Breakup after 5 years - Kid involved - She doesn't love me anymore

[TheThinker]

Me and my now ex partner have recently (this weekend) gone through a breakup because she has fallen out of love with me. Its hit me hard and i have spiraled into massive periods of depression whereby i dont know what to do with myself and feel like i want the ground to eat me up.

 

We had a short break after xmas where i moved out of the house for a few days as she was unhappy with how things were. She wanted to break the bad habits that we had both gotten into (although mainly me) where we were both in such a comfort zone. I moved back in and everything seemed to be happy again, her friends commented on how "loved up" we looked, we had the world at our feet for a few days. Everything carried although it always seemed to be me that was making the extra effort for us to be together. It was when i finally confronted her that it clicked in her head that it was that she didnt love me like she used to and she wasnt even trying in the relationship and didnt know if she wanted to.

 

Just before the short break up one of my friends got engaged and she mentioned that it only ever seemed to happen on a big date and if i done it she wouldnt want it to be then. I was actually already preparing to do it on her birthday and she saw by my reaction as much as i tried to hide it that i was up to something. When we had the short break up i told her what i was planning to do and she said she thought i was up to something but couldnt be sure. When we got back together we even looked at engagement rings and she told me the sort of one that she would want if i was to ever do it. she was happy to do so. I put it off and i had actually planned to take her away this weekend to propose to her but now everything has come crashing down around me instead and i am now at the complete other end of the scale in a huge depression.

 

We have a child together and that is the only thing that is currently keeping me going. That and the help of my friends who have allowed me a lot of their time and effort to try and help me out and i know are here for me. But i cant impose on their lives too much, its not fair. They have said to me i am not being a burden on them but they have their own lives to lead with their partners and i feel bad that if i am permanently pestering them, then i will eventually just start to annoy them (although they say otherwise)

 

She says that she loves me for who i am and for being the father of our child but she cant return the feelings that i have towards her.

 

She has said that she will never stop me seeing our kid or anything like that. She went through it herself when she was younger and although she gets on with her parents now she resents them for how the access was when she was younger hardly ever seeing her father.

 

She has recently been going to lunch with another guy from work and they started emailing each other out of work. I confronted her about this as i didnt like the situation, as i had seen an email whereby he was coming onto her ... She had told him not to send her stuff like that ... it wasnt i didnt trust her, it as i didnt trust him although she continued to see him at work and went out for leaving drinks just with him right up as he left to go and live with his wife and kid who had relocated a month before for job purposes. She says there has never been anything nor is there anything there but its obviously worrying that it was the reason etc.

 

The house we currently live in is a rented accomadation and is filled with furniture and possesions that we have bought together down the years. it is on a month by month lease so we have to give 1 months notice to cancel it. I know everything needs to be sorted but i currently cant bring myself to do anything in regards to it. I have moved out into my parents house and she is going to move into her mothers house with our kid when we eventually sort the house out. All of the bills come through my name although she contributes the money towards them as you would expect.

 

A major fear i have that its so final when that house is gone. There is no turning back in regards to our relationship in my eyes, not that i am holding onto any hope that we can get back together because i know if i do that i am just setting myself up for even more heartbreak somewhere down the line. I am just finding everything so hard to deal with where it is so raw and fresh. It just seems so final

 

Obviously i cant cut off contact completely due to seeing our kid but for the last 3 days where we have been in almost constant contact despite not being with each other. E-mails at work, text, phone calls etc ... I have told her that i am there for her whatever she needs but she is scared of hurting me further. I know myself that its too much, i have tried to cut down on how many i am sending her etc or being more to the point.

 

She is torn apart that she has hurt me in this way and has said that this is never how she wanted things to end up. We have always said we will grow old together.

 

She has said that she wants to be my friend and she wants me to be able to come into the house (both now and when she moves) so that its not like it was when she was growing up.

 

I cant eat properly, i have no appetite, I hadnt eaten for 4 days, although i finally managed to eat an orange, banana and some grapes last night but since cant bring myself to have anything else. I cant sleep, i have had 3 hours total in the last 3 days. I bought some herbal sleeping tablets but the effects are yet to be seen if at all. She is the same ... She cant bring herself to eat and isnt sleeping properly at all either. She says she hates herself and is permanently beating herself up over everything.

 

I dont know what else to say really ... I think and hope as responses come in (if they do) then i can shed more light and remember more things but at the minute i am hurting in such a huge way i just dont know what to do with myself. I just cant see where my future is now, i have a beatiful kid from this relationship but nothing else. I know in my heart of hearts thats reason enough to have a future but i also feel like i am back to square one living with my parents with nothing to look forward to etc

Edited January 18, 2011 by TheThinker

[D78]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex also "fell out of love with me" and left, so I feel your pain.

 

I would believe what your friends said about talking to them. They will let you know when it's time to shut up. You have to rely on your friends and family to keep you strong for your son.

 

I'm going to apologize for what I'm about to say because it's probably not what you want to hear... but I think the reason no one has responded to your original post is that you seem like a really nice guy, and it seems like your ex had something going on with the work dude. I could be wrong - just my first impression and I obviously only speak for myself.

 

Instead of thinking of getting rid of the house as making your break up final, it might help you move forward to think of the break up being final right now.

 

You need: movies (funny ones with no romance), protein shakes or ensure for calories, water, kleenex, music.... just cry or scream until you can't do it anymore.

 

Hopefully some non-newbies will come here and add to my response!

 

Good luck

[TheThinker]

Thanks for the response ... I spoke to her tonight as i had to drop our daughter off, i sat down and we had a chat without both bawling our eyes out for the first time.

 

I got her to look me in the eyes and asked her if anything was, is or is going to happen with the other guy from work and she looked me straight in the eye and said No - They are just good friends. She even swore on my daughters life that nothing has ever happened or anything like that. He no longer lives around here and he know lives in about 3 hours away with his wife and kid.

 

I know her well enough to know when she is lying and i think that has finally settled that one in my head. I can understand why you would say what you did above though, i certainly did.

 

I do appreciate what you are saying though. I have managed to eat some soup although not a lot and about half a bread roll. I tried on some jeans earlier that used to be tight and now i have a good 2 inches in them !!

 

As for music i cant listen to anything without over analysing it at the minute. Either the song reminds me of her or the lyrics seem to hold significance to something going on in my life. Its horrible ... I am driving around the last couple of days in silence.

[D78]

...I know her well enough to know when she is lying and i think that has finally settled that one in my head. I can understand why you would say what you did above though, i certainly did.

 

I'm jaded from hearing it so much. I actually heard it so much I convinced myself that my ex had someone else on the side. I also believe him when he said he didn't.

 

Sorry I called your daughter a son by the way

 

...I do appreciate what you are saying though. I have managed to eat some soup although not a lot and about half a bread roll. I tried on some jeans earlier that used to be tight and now i have a good 2 inches in them !!

 

Yeah, I couldn't eat for a while. I'm 2 months in, and if I eat 2 meals a day it's a success. And the meals are tiny. If you're like me, that symptom could persist. Come to think of it, I haven't eaten yet today. Shoot.

 

...As for music i cant listen to anything without over analysing it at the minute. Either the song reminds me of her or the lyrics seem to hold significance to something going on in my life. Its horrible ... I am driving around the last couple of days in silence.

 

I'm not sure how you feel about curse words... but I made what I called the FU playlist - 8 songs, constantly on repeat in my car and my house. That was when I was in the anger stage, though. And I guess the FU playlist will not be a good thing to have in the same home as your child (but if you want the songs, they are in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259448/). All the songs have nothing to do with my break up (one is about a gold digger, one is about a guy who cheats, one is about a psycho chick, one is about a friend who gets everything they want, one is just about saying FU, then they get happy at the end) (they are almost all very full of curse words, so you've been warned).

 

When I had to drive a lot for school, I would listen to stand up comedy to stay relaxed. You could probably download some standup from iTunes if the silence starts to bug. For me, laughing helped a lot. I'm still renting comedies every night.

[pgaye]

Thinker,

 

I am in a similar situation. Read my post "Won't She Come Back" on the forum. I have lost 25 pounds since the start of the year. You have to be strong. I am telling you this as much as I am telling myself. You have a child to look after you have to man up to the task. Take care of your self. Eat, be busy, make new friends, get back in contact with old ones. Get a self improvement books. empower yourself! the worst that can happen is that she will become attracted to you again after seeing strength in you again. Otherwise you become a better person on the other side of this thing. Mine started with her saying she was going to leave, than it went to we need a break. Really a kind way of saying break-up call it quits. I lost a lot of my own identity loving to this woman. Just when enough of me was gone she probably started looking for someone like who I used to be. You have to get you back just like I have to get me back. It may sound silly but you must love yourself enough that she can be comfortable loving you too. or any other woman for that matter.

Edited January 19, 2011 by pgaye

[TheThinker]

I am sort of eating – I had that fruit and for lunch I went out with work as one of the directors and I had about half a bowl of soup and half a bread roll. That’s it though, I haven’t progressed any further and I didn’t manage to have anything yesterday evening. I have lost loads of weight; even my jeans which were tight now have about 2 inches free in them.

 

I picked our daughter up from the childminders and had her until about 20:00 last night then I took her back home. She loved it and so did I … She didn’t stay or anything like that though. When I dropped her back my ex asked me to sit down and we talked … we were fine and we sat and talked for about 2 hours. It was all amicable; she can read me like a book though.

 

She said “I can see you want to say something to me” - I got her to look me in the eyes and asked her if anything was, or happening with this guy and she looked me in the eye and said No. She said “you know in your heart and in your head nothing would happen whilst I was in a relationship, I am not like that.” - I said “I knew in my heart but not in my head” - I said “is anything going to happen” and she said “no – he is married” I said “that doesn’t stop things, especially when I have seen those e-mails and she said “did you see my responses to them though”. I thanked her for telling me the truth and explained that because of the circumstances of it all, if anything was ever to happen etc with him then it would absolutely rip me to pieces. I asked her when this other guy comes up to see her what she would be doing and I asked if she would be bringing him to the house, she asked why and I said “I just think it would be strange for that to happen given the circumstances” – I know I shouldn’t have said anything about it but I was just thinking all the bad things despite being told. The thought of it all makes me feel physically sick.

 

I also know I shouldn’t have done but I asked if there was any chance of starting again, completely from the start, breaking all ties, not just picking up where we left off, maybe start dating again etc and she said “at the minute I don’t think I can do it”, … I just wanted to lean over and kiss her a proper kiss, it was killing me that I couldn’t. I made a clear point that I wasn’t begging or anything and that she had made the decision if that’s what she wants then its ok. I asked her if she was 100% sure that this is what she wants and she said “I am never 100% sure”. I said are you 99% sure and she said “just at the moment this is what I feel like I want” - I said to her I was probably coming on a bit too strong when I had moved back in and she said she didn’t know if that was it. I said to it wasn’t always me like she thinks it was, she is forgetting that she was happy on her birthday, her birthday meal that Thursday you came round etc. I also asked her if there was any pressure over the fact she knew I was going to propose and she said “it didn’t help but it wasn’t a reason” – Although I know she has made the decision, I feel a bit like it’s my actions that led to it.

 

I mentioned to her about my fears about the house and she said she understood and that everything didn’t need to be sorted straight away. That still doesn’t change how I feel though, I just don’t feel up to it nor do I feel like I can be up to it.

 

I also told her that everything I was reading or doing was pointing to not having any contact with her at all to give both of us space and time to heal. I said I realise I couldn’t do that because of our daughter but she said I understand if you do. She was sad about it all but I didn’t want to hurt her further, much like she doesn’t want to hurt me.

 

I asked if she had cancelled her holiday for Monday and she said no. I asked what she is going to do and she just said “nothing really, just sit around the house” – She asked if I had cancelled mine and I said “not yet” and she said “well you can come and see me if you want” … I really really want to but I am not so sure it’s a good idea.

 

As I was leaving she gave me a big hug and I got a bit upset but not overly. I don’t know why but it all got the better of me all of a sudden. Then when I got home I went on Facebook to speak to my Ebo and she popped up and said “hi hope your ok – Sorry if I upset you” … I said “I upset myself” … she put “well I hope me answering some of your questions helped x” … I went downstairs to get a drink and she was offline when I got back up so I text her. “It did help you answering my questions, I am sorry they weren’t the best and you had to keep telling me the same things”. She put “You know me and If you need me to answer the question then I will, no one knows what will ever happen in the future but everything I have said is true x” … I replied with “I don’t want to keep going around in circles… everything I said to you was true as well, I wouldn’t lie to you and I never have x” … she responded with “I know x” … I put try and get some proper sleep and I will speak to you tomorrow x” and she put “I am … its not working. You try too please

[Miss_G]

I, too, am in a similar situation to yourself. My partner and I decided to split in September after 4 years together. We also have a child, a son. He is only very young (18 months infact) and forunately has no idea of the chaos!

 

My partner and I split due to arguements about his family. They are a nightmare (you can read my other posts to get an idea). My partner and I have tried to make it work since the split but his PARENTS have always managed to destroy whatever chance we had. Things have no hit rock bottom and I feel as though I am going through similar feelings that I had at the start (just not quite as bad).

 

I finished with my partner initially but in more of an 'arguement' than a serious way. Within 4 hours I was texting him to say that it was ridiculous. We were going to a party as a family. He shrugged me off and went without me...or our son. After that he decided that HE didn't want to get back together. I was distraught. After suffering the most crippling post-natal depression (and being a bitch to him I admit!) this was just what a needed!

 

We have a home together which we have both bought together. I made a contribution as a lumpsome (I didn't work after having our child as I had just left University when I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant). My partner paid the mortgage from his well-paid job. He now believes (correction: his family) that this house is as good as his. I am on the mortgage therefore I own it as well. They have shunned me and my son from the houes and have changed the locks so we can't get back in. My mum happened to be spotted driving past our home whilst my partners father was there (partner was not) and ex-father-in-law invited her in to sort the situation out. As things got heated he assaulted her and is now being prosecuted by the police. I am currently flitting back and forth from my solicitor to sort out the house and MOVE ON!

 

Now, I'm not just preeching my situation. I hope you will find some comfort in it. I am truly distraught that my fabulous relationship has come to this. I also struggle to realise that my partner will never be my husband and I will one day live my life with another man.

 

What you need to realise is that this relationship is not the one for you. This 'half-hearted relationship', if you were to stay in it, would always block the way of a 'full-hearted one'. Do you understand what I mean? I realise you are hurting and my heart goes out to you. It is the worst pain you could feel to know that the love you once shared is there no more. My partner has openly said he loves me and wished we could work it out but can't. That hurts like HELL.

 

You need to live for your child. When you ex calls/you see her you mention nothing of your life. If she asks what you have been upto your answer is 'this and that'. NC is not to get her back but to help you mentally move on. I have found, after 4 months, the lack of contact (although still some) and helped me to not feel the emptiness anymore. It will take time but you will get there.

 

Stay strong for your child, be a good parent and look forward to a wonderful future. Life has a funny way of turning. Be excited that you have entered a new phase of your life and let the old, failed phase go.