robf1971 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Well, right now all in know is that she doesn't want a divorce. I need to try to get her straight and get her back, so if you have any advice there that would be most welcome No guaruntees but all the advice you've been getting is the best way!! If I was you I'd be putting my energy into giving my kids a nice weekend, and planning a great weekend for myself next weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 Ok i realise now how used i have been, it's my weekend with girls and the last weekend it was hers. On her weekend we took the girls out both days! Now it's my weekend she has gone missing after saying we would do something!No call, no text, I'm not contacting her, lesson learnt i think Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Ok i realise now how used i have been, it's my weekend with girls and the last weekend it was hers. On her weekend we took the girls out both days! Now it's my weekend she has gone missing after saying we would do something!No call, no text, I'm not contacting her, lesson learnt i think Yep next weekend do something for you, ignore her completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 Well we did end up going out, but for the first time I realized that she has all the control, I don't have 14 k to pay for a divorce, she could sign the seperation agreement and that will end it! She has told me today to be carefull as she may try and fight me for the house! She won't do either so I can't do a thing! So here's the deal I can't stand up to her legally, she also thinks she can say jump and I will say how high( she said this to me!) I have no controll, she said the only reason she hasn't signed the seperation agreement or agreed to a divorce is that she knows that I will be out of her life and she doesn't want it!! She has me by the balls!! Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 duuuuuuuuude.... yea she has the control if you keep SPENDING TIME WITH HER and showing that you want her back! She does NOT have you by the balls.. she is the one with the coke habit, and she is the one playing games. Seriously man, stop believing her lies.. you're in a much better position than you think! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Well i did spend a'lot of the weekend with her, we have gone from her calling me this morning and saying that i should move in with her and rent my house out, by the evening time she was treating my like a complete stranger and being quit horrible telling me how she took pleasure throwing her wedding ring over the road, and coudnt wait to get away! Well it;s my fault for spending time with her,i think this is where it gets tough, where is the balance between wanting to spend time if you life apart and also trying recreate interest, Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Well i did spend a'lot of the weekend with her, , Why, why,why why? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Yep next weekend do something for you, ignore her completely. Self-savotage? Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Well we did end up going out, but for the first time I realized that she has all the control, I don't have 14 k to pay for a divorce, she could sign the seperation agreement and that will end it! She has told me today to be carefull as she may try and fight me for the house! She won't do either so I can't do a thing! So here's the deal I can't stand up to her legally, she also thinks she can say jump and I will say how high( she said this to me!) I have no controll, she said the only reason she hasn't signed the seperation agreement or agreed to a divorce is that she knows that I will be out of her life and she doesn't want it!! She has me by the balls!! OK did a bit of research for you, average legal fees £2000 each, the £14,000 figure includes costs of reestablishing yourself eg second car, rental property/new home, personal items such as kitchen ware, vacum cleaner and so on. Not being able to afford to divorce her should not be a reason to feel that she has control over you, please go and see a solicitor for a free half hour appointment and find out exactly what the legal position is for YOU. Stop spending time with her, you are giving her control by doing so, you need to start living for you and your children. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 OK did a bit of research for you, average legal fees £2000 each, the £14,000 figure includes costs of reestablishing yourself eg second car, rental property/new home, personal items such as kitchen ware, vacum cleaner and so on. Not being able to afford to divorce her should not be a reason to feel that she has control over you, please go and see a solicitor for a free half hour appointment and find out exactly what the legal position is for YOU. Stop spending time with her, you are giving her control by doing so, you need to start living for you and your children. Yep, stop spending time with her. However, I just think he's light years away from divorce and right now it's something that he doesn't want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Ok,this is where i'm making a mistake! as we live apart, we don't get a chance to spend time together, so it was my weekend with the girls and she wanted to hang out.As i said she wanted me to move in then she started to hate me. So i can get this clear, we live apart! I want to reconsile my marriage, how do i do this without spending time with her? Also, she does thinks she has me hanging on a piece of string! It's Monday, it's my weekend coming up, Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Ok,this is where i'm making a mistake! as we live apart, we don't get a chance to spend time together, so it was my weekend with the girls and she wanted to hang out.As i said she wanted me to move in then she started to hate me. So i can get this clear, we live apart! I want to reconsile my marriage, how do i do this without spending time with her? Also, she does thinks she has me hanging on a piece of string! It's Monday, it's my weekend coming up, Got some spare cash? Easyjet or Ryanair website. Barcelona ? Dublin? Get on Teletext? Landzerote for the weekend? Your spitting distance from Gatwick, shouldn't be too hard... Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Rob, I am off for this wwekend for sure! What i need to know how, we live apart how do you reconsile when you don't see each other? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Rob, I am off for this wwekend for sure! What i need to know how, we live apart how do you reconsile when you don't see each other? At the moment she's got the best of both worlds, your her plaything, ready to jump at a moments notice. At the same time she's got the partying single life. Life couldn't get better for her could it? She doesn't repect you one iota Russell, I hope you know that. Without respect she cannot love you. This is how you will reconcile, gaining the respect back. When she rings you and wants to "hang out" she needs to see that your time is valuable and you have other stuff going on. This is also a golden opportunity for you to get a life and you are just p*ssing it away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 At the moment she's got the best of both worlds, your her plaything, ready to jump at a moments notice. At the same time she's got the partying single life. Life couldn't get better for her could it? She doesn't repect you one iota Russell, I hope you know that. Without respect she cannot love you. This is how you will reconcile, gaining the respect back. When she rings you and wants to "hang out" she needs to see that your time is valuable and you have other stuff going on. This is also a golden opportunity for you to get a life and you are just p*ssing it away. I think you are 100% right, how long do you think to turn this around? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I think you are 100% right, how long do you think to turn this around? Don't know, there are no guaruntees. You might not be able to but you need to give it your best shot. It also may come to a reversal, she may want you back and you might not want her. There is no such thing as a crystal ball. The whole point of this is to get yourself back and you realising there is more to life than your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) She has been taking the piss out of me! How can you call someone up and say that you should move back in with them and then 8 hours later be as cold as ice! I’m pissed off with myself , I know she has been hanging around with some low life’s and I think she thinks that if she keeps me hanging on she always has that door open , I’m being too nice and available. She is also battering herself she looked like crap when she came around this morning I had to move her car and it stank of cigs and booze. But you are right, i have lost who i am and need to getmy own life back, and ti think there has been so much betrayl IE the drugs and booze it may not work for me,But here goes one final full blooded attempt. With have been seperated for 3.5 months. Lets see! Edited March 7, 2011 by russell1968 Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Sounds like a very difficult relationship. Russell, your first duty, your first role in this world, is to look after yourself. It's no-one else's job to make you happy. It is certainly not your estranged wife's job. She obviously has a lot of personal issues to deal with, and it will be best for professionals to help her with that if and when she decides she wants help. Meanwhile, you have to look after yourself and, if you give a ****, your children. Go and get a haircut, get a wet shave by the barber whilst you're there. Get some new clothes, and some aftershave (Light Blue for men by D&G is a good one). Find a massage therapist in your area and book yourself an hour long massage. You'll feel 500% better just for treating yourself a bit. Now find a martial arts or yoga or pilates class and book yourself in. Healthy body and mind means healthy soul. Do things you enjoy, like watching the match, going for a walk, call an old friend and see how they're doing, go watch Paul or some other funny at the cinema. Do things that you enjoy. Switch your phone off when you go to bed. Tell yourself "I do not deserve to be treated like this" whenever your estranged wife attacks you again. And these verbal and financial assaults are just that - attacks. Ignore her. She's made you into a gibbering wreck and still she's not happy. Everything you liked about her is gone. She's a different person now. A troubled and unstable one, and she's hurting you deliberately. Block her out. She is the past. You are now moving into a new phase in your life and it's all about the people who you make you happy, not the ones that make you feel sad. There is no way that you will get your wife back if you both keep playing this game of cat and mouse. Even if, in some remote future she has stabilised and you both get together and things works out forever and ever, it is a remote possibility and never ever ever something you can rely on. It's make believe to spend your life trying to "win" someone. Talking of "winning" is just a sign that it's all ****ed up. Move on, be honest with yourself, ignore her, look after the people who really love you, get advice and support from professionals (e.g. massage therapists, psychotherapists, Relate counselling services, your doctor) and just do things that make you happy instead of living in the past and future but dying continually in the present. When you have sorted your life out a bit, speak to lawyers about the house and access rights. Get your fair share. You'll need it to (a) enjoy yourself and (b) help you be ready for a new relationship, in which you learn from your mistakes this time. Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) Very wise words Betterdeal, for many of us in this situation or similar! Thanks Edited March 7, 2011 by tobydog1 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 At the moment she's got the best of both worlds, your her plaything, ready to jump at a moments notice. At the same time she's got the partying single life. Life couldn't get better for her could it? She doesn't repect you one iota Russell, I hope you know that. Without respect she cannot love you. This is how you will reconcile, gaining the respect back. When she rings you and wants to "hang out" she needs to see that your time is valuable and you have other stuff going on. This is also a golden opportunity for you to get a life and you are just p*ssing it away. OK Russell, so you don't want to divorce. Non of us did. However, it takes two people to reconcile a marriage and if one is not willing or worse is using you because they can, then whether you see them, don't see them, are nice, hang out or not won't make the blindest bit of difference. Right now you are ALLOWING her to treat you badly and you are teaching her that it is OK because there are no consequences to her actions. I was just doing some reading on a link someone sent me about boundaries. Very interesting, might help you to look at some stuff on this too. Rob is correct, she has it how she wants it and when you tell her one thing but then your actions ALLOW her to keep treating you the same way, she knows she can keep doing whatever she likes and getting what she wants from you. You have to set boundaries and then follow through. She will either realise that she can't play you for a fool anymore or she will move on to using and abusing some other guy, but either way you get to be respected, loved and cared for as you should be and not used and abused anymore. You think you are showing her that you love her, truth time, she sees you as a mug, a puppet whose strings she can pull. Stop letting her. You cannot control anyone elses actions only your own. You have to decide how much you are willing to put up with, before you are willing to walk away if things don't change in the way she continuely crosses your boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 OK Russell, so you don't want to divorce. Non of us did. However, it takes two people to reconcile a marriage and if one is not willing or worse is using you because they can, then whether you see them, don't see them, are nice, hang out or not won't make the blindest bit of difference. Right now you are ALLOWING her to treat you badly and you are teaching her that it is OK because there are no consequences to her actions. I was just doing some reading on a link someone sent me about boundaries. Very interesting, might help you to look at some stuff on this too. Rob is correct, she has it how she wants it and when you tell her one thing but then your actions ALLOW her to keep treating you the same way, she knows she can keep doing whatever she likes and getting what she wants from you. You have to set boundaries and then follow through. She will either realise that she can't play you for a fool anymore or she will move on to using and abusing some other guy, but either way you get to be respected, loved and cared for as you should be and not used and abused anymore. You think you are showing her that you love her, truth time, she sees you as a mug, a puppet whose strings she can pull. Stop letting her. You cannot control anyone elses actions only your own. You have to decide how much you are willing to put up with, before you are willing to walk away if things don't change in the way she continuely crosses your boundaries. I realise this now! She does think she can do what she wants! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 OK Russell, so you don't want to divorce. Non of us did. However, it takes two people to reconcile a marriage and if one is not willing or worse is using you because they can, then whether you see them, don't see them, are nice, hang out or not won't make the blindest bit of difference. Right now you are ALLOWING her to treat you badly and you are teaching her that it is OK because there are no consequences to her actions. I was just doing some reading on a link someone sent me about boundaries. Very interesting, might help you to look at some stuff on this too. Rob is correct, she has it how she wants it and when you tell her one thing but then your actions ALLOW her to keep treating you the same way, she knows she can keep doing whatever she likes and getting what she wants from you. You have to set boundaries and then follow through. She will either realise that she can't play you for a fool anymore or she will move on to using and abusing some other guy, but either way you get to be respected, loved and cared for as you should be and not used and abused anymore. You think you are showing her that you love her, truth time, she sees you as a mug, a puppet whose strings she can pull. Stop letting her. You cannot control anyone elses actions only your own. You have to decide how much you are willing to put up with, before you are willing to walk away if things don't change in the way she continuely crosses your boundaries. Hey Willow, Can you send me the link regarding boundaries, you are right about one thing, she even mentioned, she says jump i say how high! That really pissed me off, she also said the way to get back together is too start as freinds and rebuild! I think she is full of ****! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 She does think she can do what she wants! And everything you've said so far says she's right, so far. Must be driving her mad you being so suppliant and not standing up for yourself. That is often one of the things that makes an abusive person more angry, more frustrated, because the guilt they feel for hurting you, and at the same time the pain of someone who they are supposed to be connected with being so dishonest as to not stand up for themselves. I'm not blaming you, just explaining what goes on in an unsettled mind. I also know that if you don't have the right skills or words to be able to understand and partake in the situation, we often roll over and play dead, rather than stand our ground. That doesn't work if you rely on it all the time. You need to be assertive. To be able to say to yourself (at the very least) "No, I don't like this" and (if you feel it's a good idea) to also say, "No, don't call me / call me that / expect me to jump for you / bully me" to her. She might laugh at you, call you a wimp, whatever. You stood your ground. You didn't get nasty. You stated something honest and clear. It will be good for you, and probably her. I think of conflict with people I care about like this: it's their behaviour I don''t like; not them. Some good books: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Very wise words Betterdeal, for many of us in this situation or similar!Thanks You're welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) I would like to thank everyone who had been giving me all this great advice! I offered to have the girls tonight as she has a big exam in the morning, She dropped off a bag with my girls kit in, there is a shop 400 metres from my house I need some milk for my baby so I ran down the road ad I was running back when I saw her pulling up near where a suspected dealer lives! She saw me buy i carried on running. She the drove after me and shouted out she was just getting some weed! One hour later my neigbour babysat ad I'm training to run the Berlin marathon as I got to the bottom of street I noticed that she hadjust parked her car around the corner ! I ran for about 2 hours an her car was still parked there, I sent her a message saying how deceiptfull and untrustworthy she was and how I woudnt have anything to do with her again! She then turned up at my house telling me she was ashamed so she had gone underground, I told her to leave! She woudnt, she the said the only reason I was angry was that I thought that she had been sleeping with this guy! She then walked out pissed off with me! This relationship is very unhealthy! I'm done!!! Edited March 7, 2011 by russell1968 Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts