Can i save this?

[robf1971]

Ignore everything else, it's just to get a reaction. Please, please do not react

[russell1968]

You need to stand up to her , completely camly and without acting like a jerk. No more chasing moving cars... be forewarned you ain't seen nothing yet.

 

I want to stand up to her after she has just sent all these text messages, i want to write back about having the girls but also tick her off for being so impatient and rude!!

[russell1968]

Ignore everything else, it's just to get a reaction. Please, please do not react

 

Now or make her wait

[robf1971]

Now or make her wait

 

For the kids, right now.

 

Also standing up to someone by text message comes accross as weak and childish , you need to get above that. If she calls you or visits and gets nasty that is the time to stand up.

 

Trust me IGNORE THE OTHER TEXT MESSAGES

[russell1968]

For the kids, right now.

 

Also standing up to someone by text message comes accross as weak and childish , you need to get above that. If she calls you or visits and gets nasty that is the time to stand up.

 

Trust me IGNORE THE OTHER TEXT MESSAGES

 

Done, simple reply i'll take the girls!

[russell1968]

ok , I normally have my girls on Tuesdays and Thursdays but last night i didn't take them as it was just to soon to see her!She goes to college and i think she needs to think about life alone but i do like having them

 

Here are the messages i have recieved so far tonight

 

1. are u having the girls thursday night or do you have another excuse?

I do want to have them but i'm not going to respond straight away!

 

2.Oh sorry r u on a date with a new girl already. dont waste time do ya!

 

3.ok just ignore me c where it gets u..youl lose the girls i never will, have a nice date

 

4.Can you please ket me know so that i can make other arrangements im not trying to **** up your future sy r u mine

 

5. yr just being spitefull and pathetic i didnt and havent intentionally try and hurt u or mess with yr life ureally r something else

 

These where all within a 20 min period, now i do want my girls tomorrow night but i want her to stop and think.

 

How long do i make her wait, before i respond it's only because it's about my girls otherwise i woudnt bother

 

Rob, please she some light on this for me from the point of the first text to the 5th text the time gap was 20 mins, why was there such poison in her texts?

 

Sometimes i leave my phone at home and go running for 2 hours or lets say i left it in the car or the battery died.

 

What is going on with her?She dumped me two days ago

[russell1968]

Rob, please she some light on this for me from the point of the first text to the 5th text the time gap was 20 mins, why was there such poison in her texts?

 

Sometimes i leave my phone at home and go running for 2 hours or lets say i left it in the car or the battery died or i was talking to a freind on the home phone, it's not strange for me to not pick up my phone for 20mins

 

What is going on with her?She dumped me two days ago

[russell1968]

I just got a text back asking is this how it's going to be? (Ignored!)

[robf1971]

Rob, please she some light on this for me from the point of the first text to the 5th text the time gap was 20 mins, why was there such poison in her texts?

 

Sometimes i leave my phone at home and go running for 2 hours or lets say i left it in the car or the battery died or i was talking to a freind on the home phone, it's not strange for me to not pick up my phone for 20mins

 

What is going on with her?She dumped me two days ago

 

This is not for you to worry about. If she has poison in her texts it's her problem. I told you she is trying for the reaction. It's not really a big deal, my first wife did much bigger things than that.

 

eg booking a ticket back home to the USA, "I'm going back for 3 months" She was expecting me to beg her not to go. Instead she could probably see the relief in my face, she tried to cancel the ticket and found it was non refundable £825 down the drain.

 

Or the time she walked out after an argument, packed a bag, took a train to heathrow, tried to get a flight. Calls me at 1am "she's stranded" Like a d*ck I drove out there to get her. On the way back she starts screaming at me again. I remember pulling over on the hard shoulder of the M25 and telling her, talk like that to me again and you can get out here. That shut her up, one of the first times I ever stood up to her.

 

Anyway I digress, these snippy little texts are NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING. Go to the pub, have a pint of real ale, talk to a few boring people, have a game of darts but for heaven's sake take your kids on Thursday.

[russell1968]

 

This is not for you to worry about. If she has poison in her texts it's her problem. I told you she is trying for the reaction. It's not really a big deal, my first wife did much bigger things than that.

 

eg booking a ticket back home to the USA, "I'm going back for 3 months" She was expecting me to beg her not to go. Instead she could probably see the relief in my face, she tried to cancel the ticket and found it was non refundable £825 down the drain.

 

Or the time she walked out after an argument, packed a bag, took a train to heathrow, tried to get a flight. Calls me at 1am "she's stranded" Like a d*ck I drove out there to get her. On the way back she starts screaming at me again. I remember pulling over on the hard shoulder of the M25 and telling her, talk like that to me again and you can get out here. That shut her up, one of the first times I ever stood up to her.

 

Anyway I digress, these snippy little texts are NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING. Go to the pub, have a pint of real ale, talk to a few boring people, have a game of darts but for heaven's sake take your kids on Thursday.

 

I'm definetly having my girls! I was never not going to have them,

 

She sent a text back asking if this was how i'm gonna be now? I ignored it!

 

Im going out running ten miles i think

[What_Next]

Turn your bloody phone off and stop all this silliness for heavens sake.

 

She does not respect you.

She does not respect herself with her actions (drinking, drugs etc).

She does not take her responsilibilites as a mother seriously (she is playing with your kids bud).

 

DO NOT communicate, go out, get a lawyer and start the process.

 

Why are you the last one to realize the Titanic hit the iceberg and is sinking?

[worldgonewrong]

Seriously, man, you have GOT to stop posting HERE every time she

sends you a text.

She's a coked-up manipulative fool, and I feel like I'm going nuts by proxy every time I read a text of hers that you've transcribed.

I keep checking into this thread out of HOPE that you'll keep a sustained 180 regarding her. Please, for your sake, do it. Otherwise, you're going to see sympathy levels drop with every text that you share and try to analyze with us.

 

I hate to be blunt, but I'm saying it because you're making yourself suffer unduly.

 

You need to follow the copious amounts of good advice and stick with it.

Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels.

[russell1968]

Seriously, man, you have GOT to stop posting HERE every time she

sends you a text.

She's a coked-up manipulative fool, and I feel like I'm going nuts by proxy every time I read a text of hers that you've transcribed.

I keep checking into this thread out of HOPE that you'll keep a sustained 180 regarding her. Please, for your sake, do it. Otherwise, you're going to see sympathy levels drop with every text that you share and try to analyze with us.

 

I hate to be blunt, but I'm saying it because you're making yourself suffer unduly.

 

You need to follow the copious amounts of good advice and stick with it.

Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels.

 

I am now! I'm not fooling anymore, she just seems to push the right buttons with me!

[russell1968]

Seriously, man, you have GOT to stop posting HERE every time she

sends you a text.

She's a coked-up manipulative fool, and I feel like I'm going nuts by proxy every time I read a text of hers that you've transcribed.

I keep checking into this thread out of HOPE that you'll keep a sustained 180 regarding her. Please, for your sake, do it. Otherwise, you're going to see sympathy levels drop with every text that you share and try to analyze with us.

 

I hate to be blunt, but I'm saying it because you're making yourself suffer unduly.

 

You need to follow the copious amounts of good advice and stick with it.

Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels.

 

Jack, You are right I am posting way too much and I’m really quite ashamed of myself!

If 6 months ago someone would have told me I would be spending hours on a relationship website trying to get advice on fixing a broken marriage, I would have probably punched them!

 

But the reality is I’m so bloody confused and venting on LS has really helped!

I have had some excellent advice and after reading it i have walked away feeling strong and positive! But she knows how to press my buttons and I find myself going backwards.

 

As it stands she told me she wants things to work out but her heart doesn’t feel the same way!

This was 24n hours after saying she can’t let me go because she loves me and wants to work on it !

I had a legal separation agreement written up by a solicitor, we have both signed this, she has had this for over a month, she has now taking it back without me knowing, I’m somewhat confused and frustrated as she knows the there isn’t a lot I can do without that signed.

 

 

I’m going to commit to the 180 now as I don’t have any other options.!

Once again Jack, I’m sorry if you find my post’s frustrating I’m frustrated with myself!

[Yasuandio]

Russell, I can see that the content in those texts are real button pushers. And all you posters are correct - it's possible she just trying to get a rise out of you, so she then will have the sadistic pleasure of swatting you like a fly.

 

I had a similar situation, where cell phone calls from a particular person seemed to be designed to take me off- guard always, and always caused me confusion.

 

Here's a solution, works on texts as well. Set up parental control on you phone. Here in Us, ATT call it "Smart Limits." It's buck moe a month, and you can block up to 15 numbers. You can also put limits on usage.

 

If there were a true emergency, she can call 911. Or, as an alternative, can you live without the text feature on your phone? If none of these work, you can put a silent ringtone on her call and texts and ignore them, or have a friend screen them (the idea is to break you from focusing so much on them, and stop her from using this medium to manipulate you).

 

I had to tie my hands Russell. When those calls came in, it was extremely tempting - even though I knew I was in for a painful ride, I always picked up. Now, there no ring, no text, no tempting message. I can't dial out and visa-versa! Same with text. Done and done. I should have gotten this feature two years ago. If you can't stop yr self from acting like a kid, get parental controls.

[worldgonewrong]

I’m going to commit to the 180 now as I don’t have any other options.!

Once again Jack, I’m sorry if you find my post’s frustrating I’m frustrated with myself!

 

Russell, seriously, anything I write to you, I say it out of LOVE.

I know you're suffering. And if I could, I'd buy you a beer, sit down and talk with you face-to-face.

 

Here's the thing to keep in mind:

feed off the fact that there are A LOT of suffering people here, and even amidst their suffering, they're all trying to be little pillars of strength to each other. I find that remarkable about this forum -- we're all sadder than hell, and yet still reaching out. I love that!

So join the chain of strength; you could be a strong link to someone here in time. We need you just as much as you need us.

 

OK, my man?

Peace to you.

[robf1971]

Jack, You are right I am posting way too much and I’m really quite ashamed of myself!

If 6 months ago someone would have told me I would be spending hours on a relationship website trying to get advice on fixing a broken marriage, I would have probably punched them!

 

!

 

Actually it's the same for all of us, none of us knew we were gonna get hit by this nuke, none of us saw it coming. It was what could never happen to us.

 

If Russell wants to post here good for him. I for one am perfectly willing to help, I remember the people in real life and on the internet who helped me out when I was heartbroken and broken. Now I'm strong and feel like paying it forward.

[russell1968]

Actually it's the same for all of us, none of us knew we were gonna get hit by this nuke, none of us saw it coming. It was what could never happen to us.

 

If Russell wants to post here good for him. I for one am perfectly willing to help, I remember the people in real life and on the internet who helped me out when I was heartbroken and broken. Now I'm strong and feel like paying it forward.

 

Rob, thanks for all your help and advice without it I would have probably gone insane!

Even now after making some many school boy mistakes you still believe I can turn this around?

I would have certainly thrown in the towel by now if it wasn’t for you!

Normally when someone tells you there heart isn’t init anymore and they can’t’ change the way they feel, that sounds pretty final to me! But as you have said that is just a load of crap, I have no choice now but to play the 180 and execute it perfectly either way it’s worth a real go!

[willowthewisp]

Like I said in a previous post, there is nothing unusual about your posts Russell, we get the anxiety you feel about making a wrong move and reaching out for help as to what to do. If it helps you, that is what this site is for and people will try and help.

 

It doesn't help that your wife is blowing hot and cold, for many of us here it was mostly cold, you might want to read through hopesanddreams story? If you click on her username you should be able to read it all from the begining two years ago. I think it may help you to understand and see that sometimes people really are users. I won't tell her story for her, that's up to her, but her H treated her so badly I could hearldy bear to read it. Listen to her, her opinion and advice to you may just be invaluable if it turns out your wife is the same as her H.

[Yasuandio]

Normally when someone tells you there heart isn’t init anymore and they can’t’ change the way they feel, that sounds pretty final to me! But as you have said that is just a load of crap, I have no choice now but to play the 180 and execute it perfectly either way it’s worth a real go!

 

Don't "play it," believe it, commit to it, and DO IT TO THE LETTER. There's a whole thread going on right now regarding Principle #32, "Don't believe anything you hear.............."

 

I read Weiner-Davis' book yesterday (Divorce Busters). A used copy is very cheap on Amazon. She makes some damn compelling arguments on the reasons taking on the "typical" victim or left spouse role (crying, pleading, questioning - all the stuff in the 180 basically) is almost a gaurentee the situation will not end well. I wish I read this a long time ago. Her book provides insight to reasons WHY these approaches are necessary. I get #32 now that I read the book.

[russell1968]

Do you honestly think there is a way back from this? She told me she wanted things to work out but her heart doesn’t feel that the same! That seemed pretty final to me? Also it’s her weekend and I wouldn’t put it past her to cop if with another bloke as she thinks she has finally ended it? I’m also anger as she sent a text saying its parents evening for my 5 year old daughter and our slot is 4.15 today there is no way I can get out of work with that little amount of notice!!

[robf1971]

Rob, thanks for all your help and advice without it I would have probably gone insane!

Even now after making some many school boy mistakes you still believe I can turn this around?

I would have certainly thrown in the towel by now if it wasn’t for you!

Normally when someone tells you there heart isn’t init anymore and they can’t’ change the way they feel, that sounds pretty final to me! But as you have said that is just a load of crap, I have no choice now but to play the 180 and execute it perfectly either way it’s worth a real go!

 

It has nothing to do with the heart. All that romantic loves stuff is slushy BS. I'm all for women's rights, equal pay etc but the bottom line is nothing has changed. A woman wants a man!! She lost respect for you, there is a good chance you can get that back.

 

You are acting like a child, she cannot be attracted to a child. Please listen to me. My own wife told me this in MC. As it happens I am in position different to you, my W is working on things and wants us to work. If I was in your situation again I would be heeding my own advice totally.

[robf1971]

Do you honestly think there is a way back from this? She told me she wanted things to work out but her heart doesn’t feel that the same! That seemed pretty final to me? Also it’s her weekend and I wouldn’t put it past her to cop if with another bloke as she thinks she has finally ended it? I’m also anger as she sent a text saying its parents evening for my 5 year old daughter and our slot is 4.15 today there is no way I can get out of work with that little amount of notice!!

 

Nothing is guarunteed!!

 

But I wish I could play a recording of what my wife said to me lol, all seemed pretty final. Get my point. I bet your feelings change 50 times a day about your Wife, so do hers about you.

 

Just text back

 

"Wife I had no idea, I can't get out of work, I'm really sorry"

 

Your wife who sits on her arse all day on benefits has no right to comment. If she does it's just out of spite and you need to ignore ok?

[russell1968]

Nothing is guarunteed!!

 

But I wish I could play a recording of what my wife said to me lol, all seemed pretty final. Get my point. I bet your feelings change 50 times a day about your Wife, so do hers about you.

 

Just text back

 

"Wife I had no idea, I can't get out of work, I'm really sorry"

 

Your wife who sits on her arse all day on benefits has no right to comment. If she does it's just out of spite and you need to ignore ok?

 

She sent this back!

I'm really sorry i didnt realise it was this week i only found out yesterday, once again sorry,

I ignored it!

Rob, honestly i'm listening and i'm taking this 100% seriously.

Iv'e started to sleep better, and i'm getting my focus back!

I know i'm annoying !

[Yasuandio]

Russell,

 

You are not annoying. Everyone here understands your pain and confusion. Especially Rob. Heed Rob's advice. Rob sees hope, the kind you want to believe. I see it too.

 

Bottom Line: You must back off to allow you wife to process life without you:

 

Give Uninterupted Reflection Time

 

First-- if you, who wants to preserve the marriage continues to pursue, you become unattracive to the dumper, like a pest (they may actually need some time too reflect, or be alone. Think about how you felt when you thought you were going to have that weekend alone.). Remember, it was their choice.

 

Stop Making Threats

 

Makin threats is just that, making a threat. No unlike an ultimatum. In the long run, you don't want someone back because they came crawling due to your threat. Don't talk about divorce unless you really are going to do it. Scare tactics will get you no where. I think you may have gone a bit overboard with that separation document. To be presented with legal documents is intimidating, no matter where they come from. It's not exactly the road to reconcilation (which is what you want, right?)

 

Do Not Participate in Dumpee's Confusion

 

It was their choice to leave and have some reflective time (or whatever). If they are having second thoughts and/or are confused, that is not your problem. Do not become an active participant in dumpers regret, confusion, or whatever. If dumped person participate in the phone/text/stalk mind games they look WEAK, and easily manipulated, another reason your attractiveness diminishes in the eyes of the dumper. Also since you are always in touch and responding to their games, they lose respect for you, as Rob has told you many times.

 

Let the Dumper Have an Opportunity to Feel the LOSS

 

If you're Johnny on the spot, always there to pick up there pieces, the dumper never gets a chance to miss you, much less experience LOSS. For the dumped that persue (any of the 180s), they live the hurt/pain of the loss everyday. If your dumper is dropping you a crumb here and there, each day can be like starting from day one. Meanwhile the pursuee is moving on, and allowing you to shoulder the loss of the marriage for them.

 

Hope that helps. Read Homer McDonalds free articles on the web. You just gotta chill out. Check out the other sources. There are complex reasons behind all of these strategies.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Yasuandio