lanky00 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Unhealthy relationships? Relationships that have nothing to do with communication, and more to do with how two people are compatible? Can we force that? Should we try? I understand what you are saying in a broad sense and reading your post think you have a very grounded approach. Just curious about the 'Compatible' part. This is mainly because my ex gf used this exact word and 5 months on I'm still trying to find the answer to in what way I was incompatible? Especially when we talk about learning from the experience and being wiser moving into another relationship. Trouble is the word isn't tangible. If it was because she no longer found me attractive then fine, it would be tough but at least I'd know or maybe it was our beliefs, goals etc? No I know you can't answer this but its the last piece of the jigsaw for me to be a better person or to recognise in the future and because she's moved on (Which I'm now fine with.) I'm unlikely to get an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Unhealthy relationships? Relationships that have nothing to do with communication, and more to do with how two people are compatible? Can we force that? Should we try? I understand what you are saying in a broad sense and reading your post think you have a very grounded approach. Just curious about the 'Compatible' part. This is mainly because my ex gf used this exact word and 5 months on I'm still trying to find the answer to in what way I was incompatible? Especially when we talk about learning from the experience and being wiser moving into another relationship. Trouble is the word isn't tangible. If it was because she no longer found me attractive then fine, it would be tough but at least I'd know or maybe it was our beliefs, goals etc? No I know you can't answer this but its the last piece of the jigsaw for me to be a better person or to recognise in the future and because she's moved on (Which I'm now fine with.) I'm unlikely to get an answer. I'm sorry you're dealing with what you are When I wrote that post, I had a couple of things in mind, as to what 'compatible' means. Also, I must stress that all of this is only my opinion. When two people get together, their emotions sometimes over rule logic. They look passed 'red flags' or certain aspects of a person they wouldn't normally be attracted to, because of all the lovey-dovey emotions (honeymoon phase). Once everything settles, they are able to see this other person for their flaws and all. Sometimes, people will realize that they really aren't compatible with this other person. Which is when it starts to go down hill. The other aspect I was thinking about, is the fact that people do grow and/or change. It is an inevitable part of life. When a person changes, usually, their 'standards' end up changing with them. This can also cause another person to fit into the 'incompatible' area. Keep in mind, none of these things have to do with you per se. Not everyone is going to be compatible with you (not you specifically, in general). I understand the pain that comes along with that knowledge, especially after having invested so much into another person. But, it is a part of life. We can only do what's best for us at that point, which is to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Leandro Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I still think it's different for each dumper. It's probably easy for most but not ALL. I know my ex didn't care and that it was easier for her, but that doesn't mean it's the same for all. Link to post Share on other sites
lanky00 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I do see what you mean EricaH. Very well worded and of course its your opinion as you rightly say. Its just part of me striving to understand why it all change so quickly, after all I treated her right with respect & love but sometimes and in her words 'Its just not enough.' Its more to do with learning how this can be avoided in future. I'm not blaming myself or her just someone who likes to grow wiser with answers. Cheers for the reply. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Never been a dumper, but I would imagine that it depends on the circumstances of the breakup. One of my best friends dumped his last gf, and at the end of the relationship, not only had he fallen out of love, if he was ever in love with her to begin with, but I think he actively disliked her as a person, and he said he felt so much better and happier immediately after he dumped her. My cousin, on the other hand, was telling me about one of his experiences as a dumper, and how bad he felt about dumping his ex because she was a good person and he still cared about her and knew that he was going to hurt her. He just felt that it wouldn't work out long-term and he needed to end things. Every relationship is different. There is no universal law to how dumpers feel or process their decision to end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
angelboots Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 when i "dumped" my ex fiancée it tore me apart for weeks before i had the courage to actually say the words "its over". We were both very much in an unhealthy relationship and were far to comfortable in the way things were to ever accomplish anything the way we wanted to with our children ( mine from a previous relationship and hes from a previous relationship) We were very much in love and very much respected each other completely. But I had always wanted to study and work in an industry that would mean a lot of time and attention away from the home and he really wanted an at home wife type. It was something i was prepared to do but when you have a passion sometimes it conflicts with other harmonious aspects with in a persons life and i did feel "incomplete" not following my dream. Telling him it was over was crushing and it didnt happen instantly... I brought up the fact i wanted to go back to school, i talked to him about why i wanted this career, we tried to negotiate but neither of us was prepared to back down. He took it hard and went into a depressive cycle and i went NC on him after we had said all that could be said atleast three times over. I had moments of weakness where i wanted to go back or reply to hes messages. Knowing he was hurting was hurting me too and sometimes (often) i would cry. Real love, BIG love, between two people doesnt ever fully die or just "shut off" sometimes things just need to change or people do just grow in different directions. He is getting married this May and part of me did hurt hearing this, maybe just my ego lol but the bigger part is so happy he has healed and moved on and found what he was looking for. We aren't in contact though we did speak briefly at Christmas when we randomly ran into each other in the supermarket and we were both happy to know we made the right choices. My studies and career are taking me to heights i never even imagined they would... and he has hes stay at home wifey type. I have also broken up with people in the past and felt nothing but relief. It depends on the relationship, the genuine emotions felt and the way each party holds themselves together during the grief stages. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 That's hard to do when dumpers feed you standard BS lines... "it's not you, it's me..." Lesson: it's him? All of my lessons (your love will stop loving you but continue to say he loves you; he will not talk to you about how he's feeling but will blindside you by dumping you; he lied to you for a long time as he detached from you, while living with you, etc.) seem like they will not be good to take to my next relationship. I can totally relate to this aswell. My ex refused to talk to me and out of the blue dumped me by phone. Then when I asked why, he insulted me via text. What am I supposed to learn from that? I didn't do anything wrong. I was a goodgirlfriend and NEVER cheated. Why shouldn't he have to deal with the breakup aswell? Instead of being a complete coward, blaming EVERYTHING on me and leaving me high and dry. Link to post Share on other sites
usagi Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I can totally relate to this aswell. My ex refused to talk to me and out of the blue dumped me by phone. Then when I asked why, he insulted me via text. What am I supposed to learn from that? I didn't do anything wrong. I was a goodgirlfriend and NEVER cheated. Why shouldn't he have to deal with the breakup aswell? Instead of being a complete coward, blaming EVERYTHING on me and leaving me high and dry. I think you learnt he was a bit of a d**k, he didn't respect you and that you can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
lanky00 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Can relate and sympathize with you as it was a similar experience with me. Your left like a rabbit in the headlights thinking what just happened, after all I invested and gave to them and they have the nerve to blame it on you. The more I untangle the mess the more I see it was there insecurities that were coming out as a lot of people project when blaming or criticizing, Meaning really there the ones who are feeling that way about themselves. As people say its all part of this messed up journey and the more we understand the more it becomes apparent how they are completely different to you viewed them at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Questionis Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Its hard to dump someone...but if you stay together till you hate them its not good either. No easy way. Some of the guys I have had to dump, I can see them moved on and I am still pining for them. Link to post Share on other sites
i made a mess Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 As a dumper/CP, I can tell you that the first man I ever broke up with was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Hurting someone that you love, that you've got many wonderful memories with but you know deep down that it's just never going to work (I want to get married and have kids and he didn't want that) is really tough. You have to break it to them so gently, and really take the time to think about what you'll say, when you'll say it, and how you can still be there to help them through that difficult time. In my most recent relationship, I was suffering from the residual effects of the previous b/f that was a narcissist. I had no self esteem, I didn't believe that this amazing guy could possibly love me after it was beat into my head that I was unloveable so I'd run when we got to close. It killed me to be hurting him and to this day I am kicking myself in the ass for ruining a once in a lifetime relationship. I'm riddled with guilt for how I treated him, always leaving, coming back, leaving, etc. I long for him, he consumes my every thought, meanwhile, 2 mos later, he's out on a dating website already trying to move on and it's breaking my heart to pieces. So depending on the situation/relationship, I don't think that it can be a blanket statement that it's easier for dumpers to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I know my ex didn't care about me at all. I had to push just to get an explaination, as to why I was being dumped. Then he called me crazy because I wanted an explaination. I mean, we dated almost a year for christ sake. Didn't I deserve something? He hasn't contacted me even once since we brokeup. I was completely devasted. Plus he poisoned our friends and no one would tell me what the **** was going on. I never did find out. So yeah, I do think ABSOLUTLEY that the dumpers have an easier time. It makes me so angry. I got screwed over, but I'm the one that lost all the friends. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) In my experience, many dumpers hit a lull at some point. They may move on first, but there comes a time when they question if they did the right thing. They may not act on it--though some surely do--but they often experience doubt/hurt/regret later. By that time, the dumpees are over it. It's happened once to me. Once to my girlfriend. Two male friends of mine dumped their girls. They had a blast at first, felt free as birds. Right or wrong, after the novelty wore off, they questioned their decisions. One contacted his ex. The other did not though he thinks of her fondly to this day. Edited February 5, 2011 by cerridwen Link to post Share on other sites
wbr4p Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 yep its easy as pie for them, very easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I agree that it really depends on the naturee of the relationship and the subsequent break up. However, in my breakup, it was definitley easier for my ex. She had the whole G.I.G.S thing going on. It seems to me that after a very short grieving period (It only happened just over a week ago after 7 and half years together) she's now seen that she's been released from what was preventing her from seeing if the grass really is greener over the fence. She's embraced her new single life with her friends like an excited dog suddenly let off the leash. I think it's helped her that she's slowly started treating me as a friend (it was this that caused me to ask her what was going on, only for her to say it wasn't working anymore) and because of that she's seemed to grieve as you would if a friend was hurt, not a close lover. In her mind I was already a friend by the time of the break up and that made it easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Leandro Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I know my ex didn't care about me at all. I had to push just to get an explaination, as to why I was being dumped. Then he called me crazy because I wanted an explaination. I mean, we dated almost a year for christ sake. Didn't I deserve something? He hasn't contacted me even once since we brokeup. I was completely devasted. Plus he poisoned our friends and no one would tell me what the **** was going on. I never did find out. So yeah, I do think ABSOLUTLEY that the dumpers have an easier time. It makes me so angry. I got screwed over, but I'm the one that lost all the friends. Same thing happen to me. It gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Leandro when does it get better? I still can't make sense of it and feel anger 7 months later Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 It really does just depend. I have dumped and been dumped in the past and got over it quickly. Now this BIG love I have had with my stbx is altogether different. Together 14 years, a small son and tho my heart is in shreds, I know his is too. He had to dump me, my drinking ruined my marriage. There I have admitted it. We were always on the same page in every way and had so many good times and hopes and dreams. He does not want his new life as he has lost everything and all because of me. He is broken too but I know he had no choice. So I am getting help and going to get healthy and fit, if not for him ever to return then for another relationship. And my son of course. Because I know there will be another, I am attractive, not when drunk, intelligent and good company and have never been without a man. So it is not always easy for the dumper, he has walked away from everything inc his boy and it has broken him too. He is as ill as I am. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) So I am getting help and going to get healthy and fit, if not for him ever to return then for another relationship. And my son of course. Because I know there will be another, I am attractive, not when drunk, intelligent and good company and have never been without a man. I always admire resilience and people who take responsibility. It's just so...brave...and admirable. I'm pulling for ya Tobydog! In terms of the OP, I'm noticing my most recent ex is moving on pretty easily. He dumped me but like Tobydog, I'm seeing I gave him plenty of reason to. So, the more ammo you give them to dump you, the easier the leaving I suppose. Edited February 7, 2011 by cerridwen Link to post Share on other sites
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