Men grow some testacles!

[Woggle]

You guys know that the OP is a guy, right?

 

I don't know what gender he or she is but they are right. Men need to toughen up or we will get eaten alive.

[Good Arms]

It's just that guys like us have all heard it before (Be more confident/grow some testicles/don't be shy/etc.) Some guys are shyer than others, which means that it would take a confident girl to begin the relationship, instead of the guy.

 

And there are plenty of relationships out there like that. My cousin is even shyer than me, and he had a confident girl snag him in his late 20's. It's never too late, and you should never lose hope.

 

Yeah, I'm testament to that. I've been crippling love shy all my life. Believe me, shayan, this is a horrible thing to live with. It isn't really through choice or not 'growing some testicles'. Anyone who can say such a thing just can't relate to what goes on in a shy person's head. It's as much a debilitating condition as any other medical disorder. I've run away from opportunities in the past, it's a genuine fear that paralyses you and stops you from pursuing the very thing you want.

 

I'd all but given up on ever having a girlfriend or losing my virginity. Then at 31, a girl went after me - 5 years younger, gorgeous, someone I'd have thought was 'out of my league'. We got together, things were wonderful for a while, we had an active sex life, then she stopped being affectionate and dumped me. So right now I'm in a terrible place, trying to convince my heart to let her go, but even in the midst of heartbreak I know I can't regret having finally experienced love and intimacy.

 

It just goes to show you should never lose hope.

 

But I don't advocate just waiting like I did. It's true that anything we can do to try and overcome our shyness, boosting our self-esteem and improving our social skills, we really should work on in a positive way. It's not just as simple as listening to someone drill into us to toughen up and grow some balls though.

[Duckduckgoose]

Aww, I like sensitive guys

 

I have an edge to me, and a more dominant personality so a sensitive guy is what I want.

[paperbag111]

Its girls like you that cause us men to be shy, and worried to approach women.

 

On a similar note, I think I'm not that bad looking, I'd say average. But going through being rejected at an early age just before junior high, 11 years old? , really caused me to be shy towards girls I was interested in well into my mid-20s, especially the girl I asked was one of my best female friend, ignored me for the rest of the school year and have since lost contact and pretty much became the laughing-stock of the grade and being made fun of. Kids can be so cruel.

 

Anyway...I remember walking past a friend of mine in high school and he held open the door for one of the popular girls in the year above and she goes to him "Ohhh...why can't there be more guys like you out there?" and I thought to myself, because you're a superficial bitch and the guys you're after don't generally treat you well so don't go complaining that there aren't enough guys with great personalities once you get to know them!!! That was another blow to the confidence.

 

I'd have to agree with Good Arms..."you should never lose hope". Well into my twenties, still shy towards girls I liked, I'm not saying pretty girls but girls I was interested in, I met my ex, my first gf, love and I'm embarrassed to say but the first girl I kissed . I thought she was out of my league but she saw something in me that she liked and we got it off. My first love/relationship lasted about 2 years! 2 years! I'd have to say that was a pretty good effort on my behalf. Like LeaningIntoTheMuse mentioned, "Some guys are shyer than others, which means that it would take a confident girl to begin the relationship, instead of the guy" and that was how it was for me.

 

I'd all but given up on ever having a girlfriend or losing my virginity. Then at 31, a girl went after me

 

EDIT: What I realize now is that at that point in my life, when I met her, I had given up at being in love etc etc. because I noticed that girls I liked never really glanced at me a second time, felt as though they weren't interested. What I'm getting at is love will find you when you're least expecting it. Can't remember if I read it from this post or another but just smile and be happy with your self because it attracts people.

 

EDIT (Round 2): Found the post regarding the last sentence above, it's quite funny, was a thread started by Shayan!

"Stop, stop searching for love. Love is something you as a human by nature of your very being deserve and can have, but it is usually not something which comes when we are desperately seeking it. Ask almost any person and they'll tell you that they found true love in situations in which their expectations were the least. Furthermore, they'll tell you that when they were desperate they found all the wrong people.

 

Recent psychological studies have shown that people who have a positive self image are much more likely to find love, or better put have love come to them. So you if you want to increase your chances of finding love them start to love and enjoy who you are as a person, that's how self confidence is built. Wayne Dyer a famous spiritual teacher is qouted saying, "you only feel alone, if you don't like the person you're alone with."

 

Shift your focus from finding love to giving love to yourself. Many of you will find this an abstract concept "loving oneself." But, all it takes is spending some time with yourself and acquainting yourself with who you are, and accepting and allowing and embracing. Once you begin to make this shift and stop worrying about finding love it will come to you. Because how we think is what we bring into our lives. Once you yourself become love that light will shine and others will be attracted to it, and they will come it will natural this is for men and women. Why do you think confident people are so damn attractive?

 

I myself personally am 22 years old, I've dated alot and been in two somewhat serious relationships. I found however, that both of my past relationships came out of desperatism. I even did end up falling crazily in love but they weren't healthy sustainable relationships they brought me wonderful lessons though which have led to this message I'm sharing with you tonight. Finally I've begun to love myself and build my confidence and truly embrace who I am, and girls who I like and am into are showing up into my life and I'm approaching them cause I have the self confidence to do it.

 

What I am telling you here is give up on trying to capture love, stop trying so hard, or worrying so hard, don't make it a chore. Focus on giving love to yourself and building your confidence and enjoying your life just for the fact of enjoying your life.I promise you once you make this shift the girls that use to ellude you, the men who would never approach will begin to come to you, because you yourself will become love.

 

Please heed this advice for I find this is one of the biggest things missing in people's awareness when they are not in a relationship. And respond to this share your insight or comments or criticisms so as to keep this post alive for others to read. And I know there are plenty of grammatical errors in this message because I didn't bother editing it and apologize in advance."

 

Link to thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258393/

Edited January 22, 2011 by paperbag111

[Ross PK]

Yeah, I'm testament to that. I've been crippling love shy all my life. Believe me, shayan, this is a horrible thing to live with. It isn't really through choice or not 'growing some testicles'. Anyone who can say such a thing just can't relate to what goes on in a shy person's head. It's as much a debilitating condition as any other medical disorder. I've run away from opportunities in the past, it's a genuine fear that paralyses you and stops you from pursuing the very thing you want.

 

I'd all but given up on ever having a girlfriend or losing my virginity. Then at 31, a girl went after me - 5 years younger, gorgeous, someone I'd have thought was 'out of my league'. We got together, things were wonderful for a while, we had an active sex life, then she stopped being affectionate and dumped me. So right now I'm in a terrible place, trying to convince my heart to let her go, but even in the midst of heartbreak I know I can't regret having finally experienced love and intimacy.

 

It just goes to show you should never lose hope.

 

But I don't advocate just waiting like I did. It's true that anything we can do to try and overcome our shyness, boosting our self-esteem and improving our social skills, we really should work on in a positive way. It's not just as simple as listening to someone drill into us to toughen up and grow some balls though.

 

Did you ever experience any IOI's before getting this girl?

 

Btw, congrats on finally getting a girl.

[Good Arms]

Did you ever experience any IOI's before getting this girl?

 

Btw, congrats on finally getting a girl.

 

Thanks

 

I should look at the positives, but it's hard to through the heartbreak. It was a massive ego and confidence boost. But since the break-up it's turned into the opposite, the way my mind is obsessing over the break-up, the things I could have done differently. My mind's warped the whole relationship into being bad and me being a failure, when I know that's not the whole story... it was great for a while and we seemed so in love... I just don't know exactly when that changed for her. I need to come to some acceptance that these things just happen, relationships end all the time and it's always going to be painful and confusing for one person unless it's a totally mutual decision.

 

If IOI's means "indications of interest" (I had to look it up ) then I guess there were some. We work in the same building. I added her on Facebook many months earlier when she was in my work team, so technically I suppose I made the first move, although then I knew she was in a relationship and that's the only reason I felt 'safe' doing so! I liked her but it was never an obsessive crush or anything, that I have had in the past. I think it was mainly physical attraction, I guess we were never that compatible/similar and I kind of knew that going into the relationship, but when I truly fell for her I was blinded to that.

 

We didn't really know each other, she was a friend of a friend at work, so before the relationship we only ever really said "Hi" in passing. Then I noticed she started parking her car by mine a lot - which I thought was just coincidence, but did notice - and bumped into me in the car park a few times. Again just saying hello really. Not being one to think much of myself, I didn't read too much into any of these signs until our mutual friend told me he had a hunch that she liked me. Then she tried a couple of times to get me and my workmates to go to a few group events, which convinced me my friend's hunch was right, and eventually I plucked up the courage to agree to go to a group meal. Before this meal she came over and asked me out. It later turned out she was planning the timing of parking her car to bump into me! Seemed really cute and flattering at the time, but I'm so sad now looking back on everything knowing that it didn't work out.

[Ross PK]

Yeah, IOI = indicators of interest.

 

What I meant when I asked had you had any IOI's before, was did you ever get any IOI's from other women before you got with this girl?

[Good Arms]

Yeah, IOI = indicators of interest.

 

What I meant when I asked had you had any IOI's before, was did you ever get any IOI's from other women before you got with this girl?

 

Oh, sorry. Yeah, I guess looking back there had been a few IOIs from others, some in my late teens and some when I went travelling with a uni friend for 6 months (that was a BIG step for me - having never left home). But I didn't make anything of those chances, I guess they were waiting for the next step and I was just way too shy and scared to ask them out on a date or anything. The travelling did boost my confidence in other ways though, but I kind of regressed when I got home.

 

Been stuck in the same job for 9 years now. Until my ex, there were two other girls at work who really showed an interest (and a few more gave me signs) but again I was too shy to make anything of it. In any case those two really weren't my 'type'. The second girl was physically attractive, but had a bit of a reputation, was a bit out of control at the time and always getting drunk. It really did take a girl (my ex) to ask me out first, I'd never have made the first move with anyone. I'd like to think I gained the confidence to act on any other opportunities I may get, but I'm worried the break-up has really knocked my confidence back to zero. I'm still nervous about intimacy (I was always awkward, partly 'cause she was so experienced and confident about things) but at least the idea doesn't TERRIFY me now

 

I won't give up, I'm going through a tough patch now but I'm going to try and take every offer of social invites (sadly not many, especially as my ex has mutual friends) and try and be sociable at work. You never know what's around the corner, and you should never give up hope.

[Good Arms]

sorry, double post

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I've gotten some IOI's over the years, but always been too afraid to act on any of them.

[I am healed]

Here is my opinion in order to be succesful with women you have to be yourself, be confident being yourself, and not allow them to play games with you. In other words be assertive and stand up for yourself, women will respect you for that more than anything else.

[c&l]

These last few posts i can relate to (kid of, im only 15 and have not had a relationship yet)

 

but yeah, im just trying to keep up hope, and hope that someday a girl will find me attractive, and hit it off with her. I've gone amonth without pop energy drinks and such, trying to loose weight. after a while, imma try doing excersizes and stuff like that.

[sammyd]

Good on you c&I You'll increase your self confidence massively getting in shape, i know i did, and of course when you feel good about yourself, girls will notice for sure:)

[c&l]

Only problem, after a month without pop, i've gained weight :/

Im going to continue though, and im trying to cut down on snacks as wel, and the snacks i do eat will (for the most part) be healthy. (i like carrots, Fiber One bars, Yogurt, etc so it should be abit easier.)

 

then, i plan to excersize more. You see, when i excersize now, i see myself fail, and give up. but i hope when i loose some weight, and eat healthier, i'll have more energy, will, and self confidence to work out and get even thinner

 

I still need to get over my fear/ nervousness of talking to girls im attracted to however. Especially because everytime i try and say something, i freeze, and kinda stare, giving the impression of a creeper :|

[spiderowl]

I really don't think it helps guys who feel they are unsuccessful with women to tell them just to 'be themselves'. They are probably being themselves and doing the same things over and over that aren't working for them. I think you'll find it's guys who pay attention to the kind of things women like that have more success.

 

For example, guys are taught that being manly and sweaty is OK. Yes, it's natural to sweat and OK but, if you've been in the same shirt all day and it's hot and it's now evening and you've spilt something down it during the day as well, it's not a good idea to wear it in the evening when you go out. Do guys do this? Yes, they do and it's a big turnoff. The guys who women go for tend to smell nice. They tend to take a bit of trouble over their appearance, nothing too trendy or fussy, but clean and pleasant. They brush their teeth and sometimes wear a subtle cologne. It's just far nicer hugging and kissing a clean, nice-smelling guy than a sweaty unwashed one who you can't bear to be near.

 

Guys are also taught that being assertive, having an opinion and not caring what others think about them is good. In principle yes, but ...

 

- Not being able to listen to women isn't.

- Being thoughtless and not including her doesn't go down well.

- Having an opinion and forceful discussion with mates about something that really bores her will not make you seem attractive.

- Showing off and talking about yourself without asking about her will be a total turnoff.

 

So that's why any guy who wants a woman should be careful about listening to conventional wisdom. To get close to a woman you have to be able to build a bridge, not knock it down. Those who build bridges are funny, sincere, nice to be near, and are able to share thoughts and feelings as well as opinions. They are able to show her they dare to say they want her. That is very powerful and few guys dare for fear of being rejected. Yes, you might be rejected but she'll surely notice that you are more daring than others and respect that. Unless she's just not physically attracted at all, it won't go amiss to make your direct interest known.

Edited February 5, 2011 by spiderowl

[AKO87]

I'm a very shy person, but I wasn't offended by the OP. However, I don't really agree with a lot of it either. If I could make a simple choice to have more dating success then I would do it. I've never been bullied or really had anything to traumatize me in that way. My genetics just say I'm a shy person.

 

I also have to agree with someone earlier mentioning this being a good place just kind of rant. I feel awkward talking about my 'feelings' with even my closest friends and family so I can see the attraction to being able to do it anonymously.

[mohdhm]

The OP practically nailed most of the issues right there.

 

@spiderowl: the 'be themselves' part is aimed at the facade guys pull when meeting a woman. how can they trust you when you are fake?

[MexicanBillBacker]

to inspire, I realized something today, I was wrong for making that post I apoligize. I think there is a lot of right in it but the way I phrased it was wrong. good luck

 

I really am sorry. but I have learned something very important from this post.

 

really I sounded like a pretentious DB I probably was at the moment let my ego get a hold of me.

 

well take care now.

 

 

You were right in your post. People have to stop hiding from being hurt and goput yourselves out there.

 

Over the past 6 months I lost the person I loved the most, friends, lost my school, moved out of the city. All because of love...

 

I'm slowly picking the pieces up, focusing on the gym and my stufies. Sometimes I feel a bit lonely like tonight and go drink a little bottle of mezcal, but I know tomorrow I'm gonna keep plugging, going to the gym, focusing on my studies, etc...

[tman666]