willowthewisp Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I'm a ****ing dick but i'm just a love sick puppy, she was talking about moving back home!She told me she had stopped but it was just lies again You are right, i have lost it today Russell, it's OK to feel like you do, no one thinks this is easy and we have all been where you are to some degree. Your instinct tells you to keep loving, keep being aminable, keep trying to work things out, but unfortunately you have to go against your instinct and that is an incrediably hard thing to accept, it causes a great deal of anxiety. The reason you need to go against your instinct is because sometimes people really are just s***ts, sometimes people really do just have their own issues, I spent and year and a half self blaming for my ex leaving and 6 months of therapy later you know what my therapist finally got through to me? Not everyone has responsibility in the break down of a marriage, not every time, sure sometimes both people play a part, but sometimes the walk away spouse has issues of their own. Sometimes people who are married, friends who are supporting you will argue otherwise because quite simply they cannot face the possibility that a loving spouse could ever just walk away without reason pertaining from the marriage, just too difficult to comprehend. Your wife has a drug problem. Now, that could be indicative of a problem with your marriage to which you both contributed or it could be indicative of a problem within herself that has resulted in the demise of your marriage. Only you know the answer to that, no one can answer that for you and whilst your wife refuses MC, you have to not dwell upon it, because you go the self blame route like I did and I can tell you now you'll go nuts trying to figure it out. What you can do is start focusing on you, you have no control over her or what she does, only yourself. By the way, the rubblsih about moving back in was probably said to keep you on the hook, where she wants you. Think about it like this Russell, if she feels the relationship is so bad that she has decided to move out, if she's that unhappy with it and with you then why in the world would she want to spend time with you on weekends? Let alone cuddle. See? Logically it doesn't add up. If she was interested in reconnecting and working on things she would be agreeing to MC or if she is opposed to that for other reasons, then at least setting a proper plan between the two of you to work on things. Factor in her drug problem and what you have is a very troubled, insecure person that is using you and your love for her own gain fuelled by addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Russell, it's OK to feel like you do, no one thinks this is easy and we have all been where you are to some degree. Your instinct tells you to keep loving, keep being aminable, keep trying to work things out, but unfortunately you have to go against your instinct and that is an incrediably hard thing to accept, it causes a great deal of anxiety. The reason you need to go against your instinct is because sometimes people really are just s***ts, sometimes people really do just have their own issues, I spent and year and a half self blaming for my ex leaving and 6 months of therapy later you know what my therapist finally got through to me? Not everyone has responsibility in the break down of a marriage, not every time, sure sometimes both people play a part, but sometimes the walk away spouse has issues of their own. Sometimes people who are married, friends who are supporting you will argue otherwise because quite simply they cannot face the possibility that a loving spouse could ever just walk away without reason pertaining from the marriage, just too difficult to comprehend. Your wife has a drug problem. Now, that could be indicative of a problem with your marriage to which you both contributed or it could be indicative of a problem within herself that has resulted in the demise of your marriage. Only you know the answer to that, no one can answer that for you and whilst your wife refuses MC, you have to not dwell upon it, because you go the self blame route like I did and I can tell you now you'll go nuts trying to figure it out. What you can do is start focusing on you, you have no control over her or what she does, only yourself. By the way, the rubblsih about moving back in was probably said to keep you on the hook, where she wants you. Think about it like this Russell, if she feels the relationship is so bad that she has decided to move out, if she's that unhappy with it and with you then why in the world would she want to spend time with you on weekends? Let alone cuddle. See? Logically it doesn't add up. If she was interested in reconnecting and working on things she would be agreeing to MC or if she is opposed to that for other reasons, then at least setting a proper plan between the two of you to work on things. Factor in her drug problem and what you have is a very troubled, insecure person that is using you and your love for her own gain fuelled by addiction. Willow, I think you have hit nail on the head! There is nothing i can do, i'm going to stop seeing her on a social level! I'm being used and taken advantage of. I think i have known this for a while. I'm dissapointed in myself, if she would just leave me be for a few days so i can regain strength. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 , if she would just leave me be for a few days so i can regain strength. You are allowing her to get to you. No need to be nasty to her, just get busy on your own stuff. I'm telling you there is way more to life than your other half. Life is f*cking great... your too busy to be playing games with her. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 she would be agreeing to MC . She would be dragging you there, trust me Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Now, that could be indicative of a problem with your marriage to which you both contributed or it could be indicative of a problem within herself that has resulted in the demise of your marriage. . Yeah you both contibuted, it's always two to tango. But who cares now, until she is off drugs and in MC with you (if ever) that would be the time to start talking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 what you have is a very troubled, insecure person that is using you and your love for her own gain fuelled by addiction. Yeah and expect her do all manner of things for money, including using you, once her inheritence runs out. Which would be in about 5 minutes if she's still spending at the rate you said she was. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I also think you need to have a little calm chat with her along the lines of "wife, you need to stop turning up at my house uninvited ok, it's disrespectful to my privacy and it's not healthy to live like this" Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 By the way, the rubblsih about moving back in was probably said to keep you on the hook, where she wants you. Think about it like this Russell, if she feels the relationship is so bad that she has decided to move out, if she's that unhappy with it and with you then why in the world would she want to spend time with you on weekends? Let alone cuddle. See? Logically it doesn't add up. If she was interested in reconnecting and working on things she would be agreeing to MC or if she is opposed to that for other reasons, then at least setting a proper plan between the two of you to work on things. Factor in her drug problem and what you have is a very troubled, insecure person that is using you and your love for her own gain fuelled by addiction. This is what i find hard to understand! Why does she want to see me so much, if i was so terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Yeah and expect her do all manner of things for money, including using you, once her inheritence runs out. Which would be in about 5 minutes if she's still spending at the rate you said she was. This is what i worry about! She has the option of signing the seperation agreement which will give her 15k, but at least then i will have secured my assetts Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I'm dissapointed in myself, if she would just leave me be for a few days so i can regain strength. You have in this sentence revealed something you want, which is great progress: you want her to leave you alone for a few days. Tell her this if she contacts you again. Ignore her phone calls. Do not let her into the house. Do not open the door to her. You need some time without having to deal with her. She's a grown up and can fend for herself for a few days. Tell her a day when you will be prepared to see her again. Sunday afternoon sounds like a good day for that. See her somewhere public, neutral and not in either home. In a park, for instance. Set yourself a time limit of one hour. When the hour is up, tell her you are going now. You are not obliged to offer an explanation as to why you are leaving. Don't be disappointed with yourself - you're doing the best you can with what you have been given. This part of your life is extremely stressful. You are probably not sleeping, eating or exercising well enough right now because you are on constant alert. It will continue to wear you down until something changes. That may be that your estranged wife runs away with the circus, or your mind and body begin to deteriorate from the constant stress sufficiently that you cannot function normally. You do not deserve to be in this place. You can choose to not be in this place. You are not responsible for your estranged wife's happiness. You can be responsible for you own happiness. You need to feel safe. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Why does she want to see me so much, if i was so terrible. She was probably abused as a child and saw in you a father-figure. She probably hasn't come to terms with the concept that people we love can do bad things. She has probably coped with her love of her father / mother / uncle / whoever hurt her so much by trying to suppress one emotion in favour of the other. She is probably re-enacting that relationship with you and, maybe at some subconscious level, you may be re-enacting some unresolved issues from your childhood too. Cocaine is a pain killer. Whilst you both may see the inherent pain and suffering at the heart of your beings, you are making life worse for each other. Sometimes, if you love someone, you have to set them free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 You have in this sentence revealed something you want, which is great progress: you want her to leave you alone for a few days. Tell her this if she contacts you again. Ignore her phone calls. Do not let her into the house. Do not open the door to her. You need some time without having to deal with her. She's a grown up and can fend for herself for a few days. Tell her a day when you will be prepared to see her again. Sunday afternoon sounds like a good day for that. See her somewhere public, neutral and not in either home. In a park, for instance. Set yourself a time limit of one hour. When the hour is up, tell her you are going now. You are not obliged to offer an explanation as to why you are leaving. Don't be disappointed with yourself - you're doing the best you can with what you have been given. This part of your life is extremely stressful. You are probably not sleeping, eating or exercising well enough right now because you are on constant alert. It will continue to wear you down until something changes. That may be that your estranged wife runs away with the circus, or your mind and body begin to deteriorate from the constant stress sufficiently that you cannot function normally. You do not deserve to be in this place. You can choose to not be in this place. You are not responsible for your estranged wife's happiness. You can be responsible for you own happiness. You need to feel safe. Thanks, In your post last night you did make some very valid points, in fact they where so true they hurt! I will have to see her Friday morning when she picks up my daughter from home, but i do genuinally mean it now i'm backing off! Last night after i put my girls to bed i worked out and carried on decorating my house, spoke to freind on the phone had some dinner(Felt Good!) You are right i'm fed up with feeling like this! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 In your post last night you did make some very valid points, in fact they where so true they hurt! The truth will set you free! I will have to see her Friday morning when she picks up my daughter from home, but i do genuinally mean it now i'm backing off! Last night after i put my girls to bed i worked out and carried on decorating my house, spoke to freind on the phone had some dinner(Felt Good!) You are right i'm fed up with feeling like this! Good. You're taking control of your life (not hers) and that's great progress! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 She was probably abused as a child and saw in you a father-figure. She probably hasn't come to terms with the concept that people we love can do bad things. She has probably coped with her love of her father / mother / uncle / whoever hurt her so much by trying to suppress one emotion in favour of the other. She is probably re-enacting that relationship with you and, maybe at some subconscious level, you may be re-enacting some unresolved issues from your childhood too. Cocaine is a pain killer. Whilst you both may see the inherent pain and suffering at the heart of your beings, you are making life worse for each other. Sometimes, if you love someone, you have to set them free. She has never met her Father, this may have something to do with it? I know this really bothers her Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 She has never met her Father, this may have something to do with it? I know this really bothers her That's her problem, not yours, or mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 That's her problem, not yours, or mine. Agreed, Betterdeal, have a read of this article i think it has some good points http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Agreed, Betterdeal, have a read of this article i think it has some good points http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ really great article, read from top to bottom. i know how you feel Russell, I have major, major problems detaching, especially from someone I was with for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Agreed, Betterdeal, have a read of this article i think it has some good points http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ Great! You're now seeing things from your point of view and dealing with your needs, problems, weaknesses. Your growth, satisfaction, happiness can only be realised from this point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Agreed, Betterdeal, have a read of this article i think it has some good points http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ I just read this article. I think marriages that range in the decade(s) can be more difficult to detach from due to a "deeper love" that may develop between the spouses (although one does not seem to care anymore). Therefore, although thoughtfully written, at least in my case, I feel absolutely no relief from the article whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 She has a drug problem, the help will have to come from within her. Unfortunately you will have to watch as she slowly destroys herself, until she reaches rock bottom, only when she reaches rock bottom will she ask for help and begin helping herself. That may be a long time coming and I hate to say it but she could even end up killing herself with the drugs before she reaches it. When I first came across this thead it was about 50 pages long and it took me 3 days to read through it all. At the time Rob's advice was right on the money. I had "played the game" the wrong way once and lost, so learned from it and knew his advice was right. I was hoping for a positive outcome for Russel. This thread was better than watching a movie and I was always checking it to see how things were turning out. However, once the extent of the drug problem was revealed, all bets were off. A drug user isn't rational so will not respond in a way that a non-user would. A person with that big of a habit doesn't just quit. Unfortunately, what Willow wrote above is what is going to happen. Until she hits rock bottom things will not change. Also, once the money runs out, she will start sleeping with guys in exchange for drugs in order to feed her habit so be prepared for that. She may start stealing your possessions also. If you want to see what she will soon look like, check the "before and after" photos of drug addicts here -http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41787410 and be sure to click "Next" as there are quite a few shocking photos. Rob said he felt you were light years away from a divorce but based on the drug use, I don't see any other option especially with the kids involved. You can see the last couple of pages show more and more people have spoken up about your situation and they no longer think it is something you can save. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 Upadate, My wife turned up at my house 7.40 am Friday morning clearly hadn't been to bed she was coked out of her tits, she was trying to hug me she stanks of booze and cigs, her hair looked matted and her eyes were dead! It's heartbreaking to see someone you love fall to pieces, she kept telling me she is moving back home when her lease is up, but as we all know cocaine is a serious drug and i do believe it;s being mixed with ketamin,so her whole thought process is messed up. The most important thing is i have had me girls 6 nights this week and they are fine! They are oblivious to there being anything wrong. I have offered to take my wife away to another town or city, i have also mentioned rehab! She is not interested! She knows i love her, it;s just a matter of time before i will have the girls full time. Just looking after my girls and me, i'm dog tired as i work in a high pressured job, i am coping. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Keep on keeping on. I feel for you all. The best you can do for your estranged wife now is look after her children well, and advise her that it's okay to ask professionals for help with her problems. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 cocaine is a serious drug and i do believe it;s being mixed with ketamin,so her whole thought process is messed up. . Yep it's a drug millions of people take occasionally. I actually think it's really rare for someone to become properly addicted to it Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 They are oblivious to there being anything wrong. I have offered to take my wife away to another town or city, i have also mentioned rehab! She is not interested! She knows i love her, it;s just a matter of time before i will have the girls full time. Just looking after my girls and me, i'm dog tired as i work in a high pressured job, i am coping. You can't control anything she does. Good for you with the kids an the job, keep working hard but i think you need to play hard too. Get a bit of a social life, it will take your mind of this sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Yep it's a drug millions of people take occasionally. I actually think it's really rare for someone to become properly addicted to it WHOAH! I know some people do take Coke occasionally, but it is also one of the most addictive substances and a LOT of people get addicted to it. In fact did you know Fraud gave his pateients cocaine to get them off of herion believing it would help, but not realising it was an addictive substance! Russell, I am so releived to here that you will be soon having the children full time, I know that is difficult for you, you are essentially now a single dad with a full time job. You will cope, do you have family close by that help, maybe give you a break one night a weekend or have the girls after school for a few hours, gve them their tea once of twice a week? Re your wife, I really hope you are NOT seeing her this weekend? The talk of moving back in when her lease is up, yep, because she can't afford to renew it! Possibly drug talk also. All you can do is keep offering rehab. Have you told her family and friends what she is doing? Now would be a good time I think if not. Link to post Share on other sites
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