How can I tell my REALLY socially awkward friend to straighten up before he moves?

[U1987]

So a close friend, whom I've been gradually growing apart from over the past year, dropped out of college and is moving back home with his family across the country in a week, (possibly to enroll in a college around there in a year as well, he told me).

 

He says it's because he's grown apart from most of his friends here, doesn't have a job or even much of a social life, hasn't had a girlfriend in years and wants a chance to begin anew in a new place. The thing is, he's always been really socially awkward (saying and doing things that put off other people) and I know that's the reason why, but I've never really had the heart or the courage to tell him what to do to straighten up his act.

 

We've known each other since high school. I went to public school, but his family moved around a lot for business so they left him in a pretty secluded private boys school in my town, so I think that's what accounts for his social awkwardness; growing up, he never learned how to socialize with girls or people outside that group (he also went through a goth and emo phase). Still, the things he's said and done have been really embarrassing, for him and for me, and I can admit, I see why people have been drifting for him.

 

For one thing, he casually tosses around AIDS, nazi and rape jokes, not understanding that people might be offended by it. Granted, young guys have a crude sense of humor, but still that's something you only share with guys you know really well; he'll say them infront of girls.

 

He doesn't abstain from cursing, even if there are children close by. He's been kicked out of a movie theater arcade and a restaurant because of it.

 

He also extensively uses inside-jokes with his friends but infront of casual acquaintances and new people as well, not realizing that they're not going to know what he's talking about or find it funny.

 

He's also chronically, persistently late for anything and everything. I've learned that if I want him to be someplace at 5:00, I have to tell him to be there at 4:00. Still, other people who have made plans with him didn't figure that out and frequently got upset at him.

 

Despite being late, he has a tendency to push plans on someone really last minute (like, the day or night of the said plan) and get upset with them if they can't because they already had pre-established plans.

 

He's also a really sore loser. He once signed up for a campus event called "Karaoke Idol," which was basically a parody of American Idol; kids go up and sing and either get praised or berated by the judges. Everyone expected to get ripped on like Simon Cowell does to contestants; that's part of the humor of the show, but my friend chose a song which I had warned was too difficult, too long and too far out of his voice range. Needless to say, he sung terribly, and the judges started ripping on him humorously. He started arguing with the judges up on stage, which was really embarrassing to watch.

 

He also signed up for a battle-of-the-bands and also insisted, last minute, on playing a song that his band-mates said was too difficult and too fast for them to play. He started playing anyway, fumbled the song and they lost. He then wrote on his facebook and a letter to the school paper that the contest was "rigged." I was like "Dude, seriously? You're that much of a sore loser?"

 

The biggest annoyance of all is that when he finally does meet a girl who can look past all these social faux-pas, he doesn't make a move; he's one of those guys who'll try to be "friends first," talk to and hang out with the girl for months and months, talk about her constantly, and when he finally makes a move after months, he doesn't understand why she declines; that he had his chance, he didn't take it, she lost interest and moved on to something else. He does this over and over and over again with girls and never makes a move quick and early.

 

All of these things have made hanging out with him a chore; when I do, I'm always afraid of the risk of potential social embarrassment on his part, which is why, and I suspect many others, have been growing apart from him recently. I guess moving back home and getting a chance to start anew would be a great opportunity, and I do want him to thrive and be happy. The thing is, I really don't think he knows what he's doing wrong, and I'm afraid that when he moves, he's going to repeat all the same mistakes there and end up where he is now. How can I sensitively and non-confrontationally tell him how to straighten up his act before he moves away forever?

Edited January 19, 2011 by U1987

[bubbles5]

hey there

 

First thing dont try to give your friend advice now. Bcos its not at all good time for him what he is going through. He has screwed up his career , social life etc,

So at this time if you pin point all his mistakes then he will surely get more apart frm you and upset by you.

First let him, move to another place where he is going to start out fresh again. Let him settle down , bcos right now even if you are concerned abt your friend but your friend may percieve things in a very wrong way,

all you do right now is TALK LESS AND HEAR HIM n BE THERE FOR HIM despite he being in his bad behaviour. Once his life gets settle you can talk to him.You have to keep patience.

When time comes you should talk to him indirectly. like wise give some 3rd person example that is having all similar problem that your friend's facing through.

or you can write it down in email or in letter form.

 

one important thing dont just try to tell your friend all negative qualities that he possese at once that will surely make him apart frm you bcos he might wonder where all this came from that too all of sudden.

And also sort it out personally, not with other frnds around or family member that wil embaress him or he might get aggressive.

Right now just let your friend settle first.

 

i am telling you cos I have gone through this with my best frnd n ultimately things have been different since then.

 

Hope it works 4 u.

[beerman101]

Let him move and just be a friend for him. I would say if he was staying in the same town as you then maybe explain and give him examples of how is screwing up,it would help if a few people explained that to him at once. I wouldn't email or do the 3rd person example. Either say nothing or wait a month or two an check up on him,then give him advice in a polite way . If he doesn't want to accept it move on,he may appreciate what you said i the future,when he fails again.

 

Maybe say listen man you are a good friend and good a lot of good qualties but the other **** is really causing you grief. I hate to lecture you but I'm doing it out love and then I would give some examples. Even if it screws up your friendship it can help him in the future. Someone I knew had the same issues with girls and he was somewhat socially awkward. He was happy because some nice pretty girl was chilling with him but another person told him to go in for the kill. A third person all knew slept with girl and we all found out afterwards. The other dude said see man he was aggressive and look what happened.

Edited January 28, 2011 by beerman101