Feeling Devastated by Partner's Financial Deception

[BlueberryBanana]

Ugh... where to begin.

 

My partner lives with his family (even though he's 27, which is not unusual where we live, one of the most expensive cities in the world). I own my own small apartment. We have been together for 9 years. Although we don't live together, we lead our lives together and are very committed to one another. We had plans to buy a home together last year but I lost my job and for now we are staying in this situation for financial reasons.

 

He stays with me about half the time.

 

I just want to state up front that although we are not married, I love him very much and breaking up with him would not be 'no big deal' or anything. I've been married once before and I did not feel for him the way I do about my partner.

 

He works in a "schmoozing" job. Some nights he goes out drinking with cronies. These expenses are his, not his company's. It's usually one night a week. He goes home to his family those nights, which suits me fine.

 

About 6 years ago it came to his parents' attention that he had racked up some serious credit card debts and he was in deep trouble. Long story short, his parents had to take out a loan to help him and he paid them back. He did well with this.

 

There were a couple instances over the years where I heard that his dad was mad at him because he used his dad's credit card to pay for some of

his schmoozing. It's kind of a weird situation because his dad had given him a credit card with my partner's name on it, but the account was his dad's... so he didn't steal it, but rather used it when he wasn't supposed to.

 

He always paid it back and I didn't realize it was a big deal.

 

Early this morning I was still asleep when I heard my door open. This is a scary situation for a woman living alone! Anyway, it was my partner. His father had kicked him out of the house.

 

I tried to get details but he said he needed to sleep because he had to be at work in a few hours. He did tell me that his father had kicked him out because he had used his credit card again.

 

Okay... that doesn't sound good, but at the same time it is nothing new.

 

But a little while later his sister (who also lives at home) called me to see what was going on etc.

 

I ended up talking to her and their mother most of today.

 

Turns out that he has used his mother's credit card before. Last year he racked up $1400 on it. He is not supposed to use her card. He has access to a credit card machine at work.

 

She spoke to him at that time and said she wouldn't put up with it anymore.

 

There were a few other instances of him using his dad's credit card over the past few months. It makes no sense... he makes a good living.

 

His dad thinks he's taking drugs. His mom, sister and I have never even thought this before. Honestly, I think it's highly unlikely... a knee-jerk reaction to the spending. I think he's trying to be a big shot and picking up bar tabs for his cronies and some local politicians. Something he can't afford to do (he does make a decent living, but he likes to look like he has more means than he has).

 

His dad also thinks he might have a gambling problem. He doesn't go to casinos to my knowledge, but he does play lotto games in the bar he goes to.

 

Anyway, this morning when my partner got up to go to work, he downplayed getting kicked out. He made it sound like this was just another of his dad's temper tantrums and I didn't think too much of it. Their intertwined finances are a mystery to me! But after speaking to his mom and sister today, his dad is serious... he is no longer allowed in the house. Ouch. They are a close family -- this is a BIG DEAL.

 

I am freaked out. I love him so much. Big-hearted, sweet, kind, funny... he's my favorite person in thw whole world. But how could he steal from his parents??? This is heartbreaking.

 

And I've wanted to live with him for years but not like this, and not if he's a thief.

 

And if there are drugs involved... wow. I am in way over my head. But honestly, I've never suspected drugs, and I have been around some druggies in my time (never got into them myself).

 

I think he has a spending addiction. I found something called Debtor's Anonymous. They have meetings near me. I am curious if anyone has any experience with DA.

 

And I badly need support. So please take it easy on me. I'm just a loving girlfriend who is scared about her sweetheart and wants to do the right things to help him while not being a crutch in a bad way.

 

Actually I'm scared to death.

[Spark1111]

You have every right to be freaked out!

 

He has exhibited poor impulse control, a sense of entitlement, total dishonesty, an inability to keep promises, and his parents do not trust him and possibly suspect him of either drug abuse or gambling addiction.

 

RUN from this man for no other reason than he is not trustworty, disrespectful of his parents and seems to have an expectation that they will continue to bail him out of every problem.

 

They have had enough.

 

Why would you want to sign up to take over this role?

 

You are already making excuses for his unacceptable behavior or feeling slightly sorry for him.

 

This is not someone mature enough to be a life partner. These are also many of the same characteristics sex addicts and chronic cheaters have.

 

Run!