kikikoko Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) Here is my story. Please read and give me some advices. Thanks. Me and my boyfriend knew each other for 7 months, and were in an exclusive relationship for 5 months. He is a decent guy. He took care of me, and treated me like a queen. We were really compatible and did not have any big fights. We even talk about the future together. He also took me home to introduce me to his family. We were so much in love. I'm his first girlfriend. He has started his PhD in Computer Science this quarter. It takes a lot of his time. Everyday, he goes to school from early morning and backs home at midnight. He tried his best to fit me into his schedule. Three weeks ago, when we were going out for movie and dinner, his professor called him go to school. He did not go because he said he worked the whole day before, and that day was his day off. The professor was not satisfied about that, and told him if he continued that way, he would not receive his fund for the research. My boyfriend looked stressful that night, and he told me he needs to focus on school. He wanted us to be friends because he said it is not fair for me when he does not have time for me. He said that the PhD thing is 5 years long, and he does not want to put me on hold. I cried a lot, and he cried too. After that day, we still talked on the phone once or twice a week for three weeks. Few days ago, I came to his house because I missed him so much and wanted to see him. I told him that I want to be his girlfriend, and be with him in this hard time. I told that if he does not have time, he does not need to visit me. He kept saying it was not fair to do that to me. It has been 5 days since the last time we met and talked. I don't know what to do. Should I be his friend and see what would happen? or should I cut all contacts and move on? Edited January 18, 2011 by kikikoko
yuskaid Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) I can't tell you what to do since i am struggling in my own situation. But I can tell you this, since it is how my situation began: give him space. He does need to put his studies first. As a girlfriend I know we feel we should be first, then everything else. But his education is a very valuable investment and he won't get that time or opportunity back. Do what I could not do because it cost me my man that i wanted to marry. Let him focus on school. Write him a letter to mail to his address. Tell him you understand how important his education is, and that you love him. Tell him if you feel this is true, whether you can wait for him until you move on. Tell him when he has had time to think that he should find a way to contact you so you can both make a decision together. He is under a lot of pressure and does not need that from you. Show him you support him. If he knows what is good and right for him, he may turn to you for the support you offer. Edited January 18, 2011 by yuskaid
Author kikikoko Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 I can't tell you what to do since i am struggling in my own situation. But I can tell you this, since it is how my situation began: give him space. He does need to put his studies first. As a girlfriend I know we feel we should be first, then everything else. But his education is a very valuable investment and he won't get that time or opportunity back. Do what I could not do because it cost me my man that i wanted to marry. Let him focus on school. Write him a letter to mail to his address. Tell him you understand how important his education is, and that you love him. Tell him if you feel this is true, whether you can wait for him until you move on. Tell him when he has had time to think that he should find a way to contact you so you can both make a decision together. He is under a lot of pressure and does not need that from you. Show him you support him. If he knows what is good and right for him, he may turn to you for the support you offer. Last time we met, I made a mistake of begging and forcing him, and that pushed him further. I know that he will call me, but I don't know if I should answer the phone or go with NC rule until he changes his mind. Thanks for your input. Hope everything will be fine for you.
eeazee Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 To be honest with you, I've been in a similar situation as your boyfriend and I totally understand where you are coming from. I think the best medicine for him right now is to give him what he needs. I no you both love each other but his greatest focus right now is on school. So support him, tell him you understand and just let be. I promise you, if he loves you, he is definitely going to contact you and you guys will work things out.
Author kikikoko Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 To be honest with you, I've been in a similar situation as your boyfriend and I totally understand where you are coming from. I think the best medicine for him right now is to give him what he needs. I no you both love each other but his greatest focus right now is on school. So support him, tell him you understand and just let be. I promise you, if he loves you, he is definitely going to contact you and you guys will work things out. Thanks. It gives me hope and strength after reading your input. Should I answer the phone when he calls me? or should I stick with NC rule until he changes his mind ?
eeazee Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks. It gives me hope and strength after reading your input. Should I answer the phone when he calls me? or should I stick with NC rule until he changes his mind ? Answer the phone when calls, be friendly and just be yourself. I no it's hard trying to be just friends but just make him realize that you are his number one fan. I think with your situation going NC is very tricky so I would suggest you don't do that if you still want him back. Cuz if you stick with NC, he on the otherhand will be occupied with school stuffs aswell - then you will both drift apart. I think once in while you can send him txt msgs to see how he is doing and vice versa. U should realize that only good guys make it straight to you about their emotions and future plans. Some bad guys would have strung you along for years and break your heart at the end. So respect his decision, if it's meant to be my dear - it will definitely be. He loves you and doesn't want to hurt you.
Els Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Is it REALLY allowed there to make PhD students work from early morning to midnight, especially as they are only paid a stipend and not a wage??
TryingToMoveOn Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Is it REALLY allowed there to make PhD students work from early morning to midnight, especially as they are only paid a stipend and not a wage?? No, but professors can be quite demanding of results. I am at a top tier school getting my PhD in a similar engineering field ... and the informal grad student surveys in my dept report nearly 50% of PhD students report being depressed in grad school. I am glad my advisor already has tenure and isn't as demanding as other professors. I've heard a lot of horror stories. Some professors can make their students' lives miserable. Sounds like the OP's bf has such a professor.
Author kikikoko Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Answer the phone when calls, be friendly and just be yourself. I no it's hard trying to be just friends but just make him realize that you are his number one fan. I think with your situation going NC is very tricky so I would suggest you don't do that if you still want him back. Cuz if you stick with NC, he on the otherhand will be occupied with school stuffs aswell - then you will both drift apart. I think once in while you can send him txt msgs to see how he is doing and vice versa. U should realize that only good guys make it straight to you about their emotions and future plans. Some bad guys would have strung you along for years and break your heart at the end. So respect his decision, if it's meant to be my dear - it will definitely be. He loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. Thanks a lot. I feel a lot better now and somehow know what I should do. My feeling was like a roller coaster those last few days. I thought he does not love me enough to make time for me and make effort for our relationship. I wondered why he did not let me beside him and support him, and why he pushed me away. I love him so much, and I don't want to lose him. I will give him space, and try to be his friend. I will not put any pressure on him.
Author kikikoko Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 No, but professors can be quite demanding of results. I am at a top tier school getting my PhD in a similar engineering field ... and the informal grad student surveys in my dept report nearly 50% of PhD students report being depressed in grad school. I am glad my advisor already has tenure and isn't as demanding as other professors. I've heard a lot of horror stories. Some professors can make their students' lives miserable. Sounds like the OP's bf has such a professor. Thanks for letting me know how hard the PhD program is. I'm so worried for my boyfriend now. I don't want his life becomes miserable. I regret that I forced him and put more pressure on him.
TryingToMoveOn Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Suggestion: Try to do set aside some time, maybe once a week, where you can enjoy each other's company. See how that works. He's got a lot on his mind right now, and I don't think he wants to really worry about the stress of a relationship at this time. 5 years is a long amount of time and people do change during the process. He won't be the same person when he comes out. The question you have to ask yourself is: do you want to be beside him during this long process? You either go in thinking you're in for the long haul, or you're out. I know a number of people who've been able to balance academics + relationships. Not easy, but it's achievable! But it's too soon to make that determination. See how things work out in the next few weeks. Wish you the best!
Author kikikoko Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Suggestion: Try to do set aside some time, maybe once a week, where you can enjoy each other's company. See how that works. He's got a lot on his mind right now, and I don't think he wants to really worry about the stress of a relationship at this time. 5 years is a long amount of time and people do change during the process. He won't be the same person when he comes out. The question you have to ask yourself is: do you want to be beside him during this long process? You either go in thinking you're in for the long haul, or you're out. I know a number of people who've been able to balance academics + relationships. Not easy, but it's achievable! But it's too soon to make that determination. See how things work out in the next few weeks. Wish you the best! His birthday is in this coming Feb. Should I send him a gift and a birthday card? or just make it simple by a "happy birthday" text message?
TryingToMoveOn Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 well it depends on your plan between now and Feb. are you going to keep in touch or break off contact?
eeazee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Send him a text msg on his birthday. Just make it simple.
Author kikikoko Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 well it depends on your plan between now and Feb. are you going to keep in touch or break off contact? I will answer the phone if he calls me. I want him to initial contact.
Author kikikoko Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Send him a text msg on his birthday. Just make it simple. Thanks. How thing between u and your gf is going? Hope everything is fine for you.
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