods. There was a period of time several years ago when I knowingly was the OW for around a year. So ask away......if you want. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Thank you GEL, I didn't post in the I section because I am doing ok at this moment. I am a survivor of many hardships. Adultery is not the worst of my life experiences. I thaught maybe OW's would take the advantage to tell me the best way to do this. I know it souinds confusing and silly. I think If I got insight from other OW's I could somehow reach HER heart. Maybe the next wife will not be so concerned with her and more into revenge. I hope not. It's never to late to become a better person. I work on it daily. There's only so much you can do here. If she is currently cheating on H again, she doesn't sound reachable at this time. And it might be worse for you because she might be mean or say untrue things. I don't know if she is a good person or not (in her heart). The only thing it would do is tip her off and she might warn her hubby that you're a nutcase out to get her. The best thing you could do is give her H evidence of the A and let it go at that. She's his problem to deal with. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysagoodgirl Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I'm still a little fussy on the details but you've explained more. So I assume your husband and this woman had an online relationship before the funeral? Was it an emotional affair? I hope you are getting the help you need to deal with this as I'm sure it is devastating to you. All of the e mails I read appeared harmless, a little flirting but nothing too "red flag". She has continued to e mail and wonders why he doesn't respond. He feels like a fool. Won't even read them. Her sort of manipulation is beyond him. I think I will respond to her tonight. Atleast let her know and give her the opertunity to "out" herself to her husband. If she comes clean with him maybe she can get some sort of help herself.??? Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 All of the e mails I read appeared harmless, a little flirting but nothing too "red flag". She has continued to e mail and wonders why he doesn't respond. He feels like a fool. Won't even read them. Her sort of manipulation is beyond him. I think I will respond to her tonight. Atleast let her know and give her the opertunity to "out" herself to her husband. If she comes clean with him maybe she can get some sort of help herself.??? Your husband (because of the brain injury) does not have the same capabilities at you and I have? Does he have an inability to make decisions about people's intentions? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 thank you BBO7. my question is to OW's. I am by nature a kind hearted person, but I am feeling like the OW needs to be exposed. She doesn't know that I know who she is. She is a sly preditor and has moved on to her next MM. Is it enough to contact her personally and have whatever discussion that may follow, leave it at that? Or contact her husband. Should I leave that decission to her? I have no vile words or mud to fling at her. Just want her to know someone is on to her. I think other OW's can give me their feeling on how they would have it happen if they had a choice as to the wife. again thank you BBO7 for your reply I would tell her husband. I think you're letting your H off the hook here PRETTY easy. He's a grown man and the OW didn't force him into a R with her. If you think you're the one who protects him and he doesn't get called on the carpet for what he did to your M, then you are going to be dealing with OW #2 very soon. Agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysagoodgirl Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I think you're letting your H off the hook here PRETTY easy. He's a grown man and the OW didn't force him into a R with her. If you think you're the one who protects him and he doesn't get called on the carpet for what he did to your M, then you are going to be dealing with OW #2 very soon. Called to the carpet? Oh GEL, I promise you his new name is CARPET!! He bahaved like a dumbass idiot. He is responsable for this 100%. He should have ran out of that room screaming like his jewels were on fire!!! As for # 2 ? Well that will be his one way fast track ticket to: D I V O R C E ville. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I'm a little confused about the facts but I guess this one comes down to what you feel inside you should do. I would want to know if my husband were cheating on me and I've become a fan of The Truth (after quite awhile of living lies). That's just me though based on my own experiences and convictions. Everyone's different. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysagoodgirl Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Your husband (because of the brain injury) does not have the same capabilities at you and I have? Does he have an inability to make decisions about people's intentions? OMG, yes. sad yes. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I'm a little confused about the facts but I guess this one comes down to what you feel inside you should do. I would want to know if my husband were cheating on me and I've become a fan of The Truth (after quite awhile of living lies). That's just me though based on my own experiences and convictions. Everyone's different. Good luck. I hear ya.......that truth thing. Has a nice ring to it doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 OMG, yes. sad yes. OK.......it's making more sense now. I see why you feel as if she is the predator and your husband was the prey. The OW.......she knew this? (I want to know before I answer) Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Yes, her husband should know. Also the other women involved in the group should know about her ways. But actually I think minding my own business is the best advise. My H has learned a great lesson about trusting others. He should be afraid, VERY afraid of women who want to be his "FRIEND"!!! I tried warning him. He has a kind and simple heart, one that can be abused. I can only protect him so much. I think he will see friendly women differently now... Really????!! I know you mentioned that your H had a brain injury, but was it so bad that he can't at all differentiate between you and another woman, and can't understand the difference between a platonic friend and someone that's riding him??! It seems to me like you're making a lot of excuses for him and because you can't take out your true anger at him (maybe because of his injury) you want to take your anger out on her. If you want to expose her fine, go ahead and do that if it makes you feel better, but since this all seems to be about HOENSTY - are you really being completely honest with yourself when you're giving those excuses for you husband? I am really sorry that you are in this situation. And yes, I agree that if this woman is a serial cheater, go ahead and tell her H (it will cause more drama in your life) but at least he'd know what's going on behind his back - that could be a great service to him. I'm sorry if I got all worked up from the quoted part above, and yes, I don't know the extent of your H's brain injury, but it seems like you're making him out to be some poor defensless creature that got taken advantage of, when in fact he cheated on you. ETA - just read your reply about his brain injury and how it affects his ability to understand people's intentions - k, sorry about that.... Link to post Share on other sites
redcurls Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 All of the e mails I read appeared harmless, a little flirting but nothing too "red flag". She has continued to e mail and wonders why he doesn't respond. He feels like a fool. Won't even read them. Her sort of manipulation is beyond him. I think I will respond to her tonight. Atleast let her know and give her the opertunity to "out" herself to her husband. If she comes clean with him maybe she can get some sort of help herself.??? And you will be doing all this out of your concern for her husband, the sake of her marriage, and to help with her "salvation." no way will you be motivated by your anger or your need for revenge, right...? Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I hear ya.......that truth thing. Has a nice ring to it doesn't it? Sure does. I think that if I had valued the truth more, I never would have been part of an affair, and hence would have saved myself a lot of heartache. I guess one lives and learns! So I guess at this point I am all for the truth no matter what the motivation. Revenge/anger? Who cares -- her husband still deserves the truth. I realize there are different versions of the truth but at least put the basic facts out there and let the husband decide what he wants to learn on his own... if this woman is really a serial OW who preys on men with brain injuries then I'm thinking he might already have a clue... or he definitely deserves to be pointed in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysagoodgirl Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Really????!! I know you mentioned that your H had a brain injury, but was it so bad that he can't at all differentiate between you and another woman, and can't understand the difference between a platonic friend and someone that's riding him??! It seems to me like you're making a lot of excuses for him and because you can't take out your true anger at him (maybe because of his injury) you want to take your anger out on her. If you want to expose her fine, go ahead and do that if it makes you feel better, but since this all seems to be about HOENSTY - are you really being completely honest with yourself when you're giving those excuses for you husband? I am really sorry that you are in this situation. And yes, I agree that if this woman is a serial cheater, go ahead and tell her H (it will cause more drama in your life) but at least he'd know what's going on behind his back - that could be a great service to him. I'm sorry if I got all worked up from the quoted part above, and yes, I don't know the extent of your H's brain injury, but it seems like you're making him out to be some poor defensless creature that got taken advantage of, when in fact he cheated on you. ETA - just read your reply about his brain injury and how it affects his ability to understand people's intentions - k, sorry about that.... TigerCub you are funny, If you saw her you would see there is a huge difference in our appearance. About 45lbs, less 4 inches, add 7 years. I think he knew it wasn't me....:lmao::lmao: I tolerate alot in my life. Lies are not one of them. I do take comfort in the fact that It was not planned and he broke down the minute he saw me at the airport. I think how a BS finds out is important. ps. if you ride a Motorcycle, were a helmet. Please. You can be smart as a whip one minute then it's all taken away!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 And you will be doing all this out of your concern for her husband, the sake of her marriage, and to help with her "salvation." no way will you be motivated by your anger or your need for revenge, right...? Well, honestly, it's like killing two birds with one stone right? On the hand it will give her H information that's important to the state of his M (if he doesn't know already) and satisfy that need of revenge for the betrayed. I don't know, I guess you have to put yourself in the shoes of the OP. What would you do yourself? It's a totally personal decision. Some people prefer to keep the focus on their own M. Infidelity sites suggest informing the other spouse because then you have another spouse making the OP's life miserable and another set of eyes. Personally if someone decides to let their own spouse of the hook (so to speak: mean not leave them) why the need to destroy the OP at all costs? It's between a rock and a hard place. People handle it differently. I don't know that there is a right answer. No matter the motivation. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Fight4Me Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Definitely inform her husband, but do not let her know about it first. As someone else mentioned, she will most likely cut you off at the pass and make you out to be some crazy nutcase and he won't believe you. He can then do what he chooses to do with the information you have given. From there, it's out of your hands, but you can walk away knowing you did the right thing. Now, to address you and your WH's health, please go in right away and have yourselves tested for STD's. Even if protection was used, there's still a risk that you've been exposed to something unpleasant. Get tested again in another six months just to be sure I'm sorry you're going through this. As a fBW, I know exactly the kind of pain you're in right now. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 TigerCub you are funny, If you saw her you would see there is a huge difference in our appearance. About 45lbs, less 4 inches, add 7 years. I think he knew it wasn't me....:lmao::lmao: I tolerate alot in my life. Lies are not one of them. I do take comfort in the fact that It was not planned and he broke down the minute he saw me at the airport. I think how a BS finds out is important. I agree, he told you instead of covering it up and doing it again - He definitely gets credit for that. Since you of all people know how important it is for a BS to know something like this - since this woman isn't confessing to her H, how do you think he should find out (if you were to break the news to him)? ps. if you ride a Motorcycle, were a helmet. Please. You can be smart as a whip one minute then it's all taken away!!! Very sound advice. I have a friend who's H had a head injury in a motorcycle accident, he has changed too (no like your H - but of course, its not all the same with everyone) - but it definitely has changed him forever - its really sad. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I dunno, OP. I'm in the live and let live category. Its been my experience with women that cheat on their husbands multiple times, that their husbands know. The H might be afraid to do something about it, or that might just be a feature of their R. If you are going to tell him, just know that even he might laugh at the revelation. My real concern is about her facilitating these women's groups with her "lifestyle" issue. It seems kind of hypocritical. But then again, I don't really know what kind of advise she gives to the women. And, TBH, I still think that live and let the others find out in their own time without my involvement is still a much better way to go. That way my intentions are never in question. Good luck, and be prepared for left field reactions. Sorry to hear about your H's motorcycle accident. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Called to the carpet? Oh GEL, I promise you his new name is CARPET!! He bahaved like a dumbass idiot. He is responsable for this 100%. He should have ran out of that room screaming like his jewels were on fire!!! As for # 2 ? Well that will be his one way fast track ticket to: D I V O R C E ville. This is too funny AAGG ... I dunno, OP. I'm in the live and let live category. Its been my experience with women that cheat on their husbands multiple times, that their husbands know. The H might be afraid to do something about it, or that might just be a feature of their R. I'm in the same catagory also...and always believe, due to my own experience, they already know anyway. Well it sounds like your radar is up so I think all is well with you. I would stay out of it. Personally, I try not to provoke anybody as people are one step away from the edge of no return, way too close to postal IMO Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysagoodgirl Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) And you will be doing all this out of your concern for her husband, the sake of her marriage, and to help with her "salvation." no way will you be motivated by your anger or your need for revenge, right...? you got it redcurles. doesn't make sense to me if I trade my "salvation" for 1 act of revenge. Save her only to sacrifice me????? No thank you. I don't care about her that much. Edited January 18, 2011 by alwaysagoodgirl spelling error Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Now, that you've explained more of your situation, AAGG, a few further comments: As for outing her with her women's group, I'd suggest not. Not that she has any right to privacy - married people usually expect to know who their spouse is intimate with, so OW/OM hand their privacy over to the spouse as well as to the MM/MW. But, because she isn't that important to your life and the women in her group should make their own judgement based on their own interactions. It sounds like you are handling a lot in your life now and I think you will feel better if you don't involve yourself in OW's life. Telling her H is a bit different, because it involves empathy for another whose shoes you've been in. But even with her H, don't do it unless you think it will make you feel better. And feeling better isn't about revenge or anger, it is treating others how you want to be treated, but also recognizing your own limitations. If informing the H will stress you more, just focus on yourself now. Whatever you do, take the high road. While it may sometimes look unfair and unrewarded, you just have to spend a bit of time on the low road to appreciate how much better the high road feels, rewarded or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysagoodgirl Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I agree, he told you instead of covering it up and doing it again - He definitely gets credit for that. Since you of all people know how important it is for a BS to know something like this - since this woman isn't confessing to her H, how do you think he should find out (if you were to break the news to him)? Very sound advice. I have a friend who's H had a head injury in a motorcycle accident, he has changed too (no like your H - but of course, its not all the same with everyone) - but it definitely has changed him forever - its really sad. in case I wasn't clear she is 45lb heavier and shorter than I and older than I am not that it matters but it sorta does:D Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysagoodgirl Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Now, that you've explained more of your situation, AAGG, a few further comments: As for outing her with her women's group, I'd suggest not. Not that she has any right to privacy - married people usually expect to know who their spouse is intimate with, so OW/OM hand their privacy over to the spouse as well as to the MM/MW. But, because she isn't that important to your life and the women in her group should make their own judgement based on their own interactions. It sounds like you are handling a lot in your life now and I think you will feel better if you don't involve yourself in OW's life. Telling her H is a bit different, because it involves empathy for another whose shoes you've been in. But even with her H, don't do it unless you think it will make you feel better. And feeling better isn't about revenge or anger, it is treating others how you want to be treated, but also recognizing your own limitations. If informing the H will stress you more, just focus on yourself now. Whatever you do, take the high road. While it may sometimes look unfair and unrewarded, you just have to spend a bit of time on the low road to appreciate how much better the high road feels, rewarded or not. very good advise, Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I believe you said that she was still emailing your husband. If that is the case, why not have him email her and tell her no more contact and if that if she contacts him again that my wife (you) are going to tell her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 in case I wasn't clear she is 45lb heavier and shorter than I and older than I am not that it matters but it sorta does:D Already then haha, I guess it really matters to you that she's heavier and shorter and older. Whatever works to get you to your 'happy place' Link to post Share on other sites
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