Can i save this?

[worldgonewrong]

I read Weiner-Davis' book yesterday (Divorce Busters). A used copy is very cheap on Amazon. She makes some damn compelling arguments on the reasons taking on the "typical" victim or left spouse role (crying, pleading, questioning - all the stuff in the 180 basically) is almost a gaurantee the situation will not end well. I wish I read this a long time ago. Her book provides insight to reasons WHY these approaches are necessary. I get #32 now that I read the book.

 

Yasuandio-

I just ordered this book NOW on Amazon thanks to you!!

I had it overnighted, in fact.

Thank you so much for recommending this.

[russell1968]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Ok, I have had a day where I have endured a bombardment of texts all have been ignored besides the ones regarding my daughter![/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]These texts seem to be coming from someone who has gone insane![/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]These are the texts from her[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]1.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I have a parent evening slot @ 4.10 if you can make it? Me If that’s today I can’ make it![/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]2.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Yes it is! Me I would have loved to but I can’t get out of work![/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]3.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I know u would have I’m sorry I only found out yesterday sorry again! ME IGNORED[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]4.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Do you have school uniforms or do you need anything ,ME I will wash what she has on[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]5.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Fine Lol ME ignored[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]6.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Treat people how you would like to be treated Russ, Be careful ME Ignored[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]7.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]By the way I need my money made out to me in my maiden name ME IGNORED, she is talking about her settlement from the house![/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]8.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Not that I’m going to sign anything anyway in case u haven’t noticed I have taken the agreement back ME Ignored [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]9.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]R u only going to give us 10 pounds child support ME Ignored there was one week a month ago where there was a problem with the standing order[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]10.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I’m just around our house with the girls cause I have to be back up the school very soon ME IGNORED[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Ok she knows I can’t go out tonight as I have the girls, I’m concerned that she is going to come over and confront me! If this happens the last thing I want to do is get involved in a confrontation.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Any advice on this would be great????[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]If she doesn’t she will be around in the morning to pick up my youngest, I intend on doing this on my driveway, I know she will continually ask me what’s wrong and why am I ignoring her![/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I need a really good answer , so please help???[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Apologies to anyone who finds this post tedious and boring, but I’m finally standing up to her[/FONT][/sIZE]

[worldgonewrong]

I’m finally standing up to her

 

I support you 100%.

[russell1968]

Ok, I have had a day where I have endured a bombardment of texts all have been ignored besides the ones regarding my daughter!

 

These texts seem to be coming from someone who has gone insane!

 

These are the texts from her

 

I have a parent evening slot @ 4.10 if you can make it? Me If that’s today I can’ make it!

 

Yes it is! Me I would have loved to but I can’t get out of work!

 

I know u would have I’m sorry I only found out yesterday sorry again! ME Do you have school uniforms or do

you need anything ,ME I will wash what she has onFine Lol ME ignored

 

Treat people how you would like to be treated Russ, Be careful ME Ignored

 

By the way I need my money made out to me in my maiden name ME IGNORED, she is talking about her settlement from the house!

 

Not that I’m going to sign anything anyway in case u haven’t noticed I have taken the agreement back ME Ignored

 

R u only going to give us 10 pounds child support ME Ignored there was one week a month ago where there was a problem with the standing order

 

I’m just around our house with the girls cause I have to be back up the school very soon ME IGNORED

 

 

Ok she knows I can’t go out tonight as I have the girls, I’m concerned that she is going to come over and confront me! If this happens the last thing I want to do is get involved in a confrontation.

Any advice on this would be great????

 

If she doesn’t she will be around in the morning to pick up my youngest, I intend on doing this on my driveway, I know she will continually ask me what’s wrong and why am I ignoring her!

 

I need a really good answer , so please help???

 

Apologies to anyone who finds this post tedious and boring, but I’m finally standing up to her

[Yasuandio]

I hope it is useful to you Worldgonewrong. That's where I got the newest stuff I posted to Russell. I'm expecting another of her books soon.

[robf1971]

Ok, I have had a day where I have endured a bombardment of texts all have been ignored besides the ones regarding my daughter!

 

These texts seem to be coming from someone who has gone insane!

 

These are the texts from her

 

I have a parent evening slot @ 4.10 if you can make it? Me If that’s today I can’ make it!

 

Yes it is! Me I would have loved to but I can’t get out of work!

 

I know u would have I’m sorry I only found out yesterday sorry again! ME Do you have school uniforms or do

you need anything ,ME I will wash what she has onFine Lol ME ignored

 

Treat people how you would like to be treated Russ, Be careful ME Ignored

 

By the way I need my money made out to me in my maiden name ME IGNORED, she is talking about her settlement from the house!

 

Not that I’m going to sign anything anyway in case u haven’t noticed I have taken the agreement back ME Ignored

 

R u only going to give us 10 pounds child support ME Ignored there was one week a month ago where there was a problem with the standing order

 

I’m just around our house with the girls cause I have to be back up the school very soon ME IGNORED

 

 

Ok she knows I can’t go out tonight as I have the girls, I’m concerned that she is going to come over and confront me! If this happens the last thing I want to do is get involved in a confrontation.

Any advice on this would be great????

 

If she doesn’t she will be around in the morning to pick up my youngest, I intend on doing this on my driveway, I know she will continually ask me what’s wrong and why am I ignoring her!

 

I need a really good answer , so please help???

 

Apologies to anyone who finds this post tedious and boring, but I’m finally standing up to her

 

Testing my friend, I've heard the same lines before,

 

I'm just waiting for the

 

"This isn't like you Russ, who have you been speaking to line"

[russell1968]

Testing my friend, I've heard the same lines before,

 

I'm just waiting for the

 

"This isn't like you Russ, who have you been speaking to line"

\

 

Rob, how about the hand over in the morning?

 

What do i say and do ? Without being a dick

[robf1971]

that she is going to come over and confront me!

 

Ohh that she will lol

 

But you have it in you to stop it becoming a confrontation, it takes 2 to tango. Don't let it get to that level and you will pass her test.

 

Calmly is key, if she insists on coming around, then be nice, sit her down, listen to her, she has a right to be heard by you.

 

Bit of validation needed to

 

"Russell you've been a crap husband"

 

You say "I can see how you might feel that way"

 

Validation is acknowledging her feelings without necessarily agreeing, it take her ammunition away for a row. She knows something like that is a button she can push. Take that away from her.

 

"Russell, how much child support will you give me?"

 

You say

 

That is for the lawyers to decide in order to be fair to the both of us"

 

 

"Russell I want to get back together"

 

You " I need a few days to think about this"

 

See it as a test you need to pass. She needs a man, you need to step up to the plate

[russell1968]

Ohh that she will lol

 

But you have it in you to stop it becoming a confrontation, it takes 2 to tango. Don't let it get to that level and you will pass her test.

 

Calmly is key, if she insists on coming around, then be nice, sit her down, listen to her, she has a right to be heard by you.

 

Bit of validation needed to

 

"Russell you've been a crap husband"

 

You say "I can see how you might feel that way"

 

Validation is acknowledging her feelings without necessarily agreeing, it take her ammunition away for a row. She knows something like that is a button she can push. Take that away from her.

 

"Russell, how much child support will you give me?"

 

You say

 

That is for the lawyers to decide in order to be fair to the both of us"

 

 

"Russell I want to get back together"

 

You " I need a few days to think about this"

 

See it as a test you need to pass. She needs a man, you need to step up to the plate

 

I think first off it will be why are you ignoring all my messages ?

 

How i respond to this is very important, any suggestions will be welcome?

 

TOnight i have arranged for a babysitter so if she come over i won't be here.

 

But i will just pass my daughter to her on the drive, i don't wanto be a dick, but she will ask again why i have been ignoring her?

[robf1971]

I think first off it will be why are you ignoring all my messages ?

 

" Wife, I love talking to you, but I've been very busy"

[optimisticgirl]

Hi russ I've been reading your story! Not that I've ever been married.

 

If you are worried about her coming over,I would just go somewhere with your girls tonight. A fun kids place for dinner that they've never been to? A kids movie? Take them out - your wife will go nuts looking for you if she does try to stop by. AND - if you don't actually go somewhere...you won't be able to relax tonight, you'll just be looking out the window for her car...worried that she's coming.

 

Obviously...she may still come over after the kids are in bed...but just keep them out for as long as you can. Have them fall asleep on the way home and put them quietly in bed.

 

She'll probably say something nasty like "oh, did you take them to meet your new girlfriend"

 

Or she'll be a creep and be waiting at home for you!

 

Which you then say..."wife, we're all tired...would you just go home, so i can go to bed and the girls can go to bed. stop using them to get to me."

 

and then...even if she starts yelling at you. which she will...

 

just go to your bedroom. shut the door. lock the door if you can. and go.to.sleep.

[russell1968]

" Wife, I love talking to you, but I've been very busy"

 

She's not going to buy that! But i bet thats just part of it?

[russell1968]

Hi russ I've been reading your story! Not that I've ever been married.

 

If you are worried about her coming over,I would just go somewhere with your girls tonight. A fun kids place for dinner that they've never been to? A kids movie? Take them out - your wife will go nuts looking for you if she does try to stop by. AND - if you don't actually go somewhere...you won't be able to relax tonight, you'll just be looking out the window for her car...worried that she's coming.

 

Obviously...she may still come over after the kids are in bed...but just keep them out for as long as you can. Have them fall asleep on the way home and put them quietly in bed.

 

She'll probably say something nasty like "oh, did you take them to meet your new girlfriend"

 

Or she'll be a creep and be waiting at home for you!

 

Which you then say..."wife, we're all tired...would you just go home, so i can go to bed and the girls can go to bed. stop using them to get to me."

 

and then...even if she starts yelling at you. which she will...

 

just go to your bedroom. shut the door. lock the door if you can. and go.to.sleep.

 

I have a babysitter now so that will be ok for tonight!

 

The hand over in the morning i'm worried about!

[Yasuandio]

Russell,

Why don't you take the kids out for the evening. They must have those weird entertainment places for children in the UK. We have some obnoxious thing kid's are crazy over called "Chucky Cheese." It's like a total fantasyland. Then there is always the play area at McDonalds, and Happy Meals - you could kill prime time there. Or, a movie.

 

Ok. Here is a great response when you are accused of something, put down or criticized in some way:

 

"Believe what you want to believe." (i.e., you have effectively just left them speechless.)

 

Sometimes I change it around like, "if you need to believe that, you have a right to believe that." OR "sometimes people have to believe what they want to believe."You get the drift. The idea is to stop petty arguements in their tracks.

 

Another technique you might employ is called the BROKEN RECORD. For instancehere are possible scenerios: You may be asking a question, trying to get information, or some other normal response, you may be trying to deliver information, etc. You find subject deflects conversation to at best, irrevent topics, and at worse, yells/screams/makes stupid aligations. Here is a solution you might try: in a soft calm, monotone voice, continue responding to subject's "irregular response or rant" with a simplfied version of the info you need to get across like a broken record. Do not change a word. No matter what they say, or call you, or accuse you of continue the broken record statement.

 

Example:

 

BROKEN RECORD: "you will not bring illegal substances into this house."SUBJECT: "but I've done it before and you didn't care, and you never can make up your mind. And, BTW, do you recall how you weren't there for me a few years back? That's why I need this coke because of you. BROKEN RECORD: "you will not bring illegal substance into this house.". SUBJECT: I hate you. You're a loser and a #%£¥<~! I should just listen to you because you know everything?

 

Continue this untill subject runs out of steam. Works great on kids to. However most effective when there's a consequence attached. The bottom line of this technique is that YOU are in Total CONTROL, and it eventially becomes clear to subject that they cannot manipulate you. Practice makes perfect!

[optimisticgirl]

For the switch off in the morning....

 

Just give the kids to her...And have someone set up to call your cell phone, or set the alarm on it and say "ah - gotta go wife. I'll catch ya later"

 

I know its silly...bu you can look at it like this - its technology. utilize it. Utilize it to make you more of a man.

[robf1971]

For the switch off in the morning....

 

Just give the kids to her...And have someone set up to call your cell phone, or set the alarm on it and say "ah - gotta go wife. I'll catch ya later"

 

I know its silly...bu you can look at it like this - its technology. utilize it. Utilize it to make you more of a man.

 

Fantastic idea!! or if your really confident just pretend to be on a conversation. If you can carry that off?

[Yasuandio]

Here are the children like we agreed, I have to leave now.

 

Here are the children like we agreed, I have to leave now.

 

Here are the children like we agreed, I have to leave now.

 

And/Or

 

I have to leave now.

 

I have to leave now.

 

I have to leave now.

[optimisticgirl]

No offense but I think as confident as you are she'll somehow say something that you can't just IGNORE like you do the texts.

 

You can ignore the texts because she isn't in your face.

 

Do the call thing, utilize technology.

[russell1968]

No offense but I think as confident as you are she'll somehow say something that you can't just IGNORE like you do the texts.

 

You can ignore the texts because she isn't in your face.

 

Do the call thing, utilize technology.

 

Ok, how about this 7.45am send her a SMS saying that I have just been called into work early sorry can u pick up the girls from the baby sitter in 30 mind? Sorry but it's important!

 

ALso I need to work L8 so could u please drop the girls @ my house with car seat and pushchair, I will get baby sitter to stay until I get home!

Take care, have a great weekend c u Monday

 

the above reasonable as I have taken on 3 peoples jobs at work

that way I split 4 London early Saturday and avoid her all weekend??

[Yasuandio]

There is an App for your phone that you can program to have various people call you whenever you want. Their caller ID and special image and ringtone can be programed in as well. I think it's called "Fake Call."

 

There is another that creates a particular atmosphere of noise in the backgroound during the call. Bar, store, club, street noise, etc. You can even create and record your own background sound.

[optimisticgirl]

Now you are thinking Russ!

 

Do all of the above.

 

1. It will make her realize what it is actually like to not have you in her life. I'm guessing that she is using you as the only "constant" in her life. Everything else seems out of control. The only "constant" she has is YOU.

 

2. It will help YOU realize that YOU can control what YOU are doing without HER approval. Case in point, you are the man.

 

Put her in her effing place.

 

What ever you decide...whether is be the babysitter thing or the fake phone call thing I think it will be okay.

 

Be prepared to have the fake phone call thing ready. As she may just come EARLIER to try to see you.

[optimisticgirl]

Oh..

 

and leave the part about "take care see you monday" out

 

it comes off as snarky and HAHA SEE YA MONDAY BIATCH

 

if you want to come across as snarky..go for it. (snarky is OK in this, i just don't think its what you are going for.)

 

You don't need to tell her you'll see her Monday, she knows.

[russell1968]

Oh..

 

and leave the part about "take care see you monday" out

 

it comes off as snarky and HAHA SEE YA MONDAY BIATCH

 

if you want to come across as snarky..go for it. (snarky is OK in this, i just don't think its what you are going for.)

 

You don't need to tell her you'll see her Monday, she knows.

 

Ok, that's my plan, it will piss her off!

As we speak, she has just asked if the girls are ok I did respond as it's unfair if she's concerned over the children, even though she isn't! She really is something else!

[What_Next]

You had better hope she doesn't find out about this place.

 

Honestly, I still think a lot of this back and forth is childish.

 

Why are you so stressed out about it? Ignore the bloody texts, don't play the silly childish games. Care for your children, insulate them from this B/S.

 

Limit any and ALL communication with your wife. No offense but I think she is losing her marbles all together.

 

Talk about the children only, NOTHING else. Stand up, tall, walk proudly. If she gets "wind" or thinks you might have found a new "friend" then so be it.

[russell1968]

You had better hope she doesn't find out about this place.

 

Honestly, I still think a lot of this back and forth is childish.

 

Why are you so stressed out about it? Ignore the bloody texts, don't play the silly childish games. Care for your children, insulate them from this B/S.

 

Limit any and ALL communication with your wife. No offense but I think she is losing her marbles all together.

 

Talk about the children only, NOTHING else. Stand up, tall, walk proudly. If she gets "wind" or thinks you might have found a new "friend" then so be it.

 

The only current communication is about yhs kids I will not respond to anything else!