maybe the worst part

[Ladyblue]

she being with him doesn't bother me. it's not a competition. and we spend a lot of time together -- sanctioned time. our surface relationship is such that we're expected to hang out quite a bit, and it's hard to even say if we've crossed any physical lines yet. we have and haven't. maybe that's part of the strange feelings, too, the incompleteness.

 

i've heard so much from a few people how bad a situation this sort of thing could be, but no one i trust has been involved -- or admits to having been involved -- in anything like it, so i'm here to try to make more sense of it.

 

i guess i'm worried that this might end in the loss of a close friend, so any hint of sudden distance is what scares me. and of course i'm worried about repercussions if it comes to the surface that we're more than close friends, for her and the people she loves. but this thing has been like a slowly rolling juggernaut.

 

and because we're able to be affectionate with each other around the people we know, i guess it's not as sad or heavy as it could be. those who suspect there are feelings know that we're "good" people and assume that we're ignoring them. and most of the time i feel like we're doing the best we can, which wouldn't be good enough.

 

- we try not talk about pragmatics.

 

Oh. Oh. Now that I have read this, I fear for you. You know things cannot stay this way. It WILL shift one way or the other. You will be found out, in which case people you/she love will be devastated, and your reputations destroyed. Or you will have to be together, in which case people you/she love will be devastated and your reputations destroyed. Or you will both secretly end it, in which case one or both of you will be devastated. Your friendship and the relationship that causes people to expect you to be affectionate will be devastating.

 

You better think long and hard about the pragmatics and the repercussions, because sooner or later, they will rise up to hit you like a cannon ball squarely to your head AND your heart. There is not likely to be a "good" ending. And the longer it goes, the more devastating it will be.

[Ladyblue]

ladyblue, making you promise that is very unfair and cruel. either you're monogamous or you're not.

 

Thank you, Just. When I began to realize that his promises were empty, and that he would not be walking through my door any day now, it did indeed seem cruel. It's what made me able to end it.

[Ladyblue]

Some people come here because they have absolutely no one to talk to about their R & they are happy to be able to talk & get everything out. I was excited when I found this forum as I was thinking...FINALLY. Somewhere I can vent about things & talk about my R. Then I read the posts & within an hour that feeling changed.

 

Not everyone who comes here wants advice on how to leave & to hear how stupid they are.

 

That's true. When I was a kid and had pneumonia, the doctor gave me injections which were quite painful, and my mother gave me liquid medicine which was horribly bitter. It was painful and unpleasant, and I didn't want any of it, but they did it because they loved me, knew it was what I needed, and wanted to help me.

 

Same thing here. When someone offers their experience, or what they believe is truth or wisdom about a situation, they do so because they believe it is in the best interests of the OP. Sometimes what we need is painful. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Edited January 19, 2011 by Ladyblue

[justaname]

Oh. Oh. Now that I have read this, I fear for you. You know things cannot stay this way. It WILL shift one way or the other. You will be found out, in which case people you/she love will be devastated, and your reputations destroyed. Or you will have to be together, in which case people you/she love will be devastated and your reputations destroyed. Or you will both secretly end it, in which case one or both of you will be devastated. Your friendship and the relationship that causes people to expect you to be affectionate will be devastated.

 

That's some bitter medicine. Just like legalizing drugs would end so much violence, acceptance that people just aren't supposed to be monogamous would

fix situations like this.

 

Thinking about pragmatics just wouldn't do any good, because you can't tell yourself not to feel things. Theoretically there's NC, but I couldn't, and it would be strange for observers as well.

[SoMovinOn]

:confused:

How did you come to that conclusion ??? Please enlighten me ...Or maybe you are confusing me with the Thread poster..

 

Yes, I did confuse you with the OP. Didn't scroll up quite far enough. DOH! Sorry. : )

 

Yes, Justaname... I suspect your insecurity in this situation may at least partially be simply indicative of you having issues with self esteem and insecurity in general.

[justaname]

Yes, Justaname... I suspect your insecurity in this situation may at least partially be simply indicative of you having issues with self esteem and insecurity in general.

 

I'm secure enough to accept that that's probably true.

[Ladyblue]

Yes, I did confuse you with the OP. Didn't scroll up quite far enough. DOH! Sorry. : )

 

Yes, Justaname... I suspect your insecurity in this situation may at least partially be simply indicative of you having issues with self esteem and insecurity in general.

 

Just A Name Quote: "Theoretically there's NC, but I couldn't, and it would be strange for observers as well."

 

JAN, I'm thinking that, because of comments such as the above that you have made - it would seem strange to observers if you were not affectionate and close with this person - I'm getting the feeling that this is not the run-of-the-mill affair partner, but perhaps a family member/relative/in-law or some situation that makes your A different and more complex that most. I hope for your sake I'm wrong.

 

The fact that people expect the two of you to be close - imagine how awful that would be if/when it ended - whether secretly or as the result of a D-Day. Having to be closely associated after the ending.

 

What is the outcome you hope for here? Or have you gotten that far yet? Do you hope to someday be together full time? Or to keep things as they are?

[justaname]

I'm getting the feeling that this is not the run-of-the-mill affair partner, but perhaps a family member/relative/in-law or some situation that makes your A different and more complex that most.

 

Ew. None of those. Just a really close friend with a huge circle of mutual friends.

 

What is the outcome you hope for here? Or have you gotten that far yet? Do you hope to someday be together full time? Or to keep things as they are?

 

I really don't know.

 

(I'm ducking out of this thread. I don't want to talk about it too much.)

Edited January 19, 2011 by justaname

[East7]

If there's one man who has his $h*t together right now, it's you. Your A fog is gone, and you see things clearly. Your posts are always very clarifying for me - I always look forward to reading your posts. The poster who made that comment is only 5 months going into his affair fog. I sure remember what I believed at 5 months! LOL

 

That's really kind...thanks

 

I guess Justaname is only in the first stages, it doesn't bother him she is married, it takes time to be out of the fog. Maybe one day he will be tired of sharing and look at the big picture instead of longing for some "high moments".

 

Justaname may I suggest you my thread ? The 4 stages of an A:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258673/

[JsSweetPea]

Hey people, this is the OM/OW forum. For you bitter, betrayed people, if you're offended, then don't read. If you don't want to pick a fight, then don't post about how the cheaters here have no self esteem, etc.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! I understand this is a public forum so anyone is free to post but I think some people are on here just to be mean.

[Ladyblue]

Hey people, this is the OM/OW forum. For you bitter, betrayed people, if you're offended, then don't read. If you don't want to pick a fight, then don't post about how the cheaters here have no self esteem, etc.

 

Uh, the one who wrote that about no self esteem is a current MOM, who initially addressed it to a fOM, then to the current MM. if that makes you feel better.

[justaname]

Uh, the one who wrote that about no self esteem is a current MOM, who initially addressed it to a fOM, then to the current MM. if that makes you feel better.

 

no, it was addressed to the OM, who's me. and i have self-esteem. a lot of it. i've dated several people over the emotional course of this and feel like i could be with almost anyone i wanted to be, within reason. but i do worry a lot about everything whenever there's the slightest cause, and i am very insecure, just not about my self-worth.

[starlight102]

Some people come here because they have absolutely no one to talk to about their R & they are happy to be able to talk & get everything out. I was excited when I found this forum as I was thinking...FINALLY. Somewhere I can vent about things & talk about my R. Then I read the posts & within an hour that feeling changed.

 

Not everyone who comes here wants advice on how to leave & to hear how stupid they are.

 

I completely COMPLETELY agree with you!!

[myname]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! I understand this is a public forum so anyone is free to post but I think some people are on here just to be mean.

 

I don't know if this forum's always been like this but there does seem to be a lot of bitter and twisted up people posting just to be nasty, and some very black and white thinking.

 

There's also a thread in infidelity right now where people are sharing the stories of the crazy things they did when they found out about their partner's affair. It's sad, there's some real nastiness, a lot of violence both to objects and people, a sense that it's all fair game and justified punishment and a self-congratulatory feel. And some of these people are still with their WS.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know if this forum's always been like this but there does seem to be a lot of bitter and twisted up people posting just to be nasty, and some very black and white thinking.

 

There's also a thread in infidelity right now where people are sharing the stories of the crazy things they did when they found out about their partner's affair. It's sad, there's some real nastiness, a lot of violence both to objects and people, a sense that it's all fair game and justified punishment and a self-congratulatory feel. And some of these people are still with their WS.

 

 

And not one of those people did anything to harm their WS. It could have gone that way for more than one of us...but we controlled our instinct to lash out at being betrayed, hurt and exposed to diseases that we didn't expose ourselves to. Yes there was some real nastiness. There is nothing about the situation of cheating that is justified. It is the different ways that people react other than cheating. Is it right...you will have to ask each person that. Since the damage I caused was to my joint marital property...what's your point?

 

What's sad is the cowardly actions of people who have little or no guilt about the things they did in the process or perpetrating a lie on their partner.

[pureinheart]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! I understand this is a public forum so anyone is free to post but I think some people are on here just to be mean.

 

Hi JSP,

 

This is the excuse (bold) that is given by those who absolutely have nothing of substance to contribute.

 

I don't know if this forum's always been like this but there does seem to be a lot of bitter and twisted up people posting just to be nasty, and some very black and white thinking.

 

There's also a thread in infidelity right now where people are sharing the stories of the crazy things they did when they found out about their partner's affair. It's sad, there's some real nastiness, a lot of violence both to objects and people, a sense that it's all fair game and justified punishment and a self-congratulatory feel. And some of these people are still with their WS.

 

No, this particular board was supportive at one time...that has changed. There is now a concentrated effort to derail support...think about it, these are possibly the same ones that were surprised when their S found others.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi JSP,

 

This is the excuse (bold) that is given by those who absolutely have nothing of substance to contribute.

 

 

 

No, this particular board was supportive at one time...that has changed. There is now a concentrated effort to derail support...think about it, these are possibly the same ones that were surprised when their S found others.

 

 

Interesting concept "concentrated effort"

[SoMovinOn]

Am I reading things right? Was my comment about low self esteem/insecurity viewed as bitter?

 

If so, I apologize. I have no bitterness about anything that's happened in my life, either as a BS or mOM. I was simply observing if one would so easily feel insecure about a relationship (a delayed or no text response), then one might have an issue with that overall. Thus, the way to deal with it in the relationship would be the same as however you deal with it in all other situations. If nothing else, simply realizing it is just an insecure feeling, not warranted by circumstances.

[Mimolicious]

maybe the worst part about being an OM is living in fear, when you text her and she doesn't text back, that she's either freaked out or been found out.

 

or the strange feelings after she leaves. when she's there, everything feels right and ok. when she's not? everything feels lonely and heavy.

 

Is this really a nice way to live? Ask yourself that. For the sake of what? A halfassed "relationship"?

[bentnotbroken]

Am I reading things right? Was my comment about low self esteem/insecurity viewed as bitter?

 

If so, I apologize. I have no bitterness about anything that's happened in my life, either as a BS or mOM. I was simply observing if one would so easily feel insecure about a relationship (a delayed or no text response), then one might have an issue with that overall. Thus, the way to deal with it in the relationship would be the same as however you deal with it in all other situations. If nothing else, simply realizing it is just an insecure feeling, not warranted by circumstances.

 

 

Yup and then the usual suspects started in on the "bitter" BS who are out to RULE THE WORLD or at least derail this forum.

[Mimolicious]

I don't know if this forum's always been like this but there does seem to be a lot of bitter and twisted up people posting just to be nasty, and some very black and white thinking.

 

There's also a thread in infidelity right now where people are sharing the stories of the crazy things they did when they found out about their partner's affair. It's sad, there's some real nastiness, a lot of violence both to objects and people, a sense that it's all fair game and justified punishment and a self-congratulatory feel. And some of these people are still with their WS.

 

 

The bolded- Uumm... OM/OW do this as well. Isn't it all "Fair Game"? After all, getting involved with someone already committed must be a game, a lot of people seem to be willing to play it. Let's not be hypocrites and let's face reality. There is nothing to celebrate or be chirpy about affairs. That applies to all parties involved. Hence, the OP of this thread. What a way to live...

 

Someone is the process gets seriously hurt and when it's not someone riding the bangwagon they are called "bitter". OP, you'll be a tad bit "bitter" in not time as well. Wasting your precious life, feeling this low all for the sake of another man's wife. Find yourself a single chick. It's not that hard!

[Spark1111]

The bolded- Uumm... OM/OW do this as well. Isn't it all "Fair Game"? After all, getting involved with someone already committed must be a game, a lot of people seem to be willing to play it. Let's not be hypocrites and let's face reality. There is nothing to celebrate or be chirpy about affairs. That applies to all parties involved. Hence, the OP of this thread. What a way to live...

 

Someone is the process gets seriously hurt and when it's not someone riding the bangwagon they are called "bitter". OP, you'll be a tad bit "bitter" in not time as well. Wasting your precious life, feeling this low all for the sake of another man's wife. Find yourself a single chick. It's not that hard!

 

Law enforcement claim that 85% of ALL homicides are due to jealousy: whether over money, drugs, or your partner stepping out on you.

 

Think about that. And manslaughter is a term of law used to describe someone so enraged or devastated or unable to control their emotions that they do not pre-meditate their actions.

 

I am frequently amazed that more people do not act crazy when they discover infidelity.

 

That's not bitter. That is emotional devastation to the point of experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a spinning out of control emotionally, physically and intellectually.

 

And I did not find this forum bitter at all. It is a very unusual claim, especially since the majority of posters were OM/OW.

[Mimolicious]

Law enforcement claim that 85% of ALL homicides are due to jealousy: whether over money, drugs, or your partner stepping out on you.

 

Think about that. And manslaughter is a term of law used to describe someone so enraged or devastated or unable to control their emotions that they do not pre-meditate their actions.

 

I am frequently amazed that more people do not act crazy when they discover infidelity.

 

That's not bitter. That is emotional devastation to the point of experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a spinning out of control emotionally, physically and intellectually.

 

And I did not find this forum bitter at all. It is a very unusual claim, especially since the majority of posters were OM/OW.

 

The bolded- Who you telling?! Like this is something I don't know about. Look up the % of "passion crimes". They are alarming! Yet, people want to live in a world of unicorns, rainbows and little red flying things . It's ridiculous that adults behave in such an irresponsible way, exposing each others to disease, emotional and physical pain. Oh wait, I forgot ... it's because they found "amazing" and all for the sake of "love".

 

GTFO! This aint Shakespear times.

[xxoo]

i guess i'm worried that this might end in the loss of a close friend, so any hint of sudden distance is what scares me. and of course i'm worried about repercussions if it comes to the surface that we're more than close friends, for her and the people she loves. but this thing has been like a slowly rolling juggernaut.

 

and because we're able to be affectionate with each other around the people we know, i guess it's not as sad or heavy as it could be. those who suspect there are feelings know that we're "good" people and assume that we're ignoring them. and most of the time i feel like we're doing the best we can, which wouldn't be good enough.

 

This worries me, because it seems highly likely that it WILL end in the loss of a close friend. Or in the the loss of many friends, once the affair comes to light.

 

It sounds like you hold her in very high regard, to be worth the risks. If you take a hard look, and consider the choices she's made, do you think she is has good potential for a partner outside the obvious chemistry that you share? Is chemistry (that rush you get when you are with someone) enough to risk a whole group of friends?

[steelknife]

the hardest part for me was, and i still thnk about it and give me nightmare. is that how he can always walk away from me when my the alloted time he has for me is up. whether in a motel room. or in the car. or anywhere, he can walk away from me.

the perils of being the other person in a mm/mw. what a joke. truth be told, from where i am now. i am trying so hard to heal. but it will take a wee while..

keep hanging on.. hugs