beetlebug Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I am married, as well as my "friend" who used to be my colleague. He lives 3000 miles away but we have remained very close via phone calls and email. We have lots in common (our age, getting married to our respective spouses in the same month, same honeymoon to Hawaii, and obviously, same line of work.) Over the years he has become a good friend and career advisor especially since he is far more accomplished than I. It seems like no matter how busy we get, we always seem to reconnect and it never goes longer than 2 months that we don't talk. The last time I saw him (in person) was nearly 2 years ago on a business trip. It was the first time that I noticed that he may be attracted to me. Harmless flirting ensued and has continued since then. I say harmless, because we both know we're married and it's not even an option to take it further. Nevertheless, it's nice to feel that "another guy" is actually attracted to me. I am attracted to him as well - there is something very endearing about him and I just like him as a person, very much. Over the past few years I have sort of sensed that he's not 100% happy in his marriage. I haven't outright asked him, but I know that since I had a baby, he talks about kids more, and also how his wife doesn't want any - ever. He said he knew that when he married her, and he sighs... I get the feeling like he's regretting that decision because I really do feel he wants kids. While his wife is career-minded, and maybe that has something to do with her decision, I too, have a career and am doing well - working full-time and also being a mom to a beautiful boy. I think he sees me doing it and is disappointed his wife will not do the same. He tells me all the time that my husband is a lucky man... He called me the other day to tell me that his mom is very sick, with stage 4 cancer. He is going to be flying out from time to time (to home, here, where I live) to see her. He asked if I'm not doing anything, if we could meet for lunch or a drink or something next month. I would very much like to see him and be there for him, but there is always that underlying attraction and feeling like I am doing something wrong. I love my husband. Very much. At the same time, I know that if this guy and I had met, before we met our spouses, there's no doubt that we are compatible and would have 'hit it off'. If a guy is married, and say, attracted to a married woman.. and he sort of senses that she is attracted to him too - would he still try to see if he could 'get somewhere' with her? I just don't know what's going on in his mind, but wonder why he bothers to stay in touch with me, after all these years. I have other co-workers (men) that I don't keep in touch with, but with him, I always know he is going to call. What do you think? I know people are going to jump down my throat about this, but I honestly don't want to ruin our friendship. My husband knows I'm still friends with him and I know if I told him that his mother is ill and he asked to meet up when he's in town that he wouldn't have a problem with it. I don't know, I'm very confused because I find myself thinking about him.. and think that's not right! I also know that my thoughts are kind of 'rambling' so I'll end here. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 If a guy is married, and say, attracted to a married woman.. and he sort of senses that she is attracted to him too - would he still try to see if he could 'get somewhere' with her? As you describe this relationship, the answer is a qualified "yes." You both have a history with one another, mutual respect and attraction and, at least on his part, muted marital dissatisfaction. That's an "Affair cocktail." His mother's terminal illness will only heighten his needs for care, comfort and solace, which frequently transmute into the erotic.Just ask the wives of NYFD employees whose husbands gave solace, and, in some cases, much more to 9/11 NYFD widows. Grief counseling as grist for the divorce mill. You're both playing with fire but, hey, that's the attraction. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beetlebug Posted March 21, 2004 Author Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by zarathustra As you describe this relationship, the answer is a qualified "yes." You both have a history with one another, mutual respect and attraction and, at least on his part, muted marital dissatisfaction. That's an "Affair cocktail." Well, that's a great way to put it - I like that - "affair cocktail" and you are absolutely right. I guess the question is, does this happen often in marriages? I often wonder what it would be like if he and I were married. And yet I also imagine always staying in touch with him, for years and years. If we didn't talk, it would be like me not talking to my best friends back home, ever. The difference, clearly, is that we are of the opposite sex and there is that attraction between us. If it were just that 'lusting' feeling, then I would write it off as a crush and be done with it, but there's more there than that. I will be careful. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Harmless flirting can pave the way for more to happen. Just be cautious. Oftentimes people will sort of 'set things up' to 'just happen', if you will. You two have become good friends and you probably both enjoy the mutual attraction. However, now he has some major emotional issues to contend with; the fact that he wants a child and his wife doesn't, as well as his mother's illness. Add that emotional mix to an already-brewing mutual attraction.... Now let's say you and your husband have some problems. A few arguments, some kind of stressor to the marriage. Things could very quickly go from an innocent lunch with your friend to after-lunch happy hour to...'oops, it just kind of happpened!' Happens A LOT. I have a number of married friends and work associates who have been through similar situations. Fidelity is never easy, even in good marriages. If your gut or instincts are telling you that he may be hoping for a little 'more', as hard as it is I would suggest nipping it in the bud now. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 the question is, does this happen often in marriages? Do spouces carry old flames? You BETCHA; I'm sure you can think of a song or two, a movie, books, a wide assortment of media refecting our culture that carries this theme. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beetlebug Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Karlise If your gut or instincts are telling you that he may be hoping for a little 'more', as hard as it is I would suggest nipping it in the bud now. Karlise, I am with you on that one...I will most likely meet up with him in a few weeks and will probably wait to see how he reacts. I can't imagine him actually, overtly coming on to me, but we'll see. My biggest fear is that this is all in my head , and I make a complete ass out of myself bringing this out in the open! I guess part of me wants to believe that I'm imagining the flirtatious tone, and the other part of me remembers my former boss with me on that business trip I mentioned earlier... and SHE brought it up to me on the ride back to the hotel after dinner - that he was "totally checking [me] out all night". I guess time will tell. Now that he does have all these emotional issues, it has taken a different turn. I DO just want to give him a hug, but I know that's probably not the best thing to do Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 You "may only want to give him a hug". How would you know that is enough for him ?. What if he decides to hold you longer and start caressing or rubbing your back?. Just curious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Ahhhhhhh forget the caressing to the 'back' Sami. Once a man has caressed your emotions.....you are putty in his hands and headed for serious ground. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Thank you much for saying that. We missed you alot Arabess. Just tell your friend once hugs started they will lead to" Ancient Rome". Of course you are aware of the saying" All Roads Lead to Rome". Do I need to give further explanation my friend?. Your friend has no option but to " Love it or leave it". Once she decides to hit the road then Rome became very close. It all depends on how fast her driver is plus how much gas they both have in their tanks baby. Link to post Share on other sites
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