Discussion: "Is it that easy for dumpers to move on?"

[0hpenelope]

I'll start: yes.

 

It doesn't matter if the dumper's a he or she. The dumper's able to move on faster because he's (she's) thought about it for a while, keeping the dumpee in the dark while acting like everything's okay on the surface. It doesn't matter if he (she) still cares. None of that matters anymore. The point is, the dumper acted on their thoughts of wanting to leave the relationship. No amount of discussion with them during or post break-up will lasso them back into the relationship with you.

 

Dumpers don't want to be with the dumpees anymore, for one reason or the other. Let them go.

 

Solution for you (dumpee): move on. Analyzing what went wrong in thoughts that doing so will bring them back is false. Analyze what went wrong so you can learn your lesson and bring it into a new relationship.

 

Jump in and throw your $0.02 in, please. Feeling bad for the dumpees who aren't in this stage of acceptance yet.

[Stilicho]

everything you said is definitely true for the most part, but i think those that leave due to g.i.g.s basically channel their emotional connection they had with you to the next person, and than if it doesnt work out how they pictured it would, it than hits them way too late.

[marqueemoon4]

It seems for women dumpers its easier to move on, because by they time they leave, they planned it out and have their bases covered.

[D78]

... Analyze what went wrong so you can learn your lesson and bring it into a new relationship.

 

That's hard to do when dumpers feed you standard BS lines... "it's not you, it's me..." Lesson: it's him?

 

All of my lessons (your love will stop loving you but continue to say he loves you; he will not talk to you about how he's feeling but will blindside you by dumping you; he lied to you for a long time as he detached from you, while living with you, etc.) seem like they will not be good to take to my next relationship.

[EricaH329]

Every situation is different. Circumstances such as cheating or abuse, it's equally (if not more) difficult for the dumper.

 

I was the dumper in my last relationship. Was it harder for me? I don't think so, I think it was equally difficult. In my situation, it was an extremely unhealthy relationship. On both of our parts. Having tried many times to change that, and realizing that it won't change, I was the one who had the courage to get both of us detached from an unhealthy aspect in our lives.

 

I think a major misconception about dumpers, is that we have it 'easier'. I believe that's wrong. In every single instance, except for one where the dumper doesn't care for the dumpee anymore, it is either equally as difficult or more difficult.

 

Dumpees *always* seem to think that the dumper broke up with them because they didn't care for them anymore. I have been dumped a few times, and I have dumped a few times. I've been on both ends. I know that when I have dumped a guy, no matter what reason I gave him, he always thought it was because I didn't care about 'saving' our relationship. Some relationships can't be saved. Some people aren't meant to be together.

 

Does that make it any easier to realize that? Does that make it any easier to break away from the one person you truly care about? I say no.

[swfc_77]

"Analyze what went wrong so you can learn your lesson and bring it into a new relationship."

 

"That's hard to do when dumpers feed you standard BS lines... "it's not you, it's me..." Lesson: it's him?"

 

i was going to say something similar dn78.

 

i'v analized the relationship, i dont know what went wrong that i could have changed. after we split her reasons would change every time we spoke, i will go into the next relationship the same way i did my last.

 

i do think it was easier for her to move on because she took the good times but left when things got tough (i was owed money from a construction job)

 

every situation is different, people do things different

 

imo my ex if she was a good women she should have stood by me through some tough time, like i did her.

 

and when i say tough i mean just short of money, we still had a roof over our head and food on the table

[EricaH329]

"Analyze what went wrong so you can learn your lesson and bring it into a new relationship."

 

"That's hard to do when dumpers feed you standard BS lines... "it's not you, it's me..." Lesson: it's him?"

 

It's not necessarily analyzing what went wrong, as much as it is what you believe you did wrong, and what you can do differently/better the next time around.

 

Also, it's a good stepping stone towards realizing who the person you ultimately want to be with is. It's a good idea to also analyze your ex, in the sense of what they could have done differently, what you absolutely don't want to happen again. It helps to narrow down who you want to be with in the next relationship.

 

Do not get stuck on the 'what happened' aspect. That'll leave you running in circles. Focus on what you do know. How you acted, what you can do differently, what you aren't proud of, what you are proud of, etc.

[Leandro]

 

i do think it was easier for her to move on because she took the good times but left when things got tough

 

every situation is different, people do things different

 

imo my ex if she was a good women she should have stood by me through some tough time, like i did her.

 

I believe the same. My ex just left to the next guy when things weren't going the way it use to be. Just a small little bump. She wanted to make life easier on her.

 

I personally think my ex didn't care. I'm not saying all dumpers are like that, just mine .

 

I know, I could see it in her eyes.

[ByMyselfForNow]

I know that when I have dumped a guy, no matter what reason I gave him, he always thought it was because I didn't care about 'saving' our relationship. Some relationships can't be saved. Some people aren't meant to be together.

 

Fist of all, this has nothing to do with your particular situation, but thinking about what you said made me think that in our days, all this extensive socializing has a huge impact on our lives. With all the temptations everywhere, we become lazier, unwilling to "save" relationships, we thrive for happiness and, when the moment is gone, we just bail out. Because it's just easier, we're used to doing this and most importantly there's always something better out there.

 

Maybe, we should show a little more patience towards what we've got. Just a thought.

[J0N]

It seems for women dumpers its easier to move on, because by they time they leave, they planned it out and have their bases covered.

 

I think this is exactly how my situation played out. She decided to move to CA before she dumped me, and between her little sister and her train wreck friend who live out there she has a pretty good support group. Her mother is also quite supportive of her as well. They would always side with her even when what she was saying was clearly wrong. I guess what I am saying is that she made sure to have her bases covered, before she left me. She doesn’t give a sh** about me anymore, because the grass is greener out there.

I am positive that someday she will realize she made a mistake, but she probably will never get back in touch with me because honestly she is just too much of a coward. IF she ever does get back in touch it will probably be some “word salad” type email anyways and I won’t be responding, if she does want to get back together someday I will probably tell her to (as people from the UK say) sod off. I won’t let her or anybody for that matter walk out on me, after I have done so much for her and her family, come back into my life..

I think she has already moved on in her mind and is only thinking about moving to CA, I would be surprised if she even recognized my name anymore. I feel used and walked all over by this heartless b**ch. I am sure that her friends convinced her that this is what she wanted because they are newly single as well, and misery wants company. She took me and how good I was to her for granted.

Her loss.

[stillafool]

That's hard to do when dumpers feed you standard BS lines... "it's not you, it's me..." Lesson: it's him?

 

 

That is even more reason to move on. They are just telling you that "it's not you, it's me..." to try to make you feel better. They just want out and will say anything to get out. It's time to move on.

[EricaH329]

Fist of all, this has nothing to do with your particular situation, but thinking about what you said made me think that in our days, all this extensive socializing has a huge impact on our lives. With all the temptations everywhere, we become lazier, unwilling to "save" relationships, we thrive for happiness and, when the moment is gone, we just bail out. Because it's just easier, we're used to doing this and most importantly there's always something better out there.

 

Maybe, we should show a little more patience towards what we've got. Just a thought.

 

Generally speaking, I agree with you. We do need to tough things out. It's a part of life. Nothing is going to be easy, it all takes work.

 

However, would you give this same advice to someone who is being physically abused? What about being cheated on?

 

Where does the line get crossed? To everyone, it's something different. I understand there are certain things that need to be toughed out. Jobs, living situations, financial situations, etc. Those things are already difficult enough to deal with.

 

Now my main question comes into play. Why would you remain in a relationship (whether platonic or romantic) when it adds nothing but negativity to your life? Why would you choose to be more miserable than needed?

 

Personally, as a dumper, I don't see it as breaking up with him to get with someone better. I know it'll happen eventually, but when it gets to the point when you would rather be alone than with this other person, there are certain considerations that need to be made. Outweighing the good and the bad. Putting things into perspective.

 

So while I don't believe in doing things as a quick-fix, I do believe in doing things for the long-term. Long term happiness/ healthiness/ sanity.

[FreeheartLover]

I've dumped a lot of guys before, and it's never easy.

The most traumatic one took me over a year and a lot of therapy to "get over" it, and I still have lingering issues with it today, two years later.

I don't think it's ever easier that being the dumpee. The dumper has a choice, the dumpee has no choice, so he/she moves on because they have to. The dumper has to deal with their choice and accept the consequences of their choice to end the relationship, changing an important part of your life.

Usually we dump someone for the right reasons - you weren't on the same page, things weren't wokring out, whatever, there are a million reasons.

[swfc_77]

"It's not necessarily analyzing what went wrong, as much as it is what you believe you did wrong, and what you can do differently/better the next time around."

 

i dont believe i did anything wrong, to be honest.

 

if i did do anything wrong, i cannot begin to work out what that was because 1 day i was told we were not moving forward/no direction then the next she says she's too young.

 

that doesn't add up, she's also trying to blame me for things and i still dont know 100% why.

 

i do believe she has hurt a lot less than i have because -

 

she is a very attractive young girl,

she can get male attention/sex anytime she wants

she lies and does not care about the consiquences

 

i will enter my next relationship having learnt a lot of things about women, i will still treat the next relationship the same as i did my ex, as i dont think i did anything wrong.

 

your suppose to love, support, care for, humour, protect and provide aren't you? whatever the situation.

[FreeheartLover]

Not to mention, dumping someone is hard! It's uncomfortable and hard to express in a way that will end it amicably. It's not pleasant. I've stewed over breaking up with someone for days, weeks, even, and it's just miserable.

[EricaH329]

as i dont think i did anything wrong.

 

Everyone does something wrong. Everyone. What it all comes down to, is what you define as 'wrong'. I could throw a glass at you, and think that what I did wasn't wrong. However, you may feel differently.

 

Aside from the obvious wrong-doings (physical abuse, cheating, etc.) there are subtle things we do, maybe built into our personality, that could be unhealthy or construed as 'wrong'.

 

Some of these could include: Being a pushover, arguing too much, arguing about nothing, taking zero responsibility, romanticizing things, etc. We all have little flaws to us. The quicker we realize these things, the quicker we will be able to learn from them.

[Ajax]

Some of these could include: Being a pushover, arguing too much, arguing about nothing, taking zero responsibility, romanticizing things, etc. We all have little flaws to us. The quicker we realize these things, the quicker we will be able to learn from them.

 

I romanticize things. Didn't realize it was wrong.

[ByMyselfForNow]

Physical abuse and cheating are special cases and in that situation I believe everybody knows what to do.

 

I was referring to the "usual" GIGS syndrome or transition from the honeymoon stage of the relationship or falling out of love due to tempatations. When you imply that the dumpee ALWAYS thinks that the breakup happened because the dumper didn't care about 'saving' the relationship, maybe there's a big communication issue between the 2 of you and a just a tiny selfishness problem on the dumpers part. But.. it takes two to make relationships work.

 

It all depends how you look at it, maybe you see the breakup as a search for the long term happiness/healthiness/sanity that MIGHT be and maybe the dumpee sees it as a lack of commitment from your part.

 

I was just wondering what happened to the social stability our grand-grand-parents had 100 years ago..

[EricaH329]

I romanticize things. Didn't realize it was wrong.

 

I'm using the word 'wrong' lightly. Some people may find it a flaw in others, while some may not find it a problem at all.

 

Personally, I find romanticizing things to be unhealthy. You are perceiving reality in a way that is not actual. Just like fantasizing. Some of it is OK, but on a regular basis, it could become unhealthy and destructive to ones behaviour and/or actions.

 

That's just my personal opinion on that specific characteristic, though. Not everyone sees it that way.

[cj2]

Everyone does something wrong. Everyone. What it all comes down to, is what you define as 'wrong'. I could throw a glass at you, and think that what I did wasn't wrong. However, you may feel differently.

 

Aside from the obvious wrong-doings (physical abuse, cheating, etc.) there are subtle things we do, maybe built into our personality, that could be unhealthy or construed as 'wrong'.

 

Some of these could include: Being a pushover, arguing too much, arguing about nothing, taking zero responsibility, romanticizing things, etc. We all have little flaws to us. The quicker we realize these things, the quicker we will be able to learn from them.

 

Yeah I totally agree and I think it's an important part of improving yourself and growing to spend some time thinking it over and acknowledging what you did that was considered wrong. That way you can take those lessons and apply them in your next relationship, hopefully resulting in more success.

 

I know I did everything to the best of my ability at the time in my relationship, but looking back, I know there are things that I would do differently if in the same situation next time..

[EricaH329]

Physical abuse and cheating are special cases and in that situation I believe everybody knows what to do.

 

I was referring to the "usual" GIGS syndrome or transition from the honeymoon stage of the relationship or falling out of love due to tempatations. When you imply that the dumpee ALWAYS thinks that the breakup happened because the dumper didn't care about 'saving' the relationship, maybe there's a big communication issue between the 2 of you and a just a tiny selfishness problem on the dumpers part. But.. it takes two to make relationships work.

 

It all depends how you look at it, maybe you see the breakup as a search for the long term happiness/healthiness/sanity that MIGHT be and maybe the dumpee sees it as a lack of commitment from your part.

 

I was just wondering what happened to the social stability our grand-grand-parents had 100 years ago..

 

What about emotionally abusive or destructive? Unhealthy relationships? Relationships that have nothing to do with communication, and more to do with how two people are compatible? Can we force that? Should we try?

 

In the end, we are the only ones we have. Ourselves. Personally, at the end of my life, i'd like to say that I was surrounded by people who genuinely loved me (and proved so, through actions) and was happy with the relationships in my life, rather than saying I pushed through all the miserable relationships which inevitably made me lose out on time being happy.

 

There's just so far someone will go, so far someone will push, until they are pushed too far. Everyone has a limit.

[ByMyselfForNow]

There's just so far someone will go, so far someone will push, until they are pushed too far. Everyone has a limit.

 

That's where I wanted to get to with that.

 

I believe that we reach that limit much more faster now. Do you believe our ancestors led a miserable life due to the lack of "options" that we have nowadays? I don't think so.

[EricaH329]

That's where I wanted to get to with that.

 

I believe that we reach that limit much more faster now. Do you believe our ancestors led a miserable life due to the lack of "options" that we have nowadays? I don't think so.

 

Actually, I do believe that's exactly the case. Back when divorce wasn't common, people would stay married forever. That doesn't mean they were happy. And personally, i'd hate to spend my life being unhappy.

 

I believe every relationship is a stepping stone. One that improves who you are, up until the day you die. You are constantly learning new things about yourself, and the people you want to be around. And, hopefully, you are able to give the same realizations to the others involved in your life.

[Leandro]

Actually, I do believe that's exactly the case. Back when divorce wasn't common, people would stay married forever. That doesn't mean they were happy. And personally, i'd hate to spend my life being unhappy.

That's true. They also couldn't get a divorce so fast. Also, women didn't work so they couldn't live on their own and take care of the kids. Today they can and will. Society wasn't ok with it like they are today. Many couples weren't happy back in the day. Many still aren't today.

[alimpo83]

It's much easier for the dumper.

 

My ex dumped me when apparently we were at the best phase of our relationship. She played very very sad and cried a lot when we broke up, the next day she went out with her new friends,, got really drunk, even kissed girls (I saw it on facebook). About until a month after we broke up, she posted on facebook she was still facing the consequences of her actions concerning me, but had the support of her girlfriends. But if she felt that bad, why did she break up? She did it because everyone knew I was a great boyfriend who always treated her very nicely. We always talked about everything, tried to solve things out, but apparently she lost interest.

 

What about emotionally abusive or destructive? Unhealthy relationships? Relationships that have nothing to do with communication, and more to do with how two people are compatible? Can we force that? Should we try?

 

In the end, we are the only ones we have. Ourselves. Personally, at the end of my life, i'd like to say that I was surrounded by people who genuinely loved me (and proved so, through actions) and was happy with the relationships in my life, rather than saying I pushed through all the miserable relationships which inevitably made me lose out on time being happy.

 

There's just so far someone will go, so far someone will push, until they are pushed too far. Everyone has a limit.

 

I think when you go very far, like I did with my ex, wanting to live together, get married, have kids, growing old together (and all this was SHE who started talking about) you have sometimes to sacrifice a little, and work things out. You don't dump who always loved you, wanted you, helped you when you were depressed, made you a better person. We never really argued. She was already a part of my family and I a part of hers. That was what I did for her, and when she got where she wanted, she dumped me. When everything is like this and you dump someone, it's a case of RESPONSABILITY, facing the consequences of her actions, which she continues not to assume. It's true, she just ran away (and almost literally, as she tried to work outside the country, on the first few days after the breakup, and she didn't want to face the reaction of everyone around her). A relationship is not something unilateral, it's meant to be TWO persons together, and your actions will affect the other, always! Running away is just selfish, to say the least. It's GIGS, and it's sad. Always searching for something better will get you no where, and to solitude in the end.