Author russell1968 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Don't tell her with words, do it with actions. What do you suggest! As my self confidence is destroyed Link to post Share on other sites
cmh2002 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 What do you suggest! As my self confidence is destroyed Just my opinion but I think you should do LC and stop being at her beck and call.. If she truly wants to work things out she will make the effort. Until then do what the others have suggested like go have a drink, go to the movies, hang out with friends...keep her guess to a point as to what your doing.. It seems to me she is just playing head games with you you need to decide when enough is enough and stop letting her be in control of how you feel about yourself so much. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Limited contact. Do not use her as your emotional support or be there for hers. She has been weaning herself off you all this time and you let her. Has she succeeded in breaking up the family and breaking your heart with no consequences? You don't want to be just her buddy, right? What better way to drive that message home to her than by LC. You have the knowledge and the wisdom from those who have experienced what you are experiencing. Don't be foolish any longer. You are so very close to time running out. The only way to change it around, if it can be changed around, is by following the 180 and LC. Nothing else will work and that has already been proven in your case. It was proven pages and pages ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Limited contact. Do not use her as your emotional support or be there for hers. She has been weaning herself off you all this time and you let her. Has she succeeded in breaking up the family and breaking your heart with no consequences? You don't want to be just her buddy, right? What better way to drive that message home to her than by LC. You have the knowledge and the wisdom from those who have experienced what you are experiencing. Don't be foolish any longer. You are so very close to time running out. The only way to change it around, if it can be changed around, is by following the 180 and LC. Nothing else will work and that has already been proven in your case. It was proven pages and pages ago. So here i am sitting by myself on the couch it's 22.51pm and i'm pulling my hair out. She just sends a text 1.Are the girls ok reply yes! i have been having the girls for every tuesday and thursday for weeks now and this is the first time she has texted me, Text 2 Whats wrong with you? responce i ignore Text 3 is it cause i didn't come round responce i ignore Text 4 ok be grumpy then responce i ignore Text 5 Come on whats wrong with you respoonce i ignore Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 She's pulling your chain. That's it, that's all. If there are any texts regarding the children you can respond BUT only about the children! Nothing else! Got it? If she texts you about mundane things, IGNORE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 She's pulling your chain. That's it, that's all. If there are any texts regarding the children you can respond BUT only about the children! Nothing else! Got it? If she texts you about mundane things, IGNORE. Didn't respond to her crap,will tell her when she picks up my girls in the morning, i will tell her i fell asleep Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I'm helping my wife's sister buy a house, she told me my wife just see's me as a freind? WTF does that mean? could be b*llocks, could be true.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 could be b*llocks, could be true.... I hope she doesnt kiss all her freinds like that! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Russell, I have read your entire thread. In fact, I believe you posted once before. I read that post too. I am most impressed by how many thoughtful people have come to your rescue - especially men. I will just give you my gut instinct for what it's worth. Firstly, you may be overfuntioning, and you appear to have a great deal of anxiety. It is so obvious. I can feel it in your posts; it's also reflected in the frequency and content of same. You question every move you make. Almost, as if you were in a paranoid state - I don't mean that as an insult. Anyone who may be about to lose their marriage could experience all of the above and more. You have to calm down, chill. I think it would be a good idea for you to see the doctor because of the tremendous stress you have been under. A number of physical issues can arise from such stress (for instance, blood pressure). The anxiety your experiencing, over time, is also not healthy for your body either, and there are many ways to clamp it down without antidepressants. I will tell you my gut instinct now that I have learned that your wife may view you as a "friend." I think that bit of news explains everything that has caused you confusion. The whole paradigm shifted when I read that today, and I had an "ah-ha" moment. Is it possible that she's looking up to you as a dearest daddy figure, and can't quite leave home yet? Just a thought. I think the kissy kissy act is totally fake and most likely alchohol induced. I do not think you should read too much into it. And I sure wouldn't be playing kissy kissy with a woman that has reduced me to posting on LS mutiple times a day (questioning every move you make, analyzing everything she does or doesn't do or say). That said, I hate to be so hard on you, because I am guilty of the very same behaviours, it's "grasping at straws" and an inability to let go. I guess it is much easier to see how useless it is when it is not your own situation. Look at the pattern, Russell. When you back off a while, she turns it on for a brief period. It's possible, if not probable, that you are being played like a fiddle. It's also possible that she's stringing you until she is financially and/or psychologically able to cut the line. It's also possible that she wants to hang with people (or someone/s) closer to her own age (if she isn't already). Afterall, she missed out on this portion of early adulthood. You mention she is enjoying the party life, right? I mean, do you really believe that some partying time and/or expermentation with the "early adulthood" she missed will just fizzle out, and she'll come back to her senses and be Nice Wife again, like before? Russell, I hope I'm wrong. I await the LS Forum assessment of my POV before I offer an opinion on how to handle, as I am a new member, and a beginner at this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 I just got another text saying i take it valentines cancelled? i ignored it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Russell, I have read your entire thread. In fact, I believe you posted once before. I read that post too. I am most impressed by how many thoughtful people have come to your rescue - especially men. I will just give you my gut instinct for what it's worth. Firstly, you may be overfuntioning, and you appear to have a great deal of anxiety. It is so obvious. I can feel it in your posts; it's also reflected in the frequency and content of same. You question every move you make. Almost, as if you were in a paranoid state - I don't mean that as an insult. Anyone who may be about to lose their marriage could experience all of the above and more. You have to calm down, chill. I think it would be a good idea for you to see the doctor because of the tremendous stress you have been under. A number of physical issues can arise from such stress (for instance, blood pressure). The anxiety your experiencing, over time, is also not healthy for your body either, and there are many ways to clamp it down without antidepressants. I will tell you my gut instinct now that I have learned that your wife may view you as a "friend." I think that bit of news explains everything that has caused you confusion. The whole paradigm shifted when I read that today, and I had an "ah-ha" moment. Is it possible that she's looking up to you as a dearest daddy figure, and can't quite leave home yet? Just a thought. I think the kissy kissy act is totally fake and most likely alchohol induced. I do not think you should read too much into it. And I sure wouldn't be playing kissy kissy with a woman that has reduced me to posting on LS mutiple times a day (questioning every move you make, analyzing everything she does or doesn't do or say). That said, I hate to be so hard on you, because I am guilty of the very same behaviours, it's "grasping at straws" and an inability to let go. I guess it is much easier to see how useless it is when it is not your own situation. Look at the pattern, Russell. When you back off a while, she turns it on for a brief period. It's possible, if not probable, that you are being played like a fiddle. It's also possible that she's stringing you until she is financially and/or psychologically able to cut the line. It's also possible that she wants to hang with people (or someone/s) closer to her own age (if she isn't already). Afterall, she missed out on this portion of early adulthood. You mention she is enjoying the party life, right? I mean, do you really believe that some partying time and/or expermentation with the "early adulthood" she missed will just fizzle out, and she'll come back to her senses and be Nice Wife again, like before? Russell, I hope I'm wrong. I await the LS Forum assessment of my POV before I offer an opinion on how to handle, as I am a new member, and a beginner at this. Thanks for your input, you have a'lot of valid points. Today has been huge for me i have realised i have turned into something i never wanted to be. It's time to wake up! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I think you got it sussed Yas. Not bad for a beginner. Also to add, she doesn't want to lose her built-in babysitter. Children have a way of cramping one's style when there are parties and fun to be had. If LC doesn't work in changing things around and you fear that by doing this you are pushing her away...you are wrong....it will just confirm what we know, that she is already gone. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I just got another text saying i take it valentines cancelled? i ignored it! Turn your phone off. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I haven't read your whole thread but from what I have read (so maybe I'm way off) one of tow things is happening here 1. Your wife still has feelings for you and is showing this with the angry text messages. If this is the case she is being very immature. You have two options, one keep doing what you are doing or two talk honestly with her about how you are feeling and suggest that if she wants to work on this you two should go to relate. 2. Your wife is playing you for a fool and being manipulative on purpose. Again two options, keep doing what you are doing or talk and suggest relate, if she refuses, whether what is really going on is option one or two, you will have your answer and the stress of not knowing what is going on will end. Of course the emotional rollarcoaster of getting over will begin, but if there is one thing I have learnt from my own expereince over the last two years it is this...you cannot make anyone do anything, all you can do is be true to yourself and honest with them, if you do that and they don't want to know, then ultimately you will see, eventually after a lot of time, pain and maybe some IC, that they weren't worthy of you anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Pot, coke, alchohol, attention from guys, and the party life. Is it possible she engaged in any of these activities when she has the children? Does she drive a vehicle? Do you think it's a good idea to rely on her judgment? Is it possible that her judgment might at times be impared? Can you trust someone that needs to use/abuse substance with young children? Suppose one of the children happened to get their hands on the substance by accident? What if law enforcement got involved? Suppose she got arrested for possession or driving under the influence (and the kids are in the car)? Where would the police take the children where you live? Did you ever consider that someone else may be observing your wife's conduct, and have a legitimate concern for the kids? You never know, if a teacher, colleague, or even a caring friend happens to suspect your wife's illegal substance abuse they may feel compelled (or required) to make a report to CPS. You let her have charge of these children when you well know she is using illegal drugs. You have essentially testifed to that on the LS site. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I do not recall any posts where concern is expressed about getting her help with substance abuse. Did it ever occur to you that you could lose the children over something like this? You know about it, but you do not seem to be taking any action in this regard, unless I missed something. Rather than worrying over petty text messages, I'd get some professional intervention like yesterday. Go get some advice/direction about your concerns regarding this issue on record immediately. If you have any doubts, or question this POV, it may be very theriputic for you to re-read your very first thread. It is time to wake up to the possible consequences your wife's conduct might have on her well being and that of the children. I realize I gave you a lot of "what if" sceneros. We buy car insurance, and health insurance and life insurance to cover the "what ifs." In that context, is my point unreasonable? I'm just some new blood, trying to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Pot, coke, alchohol, attention from guys, and the party life. Is it possible she engaged in any of these activities when she has the children? Does she drive a vehicle? Do you think it's a good idea to rely on her judgment? Is it possible that her judgment might at times be impared? Can you trust someone that needs to use/abuse substance with young children? Suppose one of the children happened to get their hands on the substance by accident? What if law enforcement got involved? Suppose she got arrested for possession or driving under the influence (and the kids are in the car)? Where would the police take the children where you live? Did you ever consider that someone else may be observing your wife's conduct, and have a legitimate concern for the kids? You never know, if a teacher, colleague, or even a caring friend happens to suspect your wife's illegal substance abuse they may feel compelled (or required) to make a report to CPS. You let her have charge of these children when you well know she is using illegal drugs. You have essentially testifed to that on the LS site. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I do not recall any posts where concern is expressed about getting her help with substance abuse. Did it ever occur to you that you could lose the children over something like this? You know about it, but you do not seem to be taking any action in this regard, unless I missed something. Rather than worrying over petty text messages, I'd get some professional intervention like yesterday. Go get some advice/direction about your concerns regarding this issue on record immediately. If you have any doubts, or question this POV, it may be very theriputic for you to re-read your very first thread. It is time to wake up to the possible consequences your wife's conduct might have on her well being and that of the children. I realize I gave you a lot of "what if" sceneros. We buy car insurance, and health insurance and life insurance to cover the "what ifs." In that context, is my point unreasonable? I'm just some new blood, trying to help you. As far as I’m aware she only does coke when she goes out on her mad nights out! She drinks a bottle of white wine a night, and will smoke pot whenever she gets a chance. With regards to my daughters I’m a pillar of strength and if it came to it I’m capable of looking after them full time, I can’t push this at the moment while I’m trying to reconcile! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Rob, You where right she didn’t come round last night! But around 10.40pm she text me are the girls ok? I thought this was weird as she has never done this in the evening before and I have been having them every Tuesday and Thursday for a month now! I replied yes. Then came 5 more Text 2 What’s wrong with you? response i ignore Text 3 is it cause i didn't come round response i ignore Text 4 ok be grumpy then response i ignore Text 5 Come on what’s wrong with you response i ignore Text 6. ok b like that. take it valentines day is cancelled = I ignore I sent her a text this morning saying that after her first text I was in bed sleeping and I turned my phone off she didn’t respond She then came over and was very cold, I said why you being so hostile she said you did get the texts and you didn’t reply because you where angry that I didn’t come over, I said that is untrue, I was cheerful and chatty, but she was convinced I was ignoring her because she didn’t come over. Whats your thought Rob. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 but she was convinced I was ignoring her because she didn’t come over. . Her problem not yours Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Her problem not yours She just sent me another text asking me to call her other phone as she has lost it, she then texted twice I have turned off my phone Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 She just sent me another text asking me to call her other phone as she has lost it, she then texted twice I have turned off my phone Russell, do that for her, don't be an ass. Just stand up to her if she gets bitchy to you. Wife' until you can talk to me in a friendly and civil manner, this conversation is over. Phne down Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Rob, You where right she didn’t come round last night! But around 10.40pm she text me are the girls ok? I thought this was weird as she has never done this in the evening before and I have been having them every Tuesday and Thursday for a month now! I replied yes. Then came 5 more Text 2 What’s wrong with you? response i ignore Text 3 is it cause i didn't come round response i ignore Text 4 ok be grumpy then response i ignore Text 5 Come on what’s wrong with you response i ignore Text 6. ok b like that. take it valentines day is cancelled = I ignore I sent her a text this morning saying that after her first text I was in bed sleeping and I turned my phone off she didn’t respond She then came over and was very cold, I said why you being so hostile she said you did get the texts and you didn’t reply because you where angry that I didn’t come over, I said that is untrue, I was cheerful and chatty, but she was convinced I was ignoring her because she didn’t come over. Whats your thought Rob. You did the right thing telling her you'd fallen asleep, she needs to think you are not doing it just to "get her back". But you should get out more on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Russell, do that for her, don't be an ass. Just stand up to her if she gets bitchy to you. Wife' until you can talk to me in a friendly and civil manner, this conversation is over. Phne down This is the problem knowing when to respond and not too, as advised I did! It went to voicemail I texted her to let her know Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 This is the problem knowing when to respond and not too, as advised I did! It went to voicemail I texted her to let her know Cool, it was no big deal, now. You've pretty much shown her you are not hostile or angry. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 this is tiring me out just reading this. these are like high school games, you need to stop playing along. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 marqueemoon4, I agree. She has you wrapped around her finger my friend. You are buying into this silliness hook line and sinker. It's hard to watch. Link to post Share on other sites
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