Sometimes, It Does Work Out - A Positive Story

[woinlove]

Rubys ended her EA after about 2 months because she realized it was inappropriate and she was betraying her husband. She spent 6 months trying to fix her marriage and communicate with her husband. It didn't work out, so she ended the marriage, but not to be with the OM.

 

What more was she supposed to do?

 

I was writing about what I do and want, not about what Rubys was supposed to do. I discuss with my H any feelings and attraction I have for another man, well before there is the intense connection that Ruby's described in the first 2 months. If my H thinks further contact may not be good for our M or will bother him, then I don't pursue it.

 

Everything is out in the open and honest. That's the way I like it and I would hate to be in the situation of "trying to fix" our marriage -- or my H trying to fix our marriage -- and not really knowing what was at stake and what "irresistible attraction" and "emotional intensity" were already there for another. For me, any such "attempt" like that, which lacked openness and honesty, would be doomed to failure. I would never treat my H that way.

[Rubys]

Hmmmm, everyone's so delighted about this story.

 

But.. isn't an EA even worse than a PA, according to some?

 

There was an affair, after all, even though short-term. Did any of the parties involved actually informed their spouses about it, instead of just telling them that "things weren't working out any more" or something like that?

 

Even though there was a period of NC and all this reassurance that the A wasn't the reason for the crumbling of the two marriages, it was still, even if indirectly, the original cause of the whole turmoil - it was what instigated the whole process and resulted in a family break-up and children's lives being turned upside down, and it looks like that "detail" was rather concealed, no?

 

And since the lovers soon ended up together, it means that the whole time they had these feelings for each other, so working on a marriage in this state of mind is sort of a lost battle from the start and could turn into just finding excuses to justify the need to leave the spouse - he didn't listen etc - but was he told that there was someone else on the scene, even if not physically present?

 

Maybe if he had known that he'd have listened..

 

Hi Ellin,

 

You are making assumptions that are incorrect. Although I respect your critical thinking, I don't like pessimists who seem to enjoy bringing others down; something I've seen a lot of in your posts.

 

I will clarify a few points:

 

His marriage had been over for years before he and I met. This was confirmed by his xW when we had a discussion about this very topic. She was actually the one who first brought up ending the M, and he agreed it was the best thing to do. He told me later that he had stayed so long because he didn't want to upset the kids lives. When she told him she wanted out, he was actually relieved. His M did not end b/c of me.

 

I honestly did go back and work on my M as best I could. Yes, I had feelings for the OM for the first little while after NC started, but I got over it. A series of events happened during that 6 months where I really needed my xH's support, and it just wasn't there. The biggest one: my father was dying and he wouldn't even go to the hospital to see him b/c he never liked my mother. I had to beg him to go, and when he wouldn't, it was horribly embarrassing and huge let down for me. He even refused to attend my masters graduation ceremony with my parents b/c it meant he had to sit with them for 2 hours. My father died a week after I graduated. This was the breaking point for me, his selfishness and inability to understand my needs just became too much for me. There were several other things, but I don't feel I need to explain them.

 

I ended my marriage and began the process of healing myself while focusing on what I wanted for the future. I was not focusing on my former OM at all, he just kind of appeared in my life again one day and this time, it felt right. I'm sorry you seem to have a problem with that - why the apparent bitterness?

[Rubys]

I was writing about what I do and want, not about what Rubys was supposed to do. I discuss with my H any feelings and attraction I have for another man, well before there is the intense connection that Ruby's described in the first 2 months. If my H thinks further contact may not be good for our M or will bother him, then I don't pursue it.

 

Everything is out in the open and honest. That's the way I like it and I would hate to be in the situation of "trying to fix" our marriage -- or my H trying to fix our marriage -- and not really knowing what was at stake and what "irresistible attraction" and "emotional intensity" were already there for another. For me, any such "attempt" like that, which lacked openness and honesty, would be doomed to failure. I would never treat my H that way.

 

I am impressed the relationship and openness you have with your H - it's truly admirable. I never had that with my H, sadly.

[Rubys]

Rubys ended her EA after about 2 months because she realized it was inappropriate and she was betraying her husband. She spent 6 months trying to fix her marriage and communicate with her husband. It didn't work out, so she ended the marriage, but not to be with the OM.

 

What more was she supposed to do?

 

Thanks Carrot, my sentiments exactly.

[Rubys]

I agree. I hadn't posted on this for that reason as well. It reminds me of that story from the Matrimony Page of the New York times from last December.

 

The couple met via their kids' school. The families hung out and vacationed together. And one day, in a bar, the H told the other W that he loved her. She claims they never had sex, but she felt the same for him.

 

Their marriages ended. The spouses left are hurting. The five kids are thrown into the mess.

 

But the new couple is celebrating.

 

No offense to Rubys, as I know feelings for others happens in marriages, but I still see the EA as party to the marriages ending. Even if the spouses left behind didn't know about it. Even if there was no sex involved.

 

The spouses weren't truly in the know of what they were competing with to get their marriages back on track.

 

I would feel differently about this story if more time had gone by. Five years or more. That would prove that the EA didn't truly cause the marriage to be unfairly compared to the PA. It would prove that the APs actually put real time and effort into saving their marriages.

 

But this is just my opinion.

 

Not that I think this story is not positive to a degree. Its so much left out of what the EA really entailed. In the story that I relate, the couple involved didn't feel that they damaged their marriages either - but their spouses definitely felt differently. They changed. They pined for each other. And finally, the other spouse of one couldn't take it anymore and filed for divorce. They never tried to actually work on their marriages. They stayed married but they longed for another.

 

I'm sorry, but this story is nothing like my story, but I appreciate your response.

[Rubys]

Then why did you bring up, at all, anyone's level of "delight" with this story? You must have SOME kind of hang up about it.

 

People often have hidden motives behind their responses, especially when they are people who are in a situation that isn't quite all they would like it to be. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

 

And, yes. This particular story DOES prove what I think it does. If he hadn't left his W, the OP would have gone on to a fulfilling R with someone else instead of hanging onto empty promises for years like we see WAY too often on this forum.

 

Thank you, Donnamaybe, I agree with you on the hidden motives, but I won't waste any of my precious energy trying to figure it out.

 

I've read a lot of your posts over the past year and I have to say - I like your style. You view respect as paramount and you speak your mind without a hidden agenda - I like that! I may not agree with everything you post, but I respect your opinion and the articulate way in which you express it. Thanks for posting here.

[Rubys]

Some women would have used this situation as an opportunity to rip the mother apart, but instead you are viewing her with compassion and looking out for what's best for the children.

 

You are truly classy, Rubys.

 

Thanks, Carrot. That means a lot to me.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm sorry, but this story is nothing like my story, but I appreciate your response.

 

Its just the first thing that came to mind.

 

I don't think EAs are good things, but I do know that most people have been involved in one, if they are honest with themselves.

 

The guy at work that they have coffee with all the time and know that he feels something for them, but they don't want to go there....just yet. An EA in the making.

 

I think its good that you ended things in the time that you did and tried to fix your marriage with what you felt you could put into it.

 

There is a lot positive to be said about that. You and he didn't influence each other during your divorces and try to defraud your exes. That's absolutely positive.

 

IMO, the truly awful thing about when the MP leaves the M for the OP is when the OP gets themselves all into the details of the divorce and tells them what they think the spouse should and/or shouldn't get.

 

Marriages end all the time, unfortunately. But they should end with the dignity you gave to yours. It was between you and your xH (and family). That you didn't seek each other out until after the divorces had been final is definitely the positive part of this story!

 

I do wish you luck. I certainly didn't intend to offend if my first post came off in any way offensive.

[NoIDidn't]

I honestly did go back and work on my M as best I could. Yes, I had feelings for the OM for the first little while after NC started, but I got over it. A series of events happened during that 6 months where I really needed my xH's support, and it just wasn't there. The biggest one: my father was dying and he wouldn't even go to the hospital to see him b/c he never liked my mother. I had to beg him to go, and when he wouldn't, it was horribly embarrassing and huge let down for me. He even refused to attend my masters graduation ceremony with my parents b/c it meant he had to sit with them for 2 hours. My father died a week after I graduated. This was the breaking point for me, his selfishness and inability to understand my needs just became too much for me. There were several other things, but I don't feel I need to explain them.

 

 

I would not have put up with this any more either. Definitely nothing AT ALL like the story I was thinking of.

[Rubys]

I would not have put up with this any more either. Definitely nothing AT ALL like the story I was thinking of.

 

Thanks NID, I appreciate that. I put up with a lot of selfishness from my xH, and he refused to listen to me whenever I tried to address it. He even admits that now, but it took me leaving, and some time alone, for him to truly realize it. By the time he did, I was already moving on. His selfishness killed my love for him. Although I did everything I could to make him understand, he simply refused to see there was a problem. He has learned a very valuable lesson that I hope he takes to his next relationship.

 

Not to worry, you didn't come across as negative or judgmental in your post at all. I just wanted to clarify that my story is quite different from the one you posted. However, with the limited info I gave here, I can see how you thought they were similar. I guess everyone has a unique story. I wish you all the best

[donnamaybe]

Although I respect your critical thinking, I don't like pessimists who seem to enjoy bringing others down; something I've seen a lot of in your posts.

I have noticed this as well.

 

Here's the problem, Ruby. There are a few ways one could handle an A situation. You can take control of YOUR life (like you did) and let the chips fall where they may, whether you end up with your MP or not. Regardless what happens, YOU win. You have your life on your terms. Another way is to let the MP call the shots on whether you share them with someone else and wait in the wings, sometimes for years and years.

 

You are one of those who chose her own life. I think it highlights your strength vs. many others' weakness, and it's a tough pill to swallow for some.

[donnamaybe]

Thank you, Donnamaybe, I agree with you on the hidden motives, but I won't waste any of my precious energy trying to figure it out.

Pointless, I guess. I already wasted enough time on it.

 

I've read a lot of your posts over the past year and I have to say - I like your style. You view respect as paramount and you speak your mind without a hidden agenda - I like that! I may not agree with everything you post, but I respect your opinion and the articulate way in which you express it. Thanks for posting here.

Thank you, Ruby. I can hit a nerve sometimes, I know it, but my motives are good. I know what's in my own heart.

[Rubys]

I have noticed this as well.

 

Here's the problem, Ruby. There are a few ways one could handle an A situation. You can take control of YOUR life (like you did) and let the chips fall where they may, whether you end up with your MP or not. Regardless what happens, YOU win. You have your life on your terms. Another way is to let the MP call the shots on whether you share them with someone else and wait in the wings, sometimes for years and years.

 

You are one of those who chose her own life. I think it highlights your strength vs. many others' weakness, and it's a tough pill to swallow for some.

 

That's interesting, I hadn't really thought about things in that way - but it makes a lot of sense. I think you are bang on with that one; wise insight.

[Mimolicious]

I’m a long time lurker who has finally decided to post.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

First off, I would like to thank everyone who posts here for their honest stories, advice, feedback, and reality checks. The information and support here on Loveshack are great help to those lost souls struggling to make sense of complicated relationships.

 

I wanted to share my story and let everyone know that sometimes, things do work out the way we hope for.

 

I met my MOM over a year ago and we instantly fell into a very intense EA. (Me – married 5 years, no kids; him- married 11 years, 2 kids). We are both corporate professionals in fairly high-profile positions. Nothing physical ever happened between us, but the emotional intensity and irresistible attraction to each other became very clear to both if us early on. He never tried to sleep with me, he just wanted to talk and spend time together.

 

After about 2 months, I ended our relationship due to the fact that it was clearly becoming inappropriate. I refused to betray my H and my values wouldn’t let me pursue a MM with a family. He didn’t take it very well, but he respected my wishes.

 

Our EA was the first of its kind for both of us. This experience was a huge eye opener to me – something was horribly wrong in my M for me to desire another man. I spent the next 6 months trying to fix my M, communicate with my H, and understand what was missing. My H claimed he was perfectly happy and content in the relationship and he didn’t want to change anything. This resulted in him basically ignoring my pleas – he just wasn’t listening to me and was wrapped up in his own world. 3 more months of me beating my head against the wall – I left and filed for divorce. I wanted so much more from my M and my life, and my H clearly wanted something very different than I did. 1 month after I left, my H came crawling back after having “seen the light”, but the spark was gone for me and I was done with our relationship.

 

Fast forward another 6 months and ex MOM calls me up out of the blue and asks me to go for a drink – he wants to talk.

 

It turned out that just months after him and I went NC, him and his wife decided to end their marriage and share custody of the kids. They quickly separated, filed for D, sold their home, and went their separate ways.

 

xMOM told me how much he loved me, believed I was his soul mate, and how much he wanted me in his life. We are now happily dating and exploring an unencumbered, public relationship. We are madly in love. Each day is gets better and I am so excited to explore life with him and become a positive influence to his children.

 

I had no idea life would turn out the way it did, but I am the happiest I have ever been. I consider myself a very lucky person and I am extremely grateful for the love in my life.

 

The morale of this particular story – life will work out as it should if you don’t compromise your values and self-worth.

 

 

Wanna know why? Because you were sincere, mature and paid attention to your internal voice. You stopped yourself dead in your tracks, rather than being a train forecasted for total wreckage. In your own words, your didn't compromise who you are in the chase of a feeling. You are one-of-a-kind missy!

 

I wish you many years of happiness and keeping true to yourself!

Be blessed!

[Mimolicious]

For every happy-ending story such as yours, there are 100 others out there who do NOT end up with "the love of their lives." They soldier on alone, with their personal values still intact, but alone nonetheless. That to me is infinitely harder... when there is no "reward" for keeping your own integrity.

 

I'm happy that it worked out for you. But I think it's deceptive to claim that if you just hold fast to your own values, you'll get your man. Many times, it doesn't work out that way.

 

And what is the "reward" for losing it? A feeling? That btw, maybe even wont outlive ones values. At one point in R's we feel that this person is the "end-all be-all", yet times goes by it may not be the case. Just like celebrities... They get with someone "He is my soulmate, the love of my life, my true love" blah, blah, blah... 3 months later- FAIL! All sorts of unpretty names are on the headlines.

 

If your "man" is for you, he will respect who you are, what you stand for and will do the right thing. Not invite you to get lost in the fog.

[Mimolicious]

I am hoping to walk away with the same but each day that I remain, the more of my integrity goes with it.

 

Thanks for this post - you give me hope.

 

This just made me sad...

GURL! Get that other half of your heart back!!!!!! I'm still sad.

[2sure]

I'm so glad this success story was posted. It isnt just a story about an OW and MM that has a happy ending...but an excellent example of what should happen and the way it , in reality, does happen when a marriage is unhappy and meeting someone else is the catalyst for an exit.