hope can always go up, tears can only come down...

[empty_chest]

hello loveshackers...i am new to this forum and quite frankly never thought i would ever search out such a website, let alone post a message on one...alas, my head is spinning in the pooper and i fear my heart has already been sucked down the drain...i need some advice from strangers as it is difficult for me to talk about matters of the heart with friends and family who fail to completely understand my views on love and relationships...

 

so the story goes -- met a girl one evening...we talked...we drank...we exchanged numbers...from the moment we started talking i was completely and utterly connected to her...i believe that there was nothing random about our meeting...she is unlike anyone i have ever met before in my life (honestly)...i have never told her this, but she has told me something similar about myself...anyway, point is that she is special and i am completely enchanted by her...ok, this is sounding boring and could go on forever...bare with me people...so we begin our "talking" portion of our relationship and all is going very well...we talk non-stop when we are together and thoroughly enjoy each others company as it is refreshing for both of us to meet another individual who shares similar interests and ideas about "everything" and also have completely new ideas and approaches to life in general...two weeks pass and she grows distant...i blow it off saying to myself that she has her life to live as do i...well then it progresses and she does not respond to sms messages or phone calls...i begin to worry...i begin to grow very selfish thinking only about my needs...finally, i hear a bit of gossip that she is dating someone else (was false) when i heard this i went kinda crazy and text messaged her telling her that i dont appreciate being made to look like a jack ass, etc...i was furious...she gets freaked out cuz i sent her about three super long text messages (she wouldnt answer her phone -- she was sleeping) so it ends up with her being upset with me and me feeling worthless...

 

this is the point that i begin to dwell and actually undergo a catharsis of sorts...we didnt speak for two weeks...i wanted her to have her space and i needed the time to really evaluate and analyze my behavior...i couldnt for the life of me think of why or how i could have reacted in such a blatantly selfish manner...its not my style...this is where i start to think about love...i do not wear my heart on my sleeve...i do not date often (i date a girl once about every year and commit to that relationship until either they get bored or i do) i know myself very well and i know when i am feeling something...i trust my feelings implicitly and they generally serve me very well...

 

after two weeks she sends me an email apologizing for how her behavior affected me but not for how she was acting...she had personal problems that she was dealing with which made me feel even worse about the situation...this is when i realized the selfish nature of my behaviors...sooooo, i emailed her back telling her that she had nothing to apologize for and that it would be great to see her...she responded telling me that she missed me and would like to meet face to face and talk, but not about what happened...i agreed and eventually i cleared up my mind and told her what i had been dealing with so that she would know that i was acting out of character...

 

we began talking again and it was shakey in the beginning, but then we fell back into eachother just as we had when we first met...we vibed really well...would hang out frequently...talk on the phone...blah blah blah...the only problem was that we never defined our relationship... we have never kissed nor had sex...she had slept at my apt. a few times but only once in my bed...she recently had a scare that she may have contracted hepatitis from a former boyfriend and she told me she really needed to keep her distance as she felt "dirty" ...

 

this past week we barely spoke and i saw her only once (while she was at work for a st. patricks day party) that night i went home and text messaged her how much i missed her...i was drunk, so i sent another telling her how much fun it had been and that i really missed her...then another one saying i dont even remember...all of them expressing positive things i felt towards her...the next day i received a message from her "not feeling so chatty today, eh?" i told her i felt bad for sending so many messages and that i was drunk and whatnot...i apologized and sent her a few really long ones telling her that i knew that sending her all those messages so late in the evening was not a good idea and she agreed...finally i suppose she got fed up with all the messages and wrote me one all it said was "CEASE"

 

i felt terrible

 

i still feel terrible

 

we havent spoken since...that was two days ago and while it is not a very long time i feel that she would rather give up on me and us...

 

please ask me questions...any comments...advice...

 

i feel that if someone were to take a scalpel to my sternum and cut me open there would be an empty vessel...

 

thank you...that is all...hope i did not bore the lot of you

[Arabess]

Truthfully, I think you are smothering her by being more possessive than acceptable in the time you two have been together.

 

Go back thru your story and to yourself....remember all the reactions you REALLY had when you thought she was spending time with someone else even BEFORE you had a serious relationship going with her.

 

I'm not sure if you can repair THIS relationship....but accepting and changing your actions....may save your next one.

 

You made the statement you date rarely but COMMIT upon that date until one of you decide to break it off. I would refrain from that sort of thought in the future. A date IS NOT A COMMITTMENT! If you try to make it one.....you may fall into this type of ending again and again. Most people prefer taking some time before the other person has any reason to question their comings and goings.

 

Lighten up and try to enjoy the dates you have rather than making more of them than called for.