Sometimes, It Does Work Out - A Positive Story

[Rubys]

I’m a long time lurker who has finally decided to post.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

First off, I would like to thank everyone who posts here for their honest stories, advice, feedback, and reality checks. The information and support here on Loveshack are great help to those lost souls struggling to make sense of complicated relationships.

 

I wanted to share my story and let everyone know that sometimes, things do work out the way we hope for.

 

I met my MOM over a year ago and we instantly fell into a very intense EA. (Me – married 5 years, no kids; him- married 11 years, 2 kids). We are both corporate professionals in fairly high-profile positions. Nothing physical ever happened between us, but the emotional intensity and irresistible attraction to each other became very clear to both if us early on. He never tried to sleep with me, he just wanted to talk and spend time together.

 

After about 2 months, I ended our relationship due to the fact that it was clearly becoming inappropriate. I refused to betray my H and my values wouldn’t let me pursue a MM with a family. He didn’t take it very well, but he respected my wishes.

 

Our EA was the first of its kind for both of us. This experience was a huge eye opener to me – something was horribly wrong in my M for me to desire another man. I spent the next 6 months trying to fix my M, communicate with my H, and understand what was missing. My H claimed he was perfectly happy and content in the relationship and he didn’t want to change anything. This resulted in him basically ignoring my pleas – he just wasn’t listening to me and was wrapped up in his own world. 3 more months of me beating my head against the wall – I left and filed for divorce. I wanted so much more from my M and my life, and my H clearly wanted something very different than I did. 1 month after I left, my H came crawling back after having “seen the light”, but the spark was gone for me and I was done with our relationship.

 

Fast forward another 6 months and ex MOM calls me up out of the blue and asks me to go for a drink – he wants to talk.

 

It turned out that just months after him and I went NC, him and his wife decided to end their marriage and share custody of the kids. They quickly separated, filed for D, sold their home, and went their separate ways.

 

xMOM told me how much he loved me, believed I was his soul mate, and how much he wanted me in his life. We are now happily dating and exploring an unencumbered, public relationship. We are madly in love. Each day is gets better and I am so excited to explore life with him and become a positive influence to his children.

 

I had no idea life would turn out the way it did, but I am the happiest I have ever been. I consider myself a very lucky person and I am extremely grateful for the love in my life.

 

The morale of this particular story – life will work out as it should if you don’t compromise your values and self-worth.

[TigerCub]

That is a nice story!

I like how everything worked out without compromising on your moral code.

 

So glad for you

Thanks for sharing.

[Carrot2000]

Awesome!

 

You both took the time to end your marriages before you got together; you treated your spouses with dignity and respect rather than gas lighting them. Good job!

[MorningCoffee]

Thank you for sharing your story. It is heartening to hear.

 

Also commendable for the way you each went about straightening out your own situations first.

 

Best wishes.

[Rubys]

Thanks for all the kind words. I have been wanting to post my story for a while, but haven't got around to it, until now.

 

I should also point out that ending my EA and subsequent relationship with him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It tore me up inside and I did some major soul searching before I made the final decision; I chose my H and work on my M. I also chose me - my sanity, my moral fabric, and my self worth. I knew the high road had to pay off in the end. The first 6, 7, 8 weeks after were extremely hard, but my gut told me it was the right choice. Things got a lot easier after I finally let go of him; finally set him free.

 

I never dreamed things would turn out like they have, but deep in my heart, I really wanted it to happen; I knew I anted to be with him one day.

 

To all the OW or MOW out there - whatever you do, don't sacrifice your values or self worth for ANY type of "love". In order for him to truly respect you, you must first respect yourself.

 

I will also say this - this type of experience has opened my eyes and mind to a struggle that MANY people face one time or another in their lives. I am no longer so quick to judge

Edited January 18, 2011 by Rubys

[OpenBook]

For every happy-ending story such as yours, there are 100 others out there who do NOT end up with "the love of their lives." They soldier on alone, with their personal values still intact, but alone nonetheless. That to me is infinitely harder... when there is no "reward" for keeping your own integrity.

 

I'm happy that it worked out for you. But I think it's deceptive to claim that if you just hold fast to your own values, you'll get your man. Many times, it doesn't work out that way.

[greengoddess]

For every happy-ending story such as yours, there are 100 others out there who do NOT end up with "the love of their lives." They soldier on alone, with their personal values still intact, but alone nonetheless. That to me is infinitely harder... when there is no "reward" for keeping your own integrity.

 

I'm happy that it worked out for you. But I think it's deceptive to claim that if you just hold fast to your own values, you'll get your man. Many times, it doesn't work out that way.

 

 

I disagree. If it is really love and you don't act on that love and jump in the sack having an affair than it has a much better chance for the happy ever after.

 

If you continue to be a side piece and giving him you, your body and all happy times then what is the motivation for him to leave? He doesn't have to leave to be with you. You already compromised your values and give him everything of you while you get half of him.

 

Ruby's story worked out because she kept her integrity intact and did not go down the affair road. She ended her marriage for the right reasons and can now with honor and integrity have her happy ever after knowing she was never anyones sidepiece.

 

There is no motivation for him to leave if you give him all of you while he is still there.

[Carrot2000]

Ruby's story worked out because she kept her integrity intact and did not go down the affair road. She ended her marriage for the right reasons and can now with honor and integrity have her happy ever after knowing she was never anyones sidepiece.

 

She also doesn't have to live with the guilt or have to deal with a hurt, angry, BS.

 

The "reward" for keeping your integrity--even if you end up alone--is that you are able to live with yourself, knowing that you made decisions that did not rip up people's lives. The reward is not living with years of regret.

[donnamaybe]

I disagree. If it is really love and you don't act on that love and jump in the sack having an affair than it has a much better chance for the happy ever after.

 

If you continue to be a side piece and giving him you, your body and all happy times then what is the motivation for him to leave? He doesn't have to leave to be with you. You already compromised your values and give him everything of you while you get half of him.

 

Ruby's story worked out because she kept her integrity intact and did not go down the affair road. She ended her marriage for the right reasons and can now with honor and integrity have her happy ever after knowing she was never anyones sidepiece.

 

There is no motivation for him to leave if you give him all of you while he is still there.

Yep. That's exactly my POV also.

 

She didn't hang around on the sidelines hoping for more and allowing a MM to dictate her life. She made her own life happen!

[lovingwhatis]

Wow Rubys, thanks for sharing your story here, it is quite unique.

 

I won't say that it didn't speak to the romantic side of me. Having had an EA as well, I can relate to your decision process, though there are differences. In my case, he wanted a PA, and I flat out told him on a number of occasions that there will be no meeting. We only communicated through phone and email.

 

I understand your choice of ending it for your sanity and moral integrity, I also know that you were probably pretty torn up over the actual EA, even though it wasn't a PA, which in many ways is what people consider a real A. I subsequently realized how my permeable emotional boundaries had set up the situation where we remained in contact for almost a year. Though I congratulated myself on not meeting him, the reality of the EA remained.

 

I have a question for you. You said that he didn't take it too well when you decided to end it. What was his response at that time? Did he share his feelings with you?

 

That's wonderful that now you are having a relationship with someone you love deeply and he loves you just as much! While I am surrendering this ideal and learning to embrace the unknown and remain open to Life, it is great to know that another human being is experiencing it.

[Confused4Now]

She also doesn't have to live with the guilt or have to deal with a hurt, angry, BS.

 

The "reward" for keeping your integrity--even if you end up alone--is that you are able to live with yourself, knowing that you made decisions that did not rip up people's lives. The reward is not living with years of regret.

Good point..and GG's point is right on. I left my marriage on it's own merits and it didn't have anything to do with my A. What i didn't do was walk away sooner when it was clear that my xMW actions showed she was not ready. Like it was said be strong and hold fast on your values. In bold is so true too!!!

[Rubys]

I disagree. If it is really love and you don't act on that love and jump in the sack having an affair than it has a much better chance for the happy ever after.

 

If you continue to be a side piece and giving him you, your body and all happy times then what is the motivation for him to leave? He doesn't have to leave to be with you. You already compromised your values and give him everything of you while you get half of him.

 

Ruby's story worked out because she kept her integrity intact and did not go down the affair road. She ended her marriage for the right reasons and can now with honor and integrity have her happy ever after knowing she was never anyones sidepiece.

 

There is no motivation for him to leave if you give him all of you while he is still there.

 

Thanks for that, GG, my sentiments exactly. It's funny that you mention this - a few days ago, he told me that when I ended our friendship and went NC, it was a clear sign to him that I respected myself more than my impulses and I would'nt settle for anything less than I knew I deserved.He said that as the months went by, he would have to be single and free in order to be with a woman like me. He also said he wouldn't have respected me as much if I had compromised my values and pursued and A with him.

 

By telling my story, I am not saying that everyone will get what they want if they hold tight to integrity. I am, however, saying that if you respect yourself and the lives of others, good things will come your way.

[Rubys]

Wow Rubys, thanks for sharing your story here, it is quite unique.

 

I won't say that it didn't speak to the romantic side of me. Having had an EA as well, I can relate to your decision process, though there are differences. In my case, he wanted a PA, and I flat out told him on a number of occasions that there will be no meeting. We only communicated through phone and email.

 

I understand your choice of ending it for your sanity and moral integrity, I also know that you were probably pretty torn up over the actual EA, even though it wasn't a PA, which in many ways is what people consider a real A. I subsequently realized how my permeable emotional boundaries had set up the situation where we remained in contact for almost a year. Though I congratulated myself on not meeting him, the reality of the EA remained.

 

I have a question for you. You said that he didn't take it too well when you decided to end it. What was his response at that time? Did he share his feelings with you?

 

That's wonderful that now you are having a relationship with someone you love deeply and he loves you just as much! While I am surrendering this ideal and learning to embrace the unknown and remain open to Life, it is great to know that another human being is experiencing it.

 

Thanks for your positive feedback. I'm fascinated by other people's stories and how they dealt with the challenges. Good for you on sticking to your values and being strong in the face of temptation.

 

As for my situation, when I ended things, he actually started to cry silently while I explained why I couldn't see him anymore. I was surprised by that because he is typically a very stoic man - he is a high powered executive. He then told me that my decision was probably for the best because he was falling in love with me, further complicating our situation. Prior to that, we had not admitted how we really felt about each other. He then told me that he needs to get his own house in order and figure out if he can make his M work or not. I could tell he was really hurt, but he respected me enough to let me go. He never broke NC and neither did I.

 

Later, he told me that he was glad I ended things when I did because he knew he wouldn't have been strong enough to do it.

[fooled once]

I’m a long time lurker who has finally decided to post.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

First off, I would like to thank everyone who posts here for their honest stories, advice, feedback, and reality checks. The information and support here on Loveshack are great help to those lost souls struggling to make sense of complicated relationships.

 

I wanted to share my story and let everyone know that sometimes, things do work out the way we hope for.

 

I met my MOM over a year ago and we instantly fell into a very intense EA. (Me – married 5 years, no kids; him- married 11 years, 2 kids). We are both corporate professionals in fairly high-profile positions. Nothing physical ever happened between us, but the emotional intensity and irresistible attraction to each other became very clear to both if us early on. He never tried to sleep with me, he just wanted to talk and spend time together.

 

After about 2 months, I ended our relationship due to the fact that it was clearly becoming inappropriate. I refused to betray my H and my values wouldn’t let me pursue a MM with a family. He didn’t take it very well, but he respected my wishes.

 

Our EA was the first of its kind for both of us. This experience was a huge eye opener to me – something was horribly wrong in my M for me to desire another man. I spent the next 6 months trying to fix my M, communicate with my H, and understand what was missing. My H claimed he was perfectly happy and content in the relationship and he didn’t want to change anything. This resulted in him basically ignoring my pleas – he just wasn’t listening to me and was wrapped up in his own world. 3 more months of me beating my head against the wall – I left and filed for divorce. I wanted so much more from my M and my life, and my H clearly wanted something very different than I did. 1 month after I left, my H came crawling back after having “seen the light”, but the spark was gone for me and I was done with our relationship.

 

Fast forward another 6 months and ex MOM calls me up out of the blue and asks me to go for a drink – he wants to talk.

 

It turned out that just months after him and I went NC, him and his wife decided to end their marriage and share custody of the kids. They quickly separated, filed for D, sold their home, and went their separate ways.

 

xMOM told me how much he loved me, believed I was his soul mate, and how much he wanted me in his life. We are now happily dating and exploring an unencumbered, public relationship. We are madly in love. Each day is gets better and I am so excited to explore life with him and become a positive influence to his children.

 

I had no idea life would turn out the way it did, but I am the happiest I have ever been. I consider myself a very lucky person and I am extremely grateful for the love in my life.

 

The morale of this particular story – life will work out as it should if you don’t compromise your values and self-worth.

 

I am VERY impressed with how you handled this! PERFECT!!!!

 

I wish you and your SO many years of openness, communication, honesty and respect for each other! GOOD LUCK!! :love:

[endlessness]

Thanks for your positive feedback. I'm fascinated by other people's stories and how they dealt with the challenges. Good for you on sticking to your values and being strong in the face of temptation.

 

As for my situation, when I ended things, he actually started to cry silently while I explained why I couldn't see him anymore. I was surprised by that because he is typically a very stoic man - he is a high powered executive. He then told me that my decision was probably for the best because he was falling in love with me, further complicating our situation. Prior to that, we had not admitted how we really felt about each other. He then told me that he needs to get his own house in order and figure out if he can make his M work or not. I could tell he was really hurt, but he respected me enough to let me go. He never broke NC and neither did I.

 

Later, he told me that he was glad I ended things when I did because he knew he wouldn't have been strong enough to do it.

 

Rubys, this was the most dignified course of action and I'm glad that's the one you chose. And the fact that he respected your choice shows that your emotional well-being meant more to him than his own ego. I applaud both of you for approaching your respective situations at home with honesty and fortitude.

I wish you two lasting happiness together.

[OWoman]

I disagree. If it is really love and you don't act on that love and jump in the sack having an affair than it has a much better chance for the happy ever after.

 

perhaps for some people. Mine worked out just dandy the other way.

 

If you continue to be a side piece and giving him you, your body and all happy times then what is the motivation for him to leave? He doesn't have to leave to be with you.

 

Wow! So sex is all about women sacrificing their bodies to the insatiable male appetite? Thank god on my planet, women also have sexual desire, needs and agency, and get as much as they give from sex (or more).

 

If all he wants is a cheap lay, then sure, he has no call to leave. But if that's all it is, why would someone want him to leave? If it's a love relationship, then he's got all the more motivation to leave once he's seen how good it can be. Would you buy a very expensive dress that you could only see wrapped up in a box on the shelf, without being able to try it on and see how it fits you? Perhaps some people would, and are happy to try to return it to the shop if they don't like it once they've paid for it and tried it on at home, but I'm not one of those. I like to know in advance what I'm getting into, and not waste my time or resources if it's not for me. Sure, others are different - which is why Ruby's story will resonate for some people, but not for others.

 

You already compromised your values and give him everything of you while you get half of him.

 

:lmao: :lmao: fair enough if you're one of those whose values are compromised. Having sex with someone never compromised my values, so this doesn't apply to me or those who share my views on the role of sex in Rs. And whether or not you get "half" of someone you're in a R with is up to you and what you're prepared to settle for - I for one never got anything less than I wanted. How much of someone you get has little to do with their marital status and everything to do with what you negotiate and how firm you're prepared to be on that.

[donnamaybe]

You know, when you COMPLETELY disregard the possibility that a MM could possibly be just using women for sex on the side, you do a GREAT disservice to women everywhere.

 

OP, I am glad it worked out for you, and by your own admission, your MM said he probably wouldn't have the level of respect needed to have a true R with you had you NOT held his feet to the fire. In that sense, GG is absolutely correct in that had you not made your expectations clear and then backed them up with action (going NC), your situation may not have turned out this way.

[Star_Bright]

For every happy-ending story such as yours, there are 100 others out there who do NOT end up with "the love of their lives." They soldier on alone, with their personal values still intact, but alone nonetheless. That to me is infinitely harder... when there is no "reward" for keeping your own integrity.

 

I'm happy that it worked out for you. But I think it's deceptive to claim that if you just hold fast to your own values, you'll get your man. Many times, it doesn't work out that way.

 

IMO if keeping (or regaining, or finding... which were more like it in my sitch) one's integrity requires one to be alone in the end, then that's a much better way for things to be than being/staying with someone who has no integrity and losing one's own integrity in the process.

 

I am alone, there is no shame in that, and I am better off for it. I think to give up one's integrity to stay with someone is a form of being co-dependent/needy. Best to make the best decision for yourself and look at integrity as its own reward rather than being in a relationship/being with someone else the reward.

 

Actually the best thing that came out of my A w/ xMM is that I realized I need to be alone, and to live my life for me, not him. That in itself is a reward.

[half_ofa_heart]

Actually the best thing that came out of my A w/ xMM is that I realized I need to be alone, and to live my life for me, not him. That in itself is a reward.

 

I am hoping to walk away with the same but each day that I remain, the more of my integrity goes with it.

 

Thanks for this post - you give me hope.

[dont-be-naive]

Each day is gets better and I am so excited to explore life with him and become a positive influence to his children.

 

what? his wife isn't already a positive influence on her children?

[Rubys]

what? his wife isn't already a positive influence on her children?

 

Just because I strive to be a positive influence in his children's lives does not necessarily mean their mother is a bad influence.

 

However, it's ironic that you say this because she actually is NOT currently a very positive influence on her children - she rarely sees them (he has primary custody at her request, this is apparently temporary) and she can be a heavy drinker. However, I am sure that in time she will get herself together and play a more active role in their lives. I certainly hope so, for her sake and theirs. I see myself as an additional resource in their lives, never a replacement mother.

[Rubys]

perhaps for some people. Mine worked out just dandy the other way.

 

 

 

Wow! So sex is all about women sacrificing their bodies to the insatiable male appetite? Thank god on my planet, women also have sexual desire, needs and agency, and get as much as they give from sex (or more).

 

If all he wants is a cheap lay, then sure, he has no call to leave. But if that's all it is, why would someone want him to leave? If it's a love relationship, then he's got all the more motivation to leave once he's seen how good it can be. Would you buy a very expensive dress that you could only see wrapped up in a box on the shelf, without being able to try it on and see how it fits you? Perhaps some people would, and are happy to try to return it to the shop if they don't like it once they've paid for it and tried it on at home, but I'm not one of those. I like to know in advance what I'm getting into, and not waste my time or resources if it's not for me. Sure, others are different - which is why Ruby's story will resonate for some people, but not for others.

 

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: fair enough if you're one of those whose values are compromised. Having sex with someone never compromised my values, so this doesn't apply to me or those who share my views on the role of sex in Rs. And whether or not you get "half" of someone you're in a R with is up to you and what you're prepared to settle for - I for one never got anything less than I wanted. How much of someone you get has little to do with their marital status and everything to do with what you negotiate and how firm you're prepared to be on that.

 

 

Hey OW, thanks for your reply. I've read a lot of your posts in the last year or so. I don't agree with everything you write, but I admire your gusto and respect your point of view - even as the OW, you have high standards and a lot of self respect. I see both sides of the coin now in terms of marital and extra marital relationships.

 

I understand what you are saying about "trying on clothes before you buy them". However, in my case, that statement is not really applicable because I did not leave my M for him, and he did not leave his W for me - we left our relationships for our own personal reasons. My former MOM did make me see that something was very wrong in my M, but he is not the reason I am no longer married.

 

I think the problem with many OW dating MM is that they don't set high enough standards for themselves and they end up living by the MM's agenda, therefore rendering themselves virtually powerless as long as they stay. Some stay in this position for years and years, waiting for him to leave. In the process of doing this, they lose themselves and their self worth. I find that so very sad. NO ONE will respect you more than you respect yourself, especially not a MM!

 

All the best to you and your happy ending

[Carrot2000]

However, I am sure that in time she will get herself together and play a more active role in their lives. I certainly hope so, for her sake and theirs. I see myself as an additional resource in their lives, never a replacement mother.

 

Some women would have used this situation as an opportunity to rip the mother apart, but instead you are viewing her with compassion and looking out for what's best for the children.

 

You are truly classy, Rubys.

[Rubys]

Yeah, I would say a woman who chooses to have an emotional affair could be considered something "wrong" with a marriage.

 

 

 

So I guess when you got married your vows were "For better or for worse, till death do us part... unless of course, I fall in love with a co-worker and my husband 'ignores' my pleas for change. Or my emotions for the week tell me I feel like a divorce."

 

The funny thing about this is that it's more likely to happen again. I guess you better be on the look out for any young ladies that come through the business, cos this new guy is obviously prone a little extra on the side.

 

Oh, but I forgot, it was his "First time ever doing something like this", right? Well thats probably true, and he probably wont do it again when the next one comes along...

 

First of all, you do not know my man, you know only what little I have written here. It can be ignorant to make stark assumptions based on such a limited amount of information. Please do not paint me or my partner with the same generic infidelity brush for your own resignation.

 

We do not work together, but do see each other at occasional business events, which is how we met. We are in different industries and have very different roles.

 

My decision to end my M was not based on a "weekly" feeling, or one I took lightly. I left my M because I was deeply unhappy, unfulfilled, and married to a partner who wanted a totally different life than I did. I divorced because I married the wrong person, plain and simple. People change after 8 years together, and he changed for the worse and had no desire to even try to compromise; he fully admitted this.

 

I am an agnostic, so the religious element is not applicable for me (or us).

 

Where is your apparent bitterness and pessimism (at least to in response to my posting) coming from, Christian?

[secondbest]

:DThis is a nice story. A rare one. Glad things are going good for you, i wish you the very best.

I’m a long time lurker who has finally decided to post.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

First off, I would like to thank everyone who posts here for their honest stories, advice, feedback, and reality checks. The information and support here on Loveshack are great help to those lost souls struggling to make sense of complicated relationships.

 

I wanted to share my story and let everyone know that sometimes, things do work out the way we hope for.

 

I met my MOM over a year ago and we instantly fell into a very intense EA. (Me – married 5 years, no kids; him- married 11 years, 2 kids). We are both corporate professionals in fairly high-profile positions. Nothing physical ever happened between us, but the emotional intensity and irresistible attraction to each other became very clear to both if us early on. He never tried to sleep with me, he just wanted to talk and spend time together.

 

After about 2 months, I ended our relationship due to the fact that it was clearly becoming inappropriate. I refused to betray my H and my values wouldn’t let me pursue a MM with a family. He didn’t take it very well, but he respected my wishes.

 

Our EA was the first of its kind for both of us. This experience was a huge eye opener to me – something was horribly wrong in my M for me to desire another man. I spent the next 6 months trying to fix my M, communicate with my H, and understand what was missing. My H claimed he was perfectly happy and content in the relationship and he didn’t want to change anything. This resulted in him basically ignoring my pleas – he just wasn’t listening to me and was wrapped up in his own world. 3 more months of me beating my head against the wall – I left and filed for divorce. I wanted so much more from my M and my life, and my H clearly wanted something very different than I did. 1 month after I left, my H came crawling back after having “seen the light”, but the spark was gone for me and I was done with our relationship.

 

Fast forward another 6 months and ex MOM calls me up out of the blue and asks me to go for a drink – he wants to talk.

 

It turned out that just months after him and I went NC, him and his wife decided to end their marriage and share custody of the kids. They quickly separated, filed for D, sold their home, and went their separate ways.

 

xMOM told me how much he loved me, believed I was his soul mate, and how much he wanted me in his life. We are now happily dating and exploring an unencumbered, public relationship. We are madly in love. Each day is gets better and I am so excited to explore life with him and become a positive influence to his children.

 

I had no idea life would turn out the way it did, but I am the happiest I have ever been. I consider myself a very lucky person and I am extremely grateful for the love in my life.

 

The morale of this particular story – life will work out as it should if you don’t compromise your values and self-worth.