Oh say, what is this thing called Trust....?

[TaraMaiden]

I was out with a friend the other evening, and we were discussing all kinds of girly stuff, like guys, relationships, how they can drive us nuts, that kind of thing...

And we hit upon the trust issue.

 

Now:

I maintain that in order to have a really balanced and well-grounded relationship, the main three qualities, or components that keep it buoyant, are Communication, Respect and Trust.

And of the three, Trust is the most difficult one to deal with, if it's broken.

And after we had parted company, after putting the whole world to rights and generally mouthing off and being righteous, I set me to thinking.

 

Trust is a huge issue on this forum.

I would say maybe 95% of threads hinge on broken Trust, betrayed trust, and trying to somehow rebuild it, for future relationshships.

 

But here's what I think.

 

I think people actually don't WANT to trust.

 

We grow up in a tough world, beset by injustices (always keenly felt as youngsters) and we see the flaws in our peers, siblings, parents and elders, and we learn, very early on, that in general, the one thing we can trust above everything else, is ourselves and our Gut instinct.

Everything else can rot.

We find it difficult to trust, because it goes against the grain.

And if we Trust someone, sooner or later, something does happen (either in one fell swoop, or via minor little incidents) to make our view of that person a little more jaded, and less 'Rosy-spectacled'.

Besides, Trust is for suckers. And by not trusting, we can then feel vindicated for not trusting, when whoever breaks our trust, breaks it.

We still feel offended, we still feel affronted.

We ask how on earth we could have been betrayed, and how can we ever Trust anyone ever again??

 

The fact is, we never did, completely. And we don't want to trust others.

Trust goes against every primal, survival instinct.

 

Seeing the good in everyone, believing that goodness can and does exist in the depths of every soul, is one thing.

But Trusting it to manifest for you, when you need it most - is quite another.

As the saying goes - 'By all means call on God - but the wise, at least, row away from the rocks.'

 

Trust is a contentious issue. But it might be an easier issue to deal with, if we all just admitted that not only do we have little trust in others - it's actually wisest to be mistrustful.

Complete trust, is a weakness.

 

A wise person once said:

 

"One should Wise enough to forgive an enemy, but never be foolish enough to trust him.

 

 

Thoughts?

[JohnnyBlaze]

I think you're right in that, if you trust people completely, sooner or later, they will do something to break that 100% trust. Even if you look at yourself, at one point or another, you have undoubtedly let yourself down. It's part of being human. The keys are in the degree to which the trusted party let you down, the ramifications from it and your willingness to truly forgive.

 

I don't think we want to be mistrustful of others, though. We don't necessarily want to trust everyone, but we don't want to be suspicious of them all, either. Personally, I am happy that there are a few key people with whom I trust everything about me, including my freedom and my life. I can come to them with absolutely anything and know that it won't go any further than the two of us. At times, it is like having a second conscience without the same emotional attachment to a situation.

 

Yes, my trust in my Brothers and Sisters may come back to bite me one day. They have a lot of things on me that could cause me a great number of problems. However, many of my own actions have had the same result over the years, which proves that my trust in myself is no better advised. So if I have to go through life on my own, or having a few people who I fully believe will watch my back and maybe check me from time to time, I'll gladly take the latter.

[funinTibet]

Well, we cannot get things done without trust. For instance, if I put my kid to school and pay the fees, I simply have to trust that the teacher does her job well and gives me value for my money. I don't really have any choice. And if I marry someone, it will be because I trust him that he will treat me right and stick to me throughout out. Oh yes, things do not always turn out as they ought to, but then, that is life.

[eternalsunrise]

One thing that is true about me through my experience is that, I will never love again like the way I loved my Ex from around 2004-2007, because I will never TRUST like that again. I felt so many amazing emotions and felt so much growth as a person during that time--everything I saw, felt, encountered had a silver lining. I've asked myself time and time again why did I feel that way. Was it REALLY this guy or just me--where I was at in my development/a timing thing. I was so bitter on that guy for so long even though looking at that guy gosh he was nothing great. He was actually a real douche. (sorry can we say that on LS? lol) The difference back then was ME! *I* was open and trusted wholeheartedly. I often wish I could trust like that again, merely to experience that kind of love again. But psychologically, I don't think that's possible for me. I'm searching for that ability to trust again though because I know it is the key to a beautifully fulfilled life.

These days, I'm more in the camp of love-is-a-myth.... and being smart, guarding myself, while building "love" on being practical. I want that other state of love and trust again though in my life. I wonder if there's a way to trust again. Doubt it. WAH

[Disillusioned]

I don't trust anyone. Why should women be the exception?

[TLCbear]

I think people actually don't WANT to trust.

 

I think this is true for most people who have been burnt or have that first hand experience...but it's moreso of not wanting to trust for fear of being hurt. There are different extensions of trust...such as trusting your doctor, teacher, or bank teller....trusting a friend vs. trusting a co-worker...trusting your SO. In some instances, the trust is not the same...it may be on a different level. Trusting a doctor may be slightly different than trusting a co-worker.

[TLCbear]

One thing that is true about me through my experience is that, I will never love again like the way I loved my Ex from around 2004-2007, because I will never TRUST like that again.

 

*I* was open and trusted wholeheartedly. I often wish I could trust like that again, merely to experience that kind of love again. But psychologically, I don't think that's possible for me. I'm searching for that ability to trust again though because I know it is the key to a beautifully fulfilled life.

 

I totally agree. That is how I feel right now. My last relationship has taught me just that...eventhough I had been in two relationships before this, looking back, I was a totally different person. I gave trust from the jump, I looked at things with rose colored glasses on, but now, I look at things totally different. I no longer trust wholeheartedly, I no longer look through rose colored glasses. That relationship definitely opened my eyes to the reality of things....and I know I will never be the same person ever again....will never trust like that again....and probably will not love like that again. Kind of sad if you ask me.

[eternalsunrise]

I totally agree. That is how I feel right now. My last relationship has taught me just that...eventhough I had been in two relationships before this, looking back, I was a totally different person. I gave trust from the jump, I looked at things with rose colored glasses on, but now, I look at things totally different. I no longer trust wholeheartedly, I no longer look through rose colored glasses. That relationship definitely opened my eyes to the reality of things....and I know I will never be the same person ever again....will never trust like that again....and probably will not love like that again. Kind of sad if you ask me.

 

It is sad!

[TaraMaiden]

Lack of Trust should never stop you from Loving. The two are quite different....

There is no reason why you cannot love with all your heart.

That doesn't mean giving it away.

[StalledGirl]

I'm willing to love again , let someone in etc but I know I can't trust someone to not hurt me in the long run. I was born this way and was so hurt by the end of a relationship a couple ago that such feelings were reinforced.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm willing to love again , let someone in etc but I know I can't trust someone to not hurt me in the long run. I was born this way and was so hurt by the end of a relationship a couple ago that such feelings were reinforced.

No, you weren't born this way you were conditioned to believe this by Circumstance. nobody is born distrustful it's something they learn.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm willing to love again , let someone in etc but I know I can't trust someone to not hurt me in the long run. I was born this way and was so hurt by the end of a relationship a couple ago that such feelings were reinforced.

No, you weren't born this way you were conditioned to believe this by Circumstance. nobody is born distrustful it's something they learn.

[trippi1432]

I'm glad I came across this thread...I literally woke up this morning with my mind screaming that I can never trust anyone ever again. I knew that I never trusted my exH and I was right, but more recently I allowed myself to get hurt and realized that I threw trust in up front until each hurt diminished that trust more and more. And to be fair, trust is a two-way street...it can diminish on both sides because at the very core, trust is about human nature and the acts of selfishness versus selflessness.

 

On the very real side of that, I know that is me and my perceptions. If we allow someone to hurt us and tolerate it, it's just giving them permission to continue. If someone cheats on us and we continue to tolerate it, we give them permission. If someone says things to hurt our feelings and we continue to tolerate it, again...permission.

 

If we tell people how we want to be treated or how a behavior of theirs makes us feel and they continue to do it (lack of respect), that is on them. If someone is a cheater and never rectifies that behavior when it is pointed out, that is on them. If someone has an addiction that is hurting the family and won't get help, that is also on them.

 

So, when it comes to trust, it's not just about trusting the other person but about trusting ourselves as well...when a person gets hurt and says that they cannot trust again...can they not trust that person who they perceived hurt them or can they not trust themselves to stop giving that person permission to continue?