Is it cheating if you are seperated?

[BigBob54]

My wife left me 8 months ago ( my fault) and moved into an apartment.I found out that a few days before she moved, she gave her phone number to a guy she met at a local bar and was texting him while she was still with me. A few weeks went by and I left her alone to give her the space she asked for. I then discovered through one of her friends (who is now disgusted with what she was doing) that she was sleeping with him right after she moved out but not before.

The story gets longer and nastier, but my position was and still is, that she had no right to do that.She is still married to me.

Am I wrong that I view that as cheating on me?

She did not file for divorce.

[BB07]

My wife left me 8 months ago ( my fault) and moved into an apartment.I found out that a few days before she moved, she gave her phone number to a guy she met at a local bar and was texting him while she was still with me. A few weeks went by and I left her alone to give her the space she asked for. I then discovered through one of her friends (who is now disgusted with what she was doing) that she was sleeping with him right after she moved out but not before.

The story gets longer and nastier, but my position was and still is, that she had no right to do that.She is still married to me.

Am I wrong that I view that as cheating on me?

She did not file for divorce.

 

I think it depends on if both parties are honest and straightforward with the other. If one clearly states they intend on dating and that the relationship is over, then I wouldn't consider it cheating. If the separation is something the couple are doing in hopes of working it out and no one says they intend on dating..........yes it's cheating.

[BigBob54]

I think it depends on if both parties are honest and straightforward with the other. If one clearly states they intend on dating and that the relationship is over, then I wouldn't consider it cheating. If the separation is something the couple are doing in hopes of working it out and no one says they intend on dating..........yes it's cheating.

 

 

She did not say that she would be dating,even had a few dates with me and was seeing him all the while. I consider that cheating. She doesn't.

When I found out by catching her with him, I didn't react very well.

AT ALL.

I am not proud of what I did.(I did not hurt anyone), I ran over his motorcycle with my car and landed in jail for 30 days .

Now he is gone, she says she made a "mistake" and she wants to work on getting back with me.

I'm still furious about it and have a lot of bitterness and anger about it.

She doesn't think she cheated.

I do.

[marqueemoon4]

It varies from state to state, but I know in VA if you're just separated and having an intimate relationship with someone else its ADULTERY. Now proving this is the tricky part. Thats where a private investigator comes in.

[carhill]

Hi and welcome to LS

 

It's highly likely that the person she's been having sexual relations with during your separation had inappropriate contact with her prior to your separation. The texts you discovered and her sexual activities with him suggest that. So, regardless of her 'rationalization' surrounding separation, it was a betrayal of the marriage.

 

'I didn't cheat; we were separated' is a common phrase I've heard from MW's. Usually it's a lie. I expect it to be a lie. Decades of experience have supported it being a lie.

 

Unless you and your wife clearly had the 'we're done and we're dating others' talk, the vows you spoke to each other regarding sexual and emotional fidelity still control.

 

File for divorce today. You can actually do it yourself in most jurisdictions. Clearly, your wife is not interested in continuing your marriage. Get it done.

 

So, what is this:

 

"My wife left me 8 months ago ( my fault)".

 

What exactly was 'my fault'?

[PegNosePete]

Don't be the backup plan.

Don't be a doormat.

She obviously planned the whole thing. Even if she didn't sleep with him before you separated, she wanted to, and that is why she separated.

 

File for divorce dude.

[iheartboobs]

It's cheating. **** her excuses.

[starting2wakeup]

It depends on who you talk to but personally, I would consider it cheating. In my mind, and many others, it's a very black and white issue. You two are still legally married. She slept with some else thus breaking your marriage vows. She cheated. But again, that's just my opinion.

[BigBob54]

Hi and welcome to LS

 

It's highly likely that the person she's been having sexual relations with during your separation had inappropriate contact with her prior to your separation. The texts you discovered and her sexual activities with him suggest that. So, regardless of her 'rationalization' surrounding separation, it was a betrayal of the marriage.

 

'I didn't cheat; we were separated' is a common phrase I've heard from MW's. Usually it's a lie. I expect it to be a lie. Decades of experience have supported it being a lie.

 

Unless you and your wife clearly had the 'we're done and we're dating others' talk, the vows you spoke to each other regarding sexual and emotional fidelity still control.

 

File for divorce today. You can actually do it yourself in most jurisdictions. Clearly, your wife is not interested in continuing your marriage. Get it done.

 

So, what is this:

 

"My wife left me 8 months ago ( my fault)".

 

What exactly was 'my fault'?

 

My fault was that I was getting verbaly abusive to her, not phyically. I live in Florida and it is adultery in this state. They do not enforce it. My sources all tell me she never did this while she was with me.Her best friend told me about him because she had it done to her and she was angry about it.She would know because she was there when with my wife when she gave this guy her number.

 

He was her rebound, and I'm not going to be his rebound.

[trippi1432]

Depends on the state...and I would say the opinions of the people it's affecting really. In my state, if it is in the legal separation papers that the two parties are free to affiliate with whomever they please (and yes, I did have that put in there), then it's not cheating. If the status of the marriage before those papers are in play is living separate but working on reconciling and the other party cheats...that is cheating.

 

My exH left, asked for a reconcile (so he could try to choose between me and the OW that I didn't know about) and moved in with her before the papers were signed....perspective is black and white....cheated. I divorced him to be free of him.

[BigBob54]

It varies from state to state, but I know in VA if you're just separated and having an intimate relationship with someone else its ADULTERY. Now proving this is the tricky part. Thats where a private investigator comes in.

 

I talked to my lawyer and Fl is a "no fault" state. I even tried to get the cops to enforce the law. They won't.

 

I still love my wife, but I feel the betrayal is just to much for me to forgive this. I'm having nightmares and I'm feeling violent towards this guy since he sat there in court grinning at me. I have to control my rage about this because I'm 6ft 6" tall and weigh 350 lbs. and my instinct is to wipe his grin across the pavement. I feel like its waving the flag at the bull.

I am so messed up about this I cant think straight. It's killing me emotionally.

[carhill]

OP, I know it's purely semantics at this point, but can you imagine your wife having sex with someone she barely knows after just a few days? I rarely meet women like that. IME with MW's, short of sport-f*cking with bar pick-ups, they get to know their men before having sex with them. It's usually not about the sex but the sex is a way of getting what they want.

 

How long have you been married?

[iheartboobs]

He was her rebound, and I'm not going to be his rebound.

 

This is the correct attitude. You, sir, are what is known as "win-money".

 

I know it's hard and you're hurt and pissed (I know because I went through the exact same thing), but you've got to get your mind off it and focus on getting yourself right.

 

You're only hurt and pissed because you think your wife betrayed you, but that's not the case. Once she did what she did, she stopped being your wife and became a whore... and who the **** cares what a whore does anyway? It's over and you're better off now, so **** that whore.

[BB07]

She did not say that she would be dating,even had a few dates with me and was seeing him all the while. I consider that cheating. She doesn't.

When I found out by catching her with him, I didn't react very well.

AT ALL.

I am not proud of what I did.(I did not hurt anyone), I ran over his motorcycle with my car and landed in jail for 30 days .

Now he is gone, she says she made a "mistake" and she wants to work on getting back with me.

I'm still furious about it and have a lot of bitterness and anger about it.

She doesn't think she cheated.

I do.

 

From the scenario you describe.....yes she cheated.

I would think that if she doesn't own up to it, then chances for repair are slim to none.

 

Well I'm glad you didn't hurt anyone.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I then discovered through one of her friends (who is now disgusted with what she was doing) that she was sleeping with him right after she moved out but not before.

 

The story gets longer and nastier, but my position was and still is, that she had no right to do that.She is still married to me.

Am I wrong that I view that as cheating on me?

 

 

 

Yeah, right. She "had no right to (have sex with him)" but in the court that exists only in your mind, you had every right to run over his motorcycle with your car.

 

You're either together, or you're not. Once you're not together, either side has every right to have sex with agreeable adults of their choosing.

 

I once knew a woman who, at age 38, hadn't seen her husband for 8 years. Had no idea where he was. Are you trying to suggest that she was not to have sex with anyone during that time just because neither side had cause or incentive up to that point to take on the costs of divorce procedures?

 

Her sexual peak... passed-by, just because of another perception as dumb as the idea of running over somebody's motorcycle with your car????

[You Go Girl]

My wife left me 8 months ago ( my fault) and .

So, you admit her leaving was your fault. Why are you examining her behavior with such scrutiny, when you have done wrong, and say so?

 

I ran over his motorcycle with my car and landed in jail for 30 days .

Now he is gone, she says she made a "mistake" and she wants to work on getting back with me.

I'm still furious about it and have a lot of bitterness and anger about it.

She doesn't think she cheated.

I do.

You have violent tendencies. You may need anger management.

She did cheat, technically, it is cheating, yes.

You are still furious and have a lot of bitterness...well maybe she does too! Maybe she feels that way about the things you did that you say are your fault that made her leave in the first place!

 

 

My fault was that I was getting verbaly abusive to her, not phyically. He was her rebound, and I'm not going to be his rebound.

You were verbally abusive.

Being married to a person does not give you the right to be verbally abusive, anymore than not being divorced does not give her the right to cheat.

 

I talked to my lawyer and Fl is a "no fault" state. I even tried to get the cops to enforce the law. They won't.

 

I still love my wife, but I feel the betrayal is just to much for me to forgive this. I'm having nightmares and I'm feeling violent towards this guy since he sat there in court grinning at me. I have to control my rage about this because I'm 6ft 6" tall and weigh 350 lbs. and my instinct is to wipe his grin across the pavement. I feel like its waving the flag at the bull.

I am so messed up about this I cant think straight. It's killing me emotionally.

 

You still love her.

So let's take a balancing scale...the kind used in days of old. Let's weigh the things you did, the verbal abuse and all the rest of it, against her cheating. Obviously her cheating is closer to your pain. But we're not going to weigh that way. We're going to weigh her pain against your pain.

Are you sure your pain is more than hers?

Maybe what you did, has been killing her emotionally. Maybe her instinct was to wipe you across the pavement, but she knows physically this is an impossibility.

 

So many men on here will get into the mob mentality and judge women, and totally IGNORE the confession you made that you MADE HER LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE BY YOUR BEHAVIOR.

 

Relationships have to be judged fairly. It sounds to me, that if you love her, you could forgive her, sure as she has offered to FORGIVE YOU.

 

And one more thing...since when are relationships about being "right" in an argument? No relationship survives with that mentality. So even though you are technically "right" that she cheated, does it matter?

Edited January 19, 2011 by You Go Girl

[hopesndreams]

I talked to my lawyer and Fl is a "no fault" state. I even tried to get the cops to enforce the law. They won't.

 

I still love my wife, but I feel the betrayal is just to much for me to forgive this. I'm having nightmares and I'm feeling violent towards this guy since he sat there in court grinning at me. I have to control my rage about this because I'm 6ft 6" tall and weigh 350 lbs. and my instinct is to wipe his grin across the pavement. I feel like its waving the flag at the bull.

I am so messed up about this I cant think straight. It's killing me emotionally.

 

Your anger is misplaced. Your W made the vows to you, not the OM. He owes you nothing. He could have been anyone. In fact, one day he will be in your shoes! Yeah, he is a piece of sh*t scumbag but your W, is far worse. Yes, she cheated. No question. No matter what you did in the M, she 100% owns spreading her legs for another man. It's laughable (and hurtful) when a WS says nothing physical happened until after they left you. YEAH RIGHT!

[heartbrokensj]

Am I wrong that I view that as cheating on me?

She did not file for divorce.

 

BB54, I am sorry you are going through this..in my opinion, i also consider it cheating. For my own situation and my own take on my marriage, and I am not judging other peoples' decision to date while separated but for me, when I married I made the commitment and will honor that promise and commitment no matter how bad the condition my marriage is in and its only until the divorce is finalized( if this ends up being the course of action for my situation) that I will even consider dating again.

 

I wish you all the best....if your spiritual person and believe in God, now is a great time to start using your faith to get your through this and lean on trusted friends and family to help you through this difficult time.

[BigBob54]

So, you admit her leaving was your fault. Why are you examining her behavior with such scrutiny, when you have done wrong, and say so?

 

I can correct my wrongs. How does she give me back her fidelity?

 

 

You have violent tendencies. You may need anger management.

She did cheat, technically, it is cheating, yes.

You are still furious and have a lot of bitterness...well maybe she does too! Maybe she feels that way about the things you did that you say are your fault that made her leave in the first place!

 

Yes I do.That's why why I'm in counseling.

 

 

 

You were verbally abusive.

Being married to a person does not give you the right to be verbally abusive, anymore than not being divorced does not give her the right to cheat.

 

Correct, and it's not the same thing.

 

 

 

You still love her.

So let's take a balancing scale...the kind used in days of old. Let's weigh the things you did, the verbal abuse and all the rest of it, against her cheating. Obviously her cheating is closer to your pain. But we're not going to weigh that way. We're going to weigh her pain against your pain.

Are you sure your pain is more than hers?

Maybe what you did, has been killing her emotionally. Maybe her instinct was to wipe you across the pavement, but she knows physically this is an impossibility.

 

I wasn't keeping score, and spreading your legs outside of our marriage is more painful. Yes, it does out wiegh it to me.

 

So many men on here will get into the mob mentality and judge women, and totally IGNORE the confession you made that you MADE HER LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE BY YOUR BEHAVIOR.

 

Correct, SHE decided to cheat. I think I paid the price and then some. She could have me divorced me but LIED and CHEATED.

 

Relationships have to be judged fairly. It sounds to me, that if you love her, you could forgive her, sure as she has offered to FORGIVE YOU.

 

Really? I can repair my words of anger. I can take them back, and her? How she take back the sex?

 

And one more thing...since when are relationships about being "right" in an argument? No relationship survives with that mentality. So even though you are technically "right" that she cheated, does it matter?

 

Yes.

 

 

It does matter, she wants to call me an ass####?, whatever, sticks and stones. She did what she KNEW would strike me down.

[trippi1432]

Bob - Not sure if the information you have gotten is recent and you are trying to make sense of it all, or if your wife is still in your life...perhaps trying to make a come back (given from your post that you are not going to be HIS rebound).

 

The fact is, you are very angry at this point, and yes...technically she did cheat. If she is trying to come back and you can't forgive nor make sense of what she did, there is no point in trying again. It will only serve in your punishing her for her actions and ultimately her hurting you as well. That does not make for a marriage, more a Clash of the Titans and a battle of wills.

 

What she did is in the past...let her be responsible for her actions as you do not have to own up to them. You only need to own up to your actions.

 

My exH told me a few months after leaving, "The grass isn't greener on the other side"...I told him right back, "Yep, but you're the one that chose to graze there". Time for you to heal Bob....work on that anger for you because it's a really hard place to be.

[BigBob54]

Bob - Not sure if the information you have gotten is recent and you are trying to make sense of it all, or if your wife is still in your life...perhaps trying to make a come back (given from your post that you are not going to be HIS rebound).

 

The fact is, you are very angry at this point, and yes...technically she did cheat. If she is trying to come back and you can't forgive nor make sense of what she did, there is no point in trying again. It will only serve in your punishing her for her actions and ultimately her hurting you as well. That does not make for a marriage, more a Clash of the Titans and a battle of wills.

 

What she did is in the past...let her be responsible for her actions as you do not have to own up to them. You only need to own up to your actions.

 

My exH told me a few months after leaving, "The grass isn't greener on the other side"...I told him right back, "Yep, but you're the one that chose to graze there". Time for you to heal Bob....work on that anger for you because it's a really hard place to be.

 

Thank you so much. I'm trying to do just that and you are correct I keep punishing her about this because I am so very angry. I don't even know where to begin to try to heal. It haunts me. The betrayel, the sex with him, all of it. Even if I was able to forgive it, how do I forget it? I will never trust her again.

[trippi1432]

Bob - What you are feeling right now is very understandable to those who have been in that situation, but you do need to work out this anger before you can even make that decision to allow her back in your life...before you can even think about getting back to trust.

 

Forgive is not dependent on forgetting....it's hard to figure out where to begin the healing, right now you are looking for validation that she realizes what she did to hurt you. That could be the first step in your healing; however, you are not going to get it from her by showing her anger or by punishing her. All you will get is her defense that she didn't cheat.

 

Should you let her come back? That is only a question you can answer....but until you can work through the anger that you have and work on the faults you have already admitted to (the verbal abuse), you may still need some time. It doesn't have to be angry, it doesn't have to be punishment....a simple request for time to work out your feelings.

Edited January 25, 2011 by trippi1432

[health]

I wouldn't take her back. I would find a better woman who gives you her love, respect and devotion.

 

I would only take her back if she's begging for you back.

 

The old relationship is now dead - over. You would have to start now from scratch - if you can do it - go for it.

[BigBob54]

Bob - Not sure if the information you have gotten is recent and you are trying to make sense of it all, or if your wife is still in your life...perhaps trying to make a come back (given from your post that you are not going to be HIS rebound).

 

The fact is, you are very angry at this point, and yes...technically she did cheat. If she is trying to come back and you can't forgive nor make sense of what she did, there is no point in trying again. It will only serve in your punishing her for her actions and ultimately her hurting you as well. That does not make for a marriage, more a Clash of the Titans and a battle of wills.

 

What she did is in the past...let her be responsible for her actions as you do not have to own up to them. You only need to own up to your actions.

 

My exH told me a few months after leaving, "The grass isn't greener on the other side"...I told him right back, "Yep, but you're the one that chose to graze there". Time for you to heal Bob....work on that anger for you because it's a really hard place to be.

 

Thanks again. Your advice is gratefully taken. She has told me she made a "mistake" and is sorry. But I feel she is sorry for herself and not for what it did to me. She has never asked me to forgive her, and I think it is because she does not really believe she has wronged me, but herself.

I'm going to take some time to try to find peace of mind with this. The anger and bitterness is very strong right now, and every time I see her I throw out some other barb about just what I think of her now. What a mess.

[trippi1432]

It is right now....a mess, but it's not one that can't be cleaned up with a time out and finding that peace of mind. Right now, her focus is on her and her pain...and she is going to be in denial...no one likes to feel guilty. On the other side of that, your focus is on you and your pain. When things hurt, that's where we go....sometimes it's just human nature. That's why you are throwing the barbs and she is back peddling into denial. Doesn't make for either of you to get any closer to a resolution or to heal from this.

 

One thing...she has said that she made a mistake but is sorry....that's a step. Granted, a small step in light of how you feel, but a step none-the-less. Most likely, she will not be able to ask for forgiveness until she stops thinking about herself and puts what she did into the context of how it hurt you...and that is going to take time...if ever. It really depends on her.

 

That peace of mind is going to come when you can take a look at all the actions leading up to where you are now...it's looking at both your pain and perhaps her pain prior to her leaving. It's not validating what she did...but the role you both played leading up to where you are today. As long as you dwell in the anger of her recent actions, the anger will still be there.