NoneTheWiser Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I wouldn’t classify you as an idiot, no way! I would say you have unconditional love for your wife and the mother of your children, which I believe more man truly need. If your wife does have this drug habit, then help her get over it. Do it for both your children, do it for her. She clearly is in no state of mind to help herself. Do you believe that this habit started before your separation or afterwards as it could have been the cause for the separation? Regardless of when it started, she needs you and is attempting to reach out. If you take the easy way and simple walk away and ignore her, she can and properly will continue on with this habit I have read your posts, you love your wife. I don’t believe you could live with yourself knowing you didn’t do everything humanly possible to help her. My advice would be to stop the game playing of NC it is only hurting her more, tell her she is coming home with you, get her into some type of treatment program for the drug problem and start going to MC. Tell her you love her, you forgive her and that you will stick by her side through this. I wish you the best, God Bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Seconded! Nonethewiser that is an excellent strightforward suggestion. Rarely does substance abuse just go away, my guess the abuse becomes more habitual and problematic under stressful conditions, and over time. Some of the strategies such as NC and 180 are specifically designed to induce some stress on the other party, so that they too may FEEL the loss they've subjected they're partner to. And indeed the strategies rattle the cages of many if the dumped spouse holds firm. I see the techniques working somestimes in this case, but I'm concerned with the level of response Russell receives. Typically, the response recieved is more than Russell bargains for. This may be due to the unpredictability of her state of mind (i.e., the amount and quality of the street coke and weed, mixed with alchohol). Jacking her around with relationship stratigies when she's in a drug fog may be useless. Please consider Nonethewiser's proposal. You would never ever forgive youself if lost her to an OD, or a car accident. At least consider trying the idea before her drug habit becomes so bad you cannot reach her. Just another POV, trying to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 I wouldn’t classify you as an idiot, no way! I would say you have unconditional love for your wife and the mother of your children, which I believe more man truly need. If your wife does have this drug habit, then help her get over it. Do it for both your children, do it for her. She clearly is in no state of mind to help herself. Do you believe that this habit started before your separation or afterwards as it could have been the cause for the separation? Regardless of when it started, she needs you and is attempting to reach out. If you take the easy way and simple walk away and ignore her, she can and properly will continue on with this habit I have read your posts, you love your wife. I don’t believe you could live with yourself knowing you didn’t do everything humanly possible to help her. My advice would be to stop the game playing of NC it is only hurting her more, tell her she is coming home with you, get her into some type of treatment program for the drug problem and start going to MC. Tell her you love her, you forgive her and that you will stick by her side through this. I wish you the best, God Bless. She asked to to come around and bathe the kids i said yes.When she got here i asked how she was she said fine much better than that earlier, i then asked if she carried on doing coke after she left me last nightShe said yes,So i then said so you where 500feet away from out house snorting coke with a dealer, while i was at home worrying about you! She said yes! who are you my dad! As long as i;m not sleeping with anyone it's not your buisness and then she started to get really aggressive, she then took my youngest up for a bath, i then went upstairs i looked at her and thought to myself this is not the women i fell in love with! I told her i can;t do this anymore it;s like chasing a ghost! I said you give me nothing and your not willing to work at this marriage at all, she said people shoudnt have to ! At this point i just cant take it anymore, i asked her to leave! We carried on arguing on the phone, she basically told me i was a crap husband and she didnt move the kids out of the family home as a joke! She said she woudnt sign the seperation agreement or give me a divorce until she is ready, i said this is unfair as it stops me fom moving on! She is so far gone with the drugs and booze! I'm so hurt and busted up over this, i cant continue like this! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Now that she's hooked, she will be defensive about her dependency. Don't throw in the towel yet. Handling a substance abuser is a totally different animal, and you need professional help. At the very least, the "alanon" equivelent of AA as a first step. As you know, sometimes you have to allow addicts to hit rock bottom before they accept help (sort of a tough love approach, cutting of the money, enabling, etc.). With children invollved, I certainly hope that is not the case here. Rather than asking questions that you already know the answer to, I propose "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Could you do this without any acusations or judgental tone? Afterall, she has been basically honest about the drug problem (that's huge). Maybe other LS folks can help here. I am trying to come up with statements Russell can make from the heart - that will touch his wife rather than make her defensive, such as: 1. Honey, I know you are suffering. Please, I am your Husband and I. Want to help you. 2. We can get through this together. I am here for you. Take my hand. 3. I did not realize the pressures you were carrying. I am going to man up and get our family through this. Right now, your Health and happiness at my top priority. 4. Let's get you a warm bath, and into some pajamas, while I get the kids down. Give her a loving (nothing sexual) massage and dinner and put her to bed. Take care of her like she's in a hosipital. 5. I will hold you all day and all night if necessary. If you feel an urge for the drugs that we cannot manage we will get help. I promise you honey, I understand now, and I am not leaving your sight. Those are the kind of words I'd like to hear if I were in that mess. You may have to try it over and over, but you will know you gave it your best shot. It could be too little too late for now, if the substance has really taken hold. But, there's hope later, when she hits rock bottom. See what everyone else says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Now that she's hooked, she will be defensive about her dependency. Don't throw in the towel yet. Handling a substance abuser is a totally different animal, and you need professional help. At the very least, the "alanon" equivelent of AA as a first step. As you know, sometimes you have to allow addicts to hit rock bottom before they accept help (sort of a tough love approach, cutting of the money, enabling, etc.). With children invollved, I certainly hope that is not the case here. Rather than asking questions that you already know the answer to, I propose "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Could you do this without any acusations or judgental tone? Afterall, she has been basically honest about the drug problem (that's huge). Maybe other LS folks can help here. I am trying to come up with statements Russell can make from the heart - that will touch his wife rather than make her defensive, such as: 1. Honey, I know you are suffering. Please, I am your Husband and I. Want to help you. 2. We can get through this together. I am here for you. Take my hand. 3. I did not realize the pressures you were carrying. I am going to man up and get our family through this. Right now, your Health and happiness at my top priority. 4. Let's get you a warm bath, and into some pajamas, while I get the kids down. Give her a loving (nothing sexual) massage and dinner and put her to bed. Take care of her like she's in a hosipital. 5. I will hold you all day and all night if necessary. If you feel an urge for the drugs that we cannot manage we will get help. I promise you honey, I understand now, and I am not leaving your sight. Those are the kind of words I'd like to hear if I were in that mess. You may have to try it over and over, but you will know you gave it your best shot. It could be too little too late for now, if the substance has really taken hold. But, there's hope later, when she hits rock bottom. See what everyone else says. I think i have tried everything i can, i have pleaded with her, given her ultimatums, ignored her.But whatever i do she just throws it in my face! She has the kids now for 10 days and i ahve asked her not to contact me? It will be hard not seeing the the girls, but if i'm ever going to start to mend i need this time. I don't like to think of myself as a giver upper i'm not. But it's a hard fact to accept that on Friday night i was sat at home with my heartbreaking while my wife was 400 metres down the the road snorting coke with her dealer! There has been so many lies from her and the trust has gone!Even last night i was trying to reason with her, but within 24 hours she has gone from wanting to go to MC with me, to then telling me she doesnt think marriage is something you work out! I did push her last night but i'm sorry i did! i needed to know what the hell is going on with this Women! As it stands she told me she said she is willing to let me out of her life forever! She won't sign the seperation agreement and give me a divorce until she says-she's ready! I have asked her not to contact me for the next week i hope she misses me? I'm sending her a letter of intent from my solicitor this will tell her too seak legal advice as divorce proccedings are coming!( I don't want this !) But i don't fancy living in hell anyway. I honestly don't understand why she is this way? We have a huge house two fantastic daughters and we could have a great future. I have tried everything but i feel the battle may be lost! i have lost out to drugs and booze Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Life is never easy, but the path to a clear reconciliation and the restoration of your family is littered with issues that are out of your control. Please don't take this as criticism, but it hardly matters at all how you feel about her; that only affects your involvement. Until she comes clean and states that she WANTS to be married to you and that she WANTS to be free of drugs, no amount of love, NC, or any other mind game is going to help. Even then, her actions must back up her words, or they are useless. Only she can do this. Only she can fix her. How can you know what it is she really desires? She may not know herself. It's probably time to inform family and friends, then move back to caring for yourself and your children. She is a mess. very true, i tried the hard love last night i told her she would loose me for ever and she coudn't care less!! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I think i have tried everything i can, i have pleaded with her, given her ultimatums, ignored her.But whatever i do she just throws it in my face! She has the kids now for 10 days and i ahve asked her not to contact me? It will be hard not seeing the the girls, but if i'm ever going to start to mend i need this time. I don't like to think of myself as a giver upper i'm not. But it's a hard fact to accept that on Friday night i was sat at home with my heartbreaking while my wife was 400 metres down the the road snorting coke with her dealer! There has been so many lies from her and the trust has gone!Even last night i was trying to reason with her, but within 24 hours she has gone from wanting to go to MC with me, to then telling me she doesnt think marriage is something you work out! I did push her last night but i'm sorry i did! i needed to know what the hell is going on with this Women! As it stands she told me she said she is willing to let me out of her life forever! She won't sign the seperation agreement and give me a divorce until she says-she's ready! I have asked her not to contact me for the next week i hope she misses me? I'm sending her a letter of intent from my solicitor this will tell her too seak legal advice as divorce proccedings are coming!( I don't want this !) But i don't fancy living in hell anyway. I honestly don't understand why she is this way? We have a huge house two fantastic daughters and we could have a great future. I have tried everything but i feel the battle may be lost! i have lost out to drugs and booze You are letting yourself be a victim Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 i told her she would loose me for ever and she coudn't care less!! She doesn't believe you, because your actions say different Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I have missedd you recently and wanted to give it another go but you reminded me y i left! Script man, been there seen that brought the t shirt Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I sent the text at 7.45, she went crazy and within 10 mins she was in my hall way calling me every under the son, I told her I have all the time in the world for her, but if she is going to be like this I’m not interested!! I then walked into the kitchen and she slammed the door on my so hard it knocked all the air out of my lungs! I asked her politely to take Dee and leave my house she said **** you it’s my house as well, then she did leave after shouting at me in the street and kicking my car! And telling me she was going to take the house the car and everything! I got one of the most poisonous messages I have ever received and a toxic voicemail, at this point I was shaking a couldn’t believe that this was happening, but I help it together, Out of the blue I got this message I need to know if that’s it for us then. I ignored it as I’m always doing Then I have been asked out on a date next weekend so I need to know is there any hope for us anymore? WTF Rob , do I respond she has been completely mental I told you to expect ANYTHING! the ultimatum you gave her was like Saddam Hussein invading Kuwait. A big explosion Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I found out that my wife has £250-£300 per week cocaine habit! Ok, I don't have a problem with occasional recreational use, not that I do it myself or anything. But she's got problems man. Sadly because you share kids together her problem is your problem. You can't make her get help, but she needs it. I think she's gonna have to hit rock bottom on her own Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 , She told me she would go to marriage councilling I can't see much point? I can.. it's a start, and could be a stepping stone to her getting off drugs Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 She asked to to come around and bathe the kids i said yes.When she got here i asked how she was she said fine much better than that earlier, i then asked if she carried on doing coke after she left me last nightShe said yes,So i then said so you where 500feet away from out house snorting coke with a dealer, while i was at home worrying about you! She said yes! who are you my dad! As long as i;m not sleeping with anyone it's not your buisness and then she started to get really aggressive, she then took my youngest up for a bath, i then went upstairs i looked at her and thought to myself this is not the women i fell in love with! I told her i can;t do this anymore it;s like chasing a ghost! I said you give me nothing and your not willing to work at this marriage at all, she said people shoudnt have to ! At this point i just cant take it anymore, i asked her to leave! We carried on arguing on the phone, she basically told me i was a crap husband and she didnt move the kids out of the family home as a joke! She said she woudnt sign the seperation agreement or give me a divorce until she is ready, i said this is unfair as it stops me fom moving on! She is so far gone with the drugs and booze! I'm so hurt and busted up over this, i cant continue like this! Man up, all the stuff she is saying means nothing. Probably the Coke talking Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Man up, all the stuff she is saying means nothing. Probably the Coke talking Rob, she is spending £250.00 a week on coke! She went from wanting to go to councilling, to never wanting to be with me again! Now i can't make someone get off drugs! WTF IS going on? i you where me what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 I can.. it's a start, and could be a stepping stone to her getting off drugs She changed her mind the next day! i;m too controlling, she had the cheek to as why i followd her down the road, Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Man up, all the stuff she is saying means nothing. Probably the Coke talking She was not anything when we spoke but i guess it doesnt leave your system that quick! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Ok, I don't have a problem with occasional recreational use, not that I do it myself or anything. But she's got problems man. Sadly because you share kids together her problem is your problem. You can't make her get help, but she needs it. I think she's gonna have to hit rock bottom on her own I'm at a loss! i don't have to see or speak to her for a week or so! I don't know what else to do? I think all i can do is step out of the situation Link to post Share on other sites
sammyd Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Jeez Russell, nothing's ever easy eh?! If i were you, i'd be worried about leaving the kids with her. You now have a different dilemma to decide. Whether you still want to try and make this work with an addict. Totally different ball game in my opinion. Not sure i could go through with it unless she shows some willing on her side. That would explain her bizarre behaviour i guess though. At least you have a reason for it. Link to post Share on other sites
sammyd Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I'd use this time on your own to seriously consider the situation. Don't contact her. You need to clear your head. You'll probably find you won't be able to think straight for a couple of days at least, but you HAVE to use this time to work out what you want. Stop falling into the same trap every time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 I'd use this time on your own to seriously consider the situation. Don't contact her. You need to clear your head. You'll probably find you won't be able to think straight for a couple of days at least, but you HAVE to use this time to work out what you want. Stop falling into the same trap every time. Hey Sam, I should have guessed it sooner! It's the way she can lie directly to my face that is really worrying! She coud have been copping off with guys left right and center! I hope next week when she has all week with the girls it will ake her wake up. I can't think of anything more depressing than sticking cocaine upo my noise and the whole underworld scene that is attached to it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 You are letting yourself be a victim Why do you think that Rob? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Hey Sam, I should have guessed it sooner! It's the way she can lie directly to my face that is really worrying! She coud have been copping off with guys left right and center! I hope next week when she has all week with the girls it will ake her wake up. I can't think of anything more depressing than sticking cocaine upo my noise and the whole underworld scene that is attached to it! Ok what if one of your kids got hooked on drugs in the future? would you abandon them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Ok what if one of your kids got hooked on drugs in the future? would you abandon them? No way! Would i Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Ok Rob, how would you deal with this? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 very true, i tried the hard love last night i told her she would loose me for ever and she coudn't care less!! Russell I'm sorry to say that she is in love with Coke and her dealer at the moment,nothing else matters to her. Or if it does it's a second priority. In my opinion, here's what you need to Consider doing. 1 Consult your lawyer with a view to see if you can get temp full custody it's a risk for them to be around scum like that. Getting full custody MAY shock her into stopping it. Please do not tell her you are doing this, just do it!! Actions loder than words 2. Call the police, inform them about this "dealer" anonymously. Only actions can stop her now, your words are as effective as a chocolate teapot. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts