Can i save this?

[tobydog1]

Russell,

 

If you are so concerned about your kids then you would not let her have them, full stop!

How can she care for them if she is off her head?

What if something happened to them?

 

You can ring social services with a referral and they will visit un-announced to assess the situation. If there are any concerns they will put a plan into place very quickly. Do this asap.

 

Then you will get the children and you can let her sort herself out.

 

Do this now as a matter of urgency.

 

You have to do this for everyone's wellbeing and safety.

[russell1968]

Russell,

 

If you are so concerned about your kids then you would not let her have them, full stop!

How can she care for them if she is off her head?

What if something happened to them?

 

You can ring social services with a referral and they will visit un-announced to assess the situation. If there are any concerns they will put a plan into place very quickly. Do this asap.

 

Then you will get the children and you can let her sort herself out.

 

Do this now as a matter of urgency.

 

You have to do this for everyone's wellbeing and safety.

 

I spoke to social services and and my solicitor.

 

Social services asked me if there was any sign of neglect, i said no as there isn't. The they told me there was nothin i could do.

 

My solicitor told me it's highly unlikely the court would grant custody to the father even if she had a positive hair strand test which is purely voluntery,

[russell1968]

Today, is a weird day for me, i feel very angry and resentfull towards my wife for everything she has done, she has split a family apart for no good reason, she has devoloped a drug habit.

 

I can't stand how often she changes her mind, ;ast weekend she was speaking about moving back in, now nothing!

[betterdeal]

So she's off the rails and you are not making any decisions or expressing yourself well. The two are feeding off each other. I recognise some of the signs of borderline personality disorder in what you have said about your wife, and signs of you being introverted and poorly equipped to recognise, express, and act on your feelings. You both can benefit from good quality talk-therapy. Your wife, with someone who knows about abuse and personality disorders; you with someone who knows about assertiveness and anger management.

 

You cannot make your wife go to therapy, but you can decide to go yourself. You can also ask her what she wants, and suggest she consider therapy. Or possibly you can both agree to attend relationship counselling. Google "Relate" to find a charity that provides free, confidential relationship counselling.

[russell1968]

So she's off the rails and you are not making any decisions or expressing yourself well. The two are feeding off each other. I recognise some of the signs of borderline personality disorder in what you have said about your wife, and signs of you being introverted and poorly equipped to recognise, express, and act on your feelings. You both can benefit from good quality talk-therapy. Your wife, with someone who knows about abuse and personality disorders; you with someone who knows about assertiveness and anger management.

 

You cannot make your wife go to therapy, but you can decide to go yourself. You can also ask her what she wants, and suggest she consider therapy. Or possibly you can both agree to attend relationship counselling. Google "Relate" to find a charity that provides free, confidential relationship counselling.

 

She won't go to therapy!

 

I think i'm just better off leaving her be?

[willowthewisp]

So she is not taking any steps to sort herself out. Are you still supporting her financially? If so stop, stop paying her rent, stop paying her bills, if the children need something, pay for it directly, order her food shopping online once a week and have it delivered to her, to ensure that your children eat, but do not give her any money because you cannot be sure she is not spending it on drugs.

[russell1968]

So she is not taking any steps to sort herself out. Are you still supporting her financially? If so stop, stop paying her rent, stop paying her bills, if the children need something, pay for it directly, order her food shopping online once a week and have it delivered to her, to ensure that your children eat, but do not give her any money because you cannot be sure she is not spending it on drugs.

 

All i pay is child support, i woudn't give her another penny!

[UnsureinSeattle]

Russ- you SHOULD let her be. You have to worry about yourself and your children. I know you still love her... but you have to worry about your own happiness, security, etc.

[russell1968]

Russ- you SHOULD let her be. You have to worry about yourself and your children. I know you still love her... but you have to worry about your own happiness, security, etc.

 

Yep you are right!

 

Just having a crap day

[UnsureinSeattle]

Yep you are right!

 

Just having a crap day

There are more to come-

 

but you WILL get thru this.

[russell1968]

There are more to come-

 

but you WILL get thru this.

 

I was doing so well, then i just woke up feeling all wrong with the world, weird as we slept in each others arms this weekend., just for a hour or so but it ws a big step!Then she went cold, Drugs? Emotions ?

Edited March 15, 2011 by russell1968

[UnsureinSeattle]

Little of both, most likely.

[willowthewisp]

I was doing so well, then i just woke up feeling all wrong with the world, weird as we slept in each others arms this weekend., just for a hour or so but it ws a big step!Then she went cold, Drugs? Emotions ?

 

Russell what are you doing? Why are you not LC with her? You are sending her the message that there are no consequences to her actions because although your words say "I've had enough, get yourself sorted out or ship out" your actions are saying "that's fine sweetie, you take drugs, live on your own and party till the cows come home, I'll run around after the kids and be there for you every weekend when you feel like an outing or a cuddle".

[UnsureinSeattle]

Yeah, you really, really need to be NC with her.

[russell1968]

Russell what are you doing? Why are you not LC with her? You are sending her the message that there are no consequences to her actions because although your words say "I've had enough, get yourself sorted out or ship out" your actions are saying "that's fine sweetie, you take drugs, live on your own and party till the cows come home, I'll run around after the kids and be there for you every weekend when you feel like an outing or a cuddle".

 

I'm a ****ing dick but i'm just a love sick puppy, she was talking about moving back home!She told me she had stopped but it was just lies again

 

You are right, i have lost it today

[betterdeal]

If she won't go to therapy that's her choice. Will you go to therapy, or do you feel you're handling this well and are therefore there's nothing to gain from it?

[russell1968]

If she won't go to therapy that's her choice. Will you go to therapy, or do you feel you're handling this well and are therefore there's nothing to gain from it?

 

I have been working with a close freind of mine who is people coach and has helped me.

 

I guess i just hate the huge grey area in my life, like most guys on this site.

[betterdeal]

I have been working with a close freind of mine who is people coach and has helped me.

 

That's a very good start. I recommend considering a registered psychotherapist.

 

I guess i just hate the huge grey area in my life, like most guys on this site.

 

Every man is a mystery to no-one but himself.

 

No-one - especially a man - likes to entertain the idea that they are imperfect or wrong in any way: their minds and penises in particular.

 

Let's look at some facts:

 

1. You married someone almost young enough to be your daughter

2. You have children

3. You relationship has deteriorated a lot

4. You are anxious and stressed

5. You don't know what you want

6. You are not consistent in the way you deal with your estranged wife

7. You prefer to talk about her actions and words than your own

8. You agree with advice then ignore it

9. You rarely talk about the effect this is having on the children

10. Your estranged wife doesn't live with you

11. You blame drugs for your estranged wife's behaviour

12. You blame your estranged wife for the breakdown of the marriage

 

Do you notice something about all these points? They are all about you, and yet, strangely, everything is someone or something else's fault. Here's the science: You are an intrinsic part of this. You are not a child, although you behave like one, and there are actual, real, children in this tale who need parents who aren't so wrapped up in their own self-absorbed mini-dramas to provide them with a loving, secure, consistent and safe home.

 

You clearly do not have the skills to deal with this situation, and the reason you don't have those skills is something in your past. Something that a registered psychotherapist or psychiatrist may be able to help you confront, deal with, get over, and enable you to develop the skills, become the real you, and be the father, the parent, that your children need.

 

F*ck your marriage and the will she won't she melodrama. So what if you really really love her? I really really love ice cream. It doesn't mean I'll spend my days pining over missing ice cream at the expense of my duties and responsibilities as a grown up. Learn to love her from afar. Do whatever it takes, but please, start seeing your part in this, stop being so self-indulgent and see a professional who can really help you. Everything else is just bumper stickers.

[marqueemoon4]

wow, great post.

[russell1968]

That's a very good start. I recommend considering a registered psychotherapist.

 

 

 

Every man is a mystery to no-one but himself.

 

No-one - especially a man - likes to entertain the idea that they are imperfect or wrong in any way: their minds and penises in particular.

 

Let's look at some facts:

 

1. You married someone almost young enough to be your daughter

2. You have children

3. You relationship has deteriorated a lot

4. You are anxious and stressed

5. You don't know what you want

6. You are not consistent in the way you deal with your estranged wife

7. You prefer to talk about her actions and words than your own

8. You agree with advice then ignore it

9. You rarely talk about the effect this is having on the children

10. Your estranged wife doesn't live with you

11. You blame drugs for your estranged wife's behaviour

12. You blame your estranged wife for the breakdown of the marriage

 

Do you notice something about all these points? They are all about you, and yet, strangely, everything is someone or something else's fault. Here's the science: You are an intrinsic part of this. You are not a child, although you behave like one, and there are actual, real, children in this tale who need parents who aren't so wrapped up in their own self-absorbed mini-dramas to provide them with a loving, secure, consistent and safe home.

 

You clearly do not have the skills to deal with this situation, and the reason you don't have those skills is something in your past. Something that a registered psychotherapist or psychiatrist may be able to help you confront, deal with, get over, and enable you to develop the skills, become the real you, and be the father, the parent, that your children need.

 

F*ck your marriage and the will she won't she melodrama. So what if you really really love her? I really really love ice cream. It doesn't mean I'll spend my days pining over missing ice cream at the expense of my duties and responsibilities as a grown up. Learn to love her from afar. Do whatever it takes, but please, start seeing your part in this, stop being so self-indulgent and see a professional who can really help you. Everything else is just bumper stickers.

 

I want to make this quit clear, my children are 100% loved and looked after! I have mt children 5 nights a week. Also i do work and i'm responsible.

 

I admit i'm not dealing with the split very well, but hey I'm not perfect!

But please don't get personal?

[betterdeal]

Okay, good luck.

[What_Next]

Russell, betterdeal's post is not "personal" in terms of being a personal attack against you. You might read it that way, but it isn't.

 

Your kids are taken care of and that's what is important, YOU are largely responsible for that. You also have maintained your job and that is YOU as well.

 

However, YOUR behavior towards your wife and her issues is as betterdeal has laid out for you.

 

You have been given page after page after page of advice by many of the posters here. You have largely ignored it. Preferring instead to play a silly childish game of text messages etc (no offense Rob, I know you are trying to help). You have a clear and well defined path in front of you, but you are refusing to accept it.

 

You are enabling her drug use, you are almost tolerant of it. Why, I have no idea. You are also enabling your wife's behavior, in fact you are almost encouraging it, why again, I have no idea.

 

Russell, many of us on here have been trying to help you, we really have. It seems to have fallen on deaf ears though.

[betterdeal]

I admit I felt a certain amount of frustration and anger when I wrote my last post. I apologise for adding any stress to what is already a very stressful situation. I hope you find your way to whatever it is you want.

[russell1968]

I admit I felt a certain amount of frustration and anger when I wrote my last post. I apologise for adding any stress to what is already a very stressful situation. I hope you find your way to whatever it is you want.

 

it's ok, i understand how frustrating it must be.

 

But i'm confused, if you where to meet me you would never know what was going on-on the inside.

 

I was just having a bad day!

 

Going to let sleeping dogs lie

[russell1968]

Russell, betterdeal's post is not "personal" in terms of being a personal attack against you. You might read it that way, but it isn't.

 

Your kids are taken care of and that's what is important, YOU are largely responsible for that. You also have maintained your job and that is YOU as well.

 

However, YOUR behavior towards your wife and her issues is as betterdeal has laid out for you.

 

You have been given page after page after page of advice by many of the posters here. You have largely ignored it. Preferring instead to play a silly childish game of text messages etc (no offense Rob, I know you are trying to help). You have a clear and well defined path in front of you, but you are refusing to accept it.

 

You are enabling her drug use, you are almost tolerant of it. Why, I have no idea. You are also enabling your wife's behavior, in fact you are almost encouraging it, why again, I have no idea.

 

Russell, many of us on here have been trying to help you, we really have. It seems to have fallen on deaf ears though.

 

I can't stop her drug use! I don't think she can either.

But you are correct i should no longer spend time with her.