justaname Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 maybe the worst part about being an OM is living in fear, when you text her and she doesn't text back, that she's either freaked out or been found out. or the strange feelings after she leaves. when she's there, everything feels right and ok. when she's not? everything feels lonely and heavy. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 No the worst part is the humiliation of being "the other man". Link to post Share on other sites
Author justaname Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 huh. i don't find that humiliating at all. i do find this forum to be generally bitter. Link to post Share on other sites
blinded_27 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 ^ No worries, correct me if I'm wrong but I think East was also an OM? (unless I'm thinking of someone else here...) I don't think that was intentional And yeah, I agree... that anxiety of "whyyyyyyyyyyyy aren't they answering"... it's an awful feeling. You go from being held up on a pedestal as the one they love and adore to being a door mat and having your feelings completely ignored. It's a horrible thing to have to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone Link to post Share on other sites
half_ofa_heart Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 And yeah, I agree... that anxiety of "whyyyyyyyyyyyy aren't they answering"... it's an awful feeling. You go from being held up on a pedestal as the one they love and adore to being a door mat and having your feelings completely ignored. It's a horrible thing to have to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone The whole thing is humiliating... all except for the time we spend together. But as in most A's, that time is few and far between thus leaving you feeling foolish and used. Yet, here we are, still doing the same self mutilating thing in hopes of the next high that comes with the stolen moments. I hate being in an A and wish I had never entered into it but don't know how to get out of it. I too wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 huh. i don't find that humiliating at all. i do find this forum to be generally bitter. Yet here you are posting with all the bitter people. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 maybe the worst part about being an OM is living in fear, when you text her and she doesn't text back, that she's either freaked out or been found out. or the strange feelings after she leaves. when she's there, everything feels right and ok. when she's not? everything feels lonely and heavy. That must be a horribly insecure feeling to have most of the time in between those rare, stolen moments of being on top of the world..... ....a kind of torture awaiting the crumbs of affection and time together. I believe love does not hurt, does not make someone fearful or insecure. Love should be shouted from the rooftops, not be forced to live in the shadows. True love, to me, makes confident, supports, and lifts up the object of it's affection. Are you okay with these painful feelings? And the next question to ask yourself is why? Is this what love feels like to you? And then the next question is, why is that so? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 maybe the worst part about being an OM is living in fear, when you text her and she doesn't text back, that she's either freaked out or been found out. or the strange feelings after she leaves. when she's there, everything feels right and ok. when she's not? everything feels lonely and heavy. Let me ask you then, is it worth it? The fear, the pain, the wonder, the loneliness and the possibility of a D-day and the affair completely ending? What are you getting out of this to stick around and be second fiddle to another man's wife? Link to post Share on other sites
starlight102 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 huh. i don't find that humiliating at all. i do find this forum to be generally bitter. Yes, that's true. What you describe occurs quite often here. The majority of the time I read the posts from OW to gain their perspective and how they deal with various issues. I find some of the posters helpful and their messages thought provoking. However, for the BS who post in response to those of us who are the OW/OM, I find their responses to be extremely resentful towards all OW/OM even though it has nothing personally to do with them. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Yes, that's true. What you describe occurs quite often here. The majority of the time I read the posts from OW to gain their perspective and how they deal with various issues. I find some of the posters helpful and their messages thought provoking. However, for the BS who post in response to those of us who are the OW/OM, I find their responses to be extremely resentful towards all OW/OM even though it has nothing personally to do with them. As someone already pointed out, East isn't a BS, he was an OM. He was just giving his own experience - he doesn't like to share. Justaname disagrees and thinks the fear and strange feelings are worse. Everyone is different. It's not a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 huh. i don't find that humiliating at all. i do find this forum to be generally bitter. I'm very sorry that is the tone that is projected now. You are posting in a forum with people who are in different stages of their R's. And everyone has different personalities. The best way to handle it is to put posters on ignore that you don't find any value in their posts. And don't respond to posters you don't want to. You don't have to answer anyone's questions. When I was in the A I didn't post much about my personal situation. I found it was bad for the R. I discussed generalities. This forum is for you and others like you. Use it to find support. You will find those who will support you. It is hard when they leave to go home or to work. I remember I was so much better if I knew he was going to work. There was still a void but not as wide. You have to decide if the anxiety and loneliness is worth it to you. ((HUGS)) GEL Link to post Share on other sites
starlight102 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I'm very sorry that is the tone that is projected now. You are posting in a forum with people who are in different stages of their R's. And everyone has different personalities. The best way to handle it is to put posters on ignore that you don't find any value in their posts. And don't respond to posters you don't want to. You don't have to answer anyone's questions. When I was in the A I didn't post much about my personal situation. I found it was bad for the R. I discussed generalities. This forum is for you and others like you. Use it to find support. You will find those who will support you. It is hard when they leave to go home or to work. I remember I was so much better if I knew he was going to work. There was still a void but not as wide. You have to decide if the anxiety and loneliness is worth it to you. ((HUGS)) GEL I just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your messages, and what's more, I like the tone and how you write your messages. I appreciate the things you have to say because you are not harsh, judgmental, or disrespectful. You provide your experience but do so in a polite and understanding manner. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 maybe the worst part about being an OM is living in fear Fear of what? that she's either freaked out Why would she "freak out" that you text her? or been found out. Why would this be a fear? Are you implying that her H may become violent to you or his W? To me, you sound a little TOO dependent on her for YOUR happiness - just the impression I get. Live your life OUTSIDE of her as well - don;t worry so much about what she is or isn't doing at home with her H(?) Link to post Share on other sites
Leto Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I tend to agree. Waiting is hard. But with my MM's line of work, even if I wasn't the OW, I would be in the same boat with the waiting. I don't really worry about the what-ifs, just enjoy the moment. I find the wait is worth it in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyblue Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was always afraid something would happen to him, sickness, car accident, or worse, and I wouldn't know, couldn't be with him. If he didn't contact me at the normal time --- the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach would hit. And then there were the times when I intuitively knew he and his wife were spending "quality time" together, even though he claimed they never did --- my intuition knew better. Another slug to the pit of my stomach. Oh, and yeah, I'm bitter. Link to post Share on other sites
JsSweetPea Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Yet here you are posting with all the bitter people. Some people come here because they have absolutely no one to talk to about their R & they are happy to be able to talk & get everything out. I was excited when I found this forum as I was thinking...FINALLY. Somewhere I can vent about things & talk about my R. Then I read the posts & within an hour that feeling changed. Not everyone who comes here wants advice on how to leave & to hear how stupid they are. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 East... I suspect you have some issues with self confidence and insecurity anyway. Don't know you to say for sure, just a suspicion. Me & my OW are both married. We know contact isn't an "any time you want" option. We know if the other person can answer or respond they will, and if it is not safe or prudent to do so, they won't. ... and, perhaps because we are extremely cautious, we really don't even try except when we pretty much know it's a "safe" time. .... so .... no, I don't feel any insecurity when I don't get an immediate response, or if she doesn't answer the phone. I don't worry that she got busted... I wouldn't send her a text which would appear to be anything if he saw it (I rarely send her texts at all). Perhaps it helps that her and I have been in love for over 30 years. I have no doubts about her love for me. And, generally, I'm not one who worries about much. I tend to let a situation play out, find out what I am dealing with, then go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 maybe the worst part about being an OM is living in fear, when you text her and she doesn't text back, that she's either freaked out or been found out. or the strange feelings after she leaves. when she's there, everything feels right and ok. when she's not? everything feels lonely and heavy. (((((((((hugs))))))))) Seriously JAN, I think possibly it would be good to consider what is going on here. Of course I wouldn't expect you to be the happiest man in the world, although I am concerned about what I bolded...it's not good to stay like this. huh. i don't find that humiliating at all. i do find this forum to be generally bitter. Bitter is an understatement, although there are many good, caring people...just ignore the rest if you can.... Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) As someone already pointed out, East isn't a BS, he was an OM. He was just giving his own experience - he doesn't like to share. Justaname disagrees and thinks the fear and strange feelings are worse. Everyone is different. It's not a big deal. Sorry I haven't been following the thread. (Btw Im fOM) Yes !- I think the worst was to share the woman that I love, to wonder if she was having sex with her H last night - while I was single and not screwing anyone else. I had never had to share a woman before and being OM and the "hidden guy" was just so humiliating. Anyway if JustAname is ok with it, whatever works for him... East... I suspect you have some issues with self confidence and insecurity anyway. Don't know you to say for sure, just a suspicion. :confused: How did you come to that conclusion ??? Please enlighten me ...Or maybe you are confusing me with the Thread poster.. Edited January 19, 2011 by East7 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Some people come here because they have absolutely no one to talk to about their R & they are happy to be able to talk & get everything out. I was excited when I found this forum as I was thinking...FINALLY. Somewhere I can vent about things & talk about my R. Then I read the posts & within an hour that feeling changed. Not everyone who comes here wants advice on how to leave & to hear how stupid they are. Public board, public opinions..take what you can use and leave the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 maybe the worst part about being an OM is living in fear, when you text her and she doesn't text back, that she's either freaked out or been found out. Sorry that you're living in fear due to this A. Its funny, I never had the Fear when I was involved in an A. I wouldn't have minded it if she found out about me and (now) xMM. What bugged me the most about texts not being returned when I was expecting them was that I thought he was our with her and their kids - that hurt me to think about. (I know it shouldn't have because I was the 3rd wheel, but according to him, he loved me and was just with her cuz of the kids) or the strange feelings after she leaves. when she's there, everything feels right and ok. when she's not? everything feels lonely and heavy. Oh, I so understand that feeling and my heart goes out to you. It really is the most empty/painful feeling there is. After a while, I just couldn't take it. And the thing is, its not like I wasn't dating and trying to find a more suitable person when I was in the A - they just never compared to him and the feelings I had for him. That feeling when you're together is the craziest thing ever - and its what has you holding on, just to get another fix. I'm sorry you're so hurt when she's not there and that you're worried about the A being found out. If I hadn't walked in your shoes, I'd be wondering why you're putting yourself through all this - but I do understand.. Did she mention any plans of getting out of her M, or is this A kinda an indefinite thing with no plans of ever becoming a real R? Link to post Share on other sites
Author justaname Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) she being with him doesn't bother me. it's not a competition. and we spend a lot of time together -- sanctioned time. our surface relationship is such that we're expected to hang out quite a bit, and it's hard to even say if we've crossed any physical lines yet. we have and haven't. maybe that's part of the strange feelings, too, the incompleteness. i've heard so much from a few people how bad a situation this sort of thing could be, but no one i trust has been involved -- or admits to having been involved -- in anything like it, so i'm here to try to make more sense of it. i guess i'm worried that this might end in the loss of a close friend, so any hint of sudden distance is what scares me. and of course i'm worried about repercussions if it comes to the surface that we're more than close friends, for her and the people she loves. but this thing has been like a slowly rolling juggernaut. and because we're able to be affectionate with each other around the people we know, i guess it's not as sad or heavy as it could be. those who suspect there are feelings know that we're "good" people and assume that we're ignoring them. and most of the time i feel like we're doing the best we can, which wouldn't be good enough. And the thing is, its not like I wasn't dating and trying to find a more suitable person when I was in the A - they just never compared to him and the feelings I had for him. That feeling when you're together is the craziest thing ever - and its what has you holding on, just to get another fix. Did she mention any plans of getting out of her M, or is this A kinda an indefinite thing with no plans of ever becoming a real R? - exactly - exactly - we try not talk about pragmatics. Edited January 19, 2011 by justaname Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyblue Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Sorry I haven't been following the thread. (Btw Im fOM) Yes !- I think the worst was to share the woman that I love, to wonder if she was having sex with her H last night - while I was single and not screwing anyone else. I had never had to share a woman before and being OM and the "hidden guy" was just so humiliating. Anyway if JustAname is ok with it, whatever works for him... Yes, that might have been the thing that ripped me the most. in fact, he would make me promise that I would not find someone else. That I would not let another man touch me. Used to tell me how it would kill him if I did. Of course, I was SOOOO in love, I couldn't even think of it, anyway. But gradually, over the years, it began to sink in just how totally unfair that was to me. He - at home with his wife, no matter how "bad" it supposedly was most of the time, they still had each other, while I sat here alone. His plea for me to "wait for him" began to seem more unfair and selfish as the years passed and I lived with empty words and promises. :confused: How did you come to that conclusion ??? Please enlighten me ...Or maybe you are confusing me with the Thread poster.. East7, I'm sure he has you confused with someone else. If there's one man who has his $h*t together right now, it's you. Your A fog is gone, and you see things clearly. Your posts are always very clarifying for me - I always look forward to reading your posts. The poster who made that comment is only 5 months going into his affair fog. I sure remember what I believed at 5 months! LOL Edited January 19, 2011 by Ladyblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author justaname Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 ladyblue, making you promise that is very unfair and cruel. either you're monogamous or you're not. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 she being with him doesn't bother me. it's not a competition. hmmm, that's an interesting way of looking at it, I guess. I never felt that way - It always felt like a competition that I already lost because she has kids with him. But I guess the way you look it is better for you psychologically. i've heard so much from a few people how bad a situation this sort of thing could be, but no one i trust has been involved Well as someone that's been there and knows how painful it could be, I always do feel the urge to warn people and tell them to get out and spare themselves the pain - BUT - I do recognize that not all situations are the same AND that some things we need to learn on our own. i guess i'm worried that this might end in the loss of a close friend, so any hint of sudden distance is what scares me. and of course i'm worried about repercussions if it comes to the surface that we're more than close friends, for her and the people she loves. but this thing has been like a slowly rolling juggernaut. I understand those fears, but at the same time, those are risks you knew going into it. It sucks that it is the way it is, but we end up in the spots we're in due to our choices. - we try not talk about pragmatics. I'm curious : - how long has this A been going on? -Are you not talking about pragmatics because maybe you wont like what you hear? -Do you have wishes of having this ever be more than an A (even if you've never told her)? Link to post Share on other sites
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