ex girlfriend who doesn't want a relationship but still contacts me

[richbad08]

I dated a girl for 2 years ( she was 16 and I was 18). Right when she started college she broke up with me because she felt that we were drifting apart and supposedly I was clingy and over protective ( Neither of us cheated and im 100% sure of that). I know it wasn't because of a guy and im 100% sure of it because we've been broken up for about 5 months and she is still single. She says she doesn't want a relationship because she has a lot on her plate like her moving out on her own and eventually transferring to another college.

So the first 2 months we broke up we hardly stayed in contact about once a week we would talk over the phone and it would be small talk. At first she would say things about hanging out with friends and she even admitted to already having sex with other people which made pissed me off but I technically couldn't be mad because i have to. She's said how she's had guys asking her out to be their girlfriend but she said no because she doesn't want a guy to be mad at her if she went out or having someone asking her questions like where she went or who she was with.

Ever since we've been broken up we have only cuddled twice kissed twice and never had sex. I choose to never have sex with her because i don't want her to be with me for the wrong reasons. Just a few days ago I went to her house late at night because she wanted me come over. we talked about a few things going on in our life and suddenly she said that she deleted me from Facebook and my number from her phone but she knows it by heart so that didn't really matter. then she said we cant be friends because she's having a hard time moving on. then she was becoming playful and we ended up having sex. Afterwards I didn't know what she was going to think so I told her to not think anything bad about me or anything like that and she said it wasn't a big deal. She said sex isn't a big deal and that i shouldn't worry about it.

So I feel like im doing the right thing by not contacting her and having her call me which works but at the same time it seems like it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I want a relationship but she doesn't and yet she still calls me. It isn't like come over to my house or anything but its mostly small talk and I wang to stay close to her because maybe she would realize that I was a good boyfriend to her and she might come back.

So if anyone knows some really good advice please help I really am confused and I don't know what to do. Please help.

[Kansas]

Ahhhhhh! She should get together with my ex-boyfriend who didn't want a relationship but still wanted to contact me!

 

I know you're terrified of losing her, but you have to initiate NC. Unless of course you're happy in the friend zone and want to remain there until she meets someone and rips your heart out through your throat. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Don't take her calls. Don't respond to her. Don't be her friend. It sounds harsh, but it's for your own good.

[richbad08]

Thanks for the advice. Im going to try. Like I said Im only staying in contact because she might come around but at least i definitely waited till she called me. If she says something like are you mad at me or why aren't you talking to me what should i say??

[Kansas]

Don't talk to her at all. You don't need to explain yourself. Don't talk to her. Take your power back. I know that's easier said than done, but you're not going to make things any better by trying to stay in touch hoping she will come around. You're just going to torture yourself. I know this because I felt the same way when my ex was wishy-washy with me. Even though all my friends told me to go NC I didn't listen because I was too afraid. He dragged out the saga for 2.5 years and I just made things worse by trying to hang onto nothing.

 

Read the no contact rules and about the G.I.G.S syndrome - can anyone here on LS help with these links?

[richbad08]

Then if im not in contact with her how would I know she wants me for a relationship? I'll trust the NC rules but just wondering. Also I appreciate the advice.

[Kansas]

richbad08, if your girlfriend decides to come back to you, nothing will stop her. If you stick around hoping and sitting on the sidelines, she will lose respect for you and start treating you like a doormat. You're going to fall into the gray zone and get hurt again and again.

 

I had the same concerns you did with my ex and actually ruined the relationship further by staying in the 'friend' zone with him. In the end, I stuck around foolishly hoping he would come around and all he did was thank me, dump me and moved on to be with someone else. He didn't even consider a relationship with me, though you'd never know it from the way he talked while we were in the friend zone. He had me hook, line and sinker. He did and said anything and everything to keep me in his life, telling me how important I was and how he didn't know how he would get on without me. In the end he was just fine. I was the one who was crushed and hurting. I was nothing more than a back up plan. That's not where you want to be so don't settle for anything but the full thing. In the meantime, find a thread about G.I.G.S (grass is greener syndrome). It will give you some excellent perspective.

 

Here is the link to NC rules: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[richbad08]

Well, Kansas I really do appreciate the advice you have given me. Im sure you know what this feels like. I really am going to avoid her and I don't know when i will know when she's serious if she keeps coming back but like you said if she wanted to be back nothing will stop her.