Sometimes, It Does Work Out - A Positive Story

[blueroses10]

You know, when you COMPLETELY disregard the possibility that a MM could possibly be just using women for sex on the side, you do a GREAT disservice to women everywhere.

 

OP, I am glad it worked out for you, and by your own admission, your MM said he probably wouldn't have the level of respect needed to have a true R with you had you NOT held his feet to the fire. In that sense, GG is absolutely correct in that had you not made your expectations clear and then backed them up with action (going NC), your situation may not have turned out this way.

 

In all actuality, it's a possibility that any man (married or not) could use a woman for just sex. Dating single men leaves women open to the same thing.

 

Both people have to be on the same accord and know that they are striving for a relationship or they are only with each other for sex.

[BB07]

Hi Ruby........just wanted to say that I think the way you handled yourself is to be admired. You didn't lose your self respect nor were you a doormat, so kudos to you and I hope things work out well for you.

 

I'm a believer in that the longer an OW allows things to go on as being second best, the less likely she'll ever be a real choice.

[greengoddess]

perhaps for some people. Mine worked out just dandy the other way.

 

 

 

Wow! So sex is all about women sacrificing their bodies to the insatiable male appetite? Thank god on my planet, women also have sexual desire, needs and agency, and get as much as they give from sex (or more).

 

If all he wants is a cheap lay, then sure, he has no call to leave. But if that's all it is, why would someone want him to leave? If it's a love relationship, then he's got all the more motivation to leave once he's seen how good it can be. Would you buy a very expensive dress that you could only see wrapped up in a box on the shelf, without being able to try it on and see how it fits you? Perhaps some people would, and are happy to try to return it to the shop if they don't like it once they've paid for it and tried it on at home, but I'm not one of those. I like to know in advance what I'm getting into, and not waste my time or resources if it's not for me. Sure, others are different - which is why Ruby's story will resonate for some people, but not for others.

 

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: fair enough if you're one of those whose values are compromised. Having sex with someone never compromised my values, so this doesn't apply to me or those who share my views on the role of sex in Rs. And whether or not you get "half" of someone you're in a R with is up to you and what you're prepared to settle for - I for one never got anything less than I wanted. How much of someone you get has little to do with their marital status and everything to do with what you negotiate and how firm you're prepared to be on that.

 

Geeez we are talking about your body which is a gift to share with someone you love not a used car to take out for a test drive.

[lovingwhatis]

Thanks for your positive feedback. I'm fascinated by other people's stories and how they dealt with the challenges. Good for you on sticking to your values and being strong in the face of temptation.

 

As for my situation, when I ended things, he actually started to cry silently while I explained why I couldn't see him anymore. I was surprised by that because he is typically a very stoic man - he is a high powered executive. He then told me that my decision was probably for the best because he was falling in love with me, further complicating our situation. Prior to that, we had not admitted how we really felt about each other. He then told me that he needs to get his own house in order and figure out if he can make his M work or not. I could tell he was really hurt, but he respected me enough to let me go. He never broke NC and neither did I.

 

Later, he told me that he was glad I ended things when I did because he knew he wouldn't have been strong enough to do it.

 

Wow, you are one strong woman! I don't know if I could have been that strong in the face of someone I love crying.

 

I have another question for you, if you don't mind. After your marriage was over, and knowing how strong of feelings you had for him, did you wonder about him and whether some may happen in the future? Would you consider yourself as a romantic person?

 

I am currently moving into a new emotional space where I now feel this love that I used to associate with him, but now feel it towards life. The love is powerful, but it doesn't begin or end with him (nor any one person for that matter). I am starting to see how romantic love is the height of self-centeredness.

 

Very glad for you for allowing gracefully for your nurturing and care to extend to his children. It is a precarious situation it seems on some level, and it is sad that their mother isn't doing well. I trust and wish her that she will get the healing that she needs and regain her inner strength. In many respects you are his blessing and it is no coincidence that you are in his life.

[jwi71]

You know, I'm not sure your story even belongs in this forum.

 

A 2 month EA? Where, after 2 months, you each decided to back off, go NC and work on your respective lives/marriages doesn't qualify you as an OW.

 

I guess I should add...during this "EA"...would you say your actions would have been different in the presence of one or both spouses? My impression is "not really".

 

It sounds like two deeply unhappy and unsatisfied people met, got a taste of what life could be, and went about making that a reality in an honorable, moral and respectable fashion.

 

So, congratulations not only on your happiness but on maintaining your boundaries and dignity.

[Rubys]

Hi Ruby........just wanted to say that I think the way you handled yourself is to be admired. You didn't lose your self respect nor were you a doormat, so kudos to you and I hope things work out well for you.

 

I'm a believer in that the longer an OW allows things to go on as being second best, the less likely she'll ever be a real choice.

 

Thank you, BB, I really appreciate that. I also agree with you completely about the OW. I've read many of your posts and I've always found you to be classy, intelligent, and dignified.

 

All the best to you

[Rubys]

Some women would have used this situation as an opportunity to rip the mother apart, but instead you are viewing her with compassion and looking out for what's best for the children.

 

You are truly classy, Rubys.

 

Thanks, Carrot, that's a very nice thing to say:)

 

I definitely want what's best for the children, and their parents. I know she will pull it together eventually - this must be a huge lifestyle change for her also.

 

Both parents have clearly moved on from each other, and I can see how this is a huge adjustment for the kids. I am happy to be able to be a part of their lives, especially as they go through the confusing and chaotic teenage years. I know I could have used an independent ally to help guide me back then...

 

Cheers,

 

Ruby

[Rubys]

JW - I posted my story here for 2 reasons:

 

1. I often found myself thinking about life as the OW soon after I realized I had strong feelings for my MM. I had never been in that headspace before, so I started searching online for insight into what I was feeling/thinking at the time. That is how I found this forum. I wanted to share my story, especially with OW.

 

2. Which other forum is more appropriate? Marriage? Infidelity? This forum seemed the most appropriate somehow.

 

Lovingwhatis- Thanks for your reply. To answer your question I did think of MM a lot after we went NC, and I often daydreamed of what "could have been" for us. However, instead of holding out hope for him, I focused on what I liked about him and what I truly wanted in a partner/relationship. I learned a great deal about myself in this process. I wish you all the best in your journey

[datura_noir]

You know, it DOES happen, and for what it's worth, it usually works out for the best..

 

BS's don't usually stew for ages in depression; It can take a while because, let's face it-it hurts!! They eventually move on, with scars, but they do. And much smarter and wiser.

 

In fact, visit some infidelity/divorce boards; after things quell a bit, the betrayed partner usually finds a wonderful life companion, or finds a whole different lifestyle that they love.

 

People who truly love one another and forge that relationship under whatever circumstances have as good a shot as the rest of us.

 

It's sad that it happened due to infidelity or deception, but in time, usually things work out all around.

 

In a benevolent mood tonight....For what it's worth

[ricochet01gal]

Dear Rubys,

 

Your story deeply inspires me, particularly your commitment to your values, honest and rational approach in dealing with the situation, and struggling through with patience and dedication. I am so glad you took the time to write and share your experience with us.

 

You mention that you were not physical/did not have a physical relationship with this man (who is now your husband).

 

So, at what point did you decide "This is too much - I have to go NC"?

 

When and how did you exactly go NC with him?

 

Would you suggest NC if you had been single and the other man (your current husband) had a girlfriend (a relationship, but not married)? Or would you have maintained a friendship with him, even if you were both strongly attracted to each other (but not engaging in a physical relationship - very emotional and deep friends)?

Edited January 23, 2011 by ricochet01gal

[donnamaybe]

In all actuality, it's a possibility that any man (married or not) could use a woman for just sex. Dating single men leaves women open to the same thing.

 

Both people have to be on the same accord and know that they are striving for a relationship or they are only with each other for sex.

Um, but KNOWING already that you are sharing a man - and allowing it to go on for years and years - will almost DEFINITELY cement you into the role of a doormat.

 

Good for Ruby for taking a stand - for herself!

[OWoman]

In all actuality, it's a possibility that any man (married or not) could use a woman for just sex. Dating single men leaves women open to the same thing.

 

Absolutely - just as the possibility exists that the woman (M or not) could be using the man just for sex. Intimating that only men use women for sex does nobody any favours, IMO.

[OWoman]

You know, it DOES happen, and for what it's worth, it usually works out for the best..

 

BS's don't usually stew for ages in depression; It can take a while because, let's face it-it hurts!! They eventually move on, with scars, but they do. And much smarter and wiser.

 

In fact, visit some infidelity/divorce boards; after things quell a bit, the betrayed partner usually finds a wonderful life companion, or finds a whole different lifestyle that they love.

 

People who truly love one another and forge that relationship under whatever circumstances have as good a shot as the rest of us.

 

It's sad that it happened due to infidelity or deception, but in time, usually things work out all around.

 

In a benevolent mood tonight....For what it's worth

 

Yes. This resonates for me.

[Rubys]

Dear Rubys,

 

Your story deeply inspires me, particularly your commitment to your values, honest and rational approach in dealing with the situation, and struggling through with patience and dedication. I am so glad you took the time to write and share your experience with us.

 

You mention that you were not physical/did not have a physical relationship with this man (who is now your husband).

 

So, at what point did you decide "This is too much - I have to go NC"?

 

When and how did you exactly go NC with him?

 

Would you suggest NC if you had been single and the other man (your current husband) had a girlfriend (a relationship, but not married)? Or would you have maintained a friendship with him, even if you were both strongly attracted to each other (but not engaging in a physical relationship - very emotional and deep friends)?

 

Hey Ricochet Gal,

 

Thanks for your reply; I am really glad you can hopefully take something away from it.

 

I went NC with him after I realized I was developing very strong feelings for him, and it was starting to hurt. The pain was a clue to me that something was very wrong about the situation and I had to change it. It was around that time that I found LS and started to read stories from other women, and about affairs in general. That is when I realized I was heading down a bad road that would only likely destroy my life. If it were not for so many open and honest LS posters here, I may have know what I was potentially in for.

 

I ended things when he met me for coffee one day. I told him clearly how I felt about the situation and how it wasn't right for a MM to pursue another woman, nor was it right for me to become a cheater. He appreciated that I looked him in the eye as I ended things because he could see that it was hard for me, but I meant it. This helped him maintain NC as he understood this is what I wanted/needed. That conversation was honestly one of the hardest ones I've ever had to navigate - and I negotiate multi-million dollar contracts for a living!

 

I think that if 2 people are in relationships (marriages or otherwise) and they develop feelings for each other, they need to make a decision before things turn physical. I understand that the friendship can "just happen", but crossing the line into the physical is definitely a concious decision.

 

I know for myself, I will never let this type of thing happen again; I understand the warning signs now. I also learned a lot from my man when he told me that my forcing NC made him think a lot about his life, and how painful is was to be without me. He also respected me more for my morals and sacrifice in my attempts to do what is right.

 

I wish you all the best with your situation.

[Ellin]

Hmmmm, everyone's so delighted about this story.

 

But.. isn't an EA even worse than a PA, according to some?

 

There was an affair, after all, even though short-term. Did any of the parties involved actually informed their spouses about it, instead of just telling them that "things weren't working out any more" or something like that?

 

Even though there was a period of NC and all this reassurance that the A wasn't the reason for the crumbling of the two marriages, it was still, even if indirectly, the original cause of the whole turmoil - it was what instigated the whole process and resulted in a family break-up and children's lives being turned upside down, and it looks like that "detail" was rather concealed, no?

 

And since the lovers soon ended up together, it means that the whole time they had these feelings for each other, so working on a marriage in this state of mind is sort of a lost battle from the start and could turn into just finding excuses to justify the need to leave the spouse - he didn't listen etc - but was he told that there was someone else on the scene, even if not physically present?

 

Maybe if he had known that he'd have listened..

[bentnotbroken]

Hmmmm, everyone's so delighted about this story.

 

But.. isn't an EA even worse than a PA, according to some?

 

There was an affair, after all, even though short-term. Did any of the parties involved actually informed their spouses about it, instead of just telling them that "things weren't working out any more" or something like that?

 

Even though there was a period of NC and all this reassurance that the A wasn't the reason for the crumbling of the two marriages, it was still, even if indirectly, the original cause of the whole turmoil - it was what instigated the whole process and resulted in a family break-up and children's lives being turned upside down, and it looks like that "detail" was rather concealed, no?

 

And since the lovers soon ended up together, it means that the whole time they had these feelings for each other, so working on a marriage in this state of mind is sort of a lost battle from the start and could turn into just finding excuses to justify the need to leave the spouse - he didn't listen etc - but was he told that there was someone else on the scene, even if not physically present?

 

Maybe if he had known that he'd have listened..

 

 

Really?

[donnamaybe]

Intimating that only men use women for sex does nobody any favours, IMO.

Please point out where ANYONE in this thread "intimated" that. We all know other stories of men involved with MW who lead THEM on as well.

[woinlove]

Hmmmm, everyone's so delighted about this story.

 

But.. isn't an EA even worse than a PA, according to some?

 

There was an affair, after all, even though short-term. Did any of the parties involved actually informed their spouses about it, instead of just telling them that "things weren't working out any more" or something like that?

 

Even though there was a period of NC and all this reassurance that the A wasn't the reason for the crumbling of the two marriages, it was still, even if indirectly, the original cause of the whole turmoil - it was what instigated the whole process and resulted in a family break-up and children's lives being turned upside down, and it looks like that "detail" was rather concealed, no?

 

And since the lovers soon ended up together, it means that the whole time they had these feelings for each other, so working on a marriage in this state of mind is sort of a lost battle from the start and could turn into just finding excuses to justify the need to leave the spouse - he didn't listen etc - but was he told that there was someone else on the scene, even if not physically present?

 

Maybe if he had known that he'd have listened..

 

I was wondering about some of the responses too and so haven't commented on this thread until I saw your post.

 

It certainly isn't the way I would want my H to treat me or want to treat my H. However, maybe some couples don't want a lot of openness and communication, particularly when there are some problems. I think Rubys said this was all fine with her values and suggests it is okay with her new partner too, so perhaps they would both be fine with treating each other that way a decade or so down the road if things change for them. They have this behavior in common and I'm not reading that Rubys sees the need to really change - but please correct me if I am wrong, Rubys.

 

It wouldn't work for me as I wouldn't feel good not being honest and open with my H and I like him to treat me with the same respect and honesty. To me, physical or emotional, doesn't make any difference. If any connection impacts in any way on my time, energy, feelings, thoughts of my H and/or M, or even just of myself, I discuss it with my H and he does the same.

[donnamaybe]

Hmmmm, everyone's so delighted about this story.

And you aren't because...? Perhaps because the woman in this story is proving what many of us say all along - that letting a MM/MW have his/her way (two people at their beck and call) is NOT the way to handle an A situation? That refusing to be second string in a love triangle and make your MM/MW choose is the best way to go?

[Ellin]

And you aren't because...?

I didn't say I'm not and I didn't say I am.

Perhaps because the woman in this story is proving what many of us say all along - that letting a MM/MW have his/her way (two people at their beck and call) is NOT the way to handle an A situation? That refusing to be second string in a love triangle and make your MM/MW choose is the best way to go?

 

Or perhaps I actually meant what I wrote in my post??

 

What I wanted to point out are the contradictions and inconsistencies in some posters' attitudes to As.

 

I really don't see why you would like to assign me hidden, deceptive and low motives, since I gave you no reason to do so and you are not on the right track here.

 

Do you just enjoy being contrary?

 

And BTW I don't think that this particular story proves what you think it does. Each case is different.

[donnamaybe]

I didn't say I'm not and I didn't say I am.

Then why did you bring up, at all, anyone's level of "delight" with this story? You must have SOME kind of hang up about it.

 

I really don't see why you would like to assign me hidden, deceptive and low motives, since I gave you no reason to do so and you are not on the right track here.

 

Do you just enjoy being contrary?

 

And BTW I don't think that this particular story proves what you think it does. Each case is different.

People often have hidden motives behind their responses, especially when they are people who are in a situation that isn't quite all they would like it to be. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

 

And, yes. This particular story DOES prove what I think it does. If he hadn't left his W, the OP would have gone on to a fulfilling R with someone else instead of hanging onto empty promises for years like we see WAY too often on this forum.

[Ellin]

Then why did you bring up, at all, anyone's level of "delight" with this story? You must have SOME kind of hang up about it.

I've just explained to you why and am not going to waste my time repeating myself, since clearly I cannot find the right words for you to understand, anyway.

People often have hidden motives behind their responses, especially when they are people who are in a situation that isn't quite all they would like it to be. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

People might have, but that's not a good reason to accuse a particular person of something that has no basis.

And, yes. This particular story DOES prove what I think it does. If he hadn't left his W, the OP would have gone on to a fulfilling R with someone else instead of hanging onto empty promises for years like we see WAY too often on this forum.

Aha, so you have a gift of seeing the future or its different variants.

Ok.

 

Anyway, I have better things to do with my time than engaging with someone who just wants to argue.

 

Have a nice evening.

[donnamaybe]

No. You never said WHY you brought up, at all, the fact that people were "delighted" with this story. Not at all.

 

As for arguing, it's impossible for only one person to argue.

 

Yes, I suppose the OP could have gone on to NEVER have a relationship EVER again, but I hardly think that's a possibility. If it makes you feel better to think so, then have at it.

[NoIDidn't]

Hmmmm, everyone's so delighted about this story.

 

But.. isn't an EA even worse than a PA, according to some?

 

There was an affair, after all, even though short-term. Did any of the parties involved actually informed their spouses about it, instead of just telling them that "things weren't working out any more" or something like that?

 

Even though there was a period of NC and all this reassurance that the A wasn't the reason for the crumbling of the two marriages, it was still, even if indirectly, the original cause of the whole turmoil - it was what instigated the whole process and resulted in a family break-up and children's lives being turned upside down, and it looks like that "detail" was rather concealed, no?

 

And since the lovers soon ended up together, it means that the whole time they had these feelings for each other, so working on a marriage in this state of mind is sort of a lost battle from the start and could turn into just finding excuses to justify the need to leave the spouse - he didn't listen etc - but was he told that there was someone else on the scene, even if not physically present?

 

Maybe if he had known that he'd have listened..

 

I was wondering about some of the responses too and so haven't commented on this thread until I saw your post.

 

It certainly isn't the way I would want my H to treat me or want to treat my H. However, maybe some couples don't want a lot of openness and communication, particularly when there are some problems. I think Rubys said this was all fine with her values and suggests it is okay with her new partner too, so perhaps they would both be fine with treating each other that way a decade or so down the road if things change for them. They have this behavior in common and I'm not reading that Rubys sees the need to really change - but please correct me if I am wrong, Rubys.

 

It wouldn't work for me as I wouldn't feel good not being honest and open with my H and I like him to treat me with the same respect and honesty. To me, physical or emotional, doesn't make any difference. If any connection impacts in any way on my time, energy, feelings, thoughts of my H and/or M, or even just of myself, I discuss it with my H and he does the same.

 

I agree. I hadn't posted on this for that reason as well. It reminds me of that story from the Matrimony Page of the New York times from last December.

 

The couple met via their kids' school. The families hung out and vacationed together. And one day, in a bar, the H told the other W that he loved her. She claims they never had sex, but she felt the same for him.

 

Their marriages ended. The spouses left are hurting. The five kids are thrown into the mess.

 

But the new couple is celebrating.

 

No offense to Rubys, as I know feelings for others happens in marriages, but I still see the EA as party to the marriages ending. Even if the spouses left behind didn't know about it. Even if there was no sex involved.

 

The spouses weren't truly in the know of what they were competing with to get their marriages back on track.

 

I would feel differently about this story if more time had gone by. Five years or more. That would prove that the EA didn't truly cause the marriage to be unfairly compared to the PA. It would prove that the APs actually put real time and effort into saving their marriages.

 

But this is just my opinion.

 

Not that I think this story is not positive to a degree. Its so much left out of what the EA really entailed. In the story that I relate, the couple involved didn't feel that they damaged their marriages either - but their spouses definitely felt differently. They changed. They pined for each other. And finally, the other spouse of one couldn't take it anymore and filed for divorce. They never tried to actually work on their marriages. They stayed married but they longed for another.

[Carrot2000]

I was wondering about some of the responses too and so haven't commented on this thread until I saw your post.

 

It certainly isn't the way I would want my H to treat me or want to treat my H. However, maybe some couples don't want a lot of openness and communication, particularly when there are some problems. I think Rubys said this was all fine with her values and suggests it is okay with her new partner too, so perhaps they would both be fine with treating each other that way a decade or so down the road if things change for them. They have this behavior in common and I'm not reading that Rubys sees the need to really change - but please correct me if I am wrong, Rubys.

 

It wouldn't work for me as I wouldn't feel good not being honest and open with my H and I like him to treat me with the same respect and honesty. To me, physical or emotional, doesn't make any difference. If any connection impacts in any way on my time, energy, feelings, thoughts of my H and/or M, or even just of myself, I discuss it with my H and he does the same.

 

Rubys ended her EA after about 2 months because she realized it was inappropriate and she was betraying her husband. She spent 6 months trying to fix her marriage and communicate with her husband. It didn't work out, so she ended the marriage, but not to be with the OM.

 

What more was she supposed to do?