betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 So every time you meet your estranged wife you get upset. I used to get very upset meeting my ex. She used sex as a weapon. She'd tell me about dates she'd be going on, and chat up other men in front of me, pointedly, to try and get a reaction from me. In a way, I liked the way it cauterised the wounds; I could feel myself physically disconnecting from her each time. Each little wound, each slight, each puerile attempt at manipulation, they all just helped to get me through to the golden goal of total indifference. The tears were the hardest thing to deal with, but when someone pleads with tears one minute then uses sex as a weapon the next, the best defence I have is to close that opening I gave them to my inner life, that tender spot that they keep prodding around for. So maybe you're going through the same. You'll eventually think to yourself, "I don't deserve this, the kids don't deserve this" and not care about this person who once had the fortune to share some of your journey with you. You'll get through the anger, the hate, the fear, and see her as just another person in the world. One who you, by necessity of raising your true loves - your children - you will meet on occasion. But she'll be a traffic warden, a council tax officer, an inconvenient piece of red tape between you and your children's happiness. She sure isn't in any fit state to have the honour of sharing your bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 So every time you meet your estranged wife you get upset. I used to get very upset meeting my ex. She used sex as a weapon. She'd tell me about dates she'd be going on, and chat up other men in front of me, pointedly, to try and get a reaction from me. In a way, I liked the way it cauterised the wounds; I could feel myself physically disconnecting from her each time. Each little wound, each slight, each puerile attempt at manipulation, they all just helped to get me through to the golden goal of total indifference. The tears were the hardest thing to deal with, but when someone pleads with tears one minute then uses sex as a weapon the next, the best defence I have is to close that opening I gave them to my inner life, that tender spot that they keep prodding around for. So maybe you're going through the same. You'll eventually think to yourself, "I don't deserve this, the kids don't deserve this" and not care about this person who once had the fortune to share some of your journey with you. You'll get through the anger, the hate, the fear, and see her as just another person in the world. One who you, by necessity of raising your true loves - your children - you will meet on occasion. But she'll be a traffic warden, a council tax officer, an inconvenient piece of red tape between you and your children's happiness. She sure isn't in any fit state to have the honour of sharing your bed. Thanks betterdeal, I have tried hard but you are right she is not he person i fell in love with. I miss her! But not who she is now! It's weird after she called me on Sunday night and i was very brief and vague with her and was clearly upset over this guy coming over, i haven't heard from her and this feels weird, it must just be part of letting go?? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 stop pretending you are not mad. simply tell her you find her behavior unacceptable and don't wish to discuss it further with her because she's not the person she used to be. any tie or energy spent engaging in a conversation with her is wasted - because you are only talking to the drug... not the person. pretending like it's all ok-gives her the idea that she can continue on the same path without people getting mad at her behavior. get mad! tell her your truth! tell her she has ruined lives with her choices and you don't intend to watch it - much less put your kids at risk by having them be with her. stop talking to her... there's no reason to - as you are only speaking to her active disease... and know that the woman you once knew is long gone... at least for a while - and at least until she tests clean for 6-12 months. stop allowing her to have your children. it's very risky... and she hasn't earned being trusted to be with the kids. she's putting them in harms way and you allow it every time she takes them. giving her consequences for her bad behavior could make her motivated to change... but doing nothing but keeping her life moving along as if nothing has happened will encourage more of her bad behavior - and put your girls in harms way. tell her she can't see them unless she tests clean on a drug test. that is a good boundary to keep. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) I would try not to leave children any where near access to a drug dealer. Clearly the pusher KNOWS WHERE SHE LIVES. I find that event the most alarming thus far. Now her drug habit costs more than what she can pay. Already, it may be possible, the girls have done without some necessitites. It is just come to the limit now. I think a similiar scenerio may have predicted some time ago, Russell. I'll venture a prediction of what is going to happen next, and the risks involved (while you contemplate on her skin tone and potty-mouth). Probable Scenerio #1 One of these days, very soon, the "knock on the door" will morph into some thug knocking the door down. Will your girls be there when that happens? Probable Scenerio #2 Very soon, she will be hitting you up for the snow dough. When you stop funding her, the next agena item is likely drug-dealing and/or some form of prostitution. Look at it like this. If you fund her and provide for her, during that period of time, her adiction is becoming that more enstrenched. Therefore, you may be playing a role in causing her to become even more dependent on the drug. Probable Scenerio #3 Perhaps some coke she recives is not up to snuff, and she gets pist? Or, suppose she might get short changed by the dealer and returns to confront him. Or, simply, a disagreement about a business transaction. At some point, she is going to run her drugged-up potty mouth to the wrong person, and gets the tar kicked out of her, robbed, and maybe even raped. I hope your kids are not waiting in the car in the event something like this happens to occur. The Classic Pattern No psychic abilities needed here. This is the classic pattern. Drug addicts run out of money. Then they hit friends and family up for money. Then the get drugs on credit. Then they can't pay. Then the pushed comes after them. Then they make unsavory deals. If they get cocky, they get the crap kicked out of them. Then they find new creative ways to get money for habit (dealing, stealing, prostitution, etc.). Then they really start losing it. Sometimes get caught, end up in jail or prison, end up living on the street, perhaps move up to injecting cheaper stronger drugs like meth or crack, overdose, or die, and/or disappear. What Can You Do? What Will You Do? I realize this sounds brutal, Russell. It is the reality. You heard the drug dealer knocking at the door. You already saw she was afraid of dealer. Someone has got to point this out to you right now. She is already on this road. I have no idea how you can protect the children in your country. But you must do something NOW to get these kids out of her control. Do you have a social services you could visit like NOW? Edited March 29, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 I tell you what, man: if you don't take a bigger stand, the next thing that's going to happen is this -- she's going to O.D., and she'll do it in front of the kids. And THEN, you'll have a monumental mess on your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) To the very best of my knowledge, she is just snorting coke, I told her if she ever- ever does that when my babys are at home with her, she will see a side to me that she thought never existed. This guy who knocked round her house is her so called freind! He is the guy she does drugs with and whatever else with! As I was driving home tonight I saw her car parked outside his house he has daughters the same age as mine, she knew I would see her car and she knew I was pissed at him knocking round on Sunday, she just doesn't care!!! I got changed and went for a 8 mile run, I realize now that my wife and I live in diffrent worlds, she is into self destruction I'm into self improvement Edited March 29, 2011 by russell1968 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 As I was driving home tonight I saw her car parked outside his house Remember to document everything. Also you need to report your concerns to the police. I know the law in the UK is toothless on this but if you report it and something does happen or it comes to a custody battle it will help you. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 To the very best of my knowledge, she is just snorting coke OK, phew, "just snorting coke". You have her word that it's "just coke", right? Good, good. Wait - WHAT?! Drug addicts are notorious liars. You don't know if she's cutting it with anything else. You don't know if she would accidentally have it cut with anything else. Also, if she wants a fix, she's gonna get it when she damn well wants it, regardless of whether the kids are with her or not. I think you're being incredibly naive in this respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 OK, phew, "just snorting coke". You have her word that it's "just coke", right? Good, good. Wait - WHAT?! Drug addicts are notorious liars. You don't know if she's cutting it with anything else. You don't know if she would accidentally have it cut with anything else. Also, if she wants a fix, she's gonna get it when she damn well wants it, regardless of whether the kids are with her or not. I think you're being incredibly naive in this respect. Yep, you are probably right! but i can't go in there all gun's blazing at least not yet! Jack, the laws are shocking over here and i know it's hard for you guys in US to understand Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 Yep, you are probably right! but i can't go in there all gun's blazing at least not yet! Jack, the laws are shocking over here and i know it's hard for you guys in the US to understand Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) OK, phew, "just snorting coke". You have her word that it's "just coke", right? Good, good. Wait - WHAT?! Drug addicts are notorious liars. You don't know if she's cutting it with anything else. You don't know if she would accidentally have it cut with anything else. Also, if she wants a fix, she's gonna get it when she damn well wants it, regardless of whether the kids are with her or not. I think you're being incredibly naive in this respect. DITTO. I don't give a flying eff if you live in Outer Mongolia (wasn't it China last month?). I do not buy this. You are making excuses, holding out for more time, hoping it will turn around. I have great regard for your country and there is no way this mother can live in such curcumstances with children. NO WAY. Now, if you are protecting her from being caught, or have not turned this over to the proper authorities, and IF or, more likely, WHEN something happens to your kids (or your wife) you could, in essence, be partially responsible. You indeed, might even blame yourself IF or WHEN something irrereversible occurs. Vehicle Coke Alcohol Reefer Children That "High" Feeling That "Low" Feeling That "No Feeling At All" Feeling Visiting Other Drug Addicts Residences Associate Druggies To Whom She Owes Money Knocking On the Door Is it possible the chances of a huge catastrophe are sky-rocketing? Russell, this is getting dead serious now. I am absolutely astonished by your revision of this event. Wakey, wakey. Edited March 30, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
holly1234 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Definitely savable... Give it hope, and most of all give her some space and everything will come into place Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Definitely savable... Give it hope, and most of all give her some space and everything will come into place what the heck? troll - because this isn't even in line with this topic... OP -wake up man... your wife is putting your kids at risk every time she's with them - and YOU'RE allowing it. stop allowing that! druggies have no sense of reality and certainly NO conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Dude, I am married to an addict. Nuke the mosquito. Overreact! Far better to overreact. Far better! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Yep, you are probably right! but i can't go in there all gun's blazing at least not yet! Jack, the laws are shocking over here and i know it's hard for you guys in the US to understand Yep but you need to be stacking the odds in your favour. Your wife needs a firm hand, she may hate it now but in 4 or 5 years she may be thanking you for it. Report all the goings on to the police, I know they can't do anything now but heaven forbid something does happen, it will be noticed. Your wife is now an adversary, it may or may not change in the future but you need to look out for you and your kids. Go to the police!! Report this sh*t, every time it happens!! Get on to social services, don't speak to some brain dead drone, get up to management. Keep on at them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 I went round her house to pick up my girls and she was very cold! i got a text a couple of hours later which read, I just don't love you anymore!! **** , even with all this other **** going on that still really hurt!! Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 IGNORE her words. For all you know, she is coming down from a high, needs a fix badly. You are the brunt of her irritation. You also remind her that you are the complete opposite of what she is at this moment (you = straight, her = messed up on coke). Don't analyze or feed off any words from a junkie. Your biggest sin is that you happen to a nice guy and able to absorb whatever bad mood (drug-related or not) is popping out of her head. If you ignore, you do not give her any authority. Simple. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I went round her house to pick up my girls and she was very cold! i got a text a couple of hours later which read, I just don't love you anymore!! **** , even with all this other **** going on that still really hurt!! She can't love you right now because the chemical reactions from her addiction inhibit those hormones. They also remove the brain reactions that trigger guilt, empathy and responsiveness. She is hurting you because she wants a reaction or she is angry. What she just sent you is not something that someone with good judgment does. If she outright didn't love you she wouldnt even bother letting you know. Right now she has the emotional capacity and emotional maturity of a squid. Don't believe anything she has to say about love and relationships. She's in "Addict-brain." Nuke the mosquito and see what you have afterward. I haven't read your whole thread, have you done an intervention? Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 She can't love you right now because the chemical reactions from her addiction inhibit those hormones. They also remove the brain reactions that trigger guilt, empathy and responsiveness. She is hurting you because she wants a reaction or she is angry. What she just sent you is not something that someone with good judgment does. If she outright didn't love you she wouldnt even bother letting you know. Right now she has the emotional capacity and emotional maturity of a squid. Don't believe anything she has to say about love and relationships. She's in "Addict-brain." Nuke the mosquito and see what you have afterward. I haven't read your whole thread, have you done an intervention? what prompted her text was isent her a message which read i'm having a tough time if you can;t see or want any future then please sign the seperation agreement and give me some closure! her first responce was i'm sorry i can;t see any future,when i asked why she wrote because i don't love you anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 I would just like to add i have been married once before, for 4 years my first wife was from Sweden and we have a 14 year old son! She went back to visit her family when my son was two and never came back!!! I was so busted up as i only got to see my son 4 times a year and it would take around 12 hours travelling time to get there as he lived close to the artic circle! But i fort hard to keep a relatioship between me and my son! My current wife said i chose you to have children with as i have never seen such a commited father! it's almost like well he's a good guy he can i will have a couple of kids then go crazy funny thing was 18 months afdter we split his mother flew over and wanted to try again, but at this point i had moved on but i let her fly all the wau over to England just to show her that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 She can't love you right now because the chemical reactions from her addiction inhibit those hormones. They also remove the brain reactions that trigger guilt, empathy and responsiveness. She is hurting you because she wants a reaction or she is angry. What she just sent you is not something that someone with good judgment does. If she outright didn't love you she wouldnt even bother letting you know. Right now she has the emotional capacity and emotional maturity of a squid. Don't believe anything she has to say about love and relationships. She's in "Addict-brain." Nuke the mosquito and see what you have afterward. I haven't read your whole thread, have you done an intervention? I like your point of view!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I like your point of view!! Thank you, I have lived in the nightmare. This has nothing to do with character, morality, love, hate or Spongebob Squarepants. It is a mental illness and since you have your **** together you get to take care of you and then try to nuke the mosquito (if you want.) Addiction has destroyed a lot of families. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Thank you, I have lived in the nightmare. This has nothing to do with character, morality, love, hate or Spongebob Squarepants. It is a mental illness and since you have your **** together you get to take care of you and then try to nuke the mosquito (if you want.) Addiction has destroyed a lot of families. Sunday, she was talking about me moving in with her! Ok, i may have pushed her position tonight but i hate living in limbo! To the very best of my knowledge she is just snorting coke and smoking pot!But after tonight it's going to be to monitor the situation Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I am so sorry Russell. There is a time to "let go" when you cannot help someone that denies and/or minimizes a problem that exists, and refuses to treat the problem. You are in denial. My assessment, at this point, is you are not going to be proactive about your wife's condition until, perhaps, you are forced to by huge crisis. I really gave it my best shot. Good luck, I'm sending many prayers your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 I got these two texts from her last night 1.God i'm so sorry, i wish i had more time but i know this is killing you and it's not fair. I do love you but maybe not as i should. I don't know anymore, im so messed up, Sorryx 2.I don't want you hurt anymore. i hate seeing you this unhappy and knowing it's me doing it to u. sorry This Morning when she picked up my youngest she turned up looking rough and sounding like Charlie Sheen, i asked her if she had slept she said yes a couple of hours and then she said something that didnt make any sense, She said bye and and it should be easier for me to move on as she looks so rough. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts