marqueemoon4 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Well, I'm sorry you're going through this.. your wife is self destructing, in the end it will work out for you and your kids. Hopefully she gets the help she needs, but in the end you have to let go of her and start moving forward. I know, easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
highviolet Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 I've been following your story and have an honest question, Your wife shows up to pick up your kids after partying all night and still under the influence and there's nothing you can do about that? Isn't that kind of unsafe for the kids? Sorry if this has been addressed before and I missed it, but I would never be able to leave my kids with someone under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Nothing judgmental, just seriously curious if there is not a legal way to prevent her from taking the kids if you know she is on drugs. Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 High V I totally agree with what you said. If my ex turned up like that he would NOT get my son. Why does Russell let her have them at all? Russell, You CAN get the social services involved. Here in the UK you make a referral and they will drop in un announced. If you are totally convinced she is a druggie then there are things you can do. Please do these things, your wife is lost to drugs Take advice from the people here. You have not taken any so far. I wish you all the best but you have to look after those girls now. It has all been me me me, now let it be the girls Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 if there is not a legal way to prevent her from taking the kids if you know she is on drugs. In the UK, it's damn difficult. The law heavily takes the side of the mother usually. My friends wife went even more crazy than Russell's and she still got custody, unbelievable really!! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 All you can do is keep offering rehab. I agree. Going clean has to be a condition she has to meet before anything else happens. She's self-medicating by the sounds of things, but self-medication is hugely ineffective at dealing with the root causes (been there, done that, got the scars to show for it). At this time, your primary concern has to be for your children who have brought none of this on to themselves and are unable to fend for themselves, unlike you and your estranged wife. Happily, caring for yourself is going to make their lives better too. Letting your wife go and do her own thing, giving her a consistent message of what you want will help you, your children and her. If that's "I want you to be clean and to have proof that you are" then keep saying that. It doesn't have to be a condition for anything. It's what you want. Trying to maintain any consistency with someone whose self-medicating is like hugging fog. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 My wife has told her sisters she has a drug problem ( I suppose that’s a start!) When she came over Monday morning she asked me if I wanted to move in with her and us let out our place. This would be a big mistake on my part as she is still clearly in the drug mistShe has been asking questions like am I looking forward to her cooking for me and us being intimate, I have not responded to these as she could change her mind at any moment The most important thing is I haven’t changed or backtracked I’m just focusing on me and my daughters, my house is really coming together with all the amount of decorating I’m doing.Plus fitness levels are great, I plan on having a great weekend in London with some old friends ] Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 The most important thing is I haven’t changed or backtracked I’m just focusing on me and my daughters, my house is really coming together with all the amount of decorating I’m doing.Plus fitness levels are great, I plan on having a great weekend in London with some old friends ] This is excellent, Russell. Praying for you, brother. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 All sounds good to me. Stability is good for all people involved and you appear to be leading the charge in that respect. Take it easy with the big obvious questions and ideas your wife has asked. It's all in the detail not the obvious things. There's healing to be done on all sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 All sounds good to me. Stability is good for all people involved and you appear to be leading the charge in that respect. Take it easy with the big obvious questions and ideas your wife has asked. It's all in the detail not the obvious things. There's healing to be done on all sides. I can't take anything she says seriously, i just get on with my life and making things better! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 you are sounding strong Russell. Continue to ignore her drugged up fantasies. You blow, I mean know, there is only one reason she might temporarily want you around. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I can't take anything she says seriously, i just get on with my life and making things better! Good to hear. Keep giving out clear, easy to understand messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 you are sounding strong Russell. Continue to ignore her drugged up fantasies. You blow, I mean know, there is only one reason she might temporarily want you around. What do you think that is Yas? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 He's mind-reading. Mind-reading doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) What do you think that is Yas? Russell, I apologize for leaving that open ended statement. I appreciate that you may have hoped to find something more pleasant in this response. Based on the previous posts, I meant my open ended statement as retorical. And I will explain my position in detail. I agree with many, including yourself, that are coming to terms with your degree of the problem your wife may face, that brings you here. In fact, it was a somewhat obvious conclusion weeks ago. If she indeed calls for you to come to her or visa versa, in some way, shape, or form she probably will be manipulating you into futher enabling her COKE addition. In the mind, body, and soul of an addict, many times DRUGS take absolute priority over spouses, children, family, friends, food, and shelter. A drug addict may even sell out their morality -- they can steal (even from family), cheat, lie, break any law to get the drugs that they need. A drug addict is capable of prostituting their own body to get drugs. I thought of a couple even more gastly possibiltites, but erased them, because I don't want you to have a panic attack. I recommend you let the grieving process begin, as that photo of the lady you USED to know doesn't exist anymore. Maybe she will come back at some time, there is no reason preventing us from our wishes and prayer, Russell. Just think Russell, folks have checked in on you over 27,000 times! That fact, and your dedicated LS team represent a heck of a lot of energy from this universe. Best Case Scenero IMO I understand you want to turn every stone for a sign of hope. When your wife admits she has a drug problem and asks to enter a drug treatment facility, then completes likely a six month program, you at that time, IMO, have some reason for real hope. I think it's possible the monkey may be on her back for a lifetime, and the drug will always "call her."However, many, many people from all walks of life clean up their act and go on to be productive citizens. And this could very well happen in your wife's case too! But you gotta get real, like NOW! There are meeting groups for family members of drug/narcotic addicts - but I'm not sure what they are known as in the UK. Does anyone know? Would these be good for Russell? Good wishes Russell. Edited March 23, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 What do you think that is Yas? The criptic sarcasm in my earlier response was insensitive and absolutely inexcusable (I blow, I mean, I know). It just occurred to me that you missed it, and I just hate myself writing that. I had my "get with the program" reasons, but I think I was wrong. Please accept my apology and the more thoughtful explanation I am offering above. Again, I am very sorry Russell, Yas :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Yas, You speak such sense! Russell, there is always AL-ANON in the UK for those struggling with their partners abuse of stuff. Give it a try Best wishes Dx Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Yas, Thanks for taking the time out with your great responce! It's true my wife is lost in a cocaine fog! I realise now there is very little I can do for her, I actually come to terms with this , this morning as she came to pick up my little one.it was clear that she had been up all night doing coke, she started accusing me of judging her (Hard not to!) I said I'm not but the girls where up very early and I am tired! She told me I should move on as she cannot deal with anything else besides the coke at the moment! It's a hard and bitter fact that i have lost my wife to drugs and booze! She has also quit college,. I will just continue to take care of myself and my girls as that is all I can do, I have signed up to run the Berlin marathon in September so I'm off for a quick 6 miles, I will get over this! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 My pleasure, and prayers, Russell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 Finally i have put my foot down, i told her i want a proper seperation, no more wishy-washy spending each others weekends with each other! It hurt to do it, if i hadn't this could go on forever Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Your wife is pathetic for allowing that to rule her life. How you even manage to speak to her is ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 That may be just enough to force one of her toes to touch the rock. But you gotta stick to it. It is kind of like shunning. And not a bad idea. As, no matter how lax the system, most people would not want illigal substance on their property or around their children. There was a very good A&E program called "Intervention" some years back. It's actually still available on my cable, and may still be an ongoing program. That is where I learned about addiction. It is real life curcumances, and pretty much shows the addict hitting rock bottom, the difficulty reeling them in, and the addict's reaction when options presented ON THE SPOT. The program may also on DVD, if you have something like Netflex. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 Hey marquee, I have been quiet as i was meant to go LC, but i failed miserably, i saw her this Sunday and after spending a few hours with her i realised that she had changed some much, even the way she speaks, she has a fowl mouth! I also got to see her for the first time in Months without any makeup on and i do believe her lifestyle is taking it's toll on her! Sunday afternoon we went back to her house so i could get my five year old daughters uniform, this was 4.00pm there was a knock on the door it was her druggie freind who had just turned up out of the blue, she was quiet ran upstairs and then went back to the door and he was gone, she told me she owed him some money, i grabbed my daughter and was out of there, my wife-monster offered us a lift but i declined.I can't believe that this guy can just turn up unannounced on a Sunday afternoon. As i walked home with my daughter,it all started to sink in, my wife has gone and is replaced by this thing, i was so sad i basically cried the whole 0.7 miles home. When we got home i took my daughter out to dinner and we had fun, my wife called that evening and asked if i was upset that that guy came round i pretended i wasn't i tried to get of the phone, she asked how our daughter was , i said great we went out for dinner, she went crazy why didn't you ask me i thought you wern't going to go ??? She then asked if we missed her i just said yes, mad my excuses and got of the phone. I haven't hear thing since and this is first time she hasn't tried to contact me im not contacting her either, i think this is the only way forward. This is such a ****ty situation.. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 As i walked home with my daughter,it all started to sink in, my wife has gone and is replaced by this thing, i was so sad i basically cried the whole 0.7 miles home. Try not to cry in front of your kid; it's only going to compound the kid's misery & confusion exponentially if she sees you not pulling it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 Try not to cry in front of your kid; it's only going to compound the kid's misery & confusion exponentially if she sees you not pulling it together. I didn't it was more like tears in your eyes which i blamed on the pollen Link to post Share on other sites
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