SummerLady Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 If one partner wants sex more than the other, what can be done?? Is this a relationship blower, no pun intended. I think this is bad. I feel this is bad. Men? would like your feedback. I think it leaves one partner feeling unwanted and I think it turns into a power play. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 If one partner wants sex more than the other, what can be done?? Is this a relationship blower, no pun intended. I think this is bad. I feel this is bad. Men? would like your feedback. I think it leaves one partner feeling unwanted and I think it turns into a power play. Thoughts? is it one wanting 3X/wk and the other 1X/wk? 3X/Day vs. 1X/mth..... Please include context.... And yes sex always is a powerplay and difficult to broker a compromise...... And if it is the woman who has the "Healthier" Appetite usually it is time to find a new man as that means he has issues or problems...... Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Can it turn into a power struggle? Sure. But not everyone is wired the same way when it comes to sex. Is it a deal breaker? I dunno... maybe if the libidos are really, really mismatched. Honestly? I generally (I dunno, 75% of the time... but there have been a few times were she wants to fool around and I don't) want it more than she does... but I try not to get upset. I, uh, usually can take care of myself if she's not into it... ...but you're talking about a couple that has been together for 11+ years... we still have sex roughly 1 to 3 times a week, on average. Do I want sex more often? Sure! But she's tired or we don't have the time or blah blah blah, etc. I don't press the issue unless an inordinate amount of time has passed since the last time. And even then- I ask "What's up?" without trying to press gang anyone into sex they don't want. Now, if you're talking about a relationship where someone doesn't want to be touched consistantly for months on end... yeah, there might be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 It ain't good. But it probably isn't all that unusual. I had it happen to me where when as soon as me and my g/f started living together, she started to shut down the sex engine. I didn't take it personally as if I weren't attractive to her, I took it that this is who she really is--someone not on the same page with me sexually. Ya never know. This is why I would never marry someone w/o trying her on in the same living quarters for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Depends on the frequency... once a month would definitely be a deal breaker for me. We have compromised to once every couple of week, which is not really enough for me, but fine for her. When our sex life dwindled to once a month, I threatened divorce... so, yes, you feel rejected and unwanted. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Most couples will have some discrepancy in drive. Even couples who are usually well matched will have times when they are uneven (times of illness, postpartum, etc). How the couple deals with the issue can influence if it is a relationship killer or not. If one partner pressures, and the other pulls away---then it will be a power struggle. If both partners put closeness first, I think it can work out ok. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 If one partner wants sex more than the other, what can be done?? The one who wants the sex more needs to learn how to turn the other one on. Yes it becomes a power struggle if the horny 1 lets the other use it as a bargaining chip. Also if he let's them know that it is affecting them emotionally, like getting angry. A few simple changes can solve any problem, and I stress simple. As for a relationship breaker, yes I agree totally. I wouldn't assign fault to the 1 not giving in to sex, because that's not what sex is supposed to be about. Plus, I beleive if you can't turn on your old partner, the same will eventually go for your new one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 The one who wants the sex more needs to learn how to turn the other one on. I agree, but what about the one who wants sex more then struggling with feeling undesirable? I believe that what Frisky said is probably true - it's really about the person and their own sexuality. But for many of us (probably for both men and women) feeling desired and having someone trying to turn US on (even if we are kind of pre-turned-on naturally) is pretty important to being sexually fulfilled. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I agree, but what about the one who wants sex more then struggling with feeling undesirable? I believe that what Frisky said is probably true - it's really about the person and their own sexuality. But for many of us (probably for both men and women) feeling desired and having someone trying to turn US on (even if we are kind of pre-turned-on naturally) is pretty important to being sexually fulfilled. Those are very selfish feelings when you think about it. It's called self esteem because it's what you think about yourself, not others. He acts like a 5 year old that wants a toy really bad, and as a parent do you give in based on their level of wanting, hell no. Does it make you want to give him the toy any sooner? or are you inclined to use it as a bargaining tool? Two, if he used this method to pick up a woman, do you think it would ever work for him? How many lonely dudes do you see at the bar that try the overly horny touchy feely in your face approach, and fail miserably. If it doesn't work in the dating scene, it won't work for long in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 If one partner wants sex more than the other, what can be done?? Is this a relationship blower, no pun intended. I think this is bad. I feel this is bad. Men? would like your feedback. I think it leaves one partner feeling unwanted and I think it turns into a power play. Thoughts? If you love somebody and they want sex and your just not feeling it... there are plenty of other ways to get them to orgasm than basic sex. If you are too lazy to even do that... you have a big problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Those are very selfish feelings when you think about it. It's called self esteem because it's what you think about yourself, not others. He acts like a 5 year old that wants a toy really bad, and as a parent do you give in based on their level of wanting, hell no. Does it make you want to give him the toy any sooner? or are you inclined to use it as a bargaining tool? Two, if he used this method to pick up a woman, do you think it would ever work for him? How many lonely dudes do you see at the bar that try the overly horny touchy feely in your face approach, and fail miserably. If it doesn't work in the dating scene, it won't work for long in a relationship. I understand your point. Still, there is a lot of talk around here about how it erodes relationships for one party to consistently feel like their partner does not sexually desire them. Whether it's selfish or not, it's a reality. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 If one partner wants sex more than the other, what can be done?? Is this a relationship blower, no pun intended. I think this is bad. I feel this is bad. Men? would like your feedback. I think it leaves one partner feeling unwanted and I think it turns into a power play. Thoughts? This was an issue my H and I had way back before my affair. I wanted sex more than he did. He was happy with twice a month. I was not! I'm not saying that's the whole reason I had the affair, but it was part of it. When one partner isn't interested - especially if it's the man, it makes the woman feel unwanted and undesirable. It can lead to disaster. Maybe not through an affair, but it's not good for a marriage. Even if you aren't a Christian, the Bible gives pretty good advice when it comes to that. For husbands and wives, it says wives, your body is not your own - but your husband's and Husbands, your body is not your own, but your wives. I don't think that means that you don't get to choose what to do with your own body most of the time, but I do think it means sometimes you give to your spouse even when you don't "feel" like it. It's all about looking out for each other's needs. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 If one partner wants sex more than the other, what can be done?? Is this a relationship blower, no pun intended. I think this is bad. I feel this is bad. Men? would like your feedback. I think it leaves one partner feeling unwanted and I think it turns into a power play. Thoughts? It's extremely tough on a relationship, IME. Very draining for both parties involved and easily creates a lot of destructive feelings. I've never experienced power games in that context, though. I don't have any great strategies to suggest in terms of 'what can be done'. Mine resembled JA's suggestion in having sex when I didn't want to. It alleviated the problem somewhat but created other issues and didn't really address the underlying problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I know this is kinda off-topic, but I have just seen one of the most selfish, self-centered, hypocritical posts I have ever seen on this site. Anyway to answer the original question I think when two partner's sex drives are uneven that is when communication is viable. The partner with the high sex drive needs to discuss what's going on with the other partner's low sex drive, and try to find solutions to the issues, or split up/divorce if things aren't improving. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I know this is kinda off-topic, but I have just seen one of the most selfish, self-centered, hypocritical posts I have ever seen on this site. Distant, why don't you just come out straight and engage with whoever it is you're talking about, rather than implicitly throwing your characterizations on everyone who's contributed to this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I understand your point. Still, there is a lot of talk around here about how it erodes relationships for one party to consistently feel like their partner does not sexually desire them. Whether it's selfish or not, it's a reality. It's his problem, not hers. If he can't cultivate lustful feelings in his partner than it's his fault. He needs to figure out what he's doing wrong and fix it. If he had problems dating, and finding women, would you blame him or every woman out there? Link to post Share on other sites
kakui215 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 It's his problem, not hers. If he can't cultivate lustful feelings in his partner than it's his fault. He needs to figure out what he's doing wrong and fix it. If he had problems dating, and finding women, would you blame him or every woman out there? I"m sorry, but are you referring to a particular couple? You might be, but I"m not sure. If you're actually generalizing and saying that failure to "cultivate lustful feelings" in one's partner is always the man's fault, then... Man! I don't know what to say? Do you REALLY believe that? Of course, I'm sure that is the case in some situations, but keep in mind that "lustful feelings" are affected by all sorts of factors. What he does or doesn't do can be very important, but it's typically one of many factors. Both the wife and husband have a duty to attend to the intimate side of their relationship, emotionally and physically. Fixing problems with intimacy are not all his responsibility, just as they are not all hers. In some cases, however, negative attitudes toward sex might arise from things in her past and have nothing to do with her husband. He might be able to help her get past them, or but it could be mostly on her, with nothing for him to do except offer, perhaps, emotional support. That can be true no matter how good or bad of a lover he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) Distant, why don't you just come out straight and engage with whoever it is you're talking about, rather than implicitly throwing your characterizations on everyone who's contributed to this thread. Because I wasn't talking to you, that's why, nor was I throwing out characterizations on everyone. Edited January 20, 2011 by Distant78 Link to post Share on other sites
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