Wanting to stop ex-partners parents seeing our child...

[Miss_G]

It's long, but a good read!! (interesting at least!)

 

Me and my ex-in-laws have a complicated relationship. At first, it was wonderful. They came across as extremely caring (a bit over-bearing at times) and just genuinely nice, friendly, open people. They would often tell me horror stories about their ex-daughter-in-law, the mother of their granddaughter by their eldest son. They painted the ex as a psychopath who was constantly taking things out on her innocent daughter by stopping the family seeing her. At first I believed that this ex was a terrible person. After all, his family were just nice people who their granddaughter appeared to dote on.

Things changed SO quickly when I got pregnant. My ex and I had a fabulous relationship. It is ridiculous the reasons we have split but you can probably guess...

His family had saved some money to help him get his first house. I had nothing. I had just left University when I found out I was pregnant. We actively started looking for a house. The day after announcing I was pregnant, ex-MIL(mother-in-law) rings up to tell us she is no longer giving us the money. Now, our choice of home was limited. Eventually, with her arm up her back, my mum was forced to hand over a similar amount of money to make it 'fair'. My mum is widowed since my dad died. She isn't 'rolling in money' but either way we managed to get a house.

My ex, its fair to say, is treated like a prince by his parents. They used to go to the ex-BIL(brother-in-laws) house everyday to tidy, bring food, etc. They spent more time their then at their own. I stated to ex that this was not happening in ours. I wanted privacy from people who were not my family. I wouldn't even let MY mother treat the house in the way I'd seen. Needless to say it did end up like that. Ex-FIL (father-in-law) practically moved in. He would move my underwear, go into our bedroom, make the bed, empty bins that had my 'personals' in shall we say. I had to install a lock on the bathroom door just so I knew that he couldn't barge in when I was on the toilet because he WOULD. Whenever I complained I was simply met with 'well, we don't mind! I'm just trying to help!' Yes, but I DID mind!!

Anyway, ex and I split up. First things that happen, his mother comes round to railroad me about how she's felt about me from the start. To name a few things, I'm "lazy" (I cared for our child full time so ex could continue his career, I gave up mine), "I've done nothing with my life" (I had the baby, I have a degree) and "I'm a golddigger" (my ex has a good job but it's a limited time period, I have the qualifications to be a teacher and will be, my career lasts a lot longer on more money). Either way, this caused tension between ex and I. We were trying to work things out for our child.

Things were on and off with us, getting back then not. I always asked him if his parents were aware. He said 'no, why do I need to tell them?'. I would pass our house (I am now living back with my mum) and his parents cars were outside CONSTANTLY. My partner is 25. Seriously?? What is the need?

Anyway, we got wind last night that my partner had moved a friend in. I was livid so contacted him. He told me he was out 'working'. My mother decided to drive past our home to see if he was lying. Ex wasn't there but FIL was! INSIDE the house. ON HIS OWN!! He spotted my mother and invited her in to 'chat'. He was smug in telling her that my ex NEVER wanted to get back together. He said that he had strung me along because he feared he wouldn't see his child. I would never stop him from doing so. FIL told my mother that they were 'getting the money together to pay me out of the house'. My mum stated that I would not accept. The house is a family house. If we don't live their then it is sold and we make a fresh start. FIL got angry. My mother was shocked at how our house had changed since I had left (only 3 months ago). She told him she was going upstairs to see what he had done. Remember, she paid into the house as did his parents, however, neither of their names are on the deeds. Just mine and my partners. My mum went up anyway. FIL was shouting how ex had had loads of girls there and how much he hated life with me. My mum went downstairs, to which FIL grabbed my mother (strongly, she has marks!) and flung her from the house. She struggled but he had her arm up her back. She was physically shaken. She rang the police and reported him. Later that evening, my ex rang when back from work. He said that he did want to work things out and his FIL was talking for him. He also stated that no girls had been there. He also said that he had never been to his solicitor or been to sort the house out. He said he went to see his FA for others reasons (he stated these but I won't publically). We decided that we would sell the house amicably. I told him he could come to my mothers home to see our child at the weekend as I would not cut contact with him.

I do, however, want to stop his grandparents seeing our child FOR THE TIME BEING. I may sort out from supervised visitation in the near future but I do NOT want them to EVER be alone with him again. I am planning on getting a court order to state that his parents are never alone with him and can only see him if I am present. I will sort out for my ex to have him alone. He is, after all, his dad and a good one at that.

This may sound a little OTT but I have other reasons for finally cutting contact with GPs. My ex-BIL has been officially cautioned by the police for letting his daughter dance naked in the front window. He lives on a main road opposite a bus stop. My ex-FIL also had a restraining order put against him by his ex-DIL for harrassing her after an arguement with his son. When my son was a newborn (5 days old!) me and my partner asked his parents to watch child whilst we nipped to the shops, 10 minutes later we returned and our child had gone. MIL had taken child to a friends house and walked up the road in the middle of winter with our newborn wrapped only in a towel. They have shown erratic behaviour and I do not trust them to treat my child as a grandparent and assume parental control like they did with their granddaughter.

What do you think? I am not permanantly going to stop them seeing them. My son does deserve to know his grandparents but they are angry, aggressive people and I don't trust them. I don't want to take it out on my son. Am I? Or do I have reason to do what I am doing? Would you do the same?

[Eeyore79]

It seems like you're not doing this out of spite, but only out of concern for the wellbeing of your child. You still want his father to see him, but are concerned about his grandparents' behaviour, and I can totally understand why. I'm particularly concerned that your FIL and BIL have both been cautioned by police, one for harassment and one for what basically amounts to neglect and child abuse. I wouldn't want these people being alone with my child.

 

To be honest though, much of this is your ex's fault. He failed to set appropriate boundaries with his parents; they should not have been at your house all the time, doing housework and interfering with your lives. It's nice that they wanted to help out, but there should have been a reasonable limit on how much involvement they had. Your MIL certainly had no right to criticise your career choices, and your FIL had no right to attack your mom and yell about your ex seeing loads of girls. It sounds like they're both very defensive of their precious son; I'd expect them to be mostly on his side, but it just sounds like he's a total momma's boy and they're both treating him like he's still a child.

 

I think you're being reasonable in that you don't want to deprive your child of all contact with his father's side of the family; you just want to be sure he's safe. Have you discussed the situation with your ex and asked his opinion on his family's behavior? Would he agree to an informal arrangement where your son isn't left alone with his family?

[Miss_G]

My ex is a coward. He has always been the same. He cannot physically live without his parents, or so he believes. He has always been treated as a child and I have seen them turn on his brothers ex, me and now his brothers current girlfriend. They are the most ridiculous people I have ever met. I can explain how angry I am that he has laid his hands on my mother.

I have had a restraining order place against his father now to state that he does not come near my home or my family. He is a danger to be around. I am shocked that what I believed was a placid man has turned out so aggressive and evil. He will not be alone with my child until he provides me with reason to suggest this was a one off. He needs to be a bit more humble. They are arrogant, rude and nasty. And I honestly don't think they will ever change.

I do care for my son and I want him to be raised in a nice, happy environment. I want him to have a good relationship with his dad. I do not believe his fathers family are that important in his upbringing. They have more or less brought up their granddaughter and will not be doing it with mine!!

I getting legal advice on what my next move should be in terms of working out what is best for my son. I have asked to speak to my ex tonight to discuss what we do next. Although, I don't think he will have the decency to reply. He will have spoken to his father between last night and now and will believe that his dad was probably 'provoked' or some other ridiculous story. Ex believes that the sun shines from his father. I will never be able to let him see otherwise.

Like I say, it is a shame it has come to this. My ex and I had a fabulous relationship ruined by others. I felt my son deserved better.

[worlybear]

Go with your gut instinct. In your situation I would also be very concerned. Put your child 1st.

If you are concerned that your ex-in-laws will insist on contact with your child and you suspect that your ex will be too feeble to stop them, I would insist(through a solicitor) that your ex has supervised contact only.

Get a lawyer/solicitor NOW!