NC and being cyberstalked my BW

[greengoddess]

He never knocked his marriage. He actually maintained that he was happier than a clam while at the same time, telling me about terrible marriage busters. He didn't even have enough insight to register that the things he had to deal with was NOT ok. The things he said to me were akin to someone telling me that their husband beats them but they don't mind because they deserved it because they provoked them. The only difference is they were verbal, not physical. I don't think he lied about those things.

 

wow so he actually was happy with his marriage until you, his mistress, told him he should not be. Wow.

[artemis-love]

Then why were you out with him without his wife knowing, especially why would you say there is NO WAY his wife knew? How do you know this if you were out as friends? Why wouldn't he tell her hey I'm shopping with our friend so and so. Oh I KNOW because he was in the habit of lying to his wife especially when it came to inappropriate relationships with women. 2 years before your affair began he was already lying to her about spending time with you..

 

Why would you mention something that is trivial and had no meaning to you?Of course he was spending time with me. We are colleagues. Colleagues spend time together, and gasp, eat lunch together. There is nothing to discuss.

 

If your spouse had the need for a blow-by-blow of every minute of your life, then that is really a problem.

 

You mean all those things he promised his wife first that he neglected to take back from his wife before telling you those same things?

 

It is irrelevant that the wife got their first when it comes to "who hurts more". That is a straw man argument that doesn't address the fact that the OW also has feelings and hurts just the same as anyone else.

 

wow so he actually was happy with his marriage until you, his mistress, told him he should not be. Wow.

 

Stockholm syndrome is fairly common among people who are abused.

[fooled once]

If this isn't his first affair, she knows the drill by know.

 

She has reason not to trust him, nor you.

 

He is NOT putting up with anything that he doesn't WANT to.

 

If your website is public, there's nothing you can do

 

She will wise up one day and start to question why she feels she isn't good enough to have an honest man in her life.

 

If this is the worst she has done, be thankful.

 

Are you still in contact with him??

 

Great post

 

He's your EX-ap, so why are you so concerned about his marriage and life. He chose his wife over you. She isn't "abusing" him, she's doing what ALL Betrayed Spouses do after a D-Day.

 

It's a public blog or whatever, she can look. make it private if you want her to stop.

 

Anyway, you are only hearing HIS side of things, for all you know he could have BEGGED her for a second chance. You're making it sound like she's unstable.

 

This man LIED and betrayed her, the woman he said vows to, he's cheated on her before yet you say you are the first "one" he had a heart affair with? Do you truly believe that????

 

Anyway, make your site private, forget about her and him, focus on yourself and healing, letting go. he is your past, you're in NC mode with, yes?

 

Great post

 

I understand it can be disconcerting. My guess is 1) she's curious about you and 2) she's waiting to see if anything pops up that would indicate there's further contact or involvement between you and her H.

 

Seeing it from the BW's side, an A hit her upside the head. She's on guard as much as possible right now. This includes watching her WH and you if she can. She's probably looking sideways at any woman he knows right now as well wondering "what if and is that a possibility?" If she's not bothering you, then I'd say let it be.

 

FWIW, when you put your "stuff" out there on a public site, it's there for anyone to take a look at. If it really makes you uncomfortable, take the site down for a while.

 

Great post

 

Here's a thought....she does indeed appear to be insecure.

 

But, given that your opening post noted that this wasn't his first affair...clearly at this point, she's got sound REASON to feel insecure?

 

See, this is a viscious cycle. He cheats, she becomes insecure. Her new insecurity makes for a rockier relationship...so he cheats again. Contiuum ad nauseum.

 

Don't blame her for her insecurities...take a look at the source of her stress.

 

As far as her visiting your webpage, I'd suggest you recall the adage..."Keep your friends close...".

 

She doesn't trust his relationship with you. She's likely scouring your site periodically looking for any possible signs of renewed contact/continuation of the affair. You probably ARE an obsession for her at this point...but that shouldn't be surprising to you or anyone else, really.

 

What do you think you would do if you were in her position? Even if you think you know...it's darned hard to predict until you're there. I certainly didn't react the way that I (and everyone else) thought that I would. But if you look at it...is it really all that surprising that she's reacting the way that she is?

 

Given that there's ANY contact between you (business or otherwise), she's going to seek any means she can to determine the truth of what's going on...even if that means scouring your blogpage.

 

Expect it to continue.

 

Great post

 

OP, I am getting the idea from your posts that you, too are involved in an "unhealthy codependent relationship" with the man.

 

His wife's problems, her behavior, and their relationship is actually none of your business.

 

Too bad for her that she is wasting her time and energy "stalking" your website - I don't see what impact that has upon you, since she is in no way harassing you personally.

 

You said that during this period of NC, he is supposed to choose?

 

Will you accept him if he chooses you?

 

What is YOUR work during this period of NC? It seems like you have decided that it's to remain as emotionally enmeshed as possible. Maybe you should try to disentangle yourself from this man and his wife during this time, and see what your life could look like without them.

 

Great post.

 

She will continue to view your website (which isn't stalking btw) as long as she wants. You are still involved with her husband. You even state you are waiting for him to pick you. Why are willing to settle for such a messed up guy?

 

If viewing a website is stalking, the LoveShack and Facebook have lots of stalkers.

 

Please don't start making accusations about someone that are inaccurate.

 

So do you consider yourself a stalker since you stalked her husband? Do you consider what you did to her wrong? Do you consider it wrong that you 'love' a messed up lying cheater who is a coward?

 

I don't believe half the things he allegedly said - and I further believe his wife has EVERY REASON to not trust him. LOOK AT HIM - he is untrustworthy!!!

 

Why doesn't he divorce her if she is just so unstable? If he loves you like he claims, why isn't he with you?

 

Continue to believe the garbage he spews at you. Continue to wait around for her to hand her husband over to you. Continue to wait.

 

He sounds like such a loser.

 

People DO get divorced, and quickly. My last straw was on a Saturday and on Monday I was on the phone with the lawyers office and meeting with her on Thursday. So people who do want to get divorced, can do it quickly. And I had a 6 year old at the time. So it can be done.

 

This guy has no desire to divorce his wife.

 

Time for you to realize he lied to you. He isn't going to be with you, he isn't going to be co-parenting with you and you two aren't going to grow old together.

 

He is married. He can't have a girlfriend when married (at least legally). He used you. You allowed him to get close to your child and he used that.

 

Again, this guy is a loser.

[pureinheart]

My Ex-AP and I ended our relationship a while ago after we were discovered. This isn't the first time he had an affair but this is the first time he had an affair of the heart.

 

He has been severely emotionally abused by the BW. Not that he said this to me. This is just something I know from talking with him and hearing the stuff he puts up with it.

 

Right now she monitors all his email, vm etc. She has been like this since before we started an affair but it ramped up after d-day.

 

Anyway, she now stalks me. I have my own website in which she visits every single day, several times a day. She reads articles, looks at my photos etc.

 

I really don't understand WHY she is doing this.

 

He has maintained, (before we went NC) that she is obsessed with me rather than the problems in his marriage. He is going to therapy with her in hopes that they can understand each other, and once and for all know if the marriage is dead or not. (And also, if it breaks up, that she doesn't think the reason is me... because it isn't. It was always about the problems between them.)

 

Anyway, how should I react to this? She's been doing this for over 6 months?

 

 

First off, we all reserve the right to refuse service to any unwanted contact...period. If I were you I would contact the authorities to find out how to go about keeping her off of your site.

 

This is your life, please do not play games with it and please take this individual serious.

 

She could be more of a psycho than you know, or what he told you.

 

Please take care and remember that none of these people have to live in your shoes....document everything and please take action.

Edited January 19, 2011 by pureinheart

[whichwayisup]

First off, we all reserve the right to refuse service to any unwanted contact...period. If I were you I would contact the authorities to find out how to go about keeping her off of your site.

 

The cops will tell her, 'Make your site private.' It's impossible to keep someone off a public site, unless the cops arrest the BS and put her in jail..And so far what she's done hasn't warranted that, unless there's details (death threats, physical evidence etc, actually stalking her house, breaking in, following her etc) that we don't know about.

[pureinheart]

 

Since when is making a person feel watched not harassment?

 

 

It is harrassment...please find out what you need to do to deal with her.

[pureinheart]

The cops will tell her, 'Make your site private.' It's impossible to keep someone off a public site, unless the cops arrest the BS and put her in jail..And so far what she's done hasn't warranted that, unless there's details (death threats, physical evidence etc, actually stalking her house, breaking in, following her etc) that we don't know about.

 

I've been through this, and that is not what the cops told me...they filed report and assigned a detective to my case.

[Ladyblue]

His wife referred to his "other flings." You've referred to his other affairs.

 

Just how many flings, affairs, and one night stands besides you, has this man had?

[rowell2024]

I've been through this, and that is not what the cops told me...they filed report and assigned a detective to my case.

 

So what? That means nothing. I'll tell you this: I take reports all the time concerning harassment, detectives are assigned who will determine if it's worth further investigation. The OP has absolutely no grounds to call this harassment or stalking. Repeated views of a public website in the public domain? Seriously? What criminal statute does that violate?

 

What county attorney/prosecutor would actually file on that?

[OWoman]

Stockholm syndrome is fairly common among people who are abused.

 

AL, my H left an abusive M (of 3 decades) as a result of our R. Your mention of stockholm syndrome is spot on - his colleagues and family and friends had for years been trying to tell him how toxic and unhealthy his M was, but he was genuinely unable to hear them until he experienced first hand what a real loving R was. Counselling helped - those toxic relationship habits he learned with her are a thing of the past, though we do both need to keep a watchful eye on the R to make sure that we both keep it in optimal health at all times - but I guess everyone should be doing that anyway.

 

While his BW never stalked me in any way - she was in denial about the existence of our R even after he told her prior to leaving - I have been subject to stalking on other occasions, including cyberstalking. I don't know where you live, but cyberstalking is a crime in the UK and there are steps you can take to address it if the crime took place there. Whether or not what you're experiencing would meet the criteria for that you'd need to ascertain - I no longer have the documents to hand but did find them very quickly through a simple google search at the time I needed them.

 

Good luck.

[pureinheart]

So what? That means nothing. I'll tell you this: I take reports all the time concerning harassment, detectives are assigned who will determine if it's worth further investigation. The OP has absolutely no grounds to call this harassment or stalking. Repeated views of a public website in the public domain? Seriously? What criminal statute does that violate?

 

What county attorney/prosecutor would actually file on that?

 

The OP does have grounds.

[Carrot2000]

Still not sure why you won't just block the IP address...it's possible to do this without blocking the entire network.

 

Are you sure it's not MM who's looking at your site?

[OWoman]

Still not sure why you won't just block the IP address...it's possible to do this without blocking the entire network.

 

Without this getting too technical - blocking an IP address is a very short-term and pretty useless solution. It doesn't block the user, only that particular network card using that particular AP. The BS could access the site from any other computer, or swopping out her NIC or modem, or even by using an online proxy. It's the easiest thing the world to get around, and doesn't serve its purpose since it blocks the machine and not the user (so, if it was a shared computer, no one else using it would have access either).

[greengoddess]

This is just so bizarre to me. YOU had an affair with her husband. You knowingly slept with him when he was married to another. You 100% intruded in on his relationship with her. YOU harassed her and her marriage by sneaking around with her husband and now you are trying to portray her as a stalker because she reads your PUBLIC online journal? This is just crazy. Go to the police they will have some fun with this. I'm sure they could use the entertainment.

[greengoddess]

Without this getting too technical - blocking an IP address is a very short-term and pretty useless solution. It doesn't block the user, only that particular network card using that particular AP. The BS could access the site from any other computer, or swopping out her NIC or modem, or even by using an online proxy. It's the easiest thing the world to get around, and doesn't serve its purpose since it blocks the machine and not the user (so, if it was a shared computer, no one else using it would have access either).

 

 

Do you really think it is stalking? Seriously this ow is really lucky that all the wife does is read her blog.

 

I am sure she is only reading it to check for any mention of HER husband since he is probably back on lockdown and sniveling to his wife about how much he loves her while the ow is waiting with open arms for him to come back.

[woinlove]

I don't bother using any tracking on my website because I couldn't be bothered spending time analyzing who is looking and who isn't. If they want to they can send me a message. I understand that commercially motivated sites track in order to know their market and make more money. Beyond that, it is a personal choice as to whether one wants to spend time monitoring the IP addresses and trying to figure out which person or persons is connected with which IPs. Why go to that trouble if it will only worry you? And as far as time elapsed, a lot of people don't close the window. Sounds like you are pouring over data, obsessing about this, if you are worrying about individual hits, time elapsed, different IPs used, etc.

 

Strikes me this is a self-inflicted bother, unless your website is commercial, and, even then, your focus would be on how to make money and this would merely be a side-distraction unless BS is a key customer. Perhaps you can explain what I am missing in not understanding why this is an issue. Is this somehow different than worrying who visits a facebook profile? Make what you want private, require a login if you like, but if you put it out in the public domain, why obsess over it then?

[donnamaybe]

I'm sorry, but someone viewing another's PUBLIC website is not harassment. It is not stalking.

 

As for these "facts" this MM has reported to you, how do you KNOW they are "facts?" Because HE says so?

[mizzcham]

Hell Art, your post really concerns me. I am a betrayed spouse and when you find out that the man who vowed to be faithful cheats on you and shares your marriage with another woman, it kinda makes you crazy! Been there done that! There's nothing abnormal about her "stalking" you. It doesn't matter how many times a day she looks at your profile or how many months or years. My guess she probably looks at it t make sure nothing else is going on and also to see who you are and what was so special about you which from the sound of it she hasn't found out yet because she keeps coming back to your site to figure it out. What concerns me about your post is that it seems like the real reason for your post is for someone to tell you that she is crazy and that he must really care for you if she's so concerned about you. Well I'm here to tell you that doesn't seem to be the case. Don't flatter yourself. He clearly chose his wife. Regardless of what he told you. Cheaters are smart and manipulate well. At the end of the day, you are alone and he is with her. That's it. You say you are in counseling? My suggestion is to find a counselor who does not condone your child like thinking and actions so that you could actually grow up and make mature decisions. Best of luck!

[Carrot2000]

Without this getting too technical - blocking an IP address is a very short-term and pretty useless solution. It doesn't block the user, only that particular network card using that particular AP. The BS could access the site from any other computer, or swopping out her NIC or modem, or even by using an online proxy. It's the easiest thing the world to get around, and doesn't serve its purpose since it blocks the machine and not the user (so, if it was a shared computer, no one else using it would have access either).

 

Nevertheless, if the OP were really that concerned that the BW is stalking her, she'd use any remedy available to her, even one that is not a permanent fix. If she won't even attempt to use the most basic of solutions, it makes me think that the BW is not the only one who is "obsessed" in this situation.

[mizzcham]

Carrot, that's exactly it! And I am convinced that she's looking for someone to agree with her which would be the reason for her post.

[Ladyblue]

His wife referred to his "other flings." You've referred to his other affairs.

 

Just how many flings, affairs, and one night stands besides you, has this man had?

 

I think the answer to this question might shed some light on the BS's behavior.

 

Also, if you are concerned about her stalking you, I encourage you to contact the police today. Don't wait for our opinions, for heaven sake!

[artemis-love]

AL, my H left an abusive M (of 3 decades) as a result of our R. Your mention of stockholm syndrome is spot on - his colleagues and family and friends had for years been trying to tell him how toxic and unhealthy his M was, but he was genuinely unable to hear them until he experienced first hand what a real loving R was. Counselling helped - those toxic relationship habits he learned with her are a thing of the past, though we do both need to keep a watchful eye on the R to make sure that we both keep it in optimal health at all times - but I guess everyone should be doing that anyway.

 

This thread is filled with a bunch of bitter BS's trying to get their rocks off. In some affairs what they have to say is true. The problem is they predominate these discussions and what they have to say is only true SOME of the time. Yet it is taken as gospel. I'm not returning to this thread because there is no benefit for me to do so.

 

Feel free to PM because I wouldn't mind corresponding with you.

[Ladyblue]

This thread is filled with a bunch of bitter BS's trying to get their rocks off. In some affairs what they have to say is true. The problem is they predominate these discussions and what they have to say is only true SOME of the time. Yet it is taken as gospel. I'm not returning to this thread because there is no benefit for me to do so.

 

Feel free to PM because I wouldn't mind corresponding with you.

 

I'm am OW. Have you contacted the police about the cyberstalking yet? If not, please do so immediately.

[artemis-love]

I'm am OW. Have you contacted the police about the cyberstalking yet? If not, please do so immediately.

 

I have told MM about it. He said he would handle it. I'm waiting and continuing to collect enough data to make a case.

[BB07]

I have told MM about it. He said he would handle it. I'm waiting and continuing to collect enough data to make a case.

 

I don't recall you saying that the BS had made any threats so I'm curious as to how you are going to collect data and actually have a case since visiting a website is not illegal, regardless of how many times a certain person visits it???